Current mood:	exanimate
Current music:	"Dawn of the Dead," George Romero

This Job Would Be Great If It Weren't For The Zombies: A Series Of Open Letters

Dear Cell Phone Guy,
Normally, I would be very happy to stand at the counter all day while you yakked about your latest business deal to your buddies. We are usually very slow, and any excuse to not mop the floor is OK with me. However, today there are people behind you, and it is considered rude to hold them up. Do not shush me when I ask you for the fifth time what kind of bread you want, because it only takes a second to spit out "White" or "Wheat." Also, do not yell at me when I ask the next person in line what kind of sandwich they want, because they have had time to consider their order while you were talking, and you are clearly still not ready.
Sincerely,
The girl who does not have a cell phone and doesn't ever want one if it will turn her into an asshole like you

Dear Condescending Lady,
Calling me "sweetie pie," "doll," or "cookie" does not endear me to you at all, and will not make me work faster on your sandwich. You are not allowed to call any of these that unless you are my mom or my girlfriend, and I've already got some of both. Actually, they probably wouldn't call me that either, because they are not idiots like you. However, calling me these things will make me put way too much mayonnaise on your sandwich in hopes that it will make you fat and that you will spill some on your expensive purse. Also, I think it's spoiled. Enjoy!
Sincerely,
The girl who did not smile in sisterhood

Dear Medusa Lady,
I am not deliberately hiding the smoked turkey from you, we just don't have any. I am not being racist, and if I wanted to, I would do it in a more aggressive way than hiding the smoked turkey. Nor am I discriminating against you because you are a working woman--note the ponytails and boobs on me, and note that I am, in fact, working. I already gave you a ton of free sandwich vouchers, what more do you want? It is not inconceivable for a sandwich shop to run out of supplies. We are not magic meat-makers. And saying, "You holdin' out on me, homey?" makes me hate you for acting like a stereotype.
Sincerely,
The girl who actually ate all the smoked turkey herself

Dear Middle-Class Socialist Brat,
When you ask me what you should get, of course I am going to recommend the most expensive sandwich we have. This is because I want the store to make money so that they can pay me. Quiznos is not staffed by altruistic people who just want to give out sandwiches. We are here to serve the customer, true, but that generally extends to putting on extra lettuce if you ask for it. We are not responsible for your financial welfare or for your health. In addition, it was merely a suggestion. I am not forcing you at gunpoint to order the Double Angus Steak And Cheese Colon Buster Special, so your accusations of me trying to steal your money and clog your arteries are unfounded. Order a small Veggie if you want (relatively) cheap nutrition. Also, I really doubt your dedication to the anti-corporate cause when you are wearing an Abercrombie outfit that costs more than I make in a week, Comrade.
Sincerely,
The girl who is rapidly becoming a Republican because she hates brats like you

Dear Floppy Emo Kid,
No, I do not know what song this is, or who it is by. I did not choose this music. The Quiznos corporate headquarters did, and it is on a four-hour mix CD that they sent us last week. It has replaced the old mix CD, which I had grown to like because it had the Dandy Warhols, Elvis Costello, and that silly "1985" song. Yes, it could be Coldplay, but I do not care because I hate Coldplay. If you are going to discuss music with me, at least talk about the Beatles, punk rock, or Oingo Boingo. Go eat your sandwich and cry.
Sincerely,
The girl who did not realize that you were trying to hit on her, sorry

Dear Broke Children,
If you are going to order a huge sandwich, make sure you have the money to pay for it first. Quiznos will not give you a sandwich for free just because we already made it; we will either throw it in the trash or withhold it. I have no problem eating your large Classic Italian myself. And no, I will not give you credit, or put it on your tab, because we do not have tabs here. I may never see you again, and then they will take that sandwich out of my paycheck. And I cannot "give you a break" or lend you money. Nor will I take your little sister in trade, unless she can wash dishes.
Sincerely,
The mean lady who would not feed you

Dear Russian Guy,
Telling me that you want a chicken sandwich "for your son" does not tell me what kind you want, how large of a sandwich you want, or what kind of bread you want. I do not know your son and Quiznos does not have a specific sandwich for the sons of Russian guys. However, I like your accent and the fact that you said "mosquito chicken," and your "I only drink vodka, not Coke" joke made me laugh. You are forgiven.
Sincerely,
The girl who likes accents

