Hello kiddies. This issue I'm bringing to you a review of the new holo Vibro. Yes, I know it sounds like a bad holoporn title, but it's actually a second rate horror flick that takes place in the underbelly of the seedy Coruscant night. Oooo, spooky.


The story here is that there is a killer on the loose and he kills people with his trusty vibroblade and cuts them up and so on. It's just like every other horror holo released in the past couple years that features a serial killer. One weapon, lots of different ways to die with it, stupid punchlines, you already know who the killer is when you start watching the holo full of little teenage squealy beings. It's that kind of flick.

The flashy effects and crazy lighting don't do much to help the production and one of the only saving graces is the a song by the Fasting Banthas plays over the credits at the end. That song was pretty much what woke me up and led me out of the theater grumbling to myself. That was my favorite part, by the way, during the credits when that song was playing. The creators of the holo might not know how to make good pictures, but damn do they have good taste in music.

Which brings me to the rest of the soundtrack. One of the only saving graces. Music by the Fasting Banthas, Flip Out! at the Nightclub, Yaboncee, the Green Tentacled Beans and last but not least, Huttlicious. The score is quite good as well -- so the score mixed in with tracks from all those hot bands... well, you can just lay there and listen to the music and the screams of all the tweens getting the shavit kicked out of them. Beautiful.

 Readers, this reporter usually never reviews anything, especially not books, but just had to this time around because my life has been totally changed by Blackhole. In this reporter’s professional opinion it is the most amazing series ever written by anyone ever. In case you’ve been missing out on the phenomenon here’s what it’s about.

The main character is this girl who goes to live with her dad on Dantooine which is obviously depressing, or at least it is until she starts school and meets this really mysterious but totally gorgeous boy. Anyway, it turns out he’s totally an Anzati; you know, that species that sucks your brains out and lives forever? Except he and his family don’t and he’s totally romantic and they fall in love and it’s beautiful. In the next book, Nova, you find out her best friend is a Wyrwulve and he totally likes her, too, but really who cares when you have a handsome perfect romantic devoted Anzati around, right? Right. Anyway the whole series is about their love, which is totally pure and epic and romantic and amazing. It left this reporter both depressed at the lack of perfect guys in her life and optimistic about finding her own immortal, romantic, tormented Anzati lover.

The best part? They’re totally making a holofilm of it! There have been reports that Face Loran is slated to play the Anzati’s dad whose also a doctor, but there hasn’t been any confirmation on who else they’re casting. Obviously this fine publication will be working overtime to keep you informed, considering how incredibly important this is. I mean, I don’t have too much free time because I’m rereading these books for the 4th time, but what I do have will be devoted to keeping you up to date, readers.

Recently, we reported on the Gamorrean Flu and I am here today to share with you another bit of news on something related.

We have heard from numerous sources that there has been a stash of something discovered in a storage unit on Fondor. It has been reported that the items in these storage units are small vats of a liquid that has been tested and contains harmful chemicals. These chemicals, when a living being comes in contact with them, kill said being and change their bodily functions after death, causing them to possibly be reanimated.

So you guys remember that hologame Reanimateds Ate My Neighbors...? Yeah, it's kind of like that.

Anyways, where did my caf mug go? Has anyone seen it?

(NOTE FROM PHASION: We figured we here at Chrono would post this retro article as a happy memory of Jacen Solo. Since we all know what happened with him recently. Ah, the Solo family. You never leave us dry of gossip and horrible news about you and we at the holozine thank you for that.)

Hey, hey. Word on the streets -- and the hyperspace routes too, I guess -- is that Jacen Solo is really popular right now. Maybe for all the wrong reasons, or hells, maybe even for all the right. But I got a chance to sit down and interview the man himself (when Ceev wasn't stealing him and trying to pry Jedi tidbits from him -- and scolding him. Make sure you check out the letter from the editor for THAT story). Here is the resulting product, which covers everything from the Force to his love life (sorry hopefuls!) ...


So Mister Solo, how goes life in general? Enjoying traveling and working with your cousin?

Life is... demanding. The life of a... Jedi is not one of rest. It's all service and sacrifice. However, sharing the journey and having the opportunity to teach my cousin is very rewarding. He's growing into an excellent Jedi Knight in his own right.

Is he going to live up to the Skywalker name?

Most definitely. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to see him carve out his own legacy to leave behind.

Like what kind of legacy? The Luke Skywalker kind? Or the Anakin Skywalker kind?

Didn't Master Skywalker, Uncle Luke's, legacy begin with Anakin's? So I ask you how can put a distinction between the two. If Anakin Skywalker hadn't fought against longstanding traditions of the Jedi and not taken a wife... Well, we wouldn't be here today having this converstation. Don't get me wrong, Anakin Skywalker went wrong. Just not where the public believes he did. That being said, Ben will leave his own legacy. The details are unimportant at this time.

