"FROM DARKNESS TO LIGHT"

Clean and Sober Is Sexy

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 00:48:42 GMT

Clean and sober is certainly more sexy than using or drinking or even practicing enabling or other codependent behaviour.

sexycleansober

Crossposted to bigbookspirit, clean_n_sober, sober_freaks, zen_recovery, acoa, ala_not, alanon

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 05:03:59 GMT

Ia m very angry at a lot of things. I am having a lot of nightmares and flashbacks from past sexual abuse that happened to me when I was a young girl. I went to go see my Dr yesterday and I freak out at him. He had to give me a pap test. It is a new Dr that I have. And it was the first time he did that test on me. He give me surgery but never had to give me a pap test yet.
I called to get some counseling on the abuse at the Ottawa sexual assault center. I know I have to deal with it but I am scared too. I am scared to start dealing with this because I think I will go out and drink but that would be useless it will not help at and I know that.
I went to go see my social worker today and we got to talk about a lot of stuff.
I am feeling really depression and I really do not know what to do about this depression.
I had to go too the hospital today because I am having a lot of pain on my right side in my belly they are thinking it is two things one is the start of appendicitis and the second thing could be the cyst on that side. I get anger because my dads yells at me and tells me I do not need to go to the hospital. And I go the hospital he tells me that if I need surgery he and my mother is not cancel there vacation. That really hurt me a lot. And my boyfriend is fed up of me getting sick all the time. I told him I am fed up too. I just want things to stop now. I want to stop getting sick it is enough now.
Cynthia
Comments are welcome
Thank-you

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 22:08:55 GMT

Gary thinks I have been lying to him about things I have not been lying I keep on telling him that but he does not believe me at all. I do not know what to do because he told me that he does not want see us moving in together, when he moves. I feel like I do not know if I am coming or going because last week he told me he wanted me to move in with him. Now he is telling me not. I am very scared I want us to go for couple counselling but Gary tells me that it is my fault and I am the one that is fucking up all the time. I have not fuck up in a month or so. He tells me that I am too much work for him. I feel like he does not give me credit for doing the right thing. I am doing my best and it feels like he does not think it is enough. I am very anger because I feel that he thinks he is perfect and that is not true. I find he blames everything on me. And it takes two to fight and make a realationship work. Yes I know I have done bad things in the past and I have fuck up a lot in this realationship when it first started. I think I am doing much better. I sometimes feel that I am a bad person and I feel like I am going crazy. I love Gary too much to lose Gary over my drug problem thats why I have been trying really hard to not and go and use. I do not want to lose anyone over my drug problem.
Gary the reason why I told you that you stay home and rest because you where not feel good the day before. I was not up to anything at all.
I was also talking with Shannon last week about you always coming on my appt all the time and I wanted to give you a brake from it. I know it can get to much sometimes. And that is the only reason I told you that today. I was thinking of you. I know you keep telling me that I do not care for you and I am into myself too much well you are very wrong about that. Because I do care about you a lot or else I would not be with you.
I love you too much to lose you. I really want to work this out with you. You are not right all the time and you cannot not see thourth me.
I am having hard time with this I feel like my mental health is not doing well because I feel like I am all over the place. Gary said I change my mind a lot but he is the saying that we will move in together and the next week no we are not. It is confusing the fuck out of me. He said today he wants to see other people. I just do not know what to belive anymore. I am really getting depression again.
comments are welcome
Thank-you for letting me vent.

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 15:09:08 GMT

I am doing better these days. I have not fuck up. I am prond of myself. I will not fuck up anymore. I do not want to lose everyone I love. exspeically my boyfriend Gary I love him to much to lose him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I just hope he can start trusting me again. He really lose trust in me because I fucked up and lie to him.
I am really scared right now. I have not use anything for two weeks. I just hope I can keep it up. I am going to meetings they help a lot.

