| My mother |
[15 Jul 2009|10:59pm] |
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So I am definitely feeling a little sentimental tonight. Today my mother and I went to my childhood home, which they sold two years ago. Apparently the new owners were quite irresponsible because now it is past the foreclosure stage and is now owned by the bank. All of the doors were wide open, there were windows knocked out, and the place was a complete wreck. Beer bottles all over the place, everything had been stripped, and it looks like they left in a damn hurry. Its said to see my childhood home in shambles like that. It was a really nice place. My parents even put some money into fixing things up before putting it up for sale. All of that is gone now and the pretty neutral colors were painted over with really dark blue, fuchsia and bright yellow. The grass was at least six feet tall. The garage looked like a hurricane had hit it. There was about a foot of trash on the floor. After we took our little tour, we went on about our day. I took mom to her cardiologist appointment in which we discovered that her carotid artery has some issues. She has had heart problems for some time, having palpitations, and no doctor so far has completely figured her out or got her fixed yet. This evening we went home to our respective homes and shortly after mom was on her way to the hospital. She has had a heart monitor on her for several days now and she had another episode after I got her home. She transmitted the information to the company that reads it, they called her doctor, and the doctor called her and said that she needed to go to the hospital immediately. So, off she went. They admitted her and so far tonight we don’t have any more answers than before. I realize that the human body is complicated, but why have we been doing this dance for several years, only to have no answers. My parents are drowning in doctor bills that are difficult to pay on their pension and social security. I’m not ready to lose my parents yet. There is so much that we haven’t done. There is so much that I haven’t said.
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[15 Jul 2009|10:26pm] |
dear (insert name here):
thanks for treating me like shit for the past three years: if you hadn't, i wouldn't know how to spot another loser like you in the future..and he would probably treat me the same as you did, if not worst- Thanks to you, i will never date another married or "separated man"~if he's not divorced, i can wait until he is.
- thanks to you; i will never date another who drinks as much as you, and/or drinks and gets behind the wheel of a car so he can roll it at 4am..
- thanks to you; i will never date anyone thats fooled around on me, or any other past relationships.
 - ...i will never date anyone who doesn't compliment, encourage or build me up..or make me feel ugly, unsexy, undesirable&unwanted
- ...i will never continue to date anyone who turns me down for sex more than once...without a legitimite excuse
 - i will never date anyone who lives with his parents at 37...and is quite comfortable doing so..
- i will never continue to date anyone who doesn't get me a birthday or christmas gift after receiving one from me on the same occasions.
 - i will NEVER date anyone who doesn't take care of themselves, like themselves, doesn't brush their teeth, and/or take care of basic hygiene..like showering everyday when they have an outside job, where they work overtime a lot...and then lay on the parking lot to fix there car for 4 hours after work....and then gets offended when i suggest they might need to take a shower.
- i will never continue to date anyone that i've caught in a lie
- i will never let any man move in with or live with me that doesn't pay half of the bills
 - i will never date a man with longer hair than me..
- i will never date a man that doesn't believe in God.
- i will never continue to date any man that is in active substance abuse.
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| day 88 |
[15 Jul 2009|07:19pm] |
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mood |
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wiped out |
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music |
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whatever M is putting on |
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i had a 2pm appointment with the dentist
they called me and woke me at ten, could i come in earlier?
i said, sure, 1pm fine? sure, they said
i woke up fully and called them and said i could make it at noon
they said that would be fine and i got my shit together
keys, mp3 player, off i go at 11 to walk there by noon
i get there at 11:30, they were thrilled
i think they were looking at half a day off
they tried on my machinery, told me not to bite down hard
the teeth were stuck in it with wax
the teeth were a perfect color match to my own, what few were left
then they said they'd call me when the finished machinery came in
i said okay and then they told me that someone was waiting for me
i looked out the window and M was sitting in his car
relieved i wouldn't have to walk home in the heat, i jumped in the car
and i totally forgot the prescription for lortab to keep my still bad
bottom teeth in line, M turned around and i secured the script
the we went to get it filled and get me a couple of teas
arizona raspberry iced teas, two of them
then we ran some errands and i told M that i was looking at
speaking with a lisp once the machinery was put in
while i was wearing it. i could take it out to do podcasts
which i plan to do, along with all the other things i plan to do
i don't perform live anymore so that won't be a problem
and that is the ongoing story of the machinery for my mouth.
