Miles To Go Before We Sleep, Part Four, Morgan/Reid
Title: Miles To Go Before We Sleep, part four
Authors: innerslytherin and severity_softly
Pairing: Morgan/Reid
Rating: R/FRM this part (up to NC-17/FRAO for the entire fic)
Summary: After Reid goes off the rails in Texas, Morgan decides Reid needs a friend to support him through whatever he's going through. Several cases and "awesomely" bad sci-fi flicks later, they both realize "friendship" isn't exactly what they want...but sorting through the baggage that stands in the way of a closer relationship is more difficult than either of them expected. Starting immediately after "Elephant's Memory" and running beyond the end of "Lo-fi", this is a multi-chaptered, non-WIP fic.
Word count: this part, ~10,000; overall, ~130K
Spoilers: Entire series - specifically Profiler, Profiled, The Big Game/Revelations, Elephant's Memory, In Heat, Tabula Rasa, and Lo-fi
Warnings: Overall: UST, references to past sexual abuse, drug use/references to past drug use
Notes: Written in RP format. Not currently AU, but it will be after season four starts, as we're writing our own ending to Lo-fi. :) A million thanks to mnemosyne_1 for being an awesome beta! :D

Previous Parts: Part One, Part Two, Part Three



The night was long and morning came too soon. Reid woke at six in the morning with a hangover, and had a quick moment of panic that he might have wrecked his car before he remembered that he'd just bought liquor and brought it home. He didn't know where to get Dilaudid in Virginia. He hadn't looked, and that was probably a good thing.

The alcohol the night before had succeeded for a time in letting him forget everything that was bothering him, but as he got ready for work, it all came flooding back, along with how he'd kicked Morgan out and the knowledge that Morgan would take one look at his slightly red eyes and dark circles and know what he'd done. Still, he took the VRE to work, downing two coffees and three Tylenols on the way, and walked into the office, not meeting anyone's gaze.

Morgan's head was pounding, and he'd already caught himself snapping at Prentiss once, which had earned him a hard look. After leaving Reid's apartment the night before, he'd headed out on the highway on his bike. It wasn't until he'd started seeing signs that said "Virginia Beach 90 mi" that he'd realized how long he'd been driving. Instead of going home, though, he'd headed back to the FBI Academy and spent another hour with a punching bag. He'd finally got to sleep around three in the morning, and he wasn't happy about...well, anything.

When he saw Reid slinking in looking rough, his mood just darkened. He slapped his notebook down on his desktop and stalked over to refill his coffee, telling himself to calm down or everyone would know what he was pissed off about. Not that it matters, there's nothing going on, he told himself. But he hadn't figured out how to deal with the way he felt about Reid, and until he figured it out, he didn't want anyone else realizing what was going on.

Reid controlled a reaction to Morgan's prompt exit and settled in at his desk. It was a routine he'd thought he was past, considering he hadn't used Dilaudid since he'd used the two bottles he'd stolen - avoid people's eyes and hope no one says anything. He glanced at Morgan's empty desk. Someone was going to say something.

After a minute, Morgan managed to calm down enough to add a little sugar to his coffee and head back to the bullpen. "How's it going, Reid?" he said, more of a casual greeting than anything expecting an answer--he knew damn well how it was going for Reid this morning--and sat back at his desk. Later, when he had to work with Emily on something, he made himself smile at her and held his temper in check. It wasn't her fault, after all, that Morgan's life had suddenly decided to go to hell.

His opportunity came at lunch time, when everyone went their separate ways. JJ declined an invitation to join Prentiss for lunch, until Morgan said he had a hand-to-hand class at one-thirty and he was just going to eat at his desk. That left him and Reid--and Garcia, but she was in her bunker--and the minute everyone else was gone, Morgan stood up and went to loom over Reid. "Walk with me," he said, his tone making it clear it wasn't a suggestion.

Reid glanced up, his gaze following Morgan for a moment before he was able to make himself get up and follow. "I don't want to hear it," he murmured, falling in step behind Morgan.

His temper spiking again, Morgan turned and grabbed the lapels of Reid's jacket and dragged him into the round table room, pushing him back against the wall. "You don't wanna hear it? Well, too bad, pretty boy. You invited me into your life, and you don't get to kick me out." He glared at Reid, trying to ignore the frisson of desire that suddenly hit him, dragging his mind back to issue at hand, which was that Reid had lied to him.

Reid gasped and grabbed Morgan's shirt automatically to steady himself. The sharp movement did nothing for Reid's headache, which was slowly coming back, but that wasn't what Reid was concerned about anyway. Morgan was close and Reid was pressed against the wall with his hand curled in Morgan's shirt. Reid suddenly couldn't find an argument no matter how hard he tried, and just stared at Morgan, his mouth hanging open.

Morgan realized immediately from Reid's expression that he'd overreacted. But he couldn't seem to bring himself to let go, and Reid was clutching at his shirt, anyway. So he stayed where he was, glaring at Reid and trying not to listen to the little voice in his head that was whispering that Reid was adorable when he was confused like this. "You lied to me," he said, his voice low. "You said you weren't gonna get fucked up after I left." He realized as he said it that it wasn't true, Reid hadn't actually said so. God, Morgan had been so stupid to just leave him!

"I, ah, never specifically responded to your demands for a promise," Reid said, but he still didn't feel like he could quite breathe properly and his voice came out a little breathy. It would be easy to kiss Morgan right now, he thought, but Reid knew he'd probably get decked for daring, even if Morgan wasn't angry at him. Still, even the anger in Morgan's eyes was sexy.

Reid's voice sent a shiver through Morgan, and he reminded himself that he was angry at Reid, they were arguing. This wasn't making it easy to act that way, though. "So you outsmarted me," he said, his tone turning a little bitter. "You knew what I meant. Don't try to play innocent, Doctor Reid."

"I'm not, I'm stating fact. I didn't promise and I didn't lie," Reid breathed. He couldn't keep his eyes from straying to Morgan's lips. He swallowed hard and flattened his hand against Morgan's chest in a pretense of trying to nudge Morgan away. "It's over anyway. It's done." He hadn't resolved anything. He didn't feel any better. This was only making it worse, when he thought about it, but he still didn't want to duck out of the office.