Hmmm, you present some good logic. Which brings me to the question... what do you think of all the publicity surrounding your own actions?

I understand why my actions are so controversial. I know it especially unnerves many people to see how closely some of my actions mirror those of Anakin Skywalker. However, I believe the results speak for themselves. At the expense of a few minor inconveniences to a relative handful of citizens, we've saved countless others from injury, harm, or even death. People say I'm wrong. Well, those people are alive to judge my actions specifically because I've taken those actions.

Point taken hopefully by all those people. Now, you've gotten the attention of many people. And I'm sure you have as many fans as you do critics. Have you noticed any positive attention towards you?

Oh yes. There's many people out there that appreciate what I'm doing. Several of those being members of the military and government that see immediately the positive effects of what I... we're all doing out there. However there's also several members of the general public, much like yourself, that see the direct benefits of these actions.

I'm sure more people will open their eyes soon enough. What about your close friends, what do they think about what you're doing? Do they think it's right?

Support from family and most close friends has been... reluctant at best. But those issues didn't start with the beginning of the Corellian Crisis or the activation of the G.A.G. Those roots started back to the earliest days of the Killik event.

Who were the ones who stuck by you through it all?

There were... friends... as well as some family that has stuck by me and remained close and supportive through it all. Ben is one. Mara Jade Skywalker is another.

You hesitated on friends. Family is one thing, friends who don't drop you for something like this have to be some serious... friends.

Yes. Very serious friends. And for those I'm... truly thankful.

Any names? Come on, we won't tell anyone.

It's enough to know that they're there and that I'm thankful for them. Greatly thankful. And now look at the time. I am very busy and all...

Aw come on, your fans want to know. On the subject of fans, I'm sure you and your cousin are followed by many female ones, hm?

I'm sure followed wouldn't be the correct term. I'm sure we have a fair share of female admirers out there, but Ben and I stay so busy as well as surrounded by squads of the G.A.G., we don't come into contact much with them.

So then what should we tell all your female fans? Should they have hope that one day they might be able to win you over and get your mind off of work? Or is there someone already filling that spot?

Let's just say that there is no hope. The spot is being filled in a way no one else can fill it.

Oooo, I take it you won't be telling us anything about the lucky one.

[Jacen coughed] Uh. No. No uh... no such luck there I'm afraid.

Alright, I'll move on to a totally different subject then. Your friend Tenel Ka -- we've been trying to get an interview with her lately but she's been so busy. You have any idea about the baby daddy?

[He coughed again and I found it very suspicious this time] No. No clue. I haven't seen her much since she became Queen Mother. [More coughs] Could I have a glass of Jawa Juice?

You haven't? You haven't kept in touch with her at all? I'm sure knowing a Queen Mother would be very helpful in the long run, like, what if you needed to borrow a ship or something? And weren't you guys like best buddies in your Academy days? And what? Juice? Oh sure... lemme comm the intern, hold on. [I commed a temp to bring him some juice, because I am nice like that]

Ah... We've kept in touch somewhat. We're both really busy people. And yeah, we were close friends at the Academy and we still are. But with everything we've all been through, it feels like it was lifetimes ago. I... uh... commed her to congratulate her on the birth of her child, but that was really one of the last times we spoke. Yeah. Oh, thanks for the juice.

Anytime. Well, it's good to hear that you still keep in touch with her. Chrono sent her a basket of spice after her child was born, cause we know how hard it is to deal with a child -- you know, Ceev, and all -- but it was perfectly legal, I promise. Anyways, last question, for all the fangirls that can never have you. Boxers or briefs?

You sent wha-- I mean. That was nice. Yes. Very nice of you all. Er... uh. Boxers. Mostly. Thanks for the interview. Can I leave now?

Yeah -- oh no, wait. Our editor wanted to meet you. And I apologize in advance for anything that happens in his office. But thanks for the interview!

Oh. No problem. Wait... It's him

Ceev? Yeah, sorry man. But he's a fan of Jedi, you should have nothing to worry about.

Oh, I know about Ceev. Let's just get this over with.

Hello, hello darlings. So I'm your new Reviewer, Rhia Minara. I took over for poor Phasion, who has soooo much else to do. Of course, no one told me I would have to attend a boring book-reading by some random senator, but hey, I get to watch holofilms, holoshows, listen to music, and go to concerts, so I'll take what I can get. ;) Anyway:

So while the governments were out warring, who was sitting in front of their holo watching the new hit show Jabbering Jedi? Dear gods, I never knew the Old Jedi Order could be so catty. And sure, it's not even near accurate, but who cares when they want something INTERESTING to watch.