i'm still counting days sober, but i quit NA.
not much has changed since, long walk in the heat gone
judgemental group of people, gone
feeling of extreme isolation in meeting, gone
and i tried, i read parts at the meetings
i shared at the meetings
i even lit the candles when it was time at the meetings
spent $5 a week in the basket
had one relapse and admitted to it
collected my keytags, which is what they gave out for days sober
but the walk uphill with a hat on my head making me sweat
and the walk uphill in 104 degrees
by the time i recover from it, the meeting is over
and i'm back in the heat for the downhill long walk home
whatever it takes to deal with the whole thing,
i don't have it, so i've given it up.
i still have the books
i still have the steps
i have the exercises from rehab
i have all i need except transportation to meetings
and a sponsor, i never did get a sponsor.
that was hard because of my psychiatric problems
at least that's what the sponsor-to-be told me
so i said 'fuck it' and quit.
if i want to feel that uncomfortable,
i'll buy a dress and go back to the mormons.
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[15 Jul 2009|10:05pm] |
Never did get my scheduled exercise in - although I tried but the heat or doing to much yesterday had me wiped out. I finally went for a walk about 8:45 for a half an hourand got my minimum AP for the day (WeightWatchers activity point). I helped that I got up and ate a banana and some popcorn at 8:30. My blood sugar was really low. I ate well today - no binging.
Tomorrow is tutoring in the AM and swimming lessons for the boys in the PM.
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| Writer's Block: Dream Vacations |
[15 Jul 2009|09:32pm] |
Well, if I had an endless supply of money, I would like to take a cruise around the world. I would also LOVE to go to Japan, Australia, Italy, and Greece.
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| Atlanta Vice: Drug Addiction, Drug Dealing, Big Business in Atlanta |
[15 Jul 2009|09:07pm] |
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When asked what city would be considered the hub of illegal drug distribution for the Eastern Seaboard, the answer may surprise you. Many say Miami, others may say Baltimore, both large shipping ports. However, the answer is surprising. A story investigated by WSB News, in Atlanta, reveals that while Miami may have been the main drug distribution point in the 80’s, the new distribution center for the eastern seaboard is Atlanta, Georgia. “It may surprise many people that Atlanta is the new drug capital,” comments Mary Rieser, Executive Director of Narconon Drug Rehab, Atlanta Recovery Center. “However, those dealing with drug rehab and drug addiction have seen a shift from supply areas. Atlanta is the hub for the East Coast, unfortunately.” The director of Atlanta’s High Intensity Drug Trafficking Area, Jack Killoran, agrees. “We are the source of supply for Miami. We’re no longer a consumer area. We are, literally, a supply area…Drug dealing in Atlanta is big business.” For the full story http://news.yourfindit.com/NewsStory.aspx?id=82562&ret
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| Prescription Medications Shared by One-Third of Americans |
[15 Jul 2009|01:45pm] |
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Prescription drugs are dispensed by doctors for specific ailments, and in most cases the patient has to follow specific guidelines to prevent ill effects. What happens when a friend asks for some of that pain reliever that is left over? “Studies show that 34% of Americans share their prescription medications,” comments Mary Rieser, Atlanta Recovery Center Drug Rehab. “This is often without regard for side effects or mixing these drugs with others that can be fatal.” Americans frequently share prescription medications, according to a survey of a convenience sample of 700 people in 10 cities across the United States. Thirty-four percent of the respondents reported sharing prescription medications in the past year, either by loaning their medications to someone else (7%), borrowing medications from someone else (11%), or both (16%). For the full story http://news.yourfindit.com/NewsStory.aspx?id=78202&ret
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[15 Jul 2009|12:45pm] |
pupcake died this morning.