Morgan's eyelids lowered just a little when Reid reached out and touched him. But after that initial shock of wanting, that touch brought him to his senses. What was he doing? Manhandling Reid like that, pushing him into the wall? God, this was making him crazy. He pulled away, though his fingers were reluctant to let go of Reid. "Over. Done." He didn't look away from Reid's face. "Because it didn't help? And how long are you gonna remember that?" He shook his head. "Reid, I worked narcotics for two years, man. Eighteen months of it deep cover. I've seen what this shit does to people." I should have recognized the signs in you before now. "I can't stand the thought of you throwing all this away."

Reid's chest loosened a little when Morgan pulled back, but he found himself purposely not looking at the hand Morgan left on his shoulder, afraid acknowledging it would cause Morgan to pull away. "I'm not doing that," he murmured, starting to feel a little deflated.

"You can't control it, Reid," Morgan said, his voice quiet but urgent. "I know you're a genius, I know you're capable of doing a hell of a lot. But I've seen the best cops get sucked into that, thinking they're different. Thinking they can control it. Hell, I've been tempted. You think there aren't things in my past I wanna forget?" He leaned in a little, holding Reid's gaze. "I can't stand the thought of you like that, pretty boy. Not you. You're too good."

Reid frowned when Morgan started talking, because Morgan hadn't understood what he meant, though for a moment he just stood there and stared at Morgan, surprised by Morgan's admission that he'd been tempted. He wanted to touch Morgan again. "I meant I'm not doing Dilaudid," he said quietly, the last word feeling strange on his tongue.

Morgan held Reid's gaze for a minute, searching. Then he released a breath he hadn't known he was holding. He lifted a hand and curled it around the back of Reid's neck, nodding. "All right," he murmured. God, he just wanted to pull Reid into his arms again. This was getting dangerous. He had to get a grip on his emotions. "All right. What happened last night?"

Yet again, it struck Reid that Morgan had no clue what kind of mixed messages he was sending Reid. Reid swallowed and ignored the heady sensation of Morgan touching him like he was. "I got drunk," he answered, gazing at Morgan, his expression open.

Morgan nodded again. It wasn't the best answer, but he could understand. Whatever fears he'd touched on with Reid last night, he knew they couldn't be easy ones to deal with. He wondered if Reid would start pushing him away again after this. He didn't want to lose the closeness they'd attained in the past several weeks. He'd come to rely on Reid as much as Reid was relying on him. Even though he confuses the hell outta me.

Reid watched Morgan for a moment. Did Morgan want more of an explanation? Reid didn't think telling Morgan that he'd touched on some deeply rooted abandonment issues last night that were complicated by a desire to kiss Morgan and the knowledge that he never would was a very good thing to come out with. He swallowed and reached a hand up to cover Morgan's on his neck, knowing it was a foolish gesture, but maybe he'd know by the response one way or another if it was true that Morgan would never want him.

Morgan looked at Reid for a second, surprised by that touch, then thought, hell with it, and pulled Reid into an awkward hug. "Listen, it's gonna be okay," he said. "Even if I kick your ass about it, I'm gonna stand with you, Reid. You can count on me." It occurred to him then, that this would look weird if they got interrupted. He started to back away.

Reid wasn't sure he saw any understanding in Morgan's eyes, but he returned the hug anyway. I'm just torturing myself now. He pulled away and straightened, then nodded slowly. "Thanks, Morgan," he said, but he was even more convinced he was being an idiot about this than he was the night before. "I should go eat if you're done lecturing me."

"I lecture because I care," Morgan said, trying for a light tone of voice. It was difficult. He wanted so much to take all of Reid's problems away, to tell him how much he really cared, to make Reid understand he was not alone. He just watched Reid's face for a minute, then nodded. "I'll see you later, Spencer."

Reid nodded, only darting a brief glance up at Morgan before looking away again. He didn't want to see Morgan smiling at him now, completely oblivious to the want racing under Reid's skin. "Yeah," he murmured, and slipped out of the office.

Morgan ate quickly, then headed off to his hand-to-hand class. When that was over, he showered and headed back to the BAU, where Rossi pulled him off to a teleconference consultation on a case in Illinois. By the time he got back to his desk, it was after seven and the bullpen was empty. He frowned to himself for a minute, wishing Reid had left him a note or an email or anything that indicated if he was welcome company tonight. As he walked out to the parking lot, it occurred to him that if Reid had gone home alone, there could be temptations calling his name that he would find it difficult to resist.

Morgan debated with himself for a while, then turned his bike towards Stafford. He would knock on Reid's door, and if Reid was drinking, Morgan would kick his ass. And if Reid wasn't drinking, maybe they could watch that Frankenhooker movie he was always talking about. Or he could get angry and throw Morgan out again.

You're a glutton for punishment, Derek Morgan, he thought to himself. But he couldn't bring himself to stay away. And he wasn't going to call first. He didn't want to give Reid time to hide anything, and anyway, he was harder to resist in person than over the phone. He could probably sweet-talk Reid into letting him stay. Shouldn't be sweet-talking him into anything, he reminded himself, but he ignored that thought.

Reid hadn't managed to cheer up any for the rest of the day, and when he got home, he was just as miserable. No more Morgan, he told himself. It was getting ridiculous. He needed to distance himself from Morgan until he knew he could control himself, until he knew he could just be Morgan's co-worker again. It hadn't been so hard before, but then Morgan had started to cloud the issue without realizing it, touching Reid too much, smiling too warmly, making promises to never leave.

"It's just how Morgan is," Reid said to himself miserably, and decided if he was going to get over this, he needed some time to wallow in his own misery a bit. He poured himself a scotch, thumbed through his DVDs, choosing The Empire Strikes Back over Barbarella, and settled in on his sofa. Reid had finished half his drink and Luke had just crashed his X-wing into Dagobah when a knock sounded at the door.

Reid frowned and stood, making his way to the door. His lips parted in surprise when he saw it was Morgan, and his stomach twisted. He couldn't get away. "Hi," he said, as Yoda started talking through the speakers in the next room.