The characters are so much fun, first off. We have our fabulous foursome: Lina, Kerya, Britna, and Tory, who have been friends forever, and all go to the Jedi Academy on Coruscant. Now, they used to have another friend there with them, who was Lina's best friend, Malsia, but she was whisked away to another Jedi Academy after her Master was killed tragically. No one really knows why Malsia was shipped off...but everyone assumed emotional stress or something.

But the truth was, as we found out last week, Malsia was totally getting it on with Trente, a fellow Jedi Padawan, which is sooo against the Jedi Order. Oh man, I was shocked. And even more shocked to find out that they wrote to each other all the time, even when Trente started to hang out with Lina and her friends more, making Lina like him too! At the end of the episode this week, Malsia walked in to the cafeteria just as Trente and the girls sat down.

Cue tension. Trente turns around, grins, stands to greet Malsia. Lina about loses it. Freeze, end episode. I stared at the holo forever, trying to will it back on. So many questions! Who is Jabbering Jedi? What is Lina going to do? If Trente and Malsia get back together, won't the Jedi Order just kick her out again? WHY WASN'T THE JEDI ORDER REALLY LIKE THIS? Why isn't it now?! Are they really like it and just hiding it from us? Those jerks!

Oh I can't WAIT for the next one. Seriously, if you guys aren't watching Jabbering Jedi, you're DEAD TO ME. And as every note from the Jabbering Jedi says:

You know you love me! ♥

Ok, galaxy, can we take a break for 2 whole seconds from being dramatic over the death of admittedly hot Jedi turned political leader Jacen Solo to focus on the more important issue at hand? And, no, this reporter does not mean what color she should paint her nails, although that is also a pressing concern. No, the current issue is the identity of the so called “war orphan” being raised by the Solos, Amelia.

Now, obviously, this is just a convenient cover story. Come on, war orphans are starving and dirty and rude, everyone knows that. Quite the opposite of the cute, well-behaved girl this reporter was lucky enough to get a holo of leaving the Millennium Falcon with her new family.

Equally obvious is the real identity of this child. She is clearly none other than the daughter of Jaina Solo and her missing in action and presumed dead boyfriend Zekk. The girl’s dark hair makes her father obvious, and we estimate she would have been born around the time Jaina and Zekk were Joiners and “coincidentally” rarely seen by reporters. Now that the love of her life is dead, however, Jaina has clearly been unable to deal with raising a family, particularly a child that looks so much like him. In her desperation she has passed Amelia on to her parents, although considering the Solos’ track record of screwing up kids that might not have been such a good idea.

Who knows what the future holds for Amelia? Her mother is currently a recluse, and, we suspect probably suicidal given the recent death of her lover and her brother Jacen. Han and Leia seem to attract trouble so the kid is probably totally unsafe and being dragged around the galaxy in some ugly old spaceship.

We, as a reporter can do nothing to help, only sit back and watch this unfolding drama with total fascination and keep you readers up to date and aware of the truth.

Greetings my fine readers! I, Ceev Starellle, am honored to be able to introduce you to two new employees here! Well, there more of interns right now, really, but we'll make them feel amazing by introducing them as employees!

We have our new reviewer, Rhia Minara (msminara), and our new Newsboy, Dimitri Ambros (dimitridialogue). I like to call him Newsboy because it is a fun word to say. And it also makes me picture him in silly clothes running around on the street trying to sell holozines and yelling out the headlines. Oh Newsboy! Over here! I WOULD LIKE A PAPER PLEASE. What? Oh, well, their first articles should be up soon (we do have some sort of deadlines here, and I won't hesitate to make an Editor Item on this holozine about FIRING ONE OF THEM -- SO GET MOVING) and I do hope you enjoy their special brands of honesty and truth and justice that they bring to their work.

Anyways, please make them feel at home, dear readers and other members of Chrono staffage, or I will be forced to punish you. And by punishing you I mean I will use my almighty Force powers on you guys. I will.

(Now go get me some caf, interns. I'm serious. Make sure you use my special mug!)

Starting their sixth galaxy-wide tour, The Fasting Banthas have become a universe-wide phenomenon. If you haven't heard of them, you're most likely living under some crashed meteor somewhere. And I mean that in the most unbelievable way possible, seriously. Where have you been?

