Glory Linnemann (glorylinnemann) wrote in ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} chlack,@ 2007-03-06 05:21:00 |
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Past, Present ,& Future
Title: Past, Present, & Future
Rating: PG 13
Setting: Post day six, Chloe helps Jack pick up the pieces
Chapters: 1 to 3 of 7. To avoid overload, I'll post this fic in two or three parts.
"Go home, Chloe," Jack whispered to the woman who was sleeping lightly on his couch. It was midnight, and she'd been there since early in the morning.
She awoke at the sound of his voice and immediately turned her face away. "I'm not going anywhere," she replied as he sat beside her.
"Chloe..."
"I'm not leaving, okay? Don't fight me on this," she replied.
"Chloe, I know you're trying to help me, and you know that I am grateful for everything you've done for me these last few weeks, but - "
"But nothing, Jack. Go to bed. I'll be here on the couch if you need me," she interrupted, pulling her coat over her head like a blanket so as to ignore him.
He sighed and gave up, leaving her to sleep on his couch for the seventh straight day. She watched him walk away, wishing that one of these nights he'd insist she leave the uncomfortable couch for his bed. Then she silently scolded herself for thinking such a shallow thought during his time of need.
Her role as helper in his time of need had begun a month earlier, when he was released from one chaos in China only to be placed in another. The last remaining threads of his life had unraveled that day, but when the day finally gave in to the next, he turned to find that Chloe was still there. Somehow, she was still there.
It was unspoken but known by both that they needed one another to survive the new normal forced upon their lives. They simply had no one else but each other.
Jack lay awake in bed and recalled how Chloe had taken him from CTU to her apartment that first night. He remembered walking inside and sitting down only to fall asleep within seconds. She had then gently nudged him awake before guiding him to her bedroom, where he slept as she took to her couch.
He both loved and detested every moment she spent taking care of him. He needed her, but he hated being a burden to her with every fiber of his being. Three weeks later, with his savings that Kim had received when he was in China but never touched just in case he ever returned, he rented out an apartment of his own.
He smiled scoffingly at the thought that his own apartment would increase his independence. Chloe helped him move, helped furnish the place, brought meals every day, drove him to his now-numerous doctor appointments, even did his laundry. She rationalized to him that her sleeping there was necessary, because "what if you had one of your nightmares and no one was there to wake you up?".
Nightmares, though they plagued him often and were treacherous when they did, wouldn't be a problem tonight, he thought to himself. He'd only been in bed for 10 minutes and he knew he couldn't sleep. Tomorrow a decision would be made as too whether he would be officially reinstated to limited duty at CTU - something he wasn't even sure he wanted. Anticipation left sleep out of the question.
Drifting out of his small bedroom, he was on his way to the kitchen but stopped at a doorway to check in on Chloe. She was sleeping peacefully, though uncomfortably, he was sure. Watching her sleep from his safe distance, Jack couldn't help but wonder just what kept her in his life. He had been through many hells in the last few years, to be sure, but she was always there to catch him, and she always gave him her all, no matter what.
Something in her had changed, though, and he couldn't figure out what it was. He had been gone for a long time, to be sure, and he wondered often what happened during that time. He knew about Morris, obviously (though she never told him that he was the reason why Morris left her), but she didn't let him in any further. And though she was still the same essential Chloe he had always known, she now possessed a silent, resolute strength that was new to him. Whatever it was, he wasn't going to ask. He knew that, like himself, Chloe kept things to herself for good reasons.
Jack retrieved a blanket from his room and returned to cover her with it. He smiled slightly as he gently wrapped the blanket around her, wondering what the hell possessed her to want to be there. In moments like those he was honest with himself and could admit how much he needed her there with him. When he was alone, he couldn't stop his mind from flashing back and returning him to the place he had physically been saved from but mentally was still a prisoner of. To not feel alone was the greatest comfort he had to hold on to, and she was the only one willing to provide it at all hours of the day.
Forgetting whatever it was he wanted from the kitchen, he turned and headed back to his room, hoping this sleep thing would work this time.
ppp chapter two
Chloe turned her head from her computer to see Jack leaving Bill's office, dressed in a suit she'd bought him the day before. She tried to read his face, but there was nothing to read.
"Jack?" she called, but he passed her station without a word, apparently heading out the door. She instinctively rose and followed him, ignoring Milo's repeated calling after her.
Chloe found Jack standing just outside the building, leaning against a wall and breathing heavily. She rushed to his side, asking in a panicked tone, "My God, Jack, are you okay?"
He opened his eyes and tried to brush her off. "I'm fine," he replied, still panting a bit.
"No, you're not," she scowled. "What happened in there?"
He paused, trying to get ahold of himself. "He wants to reinstate me."
"That's good," she replied. "Isn't it?"
He shook his head and muttered, "I don't know. I don't know what I want." He then turned against the wall and slammed it with an open hand. "I don't know..."
Hearing his voice begin to shake, she closed the distance between them and placed a hand on his right shoulder. "It's okay, Jack. You don't have to know what you want. No one's rushing you into this."
