Crossroads

Make it stop...
Directed by: Tamra Davis
Written by: Shonda Rhimes

Starring
Britney Spears: Lucy Wagner
Anson Mount: Ben
Zoe Saldana: Kit
Taryn Manning: Mimi

All right! So I did this as a minute-by-minute review. My thoughts as I sat and watched this dreck. Typed up and spell checked and presented for you, untouched and pure.

Movie rated PG-13 for "sexual content and brief teen drinking". It gives me hope that Britney will go on a bender and get nekkid. No. She won't.

OMG Kool Mo Dee is in this! Kim Catrrall and Dan Aykroyd too? STAR STUDDED FILM!

Pre-breast job Britney listening to Madonna and dancing to her in her underwear. Oh the irony. Britney is really good at lip synching. I wonder why.

Wait, ok, Aykroyd is her dad and mentions that Brit is the valedictorian? Well this isn't a biopic. Oh wait she's also a virgin? They can do amazing things with fiction these days.

Five minutes in and already my head hurts.

Her prom dress matches her bed spread! Now that's white trashclass.

All right, Brit is whining to her dad that she never did anything, never went to a party or stayed out late just sat and studied and now she feels her life sucks and is hopeless and wretched. So really, the answer is to play Vegas wearing a bikini! Wait...

12 minutes in. Brit teases her male friend and deices to not fuck him after all. He laughs and shrugs it off. In reality they'd be in Vegas by now getting hitched.

Oh wait! Plot! So Brit and her two best friends buried a box when they were kids and promised to dig it up when they graduated high school. Which is now. Except they don't really like each other any more.

But!

Reunited the will dig up a box buried all of half an inch under dirt. Anyway they fight over the preggers one going to California alone to audition for a record label (no, I am serious) and then make up over a picture of themselves as kids. So now? I'm thinking they're all going on a road trip!

HOLD THE FUCK UP! Britney's character is named Lucy. But people call her LOOSE. I mean... don't they... without laughing...

Maybe they'll get to California and become Jem and the Holograms.

Minute 20 and 8 seconds and we're off on the road trip!

Minute 20 and 25 seconds and we've stopped for gas. Oh, they're good.

HAHAHAHHA so they're in this car with this guy driving and he's listening to metal and they beg to change the music and switch it to a Backstreet Boys song and he winces and changes it back really fast.

For the record I had to go down to the local bar and get a few drinks before watching this.

"I'll get my owwwwnnnn chips." says the preggers friend who looks like a cross between Helena Bonam-Carter and Margot Kidding. Or Helena Bonam-Kidder we she is now known.

Interesting thing. Dan Aykroyd plays Brit's father in this. John Goodman played the father in Coyote Ugly. Connection? No. But there you go.

Minute 29: Car trouble. Hot driver guy (who they think killed a man but we all know he couldn't have because he's too hot and nice) grabs the radiator cap with his bare hand. Why would anyone do that? you see a bit of metal with motherfucking steam erupting from it you assume it is too hot to grab with your flesh.

Friend breakup number one. However will they reconcile?

So they'll end up in New Orleans and go in a karaoke contest to raise the money to fix their car and probably re-become best friends along the way.

They're gonna karaoke I like Rocky Road? Oh wait no, I Like Rock and Roll, fucking purists!

Britney on the pole! Who does she think she is, Jessica Simpson?

44 minutes in and we've reached the late night, post-crazy confessional scene. So her preggers friend admits she only drank once at a party and that's how she got knocked up. Are you listening kids? Drinking will get you fucked up the ass and preggers like a cheap whore! All drunken women are cheap drunken whores who get raped and hide it! Or, you know, whatever.

Britney! Don't close your eyes to hit a note in a song and turn your head when you're driving you kooky dame!

Hmm looking at the speed of the car against the side of the road they're going maybe 15 mph. Miss Daisy would be getting impatient.

So the guy they're with is now throwing a hissy fit cause he's surrounded by girls and all he has is his car and he doesn't want them to drive cause then it too will be taken over by "chicks". Like his cock. Which is gone. Eaten by chicks. Baby chickens, I mean. His whole cock. Jesus fuck he's a whiny little baby.

53 minutes in!

I've become numb in the brain. So get this, kids. Brit writes "poems" in her dream book diary thing and she gets asked to read one. "I'm not a girl, but not yet a woman."

Now Britney will go see her mom who she's never seen in years. Her mom? Kim Cattrall. Fitting. EXCEPT! Kim fucking Aykroyd? Never happen. Anyway... so she's all about she won't go to the audition in California but I bet her mom will shove her off and she'll go and be a big hit.

Driving rain. Always means someone will come back into it with dripping mit goo-ness and sadness.

And there she is! At the door! At 63 minutes.

One hour and eight minutes in and we have kissing! Afterwards Brit has this smile that really looks like she has gas.

Britney wearing a Gilligan hat. Well, that fits.

So the other friend,. who is engaged, finds her finacee with another woman. He is also the man who raped her now-preggers friend. So preggers friend runs and trips down the stairs and will lose the kid I am quite sure.

MEANWHILE!

Britney is having pre-marital sex. Do you see what happens if you uncover your genitals?! DO YOU SEE?!?!?!

Yup! She lost the kid.

Now Aykroyd demands they go home. The Aykroyd-bot demands it! You must obey the Aykroyd-bot! Obey.

Huh? Sorry I think I slid into a coma. Now we're at the music audition. And they're doing "Not a girl". I always thought this was a song about a pre-op transsexual but people tell me I just don't get it.

I'm not a girl. Not yet a woman. Totally pre-op.

Anyway. I think somehow it's over. The plot didn't wrap: Bad things happened to good people so Brit could sing. I mean how is that cool?