Falleen lead singer Kraz Lencham leads a band of humans (humanoid in the case of percussionist Yeten Graa) -- and penned the lyrics for the song, Little & Lost, which is their first single off the new set. The music holo has been in heavy rotation on such channels as MHV, among others. The new songs were released for purchase in the last standard month or so and have been steadily holding their place on the charts the whole time. The new grooves take the classic formula of Grottian rock and throw in a little bit of funk, plus some added Felucian spice for good measure. They'll be playing each one of the new songs at every concert, along with some old surprises. And this is one tour you don't want to miss. You'll be up in the aisles dancing, although I'm sure Kraz dances better than you. Just watch him while he sings. It's creepishly hypnotizing.

Oh, and if you're sitting in the section closest to the stage, look out for when they turn the gravity off. It's classic.

Check the dates below and see if The Fasting Banthas are going to be stopping by your planet on the first leg of their tour!

Coruscant; 32/6 - The Outlander Club
Coruscant; 35/6 - The Vina
Coruscant; 01/7 - The Dancing Monkey Lizard
Hapes; 04/7 - Majesty's Fool
Corellia; 06/7 - Stripes
Corellia; 04/7 - The Pride
Chandrila; 05/7 - Jez's Bar
Tatooine; 07/7 - Mos Eisley Cantina
Mon Cal; 08/7 - Bubbles

More dates coming soon!

Phasion here. Got an interview with the slicer Ghent. He's a silly, odd man with blue hair. And he's kind of... out... there. Something's up with this boy, but he's single, so ladies hit him up. He could totally use the company. PLEASE.


Okay, so we're here today with Zakarisz Ghent a highly skilled slicer and associate of Talon Karrde. So Ghent, are you still working with/for Karrde or are you doing your own thing now?

Huh? Oh, right. Um, I dunno. I mean, I mostly work for the GA and stuff, but I could still help Karrde sometime if he needed it or something.

Ah, work for the GA, which reminds me -- I heard a rumor that you were helping out ol' Luke Skywalker with his fiesty little R2 unit. Anything you can tell us about that? Or was that all top secret super hidden special information?

Oh, yeah. I forgot about that; I think it was a while ago. His R2 droid was having some problems accessing some files, and it's, you know, a really old droid. So I had to get an Intellex Four prototype omnigate to access the holos, but it was really damaged and they really wanted to see everything before I could make a copy, so it sort of melted.

Any word on what kind of stuff you came across or could've come across? Any incriminating holos? Old sappy love letters? You know the galaxy would love to see what the Grand Master Jedi kept in his R2 droid.

Umm... I think it was family stuff. With his dad or something. I dunno; I didn't really pay attention to that part.

Aw, that would've been a great scoop. Do you know how much you could make with info like that? So how have you been reacting to all this GA vs. Corellia stuff? Taking any sides? I'd imagine you'd be an important asset to the GA at this point.

Umm, I've been cracking codes and stuff like that. Nothing really exciting. I don't pay that much attention to politics.

Then have you cracked any good codes lately? I mean, you're GHENT. You have to be working on something crazy. Oh, and have I told you how much I love your hair? Because I do.

Well, there hasn't really been anything all that exciting to crack lately. It's been kind of boring. And thanks, I guess.

You're quite welcome. Okay, so tell me about the weirdest thing you ever cracked.

Ummm, I dunno. There's a lot of weird stuff out there. Umm, one time Jaina Solo asked me to dig up some dirt on Kyp Durron so she could blackmail him into something or other. There was a lot of weird stuff there. I didn't know Jedi were allowed to download so much porn.

Wait, wait. You're saying Jaina had porn or Kyp had porn? Kyp Durron would totally be a given, I mean, he's got a raunchy side after all. But Jaina? That would be classic.

Oh, I dunno. I never really though to look at any of the files on Jaina.

Maybe you should. You never know what you could find in there. Hells, we could find out that she's had more men then the three (or four, if you count Lowbacca) she's been leading around for years and years. So what other "heroes" or "celebrities" have you worked with besides the Skywalkers and Talon Karrde?

[extremely long moment of spacing out] ...Huh?

I asked what other celebrities you've worked with. I guess a better question would be -- Are you on some sort of drugs?

Oh. Mostly Jedi, I guess. And, no, not that I know of.

Not that you know of? Okay, then answer me this. How can you be all smart when it comes to slicing but when you get interviewed you get all drugged out? Were you ignored as a child or something?

Wait, what? Oh, I dunno. I mean, maybe. I don't think so. I guess I just pay more attention to computers than to other stuff or something.

Dropped on your head as a kid, maybe?

Umm, I don't think so.

Can you tell me anything remotely interesting?

Umm... can you be more specific with that? 'Cause I'm begining to suspect we might have kinda different definitions of 'interesting', you know?

[long pause] Anything. Just tell me anything.