"Hey." Morgan gave him a sheepish smile, wondering what he was doing here. "Am I interrupting anything?" He glanced behind Reid, trying to see if he had company or if he were watching a movie alone.

Reid shrugged. "Just Jedi training." He followed Morgan's gaze over his shoulder for a moment and then looked back, hoping the uncertainty he was feeling wasn't apparent on his face as he stepped aside and let Morgan in.

Morgan's smile gained a little strength, despite the fact that he suddenly had no idea what to say. He put a hand in his pocket and lifted the other to scratch the back of his neck. "Got any popcorn?" He headed for the living room, thinking that maybe if he ignored the fact that he'd invited himself over, Reid wouldn't make an issue of it. Then he saw the half-empty drink on the table. "Reid."

"Derek," Reid intoned, though it sounded more like 'you'd better not start.' He walked across the room and collapsed on the couch. If Morgan was going to invite himself over on nights that Reid was specifically trying to forget how much he wanted to be with Morgan, Morgan could shelve that disapproving tone. "There's popcorn in the cabinet," he said casually. "And you can help me get rid of this stuff, if you want," he added, gesturing to his drink. "The ice maker in the refrigerator door doesn't work. There's a tray in there."

God, this was such a stupid idea, Morgan thought, looking at Reid for a long moment and trying to decide whether to say anything or not. Finally he sighed and went to the kitchen, messing up Reid's hair as he walked past him. Stop touching him, he told himself as he rummaged through the cabinets looking for the popcorn. Stop acting like you have any right to get close to him. He put the popcorn in the microwave and got himself a glass of ice, then went back into the living room. He poured himself a glass. "Scotch?" he said, dropping onto the sofa.

Reid straightened his hair as Morgan walked away, frowning. When Morgan plopped down beside him again, Reid glanced from the TV to Morgan and shrugged. "I don't really like it, actually. As it turns out." It had worked last night, but next time he decided to get drunk, if that happened, he thought maybe a bottle of wine might do better.

Morgan shrugged and sipped his drink. He'd been spending too much time with Reid. He had to figure out some way to drown out these inappropriate thoughts he'd started having. Of course, drinking on the couch with Reid probably was the worst possible way to go about that. He glanced over at Reid, ignoring the sounds of Yoda throwing Luke's stuff around. It would be a lot easier if this were a female coworker, or just some guy he knew. But looking at a male coworker this way...well, it was two separate issues, and Morgan still didn't know how he felt about finding himself attracted to a man after all these years.

But it's Reid, he thought. It doesn't matter that he's a guy, he's Reid. It didn't make sense, but he kept coming back to that thought. He could acknowledge, objectively, that Hotch was a good-looking guy. But he didn't find Hotch attractive. Somehow it made a difference that it was Reid.

The microwave beeped just then and he bolted up, grateful for an excuse to make himself stop looking at Reid.

Morgan was doing that thing again, sending signals Reid didn't think he was aware of. Reid glanced over after he'd felt Morgan's eyes on him for too long, and the expression on Morgan's face warmed Reid in exactly the way he was trying to avoid being warmed. He watched Morgan walk away and slouched further into the sofa, sipping the bitter liquid in his glass. "You interrupted my wallowing, by the way," he called into the kitchen. You've interrupted my life.

"Good," Morgan said, dumping the popcorn into a bowl and bringing it back to plunk it down between them. "Why are you wallowing?" Morgan knew why he didn't mind drinking tonight, but what had Reid wallowing?

"I can't explain it," Reid said, and it was the truth. He chewed a few pieces of popcorn and kept his eyes on the movie.

"Why not?" Morgan asked. He kept watching Reid instead of the movie, even though the mynoks and the giant worm had always been one of his favorite parts. "Come on, pretty boy, you know you can talk to me," he said. On the TV, Han Solo called Leia 'your worship', which made Morgan want to grin--he had an overwhelming urge to try that one on Reid sometime.

Reid shrugged, not really sure what to say. The truth was that he just couldn't. It might ruin the friendship he and Morgan had started, and Morgan might laugh in his face. Reid trusted Morgan not to in most situations, but not this one. "Just can't."

Morgan sighed but didn't say anything. He turned his attention to the screen for a while, trying to think of anything that might help. "You know, wallowing usually doesn't do much good. We oughtta get out. Go have dinner or something."

Reid glanced over at Morgan. "But we might never know if Luke learns to master the Force," he said, and in spite of himself, his lips curled upwards a fraction.

Encouraged, Morgan smiled back at him. "I can tell you what happens," he teased, and stood, holding out a hand. "C'mon. You pick, I'll buy." Shit, that sounded like a date--except he said that sort of thing to Garcia, too. Okay, it was okay.

Reid raised his eyebrows at the offered hand, but let Morgan pull him up anyway, his hand lingering on Morgan's a second too long. "Mike's 610?" he said, raking his hand through his hair and glancing down at himself to make sure he was presentable to go out.

Morgan sucked in a little breath at the contact, but nodded. "Sure, sounds good." He grinned. "I'm on the bike." God, just what he needed, Reid pressed against his back, holding on to him. Oh, man, but that was exactly what he wanted, even if it was dangerous.

Reid swallowed. Pressing himself up against Morgan right now was not a good idea. He didn't think he could handle that right now. "We can take my car," Reid said, maybe a little too quickly.

Morgan nodded quickly, thinking that was for the best, anyway. "Yeah, okay. You know how to get there, anyway." He grinned faintly at Reid.

A few minutes later, they were getting into Reid's car, Reid fumbling with the volume control on his stereo as Abbey Road started loudly from the crackly 8-track player when he turned the key in the ignition.

Morgan was still taking in the car. It was the perfect car for Reid, no question, but... "What year did they make this thing? I didn't know it was possible to even find 8-tracks any more." He was grinning, running his fingers along the carefully-maintained dash.

"You have to do some digging, and even then half the time they don't work," Reid answered absently. "It's a '66."

"Not interested in updating the sound system?" Morgan asked. He turned to look at Reid, curious about his tone of voice. For all his familiarity with technology, Reid seemed to be more comfortable with old-fashioned stuff. He wondered if it was just because it was more interesting, or if there were other reasons.