He placed his left hand on hers and held it there against his shoulder, leaning his forehead against the wall. He didn't know why he had snapped, and it only reminded him of how he was a different man than he was 2 years ago. He hated being weak. All he wanted to do was forget his traumas and live his life again, like nothing had changed, but his mind would not grant him such a luxury. Grief and vivid memories presented themselves in the form of nightmares, panic attacks, and moments where he was sure that he would be stuck in this vicious cycle forever. The reality of reentering the world that had caused all of this proved more than he was ready for.
He finally turned and offered Chloe a smile meant to reassure her, though no one was buying it. "Go back to work," he nudged. "I'm fine. I'm just going to take a walk."
Her scowl deepened. "Jack, you've got to be kidding me."
"No, I...I think I might need to be alone right now."
"Well, I don't," she replied.
"Chloe, please," he half-pleaded.
"Jack, at least go home if you have to leave, but don't make me worry more than I already do," she nearly begged, surprising him.
"There's somewhere I need to go, Chloe," he replied. "Don't worry about me."
"Right," she sighed. "Just go home as soon as you can."
He nodded, amused by this new over protectiveness of hers, before she sullenly walked away. He then began a long walk to somewhere he hadn't been in years.
----------------------------------------
"Chloe," Bill called, approaching her from across the floor, "Where's Jack? Is he alright?"
"No, I think he had a panic attack," she replied quietly. "He went for a walk. Mr. Buchanan, I don't think he'll be ready for this for awhile."
"I was going to keep him behind a desk," he replied.
"Yeah, but that's not what I mean. It's this place, the atmosphere, the memories. I've been staying with him for a month now, and I watch him struggle every day to try to get used to life again. This is too much too fast."
Bill nodded, realizing the hastiness with which he'd approached the matter. But a certain curiosity prompted his next question. "He's still living in your apartment?"
"No, he just got his own. I've been staying there," she muttered, knowing how peculiar the arrangement might seem to others.
"I thought Kim was going to move him into her house," he said.
"Yeah, well, he refused. He said he doesn't want to be a burden to her."
He nodded once again. "I'm glad you're staying with him. It says a lot about his feelings for you that he's letting you help him."
She froze. Did he just use the term "his feelings for you"? That's weird, she thought to herself as he gave her shoulder an approving pat before walking away. Then again, what wasn't weird anymore.
While she continued to stand there idly processing the last few moments, Milo decided to approach her and satisfy his own curiosity. "Hey, Chloe," he said from behind, prompting her to turn and hope he had something relevant to say.
"Yeah," she muttered, heading to her station as he followed.
"Is Jack okay? Everyone's wondering what all that was about."
She turned her head just enough to shoot him a glare. "Here's what you can tell everyone: No, Jack isn't fine. Why isn't he fine? Because he was tortured almost daily, at least weekly, for nearly two years, only to return to watch one of his best friends and the woman he loved die, both right in front of him. Would you be 'okay'?"
Milo sighed. "Look, I didn't mean it like that."
"Yeah, I know," she scowled before he gave up and walked away.
chapter three
Her shift over, Chloe drove into the modest parking area of the place where she would find Jack, who was still on his "walk".
Chloe knew she'd find him here. It was the first place she thought to look. But now she didn't want to disturb him, fearing he would resent her intruding on this private moment.
A tear or two rolled down his cheek as Jack knelt down before Teri's grave. It seemed like it had been an eternity since he'd lost her, but the pain had never lost its edge. He wondered how he could move on from Audrey when all of these years later, it still sometimes felt as if pieces of his heart were still buried with Teri.
He turned at the sound of footsteps behind him, not quite surprised to see Chloe standing there. "Chloe," he muttered, sniffing back the rest of his tears.
"I'm sorry if I'm intruding, Jack," she replied cautiously. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay."
He nodded, turning his head away from her. "I'm fine. How did you find me?"
She walked forward and knelt down beside him. "I used to live around here when you first hired me. I saw you here a lot when I'd drive by on my way to CTU. It was the first place I thought of," she paused. "I also traced your cell phone signal."
He smirked ever so slightly, helping to quell her anxiety. Maybe he was glad she was there, she briefly hoped.
Chloe looked at the headstone, a bit intimidated by Teri's memory. She was a mythical figure at CTU, a tragic story that lived on among employees, most of whom had never known her. Jack rarely spoke of her, and in fact never had spoken once of her to Chloe.
"You'd think," he began weakly, "that after everything that's happened since she died, it wouldn't hurt as bad. It should be buried in my mind, but..."
She listened intently, studying his face.
"...I know it's naive, but sometimes I think that if she were still here, everything would be different. All of this would have never happened. I'd be living a normal life," he smiled, the absurdity of those word "normal". "And the worst part is, I have myself to blame."
He turned and looked at Chloe, his eyes shimmering. "And then Audrey...How many times," he managed before his voice failed him.
"Jack, you have to stop blaming yourself," she urged him, taking his right hand in her left. "You have got to learn how to stop torturing yourself like this."
He shook his head. "I just don't know why I'm still here when everyone's gone."
"The same reason why I am," she replied eloquently.