Umm... I dunno, I mean, my life isn't really that interesting. I mean, it's mostly just slicing and stuff which I think is interesting but I don't know how much of it you would want to put in a magazine. I mean, I could be wrong about that, 'cause I don't read a lot of magazines, but I mean, maybe. Also, a lot of it is probably government stuff, and I'm not sure I'm supposed to talk about that. Or maybe just some of it. Umm, but, interesting stuff, ummm, I dunno. Most people tell, like, interesting childhood stories or something right? But I don't think I have many of those. I mean, I started working for Karrde when I was still pretty young. I had this stuffed bantha I brought with me and everything, but Mara Jade though it was stupid for a smuggler to have a stuffed animal so she took it and used it for target pratice and I never saw it again... Is that good? Was that an interesting story? Can I go now?

[long, long pause] Yeah.... yeah, we're done. You can go.

We have an art contest for you lucky readers out there! And if you win it, you could receive a guest column on Chrono! For whatever your dirty little heart desires to write about (within reason, natch)! Here are the rules.

1.) Submissions must be on the subject of "famous people" -- cause, come on, we're mostly an entertainment/gossip magazine. Your picture could be an explanation of Zekk's makeup fixation, Ben's total turn-off from the Force, Corran Horn's shortness (not there, I mean his overall shortness!) -- ANYTHING!

2.) We like funny. We like it a lot.

3.) Pictures must be no bigger than 400 x 400 pixels. We might display some in the next issue if we get some good ones!

4.) Rules of the guest column will be explained to the finalists -- but basically, you'll get to write whatever you want for the next issue if we like your image the best! So send 'em in!

Send your submissions to Phasion, with the subject line CHRONO CONTEST! -- and I'll process your messages myself and show the staff your gorgeous and insane creations. DIG IT.

Zekk: First Love
Hotness Scale Score: 9 – Tall, dark and handsome!
The Scoop: Jaina Solo’s first boyfriend; a orphaned vent crawler who grew up on the streets of Coruscant and somehow managed to become best friends with the daughter of the Chief of State. He even turned to the Dark Side to impress her, but took it a little too far and ended up attacking her. Luckily, she saved him and the two carried out a cute adolescent romance while at the Jedi Academy. She drifted away during the Vong war, he remained hopelessly devoted, and the situation pretty much hasn’t changed since then.
Yes, Please: The good stuff about this guy? He sure is committed! No need to worry about him cheating, since his world seems to revolve around the person he’s in love with. A real sweetheart, totally willing to do anything for his SO.
Eww, No: One word, clingy. This guy has been obsessed with the same girl since he was eleven. Come on! Also, he’s kind of depressed, and definitely not the type who likes to hit the town for a night of fun!

Kyp: The Older Man
Hotness Scale Score: 7 – Take a bath!
The Scoop: Quite a bit older than Jaina, this boy used to baby-sit her. He upgraded to her Jedi Master during the war and sparks flew between the two. Their relationship seems to have cooled off for now, but you can never be too sure.
Yes, Please: Come on, Jed Master? Bet he’s got a few fun Force tricks to use in bed. Plus, this guy is all about living on the edge. Look for a wild and crazy time with him around!
Eww, No: Every time you see him on the holonet, he’s, like, wiping his nose on his sleeve or scratching his hair or something! It’s just gross! Also, he blew up a planet.

Jag: Flyboy
Hotness Scale Score: 8 – Eye scars are hot, but not gross bounty hunters!
The Scoop: Showed up during the Vong war to help fight, took one look at Jaina and locked s-foils in attack position. The two spent a lot of time together when they got a break from saving the galaxy, and sometimes even during it, even ending up as wingmates. After the war he took off for the Unknown Regions, but reemerged during the Killik Conflict, this time fighting his old flame. She shot him down, but now he’s back, this time as a bounty hunter.
Yes, Please: Rich, handsome, charming gentleman, this boy’s practically perfect if you’re looking for someone to bring home to mom and dad! He’s a real prince charming, ready to come to the rescue every time.
Eww, No: Come on, who wants a guy who lets a war separate him from his girl? Also, the new look as a bounty hunter is just bad! He looked so great in the military! What happened?

Lowbacca: Grrr
Hotness Scale Score: 6, unless you happen to have a wookie fetish.
The Scoop: Another old Academy friend and the nephew of her dad’s best buddy – these two have been close for years. They were practically inseparable during the Vong war and later, and sure make a cute couple, what with the several feet of height difference!
Yes, Please: Loyal, devoted, and fun, he’s a great date and you’re as likely to end up repairing an old ship together as enjoying a romantic, tree-top supper on Kashyyyk.
Eww, No: He doesn’t speak Basic, so you’re going to need to purchase a translator droid or learn his language. Or perhaps you could communicate through hand gestures!