I am been having flashbacks and really bad nightmares. I was abused when I was a kid and a lot of it is coming up now Why is that ? Why now? When I am trying to stay clean.
My boyfriend scared the living crap out of me. When he told me if I keep doing what I was doing I would end up on the street. I think I final reached my bottle.
comments are welcome

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 09:57:13 GMT

i'm in my seventh year of sobriety. nobody cares as much as me. hmm, maybe my mom.

i work in a treatment center, i did a couple of years at a transitional residence and also worked in the drunk tank and ten day detox program.

all that has proved to me some very important things.

a reprieve from using or drinking is 100% spiritual, and cannot be taken for granted, cuz it could end at any moment, whether there is an obvious reason or not. any reprieve is a gift. an opportunity to make a start on doing whatever is necessary to rebuild yourself from the inside out.

any idea of control is a delusion, and for 99% of people , regardless of their current situation or background,there is no going back to the old days of controlled, guilt-free or safe using.

if someone does not find some kind of higher power concept that they can live with on an individual basis, they are not going to be able to deal with life, whether things are going good or bad.

recovery isnt dependant on increasing intelligence. it is dependant on utilizing knowledge that almost all people have already, but in a practical way. recovery depends on the right actions on a day by day basis.

any amount of self-satisfying and self-gratification, whether it's from money,sex or approval-seeking will do nothing to keep the obsession to use or drink away.

recovery is not possible without a connection to at least one person whose soul purpose is to help you with living sober. communication with this person must be absolutely honest and open.

true recovery is learning how to attain an increasing level of emotional balance and peace of mind.

in my job, ive watched hundreds of people get clean, get beautiful, get health back, get jobs, get relationships, all that good stuff.

i've seen so many lose it all in one night. some people die and don't get another opportunity or end up commiting horrible crimes and landing in jail. so many have everything going for them, except they let themselves think that arranging everything on the outside is going to fix all that pain inside. most of which is so deep that it is hidden from consciousness, yet just as influencing and powerful as if it just happened.

if the addict starts to think that they don't need help, that their problem has miraculously just disappeared, that they're not as bad as those other people, or that they're smarter or whatever, it means that fear of facing oneself has overcome them. no person is going to be able to convince them of the truth.

they are no longer powerless over their addiction.

they will eventually use again, and will continue to use over and over until they destroy themselves. at that precise moment that they hurt bad enough, they will let go of their control and the truth will emerge.

i am powerless.

i need help.

another opportunity/reprieve if they're lucky.

chuck

MRCNA

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 20:00:02 GMT

The recovery convention MRCNA was fabulous, I dont think I have ever gone to anything in my life that made me feel so..... so much like I belonged, like was a part of. It was like walking into my first meeting all over again. I went to probably ten different workshops that covered so much stuff I had to buy CD's of speakers just to reaffirm what it is I had heard. I related to so many people on so many levels, so much honesty, so raw. Nothing was off the table, it was very scary and comforting all at the same time, that these people shared their demons so freely. I understand that my clean time is really nothing if recovery isnt in it. I know now that Im not alone, even when it feels like so many of my friends that came in with me are either dead or using. The steps are the solution. they fellowship is the vessel. It was amazing, I will write more on it soon. Thank you NA for saving my life one day at a time.

Sat, 05 Jul 2008 06:57:31 GMT

Hi...I am new here. I have never been to a 12step program or any rehab facility. A week ago marked the one-year mark since I qut drinking, though in April I did slip and have a beer and a smirnoff...in October I decided to quit all drugs/narcotics, but I have relapsed 4 or 5 times since then already. Alcohol has been much easier to control than the pills - mostly pain killers like codeine (my favorite) and vicodin and darvocet, soma, and sometimes adderall if i felt like an upper. All I've really done is make feeble attempts to replace them with an excess of caffeine and nicotine and sex, and as everyone knows, it's just not the same.
Reading back through that it seems kinda disparate, but I don't really have the energy right now to organize my thoughts.
Anyway, lately things have been very stressful and overwhelming, and i have wanted nothing more than to get completely obliterated, so...i thought i'd drop in here and say hi.
Hi.

bah.

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 04:44:50 GMT

Tonight is 9 months sober.

I don't know how I'm doing it. I rarely go to AA meetings anymore. I don't have a sponsor. I'm not actively doing any steps.I haven't replaced it with any substitute drug-(I am on paxil, but it was prescribed, and I didn't ask for it, they recommended it to me.)

The liver is now healed, so that isn't stopping me.

I think it's paranoia, partly absorbing shit through AA meetings, and partly my own history.

I know I could probably start drinking now, and it would be all good times. But eventually it would get bad again, and in the past I've never stopped before it got bad.

I think the #1 thing that is keeping me sober is that I think I am always going to fail as long as I drink. I need to give sobriety a good long shot, at least a year or two.