last night when i got home from adventures with danni my mom told me she wasn't doing well and to come upstairs. she was non-responsive. shallow breathing. at one point my mom lifted her head and it just fell. no energy in her body and i could feel her spine and how her tail had straightened. after awhile she was able to move. she kept edging to the end of the bed and at one point she managed to get down. we didn't know what she wanted, but now i realize it was probably water as she'd spent hours earlier puking by my mom's account, and god i hope that's not it but either way, she is dead and that can't be changed. i knew she wouldn't make it through the night, could sense her dying before my very eyes. wanted her too, hoped, but said my goodbyes anyway, stroking her head and holding her paws until i fell asleep. tell her i love her and it's going to be alright. you lived a good life.
the morning scene was almost as hard as waking up with her still warm body curled into mine. my mother cradling her in her arms, pupcake already stiffening with rigor mortis. my mother's wild eyes telling me she'd been alive half an hour ago, the last time she checked. my mother's eyes crying she should've taken her to the vet, she should've done this or that when the truth is pupcake was an old dog, had been sick for months now and we had no way of knowing, could not speak her language. my mother in the kitchen doorway sitting rocking and weeping over what remained of our 6th family member who had been her companion for all the years kate and i went missing. she will feel that empty spot in the bed, hear the silence which once had breath. my sister shooting out of bed, already tears in her eyes elevating her voice. she couldn't look, didn't want to see, but she did, and i'm sure the image will stay with her and haunt her to see such life as a shell.
it still is not entirely real to me. she has brought more joy to me and my family in the past 15 years than any other one thing and will be missed and mourned. i feel wounded as though her death extended in-part to me. she is dearer to me than majority of the humyn beings i've encountered in my life and how do we deal with the silence? the house feels empty, abandoned, like wood on a frame. my hands are dry and closing upon themselves instead of spreading out into her fur.
fuck.
to know i can't remove this aching.
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| Dangerous Ground |
[15 Jul 2009|09:48am] |
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So, I mentioned the concept of talking to this man that is technically married. That started at the end of June and concluded Sunday. We had talked and texted for a few weeks and it got pretty hot and heavy. Then his wife found out. Apparently he’d been lying to me the entire time, telling me that he moved out and left her..so on so forth. Thank god he never went through our plan of meeting up. About 12 years ago I was involved with a man with a similar situation. We had been dating for a while and got engaged. Then I found out that he was still married to this woman who he had an 8 year old boy with and a little girl on the way. I was 50 times more gullible then than I am now and I believed his stories of not having anything to do with her…blah, blah, blah. We stayed together for a little while longer and then he became very abusive. Obviously I ended that relationship. But that experience should have taught me something. It’s so hard to trust people sometimes. That relationship made me not trust anyone for a long time and it look years to get over it. The bottom line is, I can’t control what others do (much to my dismay) so I can’t really sit and worry if someone is telling the truth all the time. It’ll make one crazy.
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| Too many pills |
[15 Jul 2009|08:28am] |
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ok, so this is a look into how stupid I really am, but oh well: Got home from the pool last night at 8:30. Took a darvocet. Watched tv and journaled for a bit. Then at about 10:30 I started reading book 4 of the Sookie Stackhouse series. Took a darvocet. About midnight I started feeling WAY funny and WAY tired. Turned the light off to make the room stop pulsating. Then it hits me, hey stupid, you took too many pills. So then I’m laying in bed freaking out, taking my pulse which was only 46. My resting heart rate is 83. I was thinking, great, because I’m stupid I’m gonna lay here and die. Next thing I know I was waking up and it was 8:30 this morning. I’m not going to do that again.