Hey, everybody, this is Mekla! So, Phasion is a little swamped this month (he got a cold.) and he didn’t think he was going to be able to do this section. But I said, no, the fans expect it! We can’t just leave them hanging! So, like, to make a long story short, I somehow ended up doing this issue’s review section, because I’m so nice to volunteer to help out like that! It’s pretty awesome, cause I have such good taste! Anyways, so, I was going to talk about the Galactic Holofilm Awards which are coming up and who is going to win what (that movie The Queen Mother, about the death of Teneniel Djo and how the royal Hapian family dealt with it is obviously going to get Best Holo!) and what all the stars would be wearing and who they would be taking as their date and all that really interesting stuff that people really want to know, but then Ceev said they really didn’t need me predicting anything more important than celebrity relationships and gossip and he didn’t need to deal with angry letters from the HoloFilm Maker’s Association (I don’t quite get what he meant, but whatever) so he said to review a holonovel or something instead. So I did!

Now, if you keep up with the Coruscant’s Best Sellers List, you will know that for the past few weeks, since it’s release, Vommi Binnorie and the Kaiburr Crystal, the latest installment in the Vommi Binnorie series, has pretty much been the only thing anyone in the galaxy has been reading. I hadn’t, actually, because I obviously have better things to do with my time than, like, read. But Ceev had a copy (of course) so I borrowed that and read it. And it was pretty good, so I figured I could review it.

Ok, so, like everybody knows, Vommi Binnorie is this boy who finds out he has Force potential and gets whisked off to the Jedi Academy and stuff. And he’s having a great time (I read a summery of the other books on the ‘net because I am not going to waste my life catching up on them all. Please!) and making friends and everything, but, like, this Sith Lord shows up from somewhere and, like, really wants to kill him. (I don’t know why. This book was HUGE and it was really hard to keep track of everything that was going on.)  So he spent most of the book running around trying to defeat him and stuff with his friends help. They don’t really succeed all that well, because these kids are kind of dumb. Like, they just have no clue. But anyways they have to go look for the Kaiburr Crystal so they can beat this Sith Lord (I don’t know why they couldn’t just go kill him with their lightsabers or something. I must have missed that part.) but the government is in denial (yet again, I don’t know why! If the Jedi told me some crazy Sith Lord was running around killing people, I’d totally listen to them!) and not doing anything to help. And their Jedi Master dies in the end. That was kind of depressing. But, like, he was obviously not a very good Jedi if he got killed, right? Whatever.

So, yeah, it was pretty good, for a book, and I totally recommend it and stuff, but only if you’re a teenager. Like, all these adults who are all obsessed and freaking out over these things seriously need to get a life. They’re holobooks, for stars sake! Ok, that’s really all I have to say on this matter! Phasion should be back next issue, but if he’s not, I’ll totally do this again cause it was major fun! Buh bye!

With all the buzz centering around Hapes these days, it seemed appropriate to take another look at Queen Mother Tenel Ka and her daughter, Allana. As everybody knows, the little princess’s father is totally unknown. In fact, her actual appearance is unknown, so we can’t even speculate based off of that. Rumors of every kind have been flying thick and fast since her birth, but here at Chrono, we have finally gotten to the bottom of it, thanks to some spectacular sleuthing efforts by me, Mekla Meeker, reporter-turned-detective who decided it was totally time someone figured this out!

The Facts: Five years ago, during the Killik Crisis, former Jedi Raynar Thul used the Force to call his close friends to come help him. (Why he didn’t just use a comlink is beyond me. I mean, come on, it would have been so much easier! Whatever.) Although the Queen Mother felt said summons, she somehow mysteriously “resisted” it, remaining on Hapes and making a show of supporting the GA and sending a fleet to help fight the Killiks. A year later, she gave birth to a daughter, who was promptly hidden away for “her safety”, according to Tenel Ka. She had made no announcements about choosing a consort, and no one had seen any strange men sneaking around her chambers nine months earlier.  The galaxy speculated in vain, and the mystery remained unsolved – until now.

When reviewing these facts, a few things struck me as kind of weird. Like, for one, the way Tenel Ka made such a big deal about not joining (no pun intended! Hehe!) Raynar and the Killiks and her Jedi friends. We got it, honey, you stayed on Hapes. Why do you need to keep repeating it?

Another thing that stood out was the way she has been so careful about keeping her daughter hidden. Either there is something really wrong with the girl’s appearance, or she looks an awful lot like her father. I decided that it was probably the second option cause, come on, that makes so much more sense!

