Cry out Loud [entries|friends|calendar] The place to chat about your problems [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[17 Jun 2008|07:17pm] mo17 hi, there's this girl in work Joanne who isn't exactly being a nice person to me. infact she's being a bit of a bitch. for example she'll say hi to everyone else but will completely blank me. if i ask her a question she'll give a one word answer and not even look at me. the other day in work i was coming in to the fitting room to get some items to put out when she decided to hide herself behind another rail. it was possibly the oddest thing i had seen in a while. what makes this behaviour even weirdier is that it only developed in the last few weeks! really i only have to put up with her for one day a week, and sometimes i'd only see her maybe once or twice during working hours. what i don't understand is why she is acting like this! i'm nice to everyone, i treat everyone as i'd like to be treated myself, i chat to everyone and i'm polite to customers and staff alike! she's been working for the shop for 2 years...i only joined about 10 months ago. could she be threatened? so far i've just ignored it and stayed nice to her, i'm assuming that if she doesn't get a response she's just going to stop being a dope and move on. what is her problem? any ideas on how to deal with this? Cat x [1] Cried to me Cry

ranting [21 Jun 2008|11:03am] girlwithacause2 [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | akon ]  well today i've got an appointment with my therapist. she's kinda annoying but whos the sane one? my mom is threatening to stop paying for my appointments because she hasnt seen an "improvement". its like she just wants me to change in the blink of an eye. she's one to talk. she's on zoloft, some tranquilizer and something else and she still acts like a bitch. well more after my appointment. wish me luck Cry

I don't get it......................................... [20 Jun 2008|06:50am] lonerchick_21 [ mood | will I ever win in life? ] [ music | how to deal ~frankie j~ ] y am I 24 and never had a boyfriend. beyond pathetic. I hate the fact I'm in a wheelchair, makes it harder, kuz guyz don't stick round to get to know me. I am just to nice all guyz see me as friend girl, I hate that. If I didn't care to damn much, I wouldn't feel like crap all the time and it won't hurt as much wen I lose em or sumthin.  I hav this guy friend, we wer friends with benefits, which ended in november, but we agreed to remain friends. I'm not so sure anymore, I rarly heaar from him anymore, he says I'm bein to negative,, but him goin days/wks/month without talkin to him makes the negativity grow. I dunno wut to do, I hav vvery big feeling 4 him,, but I can't stand bein this miserable. [2] Cried to me Cry

[16 Jun 2008|12:23am] tearsforwater7 I just found out my aunt has breast cancer. I feel empty and I don't know what to do... [1] Cried to me Cry

Give me another chance.... [13 Jun 2008|03:34pm] mything_diary02 I was watching tv when my sister yell and told me that Sphinx(turtle) was dead.  He's been my pet for almost 4 years. When i heard that, I thought that she was just making fun of me but honestly i was scared and nervous. Then my other sibling approach me and told me that  Sphinx was really dead. She never lie to me so i was shocked and uncomfortable of what i heard.  Pretending to be okay, i continued watching tv, but i really wanted to see if he's really dead but i was just so scared to know the truth. Then, our neighbor told me that my turtle was dead. At that moment i can no longer control my emotion. I directly went to my room and cried. I don't know ,but i was so guilty and uncomfortable knowing he was dead. I couldn't believe it myself(self-denial). I cried so hard and asked God why. I was never good to  Sphinx. I seldom give him food, maybe 3x a week because i was so lazy then.  My neighbor always tell me to take good care of him or else he will die. They always feel pity on him because of the way i treated sphinx. I seldom clean his home and i didn't give much attention on him. Last week, i realize that i was so bad and unworthy to be his owner. I realized my mistakes and promise that from now on i will give him much attention and care, feed him 3x a day and clean his home more often. So when i heard that he was dead i can't help but blame myself. I was so guilty and felt sorry. I really didn't know if he was really dead . I still haven't confirmed it yet. I prayed to God to make this unreal. I cried so hard in my room and pray to God to give me more chance. Let me be a worthy steward and owner to sphinx. And give me a chance to make it up to him. I confessed my sins and i realized that i care about him so much. I kept on crying that whole time until i fell asleep. When i woke up, I went outside to see Sphinx. I was expecting  to see his dead body, and when i came closer to him, he was not moving but i was not yet sure if he was really dead, so i kicked him and i was shocked when he moved and he was alive. He is alive!!!..i was so happy at that time and i thank God for giving me another chance. GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME!!!^_^ Cry