Dear Lady With the Down's Kid,
I am keenly aware of the fact that the mentally and physically handicapped should be given as many rights and privileges as they can handle. I am also very impressed that you manage to raise a child with severe Down's Syndrome; you must have the patience of a saint. I know that it is not his fault that he can barely pronounce words and sounds kind of like a cow, and I am impressed that you can understand him. However, I cannot understand him, even after he has said his order five times, and I would appreciate it if you would translate before I made what I thought was his sandwich, instead of getting mad at me after you watched me make the large Deli Tuna on wheat that I thought he wanted, when he apparently asked for peanut butter and jelly. Which, by the way, we do not have.
Sincerely,
The girl who thought she might have recognized your son from "What Is It?" but didn't say anything because it would have been rude

Dear Guy Who Works At the Sports Store Next Door:
I have never seen you before in my life, so do not expect me to recognize you. The guy who usually works this shift may have gone to kindergarten with you and called you every day since you were both kids, but he did not put up a picture of you on the wall or anything. I also do not know what you usually get, and I do not wish to chat with you about people I do not know. Are you sure that you can tell other people apart at all, or is everybody your long-lost friend?
Sincerely,
The girl who really, seriously doesn't know you at all

Dear Melissa the Manager:
A nervous employee is not a productive employee. A nervous employee shakes and spills lettuce all over the place, gets orders wrong, wraps badly, hyperventilates and gets dizzy, and can't talk because she has a dry mouth. If you want to talk to me, at least tell me that I'm not about to be fired.
Sincerely,
The dish-washer

Dear Dress Code Nazi:
I know that my black-and-white checked shorts are not specifically Quiznos dress code. However, I do not believe that the manager has any reason to put me on Double Secret Probation because of it. For one thing, nobody can see my shorts behind the counter anyway. For another, they are nice shorts, and clean, unlike those of the manager Chris who wears enormous baggy black jeans with FUBU written all over them in graffiti letters, or those of the manager Melissa who wears beige cordouroys which she takes pride in not having washed for two weeks. This does not impress me with her committment to Quiznos, it just makes me not want to stand near her.
Sincerely,
The bad dresser

Dear New Girl Who I Really Don't Remember From High School,
Yes, it is nice that you have a boyfriend. Yes, it is too bad that he is in Iraq. No, I do not wish to hear about how you can't wait for him to get back home because you "want the dick SOOO bad." No, I do not want to hear about the HILARIOUS prank that he pulled with his buddies with a camel. No, I do not want to hear about your other friend who you go swimming with who "wants to be the boyfriend SOOO bad, but he ain't gettin' this, you know what I'm saying?" Because I do not know what you are saying. And if you want the dick SOOO bad, why do you just not hook up with the friend who wants to be your boyfriend? Your real boyfriend is a moron, you are shallow, and it would make the poor friend-person happy.
Sincerely,
The girl who keeps quiet about her own sordid love life

Dear Chris the Other Manager,
The Pistons lost weeks ago, please get over it. They are only a basketball team. You should know by now that it is fruitless to talk to me about the Pistons, because I do not like sports and think that the Pistons are car parts. I also do not care about the '86 Corvette that you are going to buy with your paltry earnings as soon as you earn enough to quit this job. You will never earn enough to quit working at Quiznos. If you persist in talking about your interests with me, I am going to share with you my yet-unspoken fear that the store will not be adequately defended in case of zombie attack.
Sincerely,
The girl who is politely blank while you are jabbering to her

Dear Quiznos Corporate Headquarters,
The store layout offers inadequate defense in case of a zombie attack. Please send some heavy wood with which to bar the huge plate-glass windows, a new lock for the back, a hand-attachable chainsaw, and some zombie plauge inoculation serum. Thank you.
Sincerely,
A George Romero fan

Dear Zombie Customers,
No, we do not have a Honey Mesquite and Intestine sandwich. Nor do we have a Double Cheese and Brains Melt. It is not my fault that the company failed to foresee the advent of the zombie plague and capitalize and cater to the new zombie population. Please take these coupons as an apology, however, and can I interest you in the entrails of my co-workers?
Sincerely,
The last living fast-food employee on the planet


x-posted to co_workers_suck