I decided I needed more information before I jumped to any conclusions, so I decided to head over to Hapes to see what I could discover, aside from an abundance of gorgeous men. I infiltrated the Fountain Palace using a my daddy’s connections (It’s soooo awesome to have rich parents, you have no idea! If you don’t have them, I feel really bad for you!) And managed to speak to two of the Queen mother’s most trusted advisors.

The first one I found was her faithful handmaiden, Anhaje, who refused to comment on the situation. Refusing to be deterred, I continued my search and eventually, using my feminine wiles, was able to secure some one-on-one time with the sexy Hapian Commander Gadell Vessau. Asked who he thought Allana’s father was, he replied, “A man?” Despite this helpful quote, I was still no closer to an answer.

It was not until my flight back to Coruscant that the pieces finally came together. It was so totally obvious, actually, I was really surprised no one had figured it out before. Obviously, Tenel Ka’s story about staying as far away from Raynar Thul as possible was nothing more than a cover. I mean, why else would she make such a big deal about it, and send all those ships? Obviously, she was just trying to draw attention away from their intimate, and, understandably, politically embarrassing relationship!

And there you have it. Allana’s unknown father is not unknown at all; in fact he makes headlines almost as much as her mother. The one and only Raynar Thul. Maybe now that their relationship is out in the open, the two will finally be able to be open about their feelings for each other. And I hope they remember that they owe it all to me!

Hi, everybody, this is Mekla here to clear some things up. As you undoubtedly remember, in the last issue of Chrono, I published what I believed at the time to be a highly accurate report of the recently exposed love affair between Jedi Knights Tahiri Veila and Zekk. While the public response to said article was totally awesome, the two Jedi in question were, stunningly, less than thrilled. I put it down to shyness. But, anyways, ok, so, the thing is, I totally received letters from both of them, basically stating that I and this magazine suck and anyone who believes that the two of them are a couple is a complete idiot. (Well, they were a little more polite about it, but I believe in being truthful.) If you don’t believe me, check out this nice letter I received from the tall, dark, and oh-so-sexy Zekk!

“Hi Chrono people,

This is Zekk and I'm just writing this little message to let you guys know that there is absolutely nothing between Tahiri Veila and I. What you saw was her talking my ear off about something I don't recall, I think it had to do with the hating of the footwear or stupid people who ask for holos and autographs without saying please or something. She always rambles and it goes in one ear and out the other.

But that's not the point here, the point here is that Tahiri is a good friend and nothing more. Spunky, bouncy girls are not my type -- especially the ones who like, cut themselves and giggle about it. Just thought I'd clear that up. Now that I've stopped shuddering at the thought of her and I together, I can end this letter feeling better about myself.

Sorry to anyone who wanted to see that happen. (What are you, insane?)

Sincerly in a not so sincere way,
Zekk

P.S. I'm not mad at you guys, I just act like that to everyone. So there.”

I received a similar letter from Miss Veila, which I have elected not to reprint, because basically every time she gets worked up, which is often, it sort of switches over into this weird language – I think its Vongish or something. (Tahiri, if you’re reading this, I have a totally awesome therapist I could recommend you too! One of my friends has a friend who goes there and she says he is totally incredible, although it is really expensive, so if credits are an issue for you I suggest looking around!)

But, anyways, like I was saying, both these Jedi totally deny any romantic involvement with each other, which, if you ask me, only convinces me more that they are completely head over heels for each other, but just too shy to admit it, which is really really adorable! I had this friend who had that same problem once, but I finally just talked to the guy for her because she so obviously wasn’t going to, so it worked out great except for the part where he wasn’t interested because he turned out to be gay. Who knew? I seriously hope this is not the case with Zekk, because, lets face it, in terms of general hotness, he’s totally off the charts!

Where was I? Oh! Right! So, these two are in complete denial about their feelings for each other, which is so cute, but I like to think there’s still hope! Zekk, Tahiri, when you two read this article and realize that you both feel the same way, just remember that you owe all your happiness to me! Thank you notes would be appreciated! (Especially if they contain nude Zekk pictures!)

Love is in the air in the Jedi Order, and for once it doesn’t involve the Solo twins. Jedi Knights Tahiri Veila and Zekk were spotted enjoying a romantic dinner together at a small café this weekend. Zekk is well known to have been in an emotional on-and-off relationship with fellow Jedi Jaina Solo for some time now, whereas Veila has remained single since her failed romance with the deceased Anakin Solo over ten standard years ago. Could these two have finally gotten over the Solo children and found each other? It seems likely.

Both Jedi were involved in the now famous Jedi strike team mission during the Yuuzhan Vong War, and fought together in numerous battles afterwards. In recent years they both became Joiners in the Killik crisis. According to Jedi Knight and Healer Cilghal, who worked with both Jedi after they returned from the Killiks, it is not at all unusual for Joiners to feel much closer to each other than to other beings. It would seem that the two bonded during their recovery, and that friendship has now blossomed into a full-blown romance.

