There is no Xander. There is only a cardboard cut out of Xander, free to doodle on and abuse. You'll have to settle for a poll box taped to cardboard!Xander's chest.


( :B )

There is a post-it note on the wall here. On it is written a phone number and a very short message.

Science-minded folks who do not believe in limits, please call.

It's likely just a crank.


((taking applications* for The Shop... serious apps only, please. thanks!))


----------------------------
*'applications' as in 'the head of the Shop will talk to you'. word of friendly advise: don't piss him off.

There is a business card tacked up to the Wall and underneath it is a short ad. The ad reads thus:

Looking into relocating to another universe? Don't know how to hammer out the annoying little official details that make it look like you've always been there? Contact me. My rates are reasonable and I can be haggled with. I am also open to any number of other hacking and forging offers.

Justice League members (hur hur) were recently dismayed by the discovery of alternate versions of themselves stemming from a hitherto unknown universe which has since been dubbed Earth 3some.

( Now is sexy tiem! PEW! PEW! )

Latest research at the nexus clinics has led to local experts drawing some intriguing -- and potentially worrying -- conclusions.

Nexus regulars may be familiar with long term coma patient Kyle Baldwin (23), the founding resident of the Kyle Baldwin Memorial Wing. Baldwin has been a patient in the clinics since shortly after they opened, and something of a puzzle to his doctors and caretakers.

Dr Quinten Brandt is here quoted: "If the collective nonsense of the Nexus hasn't awakened Kyle and sent him screaming from the premises, I don't forsee any changes to his condition in the near future."

And Dr Brandt has a very good point. The doctor on the Baldwin case (who would prefer not to be named) has long held the belief that there is no real, medical reason for his patient to remain comatose. Kyle Baldwin simply will not wake up. Recently, researchers at the clinics began to look into why -- the results are startling.

Is the nexus truly just the fever dream of a local coma patient?

(PG 6 FOR MORE ON THIS STORY.)
(PG 8 FOR DETAILS ON THE KEEP KYLE KOMA'D FUND.)

Fliers have been duct-taped to the wall, and in great number. BEHOLD!

( Fake-cut for your linking pleasure. )

A poster is on the wall! It reads:

Mercenary for Hire.
Professionalism and discreetness guaranteed.
Will take any job.
Cellphone number: 555-6578.
Rates vary.

Nexuswide Truth or Dare Game Results in Spontaneous Razing and Reconstruction of Downtown Tokyo Into "Joe's Penis Emporium"
An anonymous spectator comments, "I don't think anybody really expected (name withheld) to do it. But the prices are pretty reasonable, especially given Japan's economy."
"OH MY GOD GET THAT AWAY FROM ME," added reluctant shopper Mitsuko Takagawa.

"I Married Elvis... to his Saurian Alternate From the Eighth Dimension!"
The inspiring tale of one religious pundit's quest to bring even freer love to the arguably already-all-too-cheaply-priced spankfest that passes for love here in the Nexus. Are YOU a diddler of alternates? Do YOU have a pathological and indiscriminate need for attention? Call MetaNexus and give us your story!

Time Traveler Convention to be Held at Unspecified Location at Unspecified Time
Featuring: potluck, treasure hunt, bouncy castle, several missing historically significant artifacts which need to be returned to their proper place/time before various civilizations wink out of existence forever. Bring the kids, the zygotes, or the kids' ashes in an urn, whichever is more temporally convenient!

Naming Trends for Nexus Spawn Continue In Favor of "Eiko" and "Hermes"
Meanwhile, other names find popularity only with the ironic and/or sadistic, such as: Bridget, Gwen, Robin, Walter, Phoenix, or Trout Fishing in America.

Xenu Loves You
This ad has been paid for by Anonymous, who encourage you to google Lisa McPherson and educate yourself.

Someone's put a xeroxed sign up on the wall:

SCRABBLE DICTIONARY WANTED
USED OKAY

WILL BARTER FOR:
- TUTORING IN SCIENCE OR CIVICS
- MOVING LARGE/HEAVY OBJECTS (UP TO 25 TONS)
- VALIANT ATTEMPTS TO FIX YOUR RADIO OR TV (NO PROMISES)

It's signed with a crude, but strangely fluid little sketch of a spider, stylized. Tear-off strips along the bottom indicate a contact number for interested parties.

Attached beneath the poster, is a plain and extremely detailed map that provides clear, precise directions toward the tavern in question.

[ For OOC information on this, please, refer to this post. ]

SUDDENLY, POSTERS! THOUSANDS OF THEM! ...or, more like a handful.

( cut for size! )

Thanks to the many colorful Grundos running around the Nexus, the walls are plastered with fliers depicting the Virtupets Corp. logo and the following text:

LOOKING FOR A JOB? THEN LOOK NO FURTHER!

The illustrious and successful Virtupets Corp. is now hiring! This challenging, fast-paced and hi-tech work environment needs YOU, and offers a wide range of demanding, but rewarding, job openings! These jobs include, but are not limited to:

• AI Debugger
  
• Lab Assistant
  
• Data Collecting/Input
  
• Secretary
  
• Soldier
  
• Test Pilot
  
• Garbage Collector
  
• Short-Order Cook
  
• Dispatcher
  
• Techmonkey
  
• Codemonkey
  
• Funkymonkey
  
• Robot Repair
  
• All-Around Minion
  

And much, much more! Contact and ask our founder/grand overlord/supreme master of Virtupets Corp., Dr. Frank Sloth, for details, further unlisted jobs and if you are interested in an interview. Faeries and cheeky bastards looking to overthrow the Virtupets empire need not apply.