Sorry...give me more time [12 Jun 2008|05:13pm] mything_diary02 [ mood | sad ] After school i decided to go home early. While riding a Jeepney(transport car) i saw a woman(one of the passenger) sitting beside me carrying 2 of her children , the other 2 is beside her and in the front seat. When i look at them i really felt so pity . The boy beside her was so untidy and he was sweating all over his face because of the hot weather. Looking at the woman, i can see that they are poor. Her children were so thin, i could consider them malnourished.  I really wanted to cry when i saw the boy beside her, so innocent and young and i can see in his eyes how good he is. He was carrying a bottle of milk for his two younger sibling. He gave a towel to his sibling,who was in the front seat and told him to wipe his head and face. At that moment, i really adore him because at a young age he learned to be more responsible and concern to his siblings. I thought to myself to give them my burger that i have not eaten during break but i was too shy and scared. I was shy because there were so many passengers in the jeepney and i am sure there attention will be towards us and scared that the mother will refuse my kindness.I am ashame when people refuse my offer. But i really wanted to give it to them but i just don't have the courage and self-confidence to do so. I really felt sorry for not giving it to them. If only there's anything i can do to help them. So,when i reached my destination,i got out in the jeepney with a heavy heart. Until now, i still regret not giving them the food. It's my only chance to give something to them but i didn't do. All i have done was staring them the whole time i was there. I really want to help people who are suffering from poverty. I am not rich but i got all the things i needed in life. And i know that i am lucky enough. And so,I feel guilty every time i see poor people because there's nothing i can do to help them. I don't have the courage and the spirit. My fear rule over me. "I am scared to interact with different people and i hate myself for that". I really really felt sorry for not doing the things that i should have done. I still need time to gain my self-confidence, to be myself Cry

Ready to Break [27 May 2008|08:42am] genechan [ mood | lonely ] [ music | Bathroom-The GazettE ] I don't want live...This has been my thoughts for the past three years. I know...I'm weak. I have reason to believe my moms "friend"(fuck buddy) raped me I think it did happen everything points to it. My mom keeps asking about it she even planned to kill him but she doesn't care I know that. But I'm scared that it didn't happen and I just want attention. I'm sorry but I wish someone would love me... I just wish I could be loved.  I'm ready to cut but I need to stop. I just want to be 18 so I can get away from this hell already.... three more years. [4] Cried to me Cry

