If this is inappropriate please delete...I just needed a place to unload where people are able to relate

Can I just express how eternally frustrated by the act of being clean I am?

More than ever its feeling like a forced chore to me and I dont know why.

I realize now I never even wanted any part of recovery even the last time I went through treatment and maybe this is why I refuse to go to any sort of NA or drug counsilling.

This was forced on me. I just got into a huge argument with my mom (I live in the basement suite of my parents place beacuse I was saving up for rent having just graduated film school) because I told her about a shit load of oxycontin among other things and I confessed to having been loading up on them all of last year (which she didnt know and if she did she turned a blind eye) and she pretty much hit the roof...which in a way I expected it but at the same time not so much.

She went on about how selfish I was to have been throwing away all my hard work by taking fist fulls of pills. She asked me if the pills were all I had done...and I sheepishly admitted that no, I had used heroin a handful of times last year as well and just barely got lucky enough to not continue doing it.

She walked out of the room after that one.

To this day she does not understand that I got clean for OTHER people.

I have never once in my life gotten clean for myself...its always been because somoene has said to me

"You have to get your act together" "You cant keep doing this to yourself" "You need to let us help you" blah blah fucking blah.

Never once have I kicked because I wanted to.

NOT EVER.

Sure maybe deep down I want to finally be rid of it and of course I want to be healthy for my son who will be born in less than two months (too be clear I haven't used anything since I found out I was pregnant)

Its awful hard to do though with that monkey on your back.

while I proclaim to be sick of having this shit control me time and time again, I dont think I am really...and thats dangerous.

This is an uphill climb and I am constantly taking one step forward and two steps back

I dont know why this feeling has gotten so much worse lately.

I really would like to know though.

More so I want to know how you want to be clean because as I said...I dont think I've ever really wanted any part of this and its like I'm stuck in this place and I can't breath and its frustrating because I want to want to say clean but something is not letting me want it.

I just want that numbness I want to not fucking care any more...I'm so tired of fucking caring...its exhausting.