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[15 Jul 2009|08:00am] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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Mazzy Star - Fade Into You |
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Yesterday I didn't do a whole lot. I worked from 6-10am. I went home early because I didn't feel good at all. After that I slept most of the day. That's all I really did yesterday was sleep. I did watch a few episodes of Heroes from season 1. I decided to re watch the first two seasons so I could watch the third season. Other than Heroes watching I had a bit of thinking that tends to bring me down come up. I don't think I'm alone in wondering what the whole point of life is. I came to a conclusion that what really matters in life are people. The material things that we put subjective value in are great but people, at least to me, are what matter the most because we are all going through this thing called life, granted we are taking different paths and are in different locations, but are experiencing many of the same things. It just makes me feel not so alone in this world when I do feel alone. I think my bad mood stems from years of self pity. So I am going to have to remind me that I am not alone in this world and believe it. Then I don't think that self pity will be an issue anymore. In the past self pity wasn't an issue because I didn't care that I was full of self pity when I was drinking. I tried to use it to get pity from people. It worked sometimes and sometimes it didn't but that is how I used to be. I acted and thought a lot of ways to manipulate and control people into making myself feel better. All I got out of those thoughts and actions was solitude and lose of people close to me. So sobriety was the best thing that could happen to me. To sum up what I was before sobriety was self centered, self serving, dishonest, and manipulative. Everyday leads to new experiences in living a life that is opposite of that. The old feelings still come back and I deal with it. The more I deal with it in a healthy way the better I'll be able to handle those feelings. I am far from perfect and sometimes I spend too much time down and in self pity. Progress is what I'm seeking, not perfection.
And with that I'm spent.
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[15 Jul 2009|07:42am] |
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mood |
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 grateful |
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music |
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The Doors - Touch Me |
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( Gratitude list )
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[15 Jul 2009|07:50am] |
Didn't get my lazy butt out of bed to exercise this AM. Tried to do it later and the dog and children wouldn't cooperate. So I'll try yet again in a few hours. Nothing really inspires me at the moment so I'll have to dig up some motivation from inside somewhere, or maybe with a movie on Netflix and I'll step.
I am going over to the school this morning to do pics. I have to drag along my 10 year-old because it and the errand to Whole Foods. I am out of hemp!
Oh, excitement! I lost a pound. The plateau is officially broken! After all this insane exercising and diet watching it's about time. But no time to rest on my laurels. Got to keep it together today.
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| Meme |
[15 Jul 2009|05:00pm] |
Stole this meme from ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) davario: "Ten self-expressive pics from your harddrive."
Rules (I don't know if these are official meme rules or if they were invented by Mr. davario but whatever, they are good ones.)
* No captions.
* No googlin or flickr! They have to have been saved to your folders sometime in the past, something you've saved there because it resonated with you for some reason.
* You do NOT have to answer any questions about any of your pictures if you don't want to.
( 9 more... )
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| I Am Too Old |
[15 Jul 2009|01:48am] |
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I'm too old to understand the cultural zeitgeist that motivates the young to do the things that they do. This is not going to be a long entry. I wrote the previous sentence because I don't understand what impels teenaged cashiers to snatch money from my hand at a cash register or for people I'm not talking to kickban me from chatrooms with a frequency which before now I have never experienced and which I therefore assume must be a habit of the young. I don't like the world anymore.
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[15 Jul 2009|01:24am] |
Fucking Foxnews ...
So one of there articles "below the fold" as it were (not one of there main 3-4 articles) had the headline "12 Tortured Bodies Found in Mexico Are Intel Officials"
I was shocked. I thought "How could 12 people from Intel be murdered in mexico and this not be a major story" but of course.. you click on the link and the inside headline reads:
"12 Tortured Bodies Found in Drug War Hotbed Identified as Mexican Federal Agents"
Not officials from Intel corp which is what the initial headline led you to believe....
I mean come on.....
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| talking stuff out is good |
[14 Jul 2009|09:08pm] |
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Ok, yeah. I usually come up w/ better titles, but I'm tired, so this is the best I can do. I talked to Lisa today. She's going thru a breakup, and that always sucks. Breakups are never fun. She asked me about my going to meetings, and asked if she and I were ok, like if we could still hang out and stuff. I said of ocurse. I just needed some extra support since my grandma died. And my not drinking has nothing to do w/ the ppl I hang out with. I don't care if they drink b/c they're social drinkers. I just can't drink, especially when I'm depressed. I think it's cool that Lisa and I can talk stuff out. I really like that. I told her I'd definitely come visit if I had the money and wasn't bogged down w/ school right now. Speaking of school, I should get back to homework. Just wanted to write a quick update.
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