Reid glanced over at Morgan briefly as he started to back out of his spot, still sort of wishing Morgan had let him spend the night wallowing alone. His first response to Morgan's question was why? He liked the 122 the way it was made. But after a moment, he shrugged. "It would look out of place."

"True." Morgan cocked his head. Since when did Reid care how things looked? Or maybe he did. Maybe the stodgy-professor look was intentional, instead of because he paid more attention to the inside than the outside. Morgan's lips curled. Either way, he'd started out thinking Reid looked like a dork, and over the years he'd actually gotten to be fond of the way Reid dressed. He'd look damn good in a pair of jeans, though. The unexpected thought sent a wash of warmth through him and he clenched his jaw. He was going to have to get those thoughts under control.

Reid drove to the restaurant, letting a silence hang in the car even above the sound of the 8-track. When they pulled in, they wandered inside and slid into a booth, ordering their drinks and scanning the menu, Reid's hair falling into his eyes. "Why'd you come over tonight?" he asked, hoping it didn't sound bad. He liked Morgan's company, though he was starting to find it dangerous to his way of thinking, and it wasn't like Morgan to just show up.

Morgan's fingers itched to push that stray hair out of Reid's face. "Spencer," he said, leaning forward, "you don't seem to get that I like spending time with you." He smiled, though it was tinged with a little sadness. He suddenly wished he'd ordered himself something alcoholic instead of a Coke. "I wish I knew how to convince you how important you are." How much I care about you.

After a moment, Reid reached up and pushed his hair behind his ear and sighed, nodding. He knew he was important to the team, but there was still an emptiness inside him. He eyed Morgan for a moment, wondering if he could keep doing this - riding behind Morgan on his bike, sitting so close to him on his couch - without driving himself insane. He was going insane already. His chocolate milkshake arrived a few minutes after Morgan's Coke and he stirred it with his straw. "I know I'm important," he mumbled.

Morgan frowned a little, watching him. "Important to me, Spencer." More important than you should be. "I wish I could help you with whatever's going on here." He swallowed the rest of what he wanted to say. What's driving you to drink? Is it just the struggle with Dilaudid? Or is there something else?

Reid nodded and sipped his shake, wishing the thick sugary drink could actually dilute the bitterness he was feeling. "You can't. It's just... something in my mind. Something I need to forget that just keeps playing over and over like a broken record." He glanced up and gave Morgan a wry smile before adding, "It's just me being stupid. It happens a lot more regularly than I'd like people to see." He shifted a little in his seat and dropped his gaze.

Morgan shook his head, watching Reid. "You know, you may be a genius, but you're also human. You're allowed to do stupid things sometimes." He smiled faintly. "Still, I have a hard time believing this is stupidity-induced. Unless you're thinking about..." He trailed off and shrugged. "You know. The thing." He didn't want to even mention the drugs in public, even if there was no one around.

Reid's brows furrowed in thought for a moment. The thing? He glanced back up at Morgan, and it suddenly dawned on him what Morgan was talking about. He shook his head. "It's been eleven months, and I'm, ah, I don't think I'm counting last night. It's not, ah..." He shifted again and drank more of his shake. "It's just not." It's not my drug of choice.

Morgan nodded slowly. "Not saying last night was good, but I don't think it counts." His smile strengthened a little. "Eleven months, Reid. That's good." He couldn't believe he'd missed the signs, but he'd thought it was just PTSD after Hankle, which was completely understandable. He caught Reid's gaze. "It may not be my place to say it, but I'm proud of you."

Reid smiled a little, then had to remind himself that he shouldn't take those words too close to heart. Morgan would be proud of anyone for that. Still, Reid's heart gave a little hopeful tug that Morgan didn't think less of him after the night before. He nodded and swallowed. "Thanks."

"I believe in you, Reid. I know you can do this." Morgan started to reach out to touch Reid's arm, then caught himself and grabbed his drink instead. "But if that's not what's bothering you..." He trailed off and shook his head. "Sorry. You know you can talk to me if you want. I'm not gonna push you." He sipped his Coke. "How's your mom doing?"

Reid nodded, his lips pulling to the side. He didn't think he could talk to Morgan about what was bothering him. "She's fine. She's, ah, she's not speaking right now," he said, nodding slowly and sliding in his seat a little, and feeling his chest go tight when his leg brushed Morgan's under the table. His first impulse was to straighten immediately, but he knew jerking away might betray too much of what he was thinking, what was really bothering him.

Morgan went still as Reid's leg brushed his, sending a wash of heat through him. Man, he couldn't do this. He couldn't pretend everything was normal between them when he was so confused about what he wanted. He nodded, not sure what to say, and entirely unwilling to move away from that small contact. "You know, in a way, I'm kinda jealous that you feel like you can tell your mom stuff." He glanced at Reid, then looked back down. "From the time I turned twelve, I've been keeping things from mine." As soon as he said it, he realized it probably sounded insensitive, considering Diana Reid's problems.

Reid's lips pressed together, his expression going halfway between uncertainty and sympathy. "My mom's a lot like me in the sense that she doesn't have anyone to tell." He smiled sadly, because they both knew what had happened with Randall Garner. "Besides, if she was around, I probably wouldn't," he admitted.

Morgan shrugged. "Yeah." He glanced up at Reid and gave him a lopsided smile. "Thanks for not shutting the door in my face tonight." He wasn't sure what made him say it. He shouldn't draw attention to the way he'd just shown up at Reid's apartment, without an invitation or a reason. He shouldn't draw attention to the fact that he was practically chasing after Reid these days.

"Only because I couldn't think of a good enough excuse," Reid teased, his voice soft and still laced with sadness from what they'd just been discussing. He nudged Morgan's leg, forgetting himself for a moment. He tilted his head at Morgan. "Why did you come by?"

Morgan made a face at Reid and nudged him back, but his amusement faded at the question. What reason could he give that wouldn't tell Reid too much? He looked up, forcing himself to meet the warm brown gaze. "I was worried," he admitted. "I just...couldn't stop thinking about our talk at lunch." Which was true, but for different reasons than Reid might think. After a moment, Morgan sighed and reached out to touch the back of Reid's hand. "I just wanted to make sure you know you're not alone. You've always got me." He forced a grin. "Even if you want to get rid of me," he added.