It's driving me crazy... [05 Jun 2008|07:09pm] itsvictoriavile Okay well i recently broke up with my now ex boyfriend cause he was acting sketchy and we fought all the damn time mostly due to jealousy and paranoia, he always accused me of cheating then he just started ignoring me and ditched me for his friends all the time.I felt neglected and worthless.. I do love him and the break up was basically so i could get my head straight and get shit done that i stalled on for so long cause i was always concerned about my relationship  problems instead of other important things. But my intensions were to eventually get back together with him once both of us got are shit straight. He didn't know this because i sadly did it over the phone and he hung up on me and took the phone off the hook. Sooo all he thought is that i left him for someone else and all these ridiculous things :[  I for once in my life was actually really strong and got my mind off of all the bad and thought positively and did good things for myself. My confidence boosted so high, i went on dates and had fun with other guys finding out that ALOT of guys were wanting some victoria(lol)...but he always popped into my head...infact all anyone would say to me is the crazy bullshit Erik was doing...like that he fucked this girl he said was gross and hated (she is gross blehk!) the day after i fucking broke it off with him.This lead me to believe that he was a disgusting lieing douche bag who didn't give a shit about me at all. I also heard he was moving to Baltimore with some girl and he was telling everyone he was engaged to some asian chick(okay i don't know what that was all about cause that's complete horse shit) And he's drinking ALOT every fucking day..doing drugs like cocaine and is always doing duster which is the dumbest house hold drug i can think of. I started to just think he was a loser and was glad he was out of my life..i'd talk alot of shit about him,make fun of him,say i hated him and the  whole 9 yards...i actually fooled myself and everyone around!! CONGRATS! heh... Well that didn't last too long, about a month after breaking up with him i started having dreams about him where we were kissing and everything was amazing again (i wrote about it in one of my journals if ur curious) they kept coming. I started feeling really sad cause i was so in love with this boy, at one point he was everything i wanted,we were close to fucking perfect together but we ruined it by getting scared.We were both so scared of each other cause we never felt that way about anyone else.We knew it was real love which is scary for two confused teenagers with bipolar disorder and depression,ahaha So we started pushing each other away cause we didn't want to show how vonrable we were.We didnt want to appear weak.I was always the one to insist on breaking up after every fight (a few months in) but he was always so against it..i think i would suggest it just cause i wanted to see him show how upset he would be if we were done.To insure me that he still wanted me which was kinda mean and selfish but it's what i had to do to feel secure. BUT ANYWAYS....back to the dreaming i felt like they were some kind of sign, like i had he strongest feeling that i was going to run into him in the very near future. Part of me thought..but wait, how can i ever get a hold of him, he lives in baltimore or something,doesn't have a cellphone, and i don't know/like his friends plus apparently he hates me and doesn't give a shit about me. So i started ignoring the intense feeling as much as i could, i started hanging out with a small group of friends every night.One night though i got pretty drunk and got high off tripple c's and started freaking out about my feeling to my friend billy.I told him about the dreams and how i don't want to care about my ex and how i just want him out of my head.He told me things would get better and how he will be in my head for alongg time even years,hearing that hurt me for some reason, i think cause i still had a feeling i'd be back with him sometime soon.Though i'd never say it. A night later i got a weird phone call with some kids making dumb voices on a blocked number,i was like wtf? Who would do that? First thing that popped in my head was ERIK every bone in my body told me it was him but i argued with myself.No he would never talk to me again,he's busy with his new little girl friend and awesome band and he has everything he wants.I was a little pissed that he handled the break up so well.The phone rang again, i thought it'd be them again but it was Billy.I talked to him for a while, he was cheering me up alot.I started forgetting about erik for the most part but OH OH! i hear a beep..i answer it and it's the weird voice again.I kept saying HELLO!? HELLO?! WHO THE FUCK IS THIS? and then he started talking in normal voice. I then knew it was him. My stomach dropped i kept wondering why is he calling me? Is he going to try and make fun of me or make me feel like shit with all his stupid friends? He said guess who this is..i acted dumb and was like uhm..idk? (i wanted him to think i forgot about him or something) then he said my name starts with a E! Soo i just said uhmm Erik..why are you calling me making stupid voices? He said cause he's stupid and said he was doing duster.I kept asking what he wanted and why he randomly called me. He said cause he missed me so much and can't stand living without me in his life.He said he wanted his best friend back. He was  telling me how he gets so fucked up every single day and night and i honestly was shocked. I couldn't beleive he finally came crawling back..he even admitted to pretending he didn't care and faking that he was over me. This was refreshing,creepy hence the dreams then a few days later he contacts me 0_o Am i psychic? lol cause all my hunches and strong feelings are ALWAYS proven right. Soo this call had completely brain fucked me. I now lost all control of being "strong" the next day he messaged me on Aim and we were talking for a while i kept insisting that we should hang out some time soon..he said he didn't know how he felt about that, that seeing me and me not being his would be way to hard. We kept talking an i assured him that i'd be nice and not talk about any guys or anything like that. He finally said why not, and asked his friend andrew to come pick me up and we could just chill, Then i got freaked out.I got so nervous i didn't know how he would act or what we'd do.Part of me was paranoid and thought that his friends would dog on me and they would all leave me in the middle of nowhere laughing and calling me a dumb bitch or something.