PIPER MAY BE GAY. REPEAT, MAY BE GAY. FIRE UP FLOPSWEAT ENGINES, STAT.

In other news!

Porn. Porn. Porn. What about porn? Oh Hippolyta, when will you learn to use your natural endowments to enrich our lives and yours??

AAHH. AAAHH. TRACES OF BAT-SEXUALITY WHY. At least with Superman, it's happy fun time primary color spandex. Granted, slight clown association, but that can be purged with a little effort. Tight black leather, however, tells me a few things: control freak, drama queen, high maintenance. No thanks!

Do you have more rhymes than a Bible has psalms? Yes.

Forgiving and forgetting, which might best apply to close friends. Nexus, you are a laugh a minute, my goodness!

WARNING. Pimp level has increased by 20%.

Consider this the nascent article in a series about how Nexusites should STOP. BREEDING. Of course, that would only make the spawn more implausible and conversely, more likely to happen. Fuck! KEEP BREEDING. KEEP BREEDING.

Shit, who slung a sparkle bomb in the air vents? Oh, it's Oz. (The one without surprise buttsex.)

Our Heavenly Raptor, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in Jurassic Park. Give us this day our daily clawings, and forgive us our vegetarianism, as we forgive others for their wussy eating habits. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from Robot Santa, for thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the badass. Amen.

Nexus: aiding and abetting since 2004.

Hey, a question about ogling your heroes' butts. Or whatever. BUTTS.

Poor Nightwing. But wait, which one of his MANY EX-GIRLFRIENDS does he mean? It's time for a MetaNexus Blind Item! Anytime Jones, purveyor of quality (mostly low) multiversal gossip says:

Our Gotham respondent says that the city skylines have been silhouetting a certain familiar figure it hasn't seen for years. As we well know, no vigilante makes their home turf Gotham without Batman's permission, unless they totally do! This blurb is going to end here, vaguely, because the batarang behind my ear is poking really hard and I'm getting blood on my tracksuit.

Well, that was very informative, Jones, thank you for your time. We'll send the ferret to check on you. In a few hours.

Public nudity: hazard or natural right? We at MetaNexus offices have one word for you: floorwang

Arrr... blast you, pale Goth youth, and your tricky ways.

Lady, have you come to the right place or what! (You have. That's not a trick question.)

Now this is the kind of question we like to see. Punch now, or punch later? Y/Y (also, do you like me check yes / no)

Ladies, take note: How To Attract Skeevy Malingerers 101. For those times when you're feeling too safe and clean!

Stop, Nexus. You're blowing my mind! Erudite philosophical discussion ensues in a not-at-all baiting fashion as self-identified member of a specific group asks question about the existential nature of aforementioned specific group. In other news, most popular forehead tattoo in the Nexus: LOVE ME

My dead dragon is bigger than your dead dragon! Ah, but is it ALSO attached to your crotch?

Can the Nexus REALLY prepare you for a party? No. But they CAN prepare you for marriage! Oh, all right, parties too, but it depends on the party.

SOUND THE ALARMS. It's the VERY FIRST METANEXUS APOCALYPSE WATCH. What happens when you die? Are you a believer? What is real? When do you stop putting faith in people? Can you accomplish good deeds with bad actions? If you were the evil twin, what would the good twin be like? Is death meaningless? What is the good life? Where do we go, WHERE DO WE GO NOW?

Property for sale in the Nexus? Is it a sweet little vacation home in the pleasant seaside town of Silent Hill?

"How to Win Friends and Influence People". Unfortunately, the first answer that comes to mind is "don't be Isamu".

Welcome, hapless newcomers to the Nexus, whether you flop at our feet like a dying fish, monopolize our couches, or just plain turn up like a sack of unwanted potatoes.

The Nexus can answer your questions about masturbation. And sex. And how to get dildos out of walls. And dogs that look like rats. COINCIDENCE? I think not.

Well! I'll have you know that both llamas and rhinos take offense at this question.

Altering history. ... For fun and profit!

Okay, now what kind of chump minces up to the Nexus and demands normality from it? Freakshow.

The ultimate crime? Some might say Lestat: the Musical. Or we could consult some classic Russian authors. You do that. I'll take a nap.

4 SALE, CHEEp, real genuin not fake fire lizard eggs 7/15 left call nao! Hot damn, that does not sound shady in the slightest. Omelette, anyone?

What? DEMONS YOU SAY? I'm sorry to tell you this... but it's the Impala they're after.



We'll have more IN-DEPTH, HIGH-QUALIT ARTICLES to come soon: how you use your superpower in the bedroom, and introducing, the Nexus Avengers, with exclusive interviews! Well, they haven't agreed to the exclusive part. OR the interview part. But we're convinced they want YOU, the READERS, to be aware of their totally benevolent, not at all yet another poorly thought out move in the ongoing Nexus power struggle! See you soon!

Once again a bounteous expression of the Nexus penchant to value human life primarily on its sexuality, the third, fourth, or maybe fifth Bachelor Auction was loads of fun, girls and boys! Who can keep them all straight? Ha ha, NOBODY in the Nexus, that's for sure! Bidding may have started slow with some amusingly low bids on certain individuals, but things soon heated up. Not only were there plenty of salacious, ill-intentioned perverts driving up the prices, but plenty of pity and rescue bids from justifiably concerned friends and family members kept things exciting! The bidding may not even be over yet, dear readers! Why don't you sally forth to the auction block and see what kind of talentless wastrel you can snag for your very own, at least for 24 hours?

Also, let's hear for our MC, Brett! He's ... something, all right.