Reid's heart jumped into his throat when Morgan touched his hand, and his mind went straight to panic mode. Morgan was worried, couldn't stop thinking about Reid, didn't want Reid to be alone. Reid nodded. "Did you know that Research has shown a fairly high prevalence of drug and alcohol use among people with untreated schizophrenia?" Reid blurted. It was the first thing he thought of, and he glanced up at Morgan from under his lashes, then let his eyes fall again. "Thing is, no one is really sure if certain drugs contribute to the cause of the illness, or if there is a higher number of schizophrenics who abuse drugs because it's a way to, ah, self-medicate."

Morgan's eyebrows went up as he tried to follow the mental leap Reid had made there. "Makes sense," he said after a while. "It's the same reason most people fall prey to drug and alcohol abuse. They want something to treat the pain." He realized he was still touching Reid's hand, but since Reid hadn't pulled away, Morgan didn't either. His gaze went a little unfocused as he concentrated on memorizing this warmth. "Doesn't really matter what causes the pain." God, he was going to go home and try to drown this night, that was for sure.

Reid drew in a deep breath at the feel of Morgan's hand on his and he swallowed hard, but he didn't move his hand. He didn't dare move it. He cleared his throat, willing himself to say what he was thinking and then telling himself he was just asking for Morgan to reject him if he did. But he said it anyway, because these thoughts had to stop one way or another, and he obviously wasn't getting rid of them by sheer force of will. "Did you know that homosexuality was considered a mental illness until 1973?" As soon as the words were out, he wondered if he could blame his half-glass of scotch from earlier.

A wash of cold went through Morgan, and he realized suddenly that he was practically holding Reid's hand. He hadn't really meant the gesture as a come-on, but from Reid's perspective... Then again, Reid hadn't pushed him away. Morgan's breath caught in his throat as he considered the possible ramifications of that. After a long, frozen moment, he tilted his head , his brows drawing together in thought. "Are you asking me something, or telling me something, pretty boy?" he said quietly.

Reid swallowed, still looking at the table instead of Morgan. "Can it be both?" Oh God. This wasn't supposed to happen. This had to be one of his finer stupid moments. Morgan was never going to look at him the same way. "You've, ah... you've been sending me all these... mixed signals," he breathed.

Morgan drew in a slow breath and tightened his hand on Reid's just a little. Mixed signals. All right, he had been touching Reid more than usual...but he'd always touched Reid more than most people did. He thought about that. Reid didn't sound angry. And if he was actually saying...well, that would make Morgan feel a hell of a lot better about the new light he'd been seeing Reid in lately...but it also opened up a whole new door that Morgan wasn't sure he was ready to go through. After a long moment, Morgan cleared his throat, still searching for words. "Okay."

Reid frowned at that reply. What exactly did that mean? Reid wasn't sure he was entirely comfortable with having just admitted what he had and Morgan only coming up with a one-word reply. He drew his hand away after a moment, dropping it to his lap. "Okay?"

Morgan frowned a little when Reid pulled away. He left his own hand sitting on top of the table. "Okay," he repeated, trying to think. "I, um. I--the mixed signals, that was..." Come on, Derek, you're the smooth one, he told himself. He took a long sip of his Coke. "Okay. I don't know. The truth is, I'm just starting to realize--no, face up to the fact that there are still...still some issues from what Carl did to me." He took a quick breath and looked down at the table. Hold it together, say something intelligent here. "I've just recently admitted to myself that this is one of them. So the mixed signals...were unintentional, but...yeah." God, he felt like he'd been kicked in the stomach. Reid might never forgive him. "Yeah, I meant them, too."

Reid felt a little cold at the mention of Carl Buford. Morgan had brought him up before, and Reid appreciated that Morgan trusted him enough to talk about it, but it was still a little unnerving. Morgan's admission that the mixed signals were unintentional wasn't any more comforting, though, until Morgan finished and a rush of hope tinged with caution flooded Reid. "You meant them," he repeated, though it was clear by his tone that he was looking for confirmation and clarification.

Morgan sucked in a breath and forced himself to meet Reid's gaze. "I meant them. I wanted--I want--ah, hell, Spencer, you're fascinating, don't you know that?" He rubbed his free hand across his face, not willing to move the other from where it still reached out across the table. "I'm in over my head here, pretty boy."

Reid blinked and raised his eyebrows. Intelligent, okay, yes... but fascinating? He held Morgan's gaze for a moment, not sure what to say, then finally opened his mouth. "How? I... I'm glad you meant them." He shook his head, then clarified, "Not that you were confusing me, but that you... feel the same way." God, he hoped he wasn't going too far out on a limb with that.

"How what?" Morgan asked, then registered the important part of what Reid had said. "Wait, so--the same way?" He stared at Reid, praying he was going to say what Morgan hoped he was going to say. This was ridiculous. He was used to being the smooth one, the confident one...but he had no idea how to talk about a relationship with someone. He wasn't good at talking about feelings, let alone commitments. And he sure as hell wasn't going to even think about anything less, not where Reid was concerned. "Reid?"

Before Reid realized it was happening, a cautious smile formed on his face. He reached back out and closed his hand on Morgan's where it was still resting on the table, but he wasn't sure what to say. "Yeah."

Morgan grinned slowly back at him. "Yeah. Okay." He tightened his fingers on Reid's as a wave of fresh anxiety went through him--but it was a good kind of nerves this time, the sort that told him he had no idea what he was getting himself into...but it was going to be great. "That's a relief."

Reid nodded, wondering how stupid Morgan would think it was that this was what he had been wallowing about. He didn't say it though. He just squeezed Morgan's hand and let go again. "What do we do?" he asked.

Morgan shrugged. "You know as much about relationships as I do, man." He had a sudden desire to forgo eating here and go back to Reid's apartment. He wasn't entirely comfortable talking about this in public. Well, at all, really. "Wait, is this why you were drinking? Shit."

Reid frowned and shifted to cross his legs under the table, then grabbed his shake again. "It was a combination of things," he answered, which wasn't entirely untruthful. "And whether or not you've... you've still... you're..." He shrugged, not knowing what he was trying to say, but after a moment, his lips were curling again. Morgan liked him. It was unbelievable.