(I HAVE A WILD IMAGINATION.) He kept begging me and begging me soo i finally just said yeah..give me an hour. I had to rush and get ready since i was looking like shit.I tryed to find something cute to wear but was unsuccesful =/ lol but i did my hair and make-up pretty fast and looked fairly decent.I was feeling so sick to my stomach that i had to pop some c's i only took 4 though. Soo i go down stairs and see the lights of the car.Took a deep breath,Hesitated and finally stepped outside he was by my door with his bright ass redish/pink hair, lmfao i wasn't attracted to him at all and i thought YES! I can do this, were going to be friends :] He looked nervous and didn't say a word.He sat in the front seat.I guess he wasn't sure if he wanted to be close to me so soon. I was being my outgoing self talking to his friends Joe and Andrew as if i knew them.Their original plan was to go get some booze and get drunk somewhere (shocker) lol i had a box of c's and erik looked back and asked if he could have some..since our beer mission failed. I gave him some.the whole car ride he started looking back at me and i'd catch him and he'd shyly look away (gave me major deja vu since in my dream we were on a school bus and he was in a seat infront of me and i kept catching him staring at me..) Tell me that's not crazy!? He would blow kisses to me and mouth out "i love you" this made me feel weird and awkward,i didn't think he really still was liking me in that way 0_- Andrew was on the phone and we were apparently meeting up with some people.Oh lord i got so nervous cause i know everyone that chilled with erik talked endless amounts of shit about me and i felt like i was gonna get ganged up on or have them make snickery remarks. But oh well...i sucked it up.Plus my high was kicking in.Erik still in the front seat out of nowhere kept asking "if i jump back there and start kissing you are you going to kill me" or something along the lines of that. I recall me saying i'd kick him in the face in a cute joking way.He made a sad face and looked away..i guess that's when out flirting started up and he started feeling more comfortable around me. So he asked his friend Joe if they could switch seats,Joe was sitting next to me obviously.First thing erik did when he got next to me was try to kiss me..i turned my face he kissed me cheek..he said"damn missed!" he would give up...i knew if i let him kiss me and i kissed him back that feeling would come back but i guess i just went in and we were making out...this was nuts! We finally got with all the other kids we were hanging out with..my friend james open'd the car door and saw me..He was confused and asked if we were back together..i quickly said NOOO! lol But anyways everybody was doing duster and all night we just kept hardcore making out. alot of weird shit happend that night like my friend busting his face open and shit but that's not important here,aha i had fun with him in the hospital parking lot alll night..like literally. I'm going to fast forward to the next day, i cant quite recall how but we ended up hanging out again,Andrew picked me up before erik,and i felt totally comfortable with these guys i barely knew which was awesome. But then..uh oh..they went to meet this guy jesse at eriks house and he was going to ride with us. I started feeling indifferent cause yes, i had a crush on jesse for a while and i couldn't show it at all or erik would die. Erik came out of his house after taking all damn night and opend the car door and jumped on me giving me the most passionate kiss i think i've ever received.Soo yeah we went and got a shit load of tripple c's and shit and then went to gay jame's house and tripped our ass's off...and i'm going to zoom through this cause i'm sick of explaining everything so detailed and shit. Me and erik made-out alll night and we were telling eachother how much we loved eachother and he said he wanted to marry me and i told him we were going to end up together sadly no matter what. A whole lot of nonsence was said. We left the next day cause he was going to a party at that whores house that he slept with right after i dumped him so i was like.ew and i had a  date with this guy john anyways sooo they dropped me off at home and then amazingly enough he didn't talk to me for days on end. Called me once randomly saying he's depressed and wants to kill john and every guy i talk to..idk he rushed off the phone like always.I tryed iming him a few days after that to talk but he said he can't stand the fact that i've been with other guys and kept bringing up john and told me to go talk to john indstead and blocked me! Ive been blocked ever since.awesome! This is where i start getting pissed at him and how he loves to ignore me..it's rude hanging up on me all the time and shuning me out of his life cause he says he loves me but then doesn't want to talk to me.This make sense? Cause i know when i love someone i want to talk to them as much as possible but not him him :'[ He called me today...it was unexpected i just got done writing something about him and bam phone rings.I wanted to make thigns okay with us but he just kept talking about how he's so depressed and how he was drunk and doing duster like always and just explaining how miserable and pittyful he is saying he wants to kill himself and he hopes he's going to die soon..and then went to straightt saying he thinks he can finally go through with it and commit suicide..guilt tripping me about how i said i loved him and then went on a date that was planned before we even started talking again. he hung up on me a couple times..i kept calling back cause i don't give up easily. He told me he hates me and wants me to die. He said i hurt and just kept saying he wants me dead. WHAT THE FUCK! this bothers me that someone can be so un understanding, Am i wasting my time trying to help him get off substances,make him happier, and get his life back to decent? He says he wants to die and life is pointless because he doesn't have me.i don't know how to feel about this cause if that were the case i know i wouldn't be ignoring that person when their trying to hang out with you and help you. Every ounce of me thinks he's going to talk to me again. He always says he hates me but i know he loves me.maybe i'm wrong i don't know what to do. & yes i write a fucking lot!!! [3] Cried to me Cry