Although we have been unable to contact either Jedi to get the details on their newfound affection, it seems as though their relationship is well on its way to true love. They have been spotted together at numerous locations on Coruscant as well as the rest of the galaxy including a recent sighting on Corellia. For two beings who are well known for their aversion to the spotlight, their many public appearances together suggests that they are anything but shy about revealing their feelings for each other.

The Jedi Order is known for it’s strictness regarding romantic affairs between it’s members, although this attitude has softened in recent years, as can be seen by the marriage of many of the most prominent Jedi, including Masters Luke and Mara Skywalker and Tionne and Kam Solusar. But just how much support will there be for this young couple?

And, more importantly, just how will Jaina Solo react to the news that her former lover has moved on? That remains to be seen, although there are rumors that she has rekindled her romance with Jedi Master Kyp Durron. Could this be because of Zekk’s change of heart? Only time will tell. What is for sure, however, is that the Jedi Academy seems to be the place to go for anyone looking for true love.

Here's an old article for you all, dear readers, while we get used to this new system and get some new ones up. Ceev is confused by this whole thing and Mekla is off somewhere shopping, I'm sure. She probably doesn't even know it's been implemented yet. So of course, I'm the only one working. And it's late. HAVE AN ARTICLE. TAKE IT.

THE JEDI ROBES by Phasion Medden. We break down the outfits of the Jedi in this issue. We found this old holo of the famous Jedi Mister Mace Windu and I am here to try to figure out exactly what purpose all these things they had served. I mean, the Jedi wear robes now, sure. But they're much lighter and the outfits are less... I don't know, pouchy...? So let's get into it and see what we can figure out from this ol' shot of Master Windu.

The BROWN robe. Like I said the last issue, what's with all the BROWN and TAN? Are those the official colors of the Jedi or something? Are they all little dirt children who rise from the ground to hug trees and eradicate baddies with their mean powers of nature? Huh? Seriously. Someone get these warriors of peace some COLOR. At least I've seen a little in their wardrobe lately -- like Corran Horn and his green robes. I'll let those pass even though they're another nature-related color. At least they aren't boring on the eyes like BROWN. As for Mace, he looked good in brown, but that doesn't mean all those other Jedi did too.

Plus, did I mention those robes are HUGE? How do those help in a fight? I know they make you look all serious and angsty and things, but when you have to actually fight... what do you do with it? Some Jedi, please tell me. I really wonder about this kind of stuff.

Don't even get me started on the TAN robing and skirt combo thing. I already had my say about the TAN. So let's move on to the WHITE pants. Now this here, was like a normality in those times. WHITE pants. I said it, yeah. Do you know how dirty those would get with all that Jedi business going on? (...no, not that kind of business) At least part of the pants are tucked into the BOOTS(!), which is one of the only very good pieces of this outfit. Jedi have kriffing cool boots.

The belt. I don't have much to complain about that. It's simple, it's useful. I'll say that's the next best thing next to the boots. But if I find some old holo of some old school Jedi who has a black belt and brown boots or something of the sort, I will personally go back in time and kick their huttling backends to two weeks from now -- so that in two weeks I can go back and beat them up again. MATCH YOUR SHOES AND BELTS, PEOPLE BEINGS, THANKS.

Now I have to bring attention to this lightsaber in particular. When I went back and looked at old records and data from this period, I found out that all of the Jedi had blue and green lightsabers, while all the Sith had red. Mace had a purple lightsaber.

If he was still alive today, I would fear him. Because he was hardcore enough to be like, "Hey Council, I'm gonna hook me up with a different color than you tools have. Thanks."

PURPLE!

Anyways, that's that for those old Jedi robes. If you know any Jedi, please do the galaxy a favor and tell them to spice up their wardrobe a bit, hmm? It's not the old days anymore, Jedi can get married and all that jazz. And those old dusty brown rags sure ain't gonna do much for picking up members of the opposite gender, yeah? (Or the same, depending on your taste.)

Welcome, force-niblets, to the new and improved version of Chrono! Our main entry is still around, but now serves as a gateway to all the articles (new and old) which will be posted right here.

So if you want to keep up with all the gossip and interviews and fashion and -- I guess news too, psh. Anyways, if you want to keep up with all that, take your datapad and add this to your favorites. Then you'll get the latest right when it happens!

(And by when it happens, I mean when our lazy interns report back to us with stuff they find.)

Three cheers for a new era in CHRONO! Now let's bust out some Corellian Ale in here and get drunk, what do you say?

...wait, that's not very professional, is it?

Oops!