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 01:59:39 GMT

I am doing very good. I will most likely go and get help from the in treatment. For three weeks. Gary and i are doing better seen I am not fucking up. I am very grateful that he has stayed with me even I did what I did to him. Thank-you Gary

I also have a new sponser and we are doing well together. I am also reading more the books of A.A. and N.A.
Thank-you for this week lord it has been A I really good week.
comments are welcome

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 20:04:44 GMT

Hi, I'm Dana, and I'm doing a research paper for my English class on my "favorite" disease, and I chose alcoholism (unofficial thesis: what makes the transition from being someone who just drinks [like just on the weekends or for special occasions, for example] to being an alcoholic). If you wouldn't mind helping out by giving me some information about yourself (age of first drink [and why did you want it], what do you think was your transition, did/do you have any reason to drink, etc.) or your relative/friend (can't think of any specific information) that would be awesome and I'd thank you so much =] If you have any questions for me, please ask.

I have read the rules and have not seen anything saying that something like this could not be posted, but if this is against the rules, please let me know and I will take it down.

Also, I know how mean some people are on LJ (not saying any of you are), so please, if you are going to attack me... just don't. I'm just trying to get some information first hand. Thanks!

x-posted to al_anon, clean_n_sober, sobriety, and homework_help.

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 23:44:48 GMT

Just want to brag a little because I can't share this with my parents :(

I'm celebrating 9 months today!

Methadone

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 19:39:33 GMT

I have been struggling with my addiction since I was 14 years old. I have been in and out of detox, rehab, hospitals, you name it. After my last relapse I decided to get on methadone instead of doing the same things that I always do. This was a last resort for me. I have been on methadone for about three weeks now and I havent used since I have been on it. I think that this was a good step for me. I know a lot of people are against methadone, but its keeping me off the street, and living a much more safe life. I guess you can say its harm-reduction. I was really heading twards death, I was homelss and selling my body. I have been through a lot and I dont know how I survived it. I am very pleased with the methadone. It doesnt get me high, just so you know. I wanted to find other recovering addicts that are methadone-friendly and can help support me. I really want to stay clean and live a good life.

Tomorrow

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 15:09:54 GMT

Tomorrow I'll have 21 years. I cannot believe it. When I first got sober I wanted all of this stuff, like a husband, kids, a home. I got none of it. What I did get was sober and for a long time I was very resentful that I'd been good, I'd stayed sober, yet no romantic relationships for me. Was God trying to tell me that I am supposed to be alone forever?

Then a few weeks ago I was at a meeting and I heard a woman share that she was getting divorced. She said she met her husband in AA, they dated, got married, had children and bought a home. Despite that she was very unhappy, so she called a friend who told her that she was unhappy because we alcoholics have a spiritual illness, that no material things can ever make us happy. Then it hit me, that's why I felt good when I spoke in prisons, or detoxes, or when I used to feed and diaper infants who were HIV+ and born addicted to drugs, infants nobody wanted.

I have to tell myself every day that material things are nice but ultimately they won't, they can't make me happy.

Share a little tea with Goldie

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 02:15:31 GMT

I've got 34 years of sobriety today. How has it been? I've been hot and cranky lately, started a 12-step program for problems around money this year, and last summer become the "mother" of a ten-year-old, at age 53. It's been tough. I have no talent for mothering, but her grandpa and I are all she's got. I'm trying to accept that it's my duty and find pleasure in it and her. I am loved. She just handed me a letter: "Dear Grandma, Happy 34 years of soberyty! I love you so much and also crongradulations. Thank you for being my mommy and I Love You so much." She lives with us courtesy of her alcoholic, relapse-prone mother, my stepdaughter.

I will say that one day at at a time I did stay clean and sober (well, sometimes only "dry"), that there are ups and downs, and I look back at the time and try not to be too hard on myself for what I didn't accomplish. The last few weeks have been hellish, and in retrospect I see that it was "PMS," or "pre-medallion syndrome." (I also buried my brother last week).

As someone who got sober really young, here are some tips I can offer (unasked-for, I know, which is why they're behind a LJ cut):

The hardest part is giving up your friends you used to hang with. I know, I know, they're your best buds, but they will get you drunk or high. Maybe not directly, but the whole milieu will. Believe it or not, you will find better, truer friends who are clean, sober, and actually hip (or whatever the current terminology is).