leave me a coice comment plz [05 Jun 2008|01:33pm] lonerchick_21 [ mood | impressed ] [ music | 1,2 step ~ciara~ ] all u do, is chick on record by phone, it gives u the phone number and temperary code. Cry

wutz wrong with me????????????? [23 May 2008|12:41am] lonerchick_21 [ mood | aggitated ] [ music | god must hate me ~simple plan~ ] in January, I was suposed to go on a cruise, got my hopes up, canselled. I hav a famm reunion, havn''t gone in awhile, got my hopes up, didn't get to go. here I am in Mexico, and keepin myseelf from goin places and stuff. I'm upset I can't sleep and upset I'm keepin my bro up. Cry

I hate myself... [12 May 2008|11:09pm] daedal_eve I really do. I wish there was more I could say right now but I seem to have a knack for driving people away, so that's it for now. Cry

[12 May 2008|01:22pm] thelastkiss_x I hate you. I hate you with every inch of my body. & the worst thing is, I have to see you everyday. In the mirror. [2] Cried to me Cry

cancelling my membership [08 May 2008|07:11pm] lostaries drunk and alone. my wife is off to spain to enjoy the rain this week. my child is nested with his abuelos. if they were taken from me, and this were not by choice, obviously this would not be the ongoing life i would have. but would my emotions change? were i to be sad, could i show it? would i know it? you would. wouldn't you. certainly i would tell you of a heartache of a sadness of an uncontrollable madness that had overcome my being. but would it be true? subscribe to love, or anger or joy or tears and a payment is due. enlist yourself to pay the price for any emotion and all will be included on your trip and you'll be so far away and i'll stay within my mind having canceled my membership. emotion be gone but not my life sadness no more, but the price is love. sold my soul for something more. and i'm still waiting to see what it is. perhaps in the bottom of another bottle Cry

can someone read my first entry. [07 May 2008|05:12pm] sadgeeksociety its my sorrow i guess. Cry

if I had one wish...................... [07 May 2008|02:58am] lonerchick_21 [ mood | wanna die ] [ music | drift and die ~puddle of mudd~ ] it would be that I never existed. my whole life has been fucked up!! startin with my kinderggarden and first grade, worst yrs of my life! I had hearing aides, so Mom sent me to a school with a good hearin program, trouble was the hearin teacher was a bitch to me, kuz I was walkin slow and forgot things. I did hav friends ther tho, came home almost eveeryday in tears. I went to a day care program and most kids went to this one school, so II beggedd to go ther, I tried a day in first grade, luved it so much, 2nd grade started ther. I had so many fuckin bullies ther, but alot more friends tho. middle school I was pretty much a loner my best friend moved in 7th grade. I had so many medical test to figure out wut I got, they found nuthin, still dunno. most my friends had ther first bf/gf in 5 grade to middle school.now i am battlin the biggest heartbreak I hav ever had! [2] Cried to me Cry

i dunno if I even wana hear from him, but then agen I do [05 May 2008|02:21am] lonerchick_21 [ mood | wut to do? ] [ music | narcolepsy ~3rd eye blind~ ] it has been over a month, not sure bout anythin anymore. part of me doesn't want to hear y or if we ever will talk agen, other part is dyin to find out. its a complicated emotion. thats y i am gettin more headaches, I think to much and worry to much. its down right annoyin!! he did give me happpy memories, so now if I go, atleast I had that. my first kiss was with a goood friend (to bad he was to drunk to remember it) first times wer with guys I met on the net. ain't life grand??????????????????? [3] Cried to me Cry