"I, what?" Morgan asked, then held up a hand to show he wouldn't push. "Okay, let me tell you what I did last night after I left your apartment. I rode my bike to Richmond. About fifteen miles over the limit most of the way. So I wasn't drinking, but..." He shrugged. "I get it."

Reid's smile didn't quite fade, but his brows drew together again. "What's in Richmond?"

Morgan shook his head, laughing. "Nothing. I just wanted to drive fast, and I had so much on my mind, I was seventy miles from here before I even realized it." The waitress interrupted then with their food, and Morgan couldn't decide if he was grateful or annoyed.

Oh. Reid nodded, then smiled at the waitress.

Morgan thanked her and waited for her to go, then looked back at Reid. "I'm confused as hell. But I can't stop thinking about you. About--this."

Reid's chest felt tight that Morgan was as interested in a relationship as he was, and he glanced down at his food, not really feeling like eating anymore. He looked back up at Morgan from under his lashes, noting Morgan didn't seem overly enthused by his burger either. "Should we get this to go?"

Morgan nodded. "Good idea, genius boy. I'll get the check if you'll get the boxes." He'd only suggested it as a reason to get out of the house and away from the scotch, anyway.

Twenty minutes later they were back at the door to Reid's apartment, Morgan holding two boxes of food and feeling as if his stomach were flopping over inside him. Women had never been this terrifying. Then again, he'd made it a policy not to sleep with female friends. This was crossing more than one comfort line, and he had this horrible fear that he was going to screw up big time.

As soon as they were in the house, he headed for the kitchen, then paused, not knowing if they were going to eat now or if he should just stick the food in the fridge.

Reid followed Morgan inside, tossing his keys on the counter and watching Morgan. He wasn't exactly sure what they were doing back here. He knew they probably needed to talk about this, but he wasn't sure where to start. And then there was that little voice in Reid's head that kept telling him that he and Morgan were on the same page now, and because they were, he should just kiss Morgan and get it over with. God, he wanted to kiss Morgan. He swallowed, watching Morgan curiously. "What?"

"Food go in the fridge for now?" Morgan said, turning to glance at him. He'd been glancing over at Reid the whole way back to the apartment, not quite able to convince himself he was allowed to just look at him for no reason except that he was pretty. He caught himself chewing the inside of his lip and shrugged, then put the boxes in the fridge. Then he leaned back against the counter and looked at Reid. He'd really just been looking for something to delay this conversation, and there was no sense in that. "Spencer..." he began, but trailed off, just staring at him, his lips curving slowly up. God, he was so in over his head, and suddenly he realized that was a beautiful thing.

Reid watched as Morgan moved about the kitchen, and when Morgan settled against a counter, Reid settled against the opposite one, a small smile appearing on his lips when Morgan smiled. "Morgan," he murmured, and then suddenly remembered he didn't have a clue what he was doing and glanced nervously away. "I can make us some coffee, if you want."

Morgan shook his head dismissively. He didn't want supper, he didn't want coffee--he wanted to kiss Reid until neither of them could breathe. He scratched his ear. "I guess one of us has to say it..." he said finally. "There are all kinds of rules against this sort of thing." The warmth in his gaze made it pretty obvious he didn't care about the rules, but he didn't want to be responsible for ending Reid's career or getting him reprimanded.

Reid nodded, dragging his gaze back to Morgan's. "Fraternization is mentioned in at least..." Reid looked at the ceiling, thinking for a moment. "Four separate rules, yes." He wanted to close the distance between them anyway.

Morgan nodded. "I don't give a damn about the rules." He kept his gaze on Reid's.

Reid swallowed and gripped the counter behind him. He couldn't say that he agreed with Morgan's sentiment fully, though he hadn't exactly gone by the rules either, especially not lately. He held Morgan's gaze for a moment, just barely controlling the desire coursing under his skin. "Then break them," he said softly, his tone suggesting rather than demanding.

That quiet invitation dissolved Morgan's hesitation. He crossed the room quickly and lifted his hands to cradle Reid's head. The next instant, their lips were pressed together, Morgan's gentle but hungry as he finally quit fighting his desires and gave in.

Reid didn't have time to panic, and the moment their lips met, he reached up and curled his fingers in Morgan's shirt. He moaned automatically at the slide of Morgan's tongue and felt a flash of heat spread through his body. Oh, this was really finally happening! His other arm circled Morgan's waist. This was simple, easy, right. He knew how to do this - he knew how to kiss women, at least, and the act itself wasn't any different with a man.

Reid's moan sent a shiver of pure wanting through Morgan and he leaned into Reid a little, letting their chests and hips come into contact, pressing Reid lightly against the counter. He groaned softly and slid one hand into Reid's hair, a thrill going through his entire body. This was just like kissing a woman, and nothing like kissing a woman. This was Spencer--his mind kept circling back to that thought. He couldn't hear anything but the pounding of his own heart. Spencer wanted him.

Reid felt his body responding to the press of Morgan's readily, his nerves coming alive. His hands slid around Morgan, running over the broad, muscular back. This was what was missing the occasions he'd kissed women, this strength. Morgan felt powerful and safe... and completely intoxicating. Reid was lightheaded. He deepened the kiss and then pulled away reluctantly for air, feeling dizzy and happy. "You know, I always had a thing for Han Solo," he breathed.

Morgan laughed softly and wrapped his arms around Reid, pulling him into a tight hug. He rested his cheek against Reid's hair and closed his eyes. "Oh, God, Spencer, I really don't know what we're getting ourselves into here." He licked his lips, wishing his heart would slow down a little. "You are going to have to be patient with me, pretty boy. Like I said, I'm still figuring out some of my issues."

Reid closed his eyes, his fingertips stroking down Morgan's back. Given Reid's experience, or lack thereof, he hadn't ever really thought that Morgan might be the one that needed time with this. But then, he'd never considered Morgan might want this at all, and Reid understood where Morgan's hesitance came from, even if he could never really know how Morgan felt. "I've... I've waited this long," he said.