Try to resist the Drew Barrymore syndrome. That's the attitude of "I got sober too young; maybe it was all a phase, look at all this fun I'm missing." If you've hit a bottom, believe in it, and know that it could be lower. High bottoms have trap doors.

About every other year I have a using dream. Last time, it was me holding a crystal lowball filled with some fancy booze--Glenfiddich or something--that found its way into my hand, and thence into my mouth. The remorse was unbelievable, and as in all my using dreams, I "remember" other using times (previous dreams I'd had) and kick myself hard, that my sobriety wasn't real. What's key is the overwhelming relief upon awakening, that it is real, and how precious it is. My brother died a man who'd wasted so many talents, intelligence and money. and died alone, broke, and un-mourned.

In contrast, my partner and I went to a funeral of a friend up north, who'd been a beloved pillar of AA, and the church was packed, and the ushers even set up folding chairs in the rear. (I can't imagine filling a church with mourners, if it had been me who died).

Well, sorry to ramble. (One does at my age!). Keep coming back and you too will become old and tiresome!

QUESTIONS: (recommendations)

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 15:02:08 GMT

Hello:

I quit therapy about 2 months ago... It just wasn't working out with him- i didn't like his methods of therapy... we weren't on the same page... but i KNOW i NEED therapy, desperately... but I don't trust people... especially since I've been in and out of therapy since I was 11 years old and MOST cannot handle the things I say and I end up inpatient...I need someone I can be completely honest with, but also someone I can trust with that honesty. I need someone who is very open, very understand, knows the difference between Self Harm and suicide, preferably an addiction specialist or has some experience in this field (although not necessary) I am in the new york city/long island area... I have a car so its not a problem... Price isn't really an object, I mean I don't want someone insane... but I'll work it out, my parent's will help me when it comes to therapy. Thank you so much in advance! All recommendations are greatly appreciated!

xoxo
CrystaL

...i'm just falling to pieces...

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 15:05:06 GMT

I'm going in for pre surgery today... Tomorrow is the "Big Day"... I'm scared :\ I'm scared of everything from the pain to the pain medication. They're putting me on phentanol and oxy's for the pain and I haven't done heroin since August 25, 2007. I know this isn't the same thing, I know this is something I need, I know its prescribed to me for the correct reasons, but I am still scared! Please just send positive energy my way, keep me in your thoughts and or prayers, whatever works for you... I need all the help I can get. Thank you.

xoxo
CrystaL

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 06:04:00 GMT

I had a slip last week. I am having a hard time with this I am beating myself up because of that slip. I sliped after having a year. I am very disappointed in myself. I am trying not to beat myself up about this but it is very hard not too. I have a good sponser now. We talk almost every day. I spoke with my social worker today she said she has faith in me. And I am really strong and can get throught this. She is not upset with me I expected that she would be upset with because she saw me get my one year chip. And saw how hard I worked for it. I guess I really didn't accepted that I am addict. And my life is truly unmanageable. I am super scared. I do not want to have a slip again. I really need to work on the steps and take life one day at a time.

My boyfriend is really upset with me, because of my slip. I do not blame him for being upset with me. I find he is sometimes gets too mad for no reason and takes it out on me. I just wish things would be better for both of us. He is not doing well either every time he comes back in the apartment he gets hives all over his body. Highly allergy to the carpet. What gets me mad about Gary is that he thinks he is the only one doing work around the house but that is not true at all. I feel when I do the work around the house it is not recognized by Gary. He said I didn't do anything around the house. It really hurts me a lot.

I find I get too anger too fast. I really do not know how to handle my anger. I thing I need anger management. I would like to have peace and serenity in my life. I would like Gary and I to work out. and work things out.
I really have to stop screwing things up in my life.
Comments are welcome.

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 19:07:44 GMT

I had an amazing weekend... 100% drug free

i cant believe it was possible

crystaL
xoxo

Recovered Bulimics/Addicts

Thu, 29 May 2008 02:00:22 GMT

Is there such a thing as a recovered addict who doesn't engage in addictive behavior at all? Can you stop drinking without resorting to food or cigarette smoking or shopping or gambling or sex?

From where I stand, I am an alcoholic and a bulimic, and it seems that everyone I have met has only been able to switch addictions the way I do. Stop drinking, start eating. Stop eating, start smoking. And so on.