[30 Apr 2008|04:52pm] ana_mia_mee  he is always going to choose her over me. shes always better than me. story= we were having a great time sitting watching vids on youtube but then he gets a text from claire and its off to the rescue of course. dammit. [1] Cried to me Cry

Soo newww [30 Apr 2008|01:21am] lghtsleeper [ mood | calm ]   I went 5 months talking to him. We met on myspace. He's in Jersey, I'm in Cali. SO in love with eachother. No I'm not mistaken, especially with promises like," I'll always be here. I will see you. I love you. I'll always love you. I'll always care." We were never going to end. My first real love, my first real heart break, he knew my past. I told him in the beginning he'd find someone better. I wasn't worth it, with his silly reply, "I'll make you worth it." My suicide attempts, crying all night, he was there, on the phone for me. I couldn't of asked for anyone better in my life. Months past, I pushed and pushed him away. I still loved him though, he knew it. I still love him, he still knows it. i could go on forever with him. He's more than my everything. I sent him my razor blades, promising him I would not cut anymore. He was amazed. The first time we talk on the phone, so shy, yet he still found me perfect, amazing, and cute. I am no longer broken. Time went on, he started to slip, I freaked out, he cautioned me everything was fine. I'm okay, for now. More time, the more he fell away. I asked him if he was ok. Serious depression. I'm here for you babe." I know." You never text me or call me anymore? My parents took my phone away. "House phone?" I keep thinking to myself. "Myspace?" "I hardly get on anymore." He sais. His senor trip, no word the whole weekend, or for that matter, the whole next week. Several strongly worded letters on myspace saying I love him so very much, he reads but doesn't reply. His status has something peculiar written on it. "Should I get to know her, or let her go?" Mood:Confused. I ask what it's about, I'm scared to death. He sais "I met an awesome girl.." Right there, time freezes before I finish reading. An awesome girl, besides me? I continue... "I met an awesome girl on my trip. My friends say she's a back stabber but I really want to get to know her." I reply with a modest, "Whatever makes you happy baby." I don't hear from him. More strongly worded letters. My heart is breaking. He stopped reading the letters. No reply, no more phone calls, no texts. Nothing. I'm going insane, crying myself to sleep, new razor blades, cutting. My mind is wondering. Suicide is my thought, no one would stop me. Over the next few weeks, I cool down, I'm learning to live without him. Do I still need him? Of course but.... I can deal. Today I read his profile. He has a new about me. Maybe I'm in it. I start to read scanning over some of the old stuff I already knew. He states "I'm taken. She is the cutest girl ever." I can't breathe. I tell my best friend. For some reason, after being forgotton, used, lied, and backstabbed to....I feel a weight lifted off my chest. For the longest time, I've felt I needed Chris. Tonight, I deny that fact. I am on my own. I'll always love him, I'll always need him, just not as much as he'll realize while reading this. I love you, I said I would no matter what. That's a promise I will keep. [1] Cried to me Cry

I am seriously upset!!!!!!! [30 Apr 2008|01:05am] lonerchick_21 [ mood | down in the dumps ] [ music | harder to breathe ~maroon 5~ ] I think, I might or hav lost him. I realize he has had alot to deal with, normally wen I sa talk to u soon and they say ok, don't go over a month without speakin. I'm upset, worried and sad all at once. I would try mmy hardest to contact u, no matter wut or wher I am. sick in bed, hospital, if ther is any use of communication. no cell battery or reception (thrr r these things called homephones & payphones). just a simple hi or leavee me alone,vwill do. he knows that, if 4 any reason, to write me off, he better tell me, kuz I'll keep tryin, until u do. [3] Cried to me Cry