Morgan went still. "Waited?" he murmured. "For...me?" How long had Spencer wanted this? How long had Morgan been utterly oblivious to what was going on between them? Longer, he suspected, than he had realized.

Reid swallowed. "Yeah." He wasn't sure why he was suddenly so nervous again. He tightened his arms around Morgan. "I... I always... I put it aside, you know. I hadn't thought about it for a long time, until... after Texas." Reid drew a deep breath and wondered if admitting that put more pressure on this, but it was too late to take it back. "I needed-- need-- you were there, and it just... came back."

"And I've been completely oblivious," Morgan said quietly. "I was honestly just pursuing friendship with you, pretty boy." Suddenly it was a relief to call him that, to have Reid understand he meant that. "I didn't realize what was going on with me until--" He sighed. "God, this case. Stephen Fitzgerald. His own father making him hate himself for being gay... I just...I realized that Carl--that I had been ashamed of any part of myself that didn't seem strong enough, masculine enough..." He found himself stroking his fingers through Reid's hair, taking comfort in the way Reid was holding on to him. "Like I said, I spent a lot of time proving that I was man enough to get any woman I wanted...and in the meantime, you got past my defenses."

Reid shrugged. "I put it aside. There wasn't anything to be oblivious about until recently." His eyes fluttered shut at the gentle feeling of Morgan's hand in his hair, and he leaned in to rest his head on Morgan's shoulder, pressing his face to Morgan's neck and taking a moment to enjoy that he was allowed to do that. "It takes more strength to let yourself be vulnerable," he whispered. "I know I don't have to tell you this, but it wasn't your fault."

Morgan shivered a little and tightened his arms around Reid. "You don't have to tell me that," he said, "but I'm glad you did." It felt so good, holding on to Reid like this, Reid's arms tight around him. "You deserve to know that I've never had a relationship last longer than a few weeks. Even back in college when I tried, sometimes...I've got to admit, I'm terrified that I'm going to hurt you."

That sobered Reid a little, a wash of cold hitting him even as his fingers tightened in the back of Morgan's shirt. He stilled. Reid had never done this before, and the thought that Morgan might not give this a real shot stung. But Morgan was also clinging to him now. There was almost something desperate about it, and if Morgan was going to try to overcome his issues to be with Reid, Reid couldn't deny that that was something. That was huge. "Were you terrified of hurting them?" he whispered.

"I didn't care about them. I was just interested in myself, in what I needed." Morgan frowned, nuzzling Reid's hair with his nose. "You...Spencer, I've never...I've had buddies, I've had teammates...you're not like anyone else. You're..." He trailed off, then pulled away enough to meet Spencer's gaze fiercely. "You're special. And I'd never forgive myself if I hurt you."

Reid was relieved as soon as Morgan started talking. If Morgan was worried and never had been before, that was different. At least, Reid hoped it was. He stared at Morgan, his expression open, and nodded slowly. "Then..." He swallowed, his mouth feeling dry. "Then either this is different, or we don't do it at all." It hurt to say, to even suggest they not pursue this, but if this had a high probability of wounding them both, maybe they shouldn't do this. He leaned back to trail a fingertip along Morgan's jaw. I need you.

Morgan's eyes fell closed, his breath hitching at that light touch. "This is already different," he whispered. "Because I can't even think about not having you in my life. I..." He opened his eyes, catching Reid's gaze. "I'd rather keep you as a friend than not at all. But I can't lie to you. I don't know what I'm doing, but you already mean more to me than just a friend."

Reid smiled at Morgan, then hooked a hand around Morgan's neck and kissed him again, a soft, slow kiss. "It's getting late," he said, wondering if he could manage to suggest Morgan should stay without sounding awkward, or if Morgan would even want to.

That kiss sent another thrill through Morgan. Just the fact that Reid had kissed him sent a thrill through him. He'd been afraid that Reid would expect him to have all the answers just because he'd slept with a lot of women. "Do you want me to go?" he asked quietly, and leaned in to kiss Reid again, his lips just parting a little against Reid's lower lip before he pulled away.

Reid whimpered when Morgan pulled away, and he moved to follow Morgan too late. He pursed his lips and gave Morgan a mild look he hoped implied he didn't think it was very fair pulling away like that. "Well, I was going to say no."

Morgan smiled slowly at him. "Are you saying now you want me to go?" he teased, trying to hide his sudden mild anxiety. He wondered what Reid was thinking.

Reid didn't hesitate to shake his head in answer. He held Morgan's gaze, feeling both excited and anxious. He'd never shared a bed with anyone other than his mother on occasions when he had been young, on nights when she had been afraid to let him sleep alone (or sleep by herself) for reasons that never made sense to Reid, though he yielded to her insistence anyway.

Morgan's smile strengthened a little. "Are you saying you want me to stay?" he asked, and brushed his lips against Reid's again. He wondered if either of them knew what they were doing right now. He wasn't staying for sex, and Reid...what was he inviting Morgan to stay for? Were they even talking about the same thing?

Reid nodded slowly. "I'd like you to," he said, and then the nerves kicked in again. "Um, I, ah, I... don't have... a spare room." His face was hot. God, he hoped he wasn't blushing.

After a moment, Morgan pulled away, studying Reid's face. He was blushing. That was incredibly cute. It still felt a little strange that he was allowed to think things like that. "Next time you're at my place, I'm not going to be offering you the spare room," he said, his voice low. "You don't steal the covers, do you?" He brushed his fingertips along one cheek, charmed by that blush.

Embarrassed, Reid snatched Morgan's hand and bought it down to his shoulder, clasping it loosely there, but then he just shrugged. "I don't know," he said, willing the heat in his cheeks to go away. "Glad you can sleep with the light on," he added, his tone light. He'd seen Morgan do it often enough on the jet.

Morgan smiled. "I didn't bring anything to sleep in," he murmured, his fingers tightening a little on Reid's shoulder. Shut up! he told himself. You don't need to make excuses.

Well, that did nothing to stop the blush. Reid felt his cheeks go hotter. Was Morgan suggesting that he sleep in nothing? His boxers? Wait, did Morgan wear boxers? Or briefs? Oh God! "Oh..."