I don't know that I've ever met a recovered bulimic who wasn't fat. Or a recovered alcoholic who hasn't picked up something else.

That's probably a horrible thing to say, but from where I stand, it's true. It's just so frustrating & upsetting to try to recover when it seems like there is no hope.

It's probably just my eating disorder talking & maybe part of being recovered is being able to accept being overweight, but it seems to me that the few people that I have seen who are in recovery just aren't fully recovered. They just stopped purging and now they either eat or get drunk.

Is there no hope? Is there no one to look up to? No real life role models who can say, "I did it & so can you!"

If they are out there, maybe they just leave the recovery circles and never look back. I can't say I blame them.

Thanks for listening.

Wed, 21 May 2008 02:10:38 GMT

I haven't been to that many meetings so perhaps I just haven't encountered this yet, but is there anyone who says "My name is [x], and I have a desire to stop drinking?" So far everyone has identified themselves as an alcoholic...I don't think that I'm an alcoholic - I think I have the opposite problem actually, in that my body seems to be physically intolerant to alcohol (I get sleepy and nauseous easily)...However, I am psychologically "addicted" to it, which is why I keep drinking - so in that sense I am possibly "powerless" over alcohol. I just don't know how I'm supposed to identify myself at meetings. Maybe I'm just too self-conscious about how people will perceive me, and it's something that I need to get over. Also, I think I'm afraid to tell my story because I fear that people will not take me seriously...I have a lot of "yets" - I haven't gotten trouble with the law, or suffered serious health complications...My story is basically that I'm addicted to the fantasy/myth of the alcoholic writer/tortured artist, and it is fucking with my mind. I'm mentally and emotionally all over the place, and my life is unmanageable...It became unmanageable long before I drank to escape/turn off my self-consciousness so that I could actually be "functional," and my academic performance has gone more and more downhill with each passing quarter in school. I tried not to drink for 10 days and was grateful for the moments of validation of my sober existence that I did manage to experience, but at some point the obsession started again and I just had to turn off my overthinking so I could write my thesis. But I don't know that that was working quite so well either, so I want to give quitting another try.

Thanks for your input.

Sabotage

Sun, 18 May 2008 04:15:51 GMT

How to sabotage our recovery -

"Despite our admission of personal powerlessness...many of us continue to rebel at the fact that we are unable to effect recovery by our own efforts.... This is when we come face-to-face with the fact that what we do have is the power to continue to make ourselves miserable. And here's the way we do it:
*Seeing ourselves as victims of outrageous fortune.
*Feeling we've fallen prey to Murphy's Law: 'If anything can possibly go wrong-- it will.'
*Doing unto others before they do unto us, because we know they're out to get us.
*Denying that any power could be greater than ourselves.
*Living for ourselves alone, because no one else is interested in our well-being.
*Keeping a distance between ourselves and others so they won't find our vulnerable points.
*Taking an inventory of the failings of others, and pointing out their deficiencies to them.
*Refusing help to people, because if we 'give them an inch, they'll take a mile.'
*Dwelling on the iniquities that bestow money and power on those far less deserving than we.
*Feeling sorry for ourselves."

(Adapted from Muriel Zink's "Step by Step, Daily Meditations for Living the Twelve Steps.")

This seemed to me to be such a good summary of how we sabotage ourselves that I wanted to share it here.

Sat, 17 May 2008 23:55:46 GMT

Which websites does you recommend for online meetings?

Wed, 14 May 2008 22:13:53 GMT

hey guys hows it going? its been a loooong time since ive posted on LJ. i just want everyone to know im STILL clean & sober!! 29 months this month as a matter of fact! i hope everyone is still on their own journey towards a drug & alcohol free life!
Blessed Be
Victoria

I need opinions!!!!!!!!

Tue, 13 May 2008 22:44:17 GMT

Is it possible to "back up" in a relationship or rather the relationship evolve into less of a need for each other? The situation is a guy and a girl who have spent most of the past year together. One is in love, the other is not. Both care about each other. The relationship needs to change. Long term outlook here is friends only but is it possible to date other people without the relationship ending completely?

Also marijuana addiction is what keeps both tied together.

Mon, 12 May 2008 18:12:43 GMT

What are some tools/tricks you use for combating impatience and restlessness? I find that these two things in particular are huge threats to my emotional sobriety.