Respecting master [24 Apr 2008|07:42am] instinctualism Respecting Master   This in part I am sure Young Master is why you also are interested in BDSM , not as much that you are so self centered to nned attention , or that you re4aly have a GOD complex , because the ddeep nice guy nature is our nature , it is this deep conerm for our family that my Drill Saregents EXploted during training , during that time they take a CIVIL human being and form a Killing Machine . no glory just horror .  ok , but back . to the deep instinct for protection and happiness of the family unit …..   Ahhh think about that deep concern and again see the EVIDENCE TRAIL OF the ……siver back .. the gorilla ,,, the HAREM MALE … not the tribal male of chimps , who yes do form some over all protective area but do not form indiviula bonds with any female for longer thatn a breeding cycle ….. gorilla can form life long bonds in the HAREMS . again more like ourselves .   Ohhh I had an event yesterday … I was compared to a male going thru the MID-LIFE CRISIS ….. that is a SYMPTOM of the deep problem the mid-life event is not the PROBLEM , it can be logicalized into submission but the underl ieing themes will still be there only thing is that the male maybe able to further TWIST his INSTINCT …. Twisted instinct by philip vandermude avaible at www.instinctualism.org ….. the most important part was the people who were doing the talking the , tone and timber of the discussion , the laughableness of the male ,,,, females thinking they are smart , DEMEAN the master ,,, the riducle the Silver Back they in their comfy lifestyle , take all the male does for granted ,expecting life to continue like always . …… and in time over time this DISRESPECT  will eat at the amle ,,,,, I want you young master to open your ears to the TOME AND TIMBER  of females as they talk , and how SUPERIOR they can sound acting as if they have all the answers , when ifact todays world is so fucked upt that they level of DEPRESSION and self medicating and stress , the Evidence Trail of their logic their creations …. Their greed of Eve to own a male !             I want you to realize the generational pattern and mindless-ness it!     Has created a very complex confused ecomony full of self gratifying as an escape from the INSTINCTUAL  pains . and girls do not want to open their minds to the DEEPEST of CAUSES , but to blame the symptoms … symptoms like … mindlife crisis ,,, hell even realize that women go thru seuxall based promiscus slutty midlife crisis’s also . at rates currently of close to 6 in ten married women having affaris ,,, yet the finger point at the men who buy ,,, harlyes or corvettes .  it is the confuse and conquer , the idea of by guilt you can maintain CONTROL , and by ridicule you can maintain your position of CONTROL .   Open your ears young master to the insults , you have grown up with the DISRESPECT OF MASTER … to the point a good man goes bad , very often he goes bad before he becomes a man , his ego crushed by the thoughts words ideas , comments of the females all around him ,,, oftern he had no male role model , to counter balance the 24/7 male bashing … of mom sister grandmothers and media …. I thinka gain back to the numbers of the DEAD BEAT DADS ….. the headlines in news media ,, the comments of divorced mom’s etc , when I found the figures that 8 out of ten men are paying court ordered  child support and for example only 3 out 10 womena are paying their court ordered child support ………. Who is the DEAD BEAT , yes there are more single mom’s but the amoung of single dads is growning ,,,   One reason why there is not out cry is that the PROVIDOR INSTINCT  of the male the good man who will raise his kids alone that GORILLA instinct does not cry or WHINE …. And it certainly does not depend on a woman for anything ! other than what whe and instinct  have designed her for …. And what is that ! what is the bassis for boys and girls getting together in the first place ?   Look I can keep a roof over my head , I can open a can of food , I bring my clothes to the laundry ….. I can surive just fine or else ,, if men could not survie well we would all be dead and girls would have no guys to date ,,, so it is not not not about anything other than , the SCNET OF PUSSY , the hormonial nature of commucation , the sexual frustratin ,,,, it is about sex!   But after the words of HONOR   have been said after the female is comfortable , she thinks she can DISRESPECT  master ! stupidly she makes her own bed the bed she the LIAR  will lie in , why do I say Lliar , BECAUSE THE  girls who the male first met ,,, disappears so very quicly and this new amnaipulative EVE shows up thnking she is so smart that she now is secure because of his HONOR STATEMENTS OF LOVE . and dam it that male would with a little respect sontinue to honor shi word ahppinly if the conditions of the ORGINALA  relationship were maintain’d …… but EVE is a greddy liar . stupid lil’ liar …. Thinking she is smart ignoring tha from the deepest heart shaped box hidden in every man she , pouring bitter herbs with her CARELSESS WORDS  TIMEBER AND TONE  of voice , posining him and her own world. [2] Cried to me Cry

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