An unpleasant thrill went through Morgan. "Wait, that's not what I meant," he said, trying to backpedal. "I mean, I wasn't implying..." He licked his lips. "I can sleep in my jeans." His shorts would be more comfortable, and decent enough, but he didn't want to push Reid's limits. Or his own. "Maybe I'm overthinking this," he added lamely.

Reid knew the relief had to be apparent in his body language. He hadn't realized his shoulders had tensed until they loosened at those words. "I think we both are," he replied, and gave Morgan a nervous smile.

Morgan massaged Reid's shoulder lightly, smiling back. "I guess so," he managed. He wondered if it would hurt Reid's feelings if he admitted how intimidated he felt right now. He couldn't do it, though. He'd already been a lot more open about his feelings on this one night than he usually was in an entire month. He took a deep breath. "Bed, then?" Those two words sent his pulse rate up again.

Reid licked his lips and nodded, then stroked his thumb along Morgan's jaw. "Yeah." Morgan was still against Reid, who was pressed up against the counter. Reid's back had started to ache a few minutes ago, but he only just now acknowledged it as he pushed Morgan back softly. He smiled again, hoping that would lessen both their nerves, and started down the hallway to his bedroom, kicking his shoes off along the way. He ducked into the bathroom. "I'll be in in a minute."

Morgan stopped in the doorway to the bedroom, closing his eyes and taking a couple of deep breaths. This was easy. He could do this. He pushed off his shoes and put his socks neatly inside, then tugged off his shirt and shook it out, then folded it. After a moment he shook it out again and refolded it, then glanced at the bed. This is stupid, he thought. You can fall into bed with a woman you don't even know, but you're having second thoughts about climbing in bed--just to sleep--with a man you've worked with and respected for five years. He cleared his throat. It occurred to him that he'd be a lot more comfortable sleeping in his jeans if he took off his belt, cell phone, and pager.

Reid debated whether or not he should brush his teeth, considering Morgan couldn't, but then finally did anyway. He took out his contacts and slid his glasses up his nose, and padded to the bedroom. His lips parted at the sight of Morgan, the top of his boxers (yes, boxers) poking out of the top of his jeans. After a minute he realised he was staring, and shook himself mentally, slipping into his closet to change. He stared at the t-shirt in his hands. Morgan wasn't wearing a shirt. Reid looked down at himself for a moment, and pulled his on anyway before stepping out into the room and starting to flip all but the dimmest light in the room off.

Morgan gave him a smile, thinking Reid sometimes still looked more like a geeky college kid sometimes than the brilliant profiler that he was. "Gonna use the john," he offered, and ducked into the bathroom to take a leak and wash his hands, then borrowed a little toothpaste and scrubbed it over his teeth with a fingertip. You are as nervous as a girl on prom night, he told his reflection. Get a grip.

Finally he took a deep breath and left the security of the bathroom to find the room only dimly lit and Reid perched at the head of the bed, legs crossed.

When Reid glanced up, he smiled, but it didn't do anything to ease the pressure in his chest. He shifted to the side to make room, and then down to lie on his back, waiting and feeling supremely awkward, not quite sure how he should lie just yet.

"Hey," Morgan said softly. "Which side is yours?" He settled on the edge of the bed, trying to look as if he weren't inches from an anxiety attack, and managed a smile. "You get comfortable, and then I'll join you."

"Both of them," Reid answered, and then suddenly smiled wider at how amusing this actually was, how nervous and silly they were both being. Not that he was any less nervous, but it suddenly felt less pressing when Morgan asked him what side was "his". "Just lie down," he whispered, "We'll get comfortable together."

Morgan laughed, feeling something loosen in his chest. Right. "You know, that might be the best description of this whole thing," he said, his smile getting stronger. "We'll get comfortable together." He settled in on his side, facing Reid, pillowing his head a little awkwardly on one elbow. He lifted his free hand to run his fingers down Reid's cheek and throat to settle lightly on his chest.

Reid's breath hitched slightly and he closed his eyes, remembering belatedly that his glasses were still on. He pulled them off and turned to put them on his night stand, and when he turned around Morgan was fuzzy around the edges, though close enough that he wasn't just a fuzzy brown blob. Maybe that was why it now felt easier to touch him. Reid shifted a little closer and ran his fingers down Morgan's side.

"You know," Morgan murmured, his gaze tracing Reid's lips and the line of his nose, and finally meeting those warm brown eyes, "I mean it when I call you pretty. You are a beautiful man, Spencer Reid."

Reid snorted, but moved closer, pressing Morgan onto his back so that he could rest his head on Morgan's shoulder. "Right," he said, disbelief clear in his voice.

"You don't believe me, pretty boy?" Morgan asked, sliding his arms around him and holding him tightly. "I would never lie to you." He let out a deep sigh, feeling himself relax. This was good. He thought of the way Reid used to curl up on the jet's couch next to him and wondered if this possibility had ever crossed Reid's mind. He found himself wishing he'd wanted this for as long as Reid had.

"I believe you believe it," Reid said, closing his eyes. "People's perceptions of beauty are altered both by what they value in life as well as personal experiences with the subject of attraction. In studies it's been--"

Morgan laughed and tilted Reid's chin up to kiss him. "Shh. You're beautiful. Say thank you." God, this felt so right--he hadn't even imagined how comfortable this would be.

Reid's brows drew together when he was cut off, though he wasn't the least upset. "My point is that I'm every bit as scrawny and geeky as you thought I was when you met me," he said, voice soft. He blinked at Morgan for a minute, and then kissed him again. "I'm glad your perception changed."

"I've always known you're more attractive than you think you are," Morgan said. "And that you don't give yourself enough credit." He slid his fingers into Reid's hair and kissed him again, slower this time. "But I'm glad I finally learned how to really see what was right in front of me." He shifted a little, settling into the mattress, and smiled. "Is this all right?"

Reid wanted to keep kissing Morgan. He wanted to kiss until they were breathless, probably kiss him until they were both desperate for more, even though he knew neither of them were ready for that. But then Morgan shifted, and Reid relaxed down against him again, enjoying how warm and safe this felt, and not missing the idea of more kissing too much. He draped an arm over Morgan and sighed. "It's perfect."



Part Five