He fell silent, welcoming her turn to speak as he locked his eyes into hers.
"And I have you to thank for that," she continued. "You know that."
He shook his head. "I don't understand why you do all you do for me, Chloe, I don't. If I were you, I would have stopped caring a long time ago."
She shrugged. "Well, that's why you're not me."
He looked down before restating his question. "I'm serious, Chloe. Why?"
There was no way in hell she was going to answer that question honestly, so she uncomfortably fumbled through different responses in her head while he waited for her answer. "I guess because you'd do the same for me," she replied. "It's not like I'm doing that much anyway."
A cool breeze blew a shift back into reality through both, leading Chloe to awkwardly pull her hand away from his and glance at her watch. "Are you ready to go home?" she asked.
He nodded, then rose to follow her to the car. He kept his eyes on Chloe as she led him to the parking area, realizing that no one since Teri, not even his daughter, had been as constantly present & reliable in his life as Chloe. He never truly appreciated or understood her loyalty. Not only was she there when he needed her, she was there when he didn't.
His mind was a tangle of thoughts and long-repressed memories as she drove them home. Both were lost in their own minds, as they so often were, but Chloe's concern for him got the best of her and she soon broke their silence.
"I talked to Buchanan after you left, and...I told him that I didn't think you were ready to be reinstated."
He looked down to his hands. "That's fine."
She glanced over at him, bearing a slightly pained look. "Jack, I really think you should think about therapy."
His eyes rolled a bit as his neck shifted towards the window. "Chloe..."
"I know you don't want to go, but..."
"Chloe, tell me the name of one therapist who could even begin to understand the half of what I've seen in the last two years alone, and I'll be glad to go," he replied somewhat angrily. "But you can't, because that person doesn't exist."
She sighed, coming up short of an argument.
He took a breath and lowered his tone. "Listen, I know you're trying to help, but I have to deal with this in my own way."
"I know," she replied, his usually charming stubbornness now threatening to truly hurt him. "I just worry about you, Jack, and I think it could really help you."
"I'm fine," he replied, not even trying to be convincing.
Chloe fell silent, knowing full well he was far from fine. She was sick & tired of watching him continuously do everything the hard way, but she also knew there was no stopping him. Still, it strengthened her resolve to do everything in her power to help him - as if she wasn't already.
Title: Past, Present, & Future
Rating: PG 13
Setting: Post day six, Chloe helps Jack pick up the pieces
Chapters: 1 to 3 of 7. To avoid overload, I'll post this fic in two or three parts.
"Go home, Chloe," Jack whispered to the woman who was sleeping lightly on his couch. It was midnight, and she'd been there since early in the morning.
She awoke at the sound of his voice and immediately turned her face away. "I'm not going anywhere," she replied as he sat beside her.
"Chloe..."
"I'm not leaving, okay? Don't fight me on this," she replied.
"Chloe, I know you're trying to help me, and you know that I am grateful for everything you've done for me these last few weeks, but - "
"But nothing, Jack. Go to bed. I'll be here on the couch if you need me," she interrupted, pulling her coat over her head like a blanket so as to ignore him.
He sighed and gave up, leaving her to sleep on his couch for the seventh straight day. She watched him walk away, wishing that one of these nights he'd insist she leave the uncomfortable couch for his bed. Then she silently scolded herself for thinking such a shallow thought during his time of need.
Her role as helper in his time of need had begun a month earlier, when he was released from one chaos in China only to be placed in another. The last remaining threads of his life had unraveled that day, but when the day finally gave in to the next, he turned to find that Chloe was still there. Somehow, she was still there.
It was unspoken but known by both that they needed one another to survive the new normal forced upon their lives. They simply had no one else but each other.
Jack lay awake in bed and recalled how Chloe had taken him from CTU to her apartment that first night. He remembered walking inside and sitting down only to fall asleep within seconds. She had then gently nudged him awake before guiding him to her bedroom, where he slept as she took to her couch.
He both loved and detested every moment she spent taking care of him. He needed her, but he hated being a burden to her with every fiber of his being. Three weeks later, with his savings that Kim had received when he was in China but never touched just in case he ever returned, he rented out an apartment of his own.
He smiled scoffingly at the thought that his own apartment would increase his independence. Chloe helped him move, helped furnish the place, brought meals every day, drove him to his now-numerous doctor appointments, even did his laundry. She rationalized to him that her sleeping there was necessary, because "what if you had one of your nightmares and no one was there to wake you up?".
Nightmares, though they plagued him often and were treacherous when they did, wouldn't be a problem tonight, he thought to himself. He'd only been in bed for 10 minutes and he knew he couldn't sleep. Tomorrow a decision would be made as too whether he would be officially reinstated to limited duty at CTU - something he wasn't even sure he wanted. Anticipation left sleep out of the question.
Drifting out of his small bedroom, he was on his way to the kitchen but stopped at a doorway to check in on Chloe. She was sleeping peacefully, though uncomfortably, he was sure. Watching her sleep from his safe distance, Jack couldn't help but wonder just what kept her in his life. He had been through many hells in the last few years, to be sure, but she was always there to catch him, and she always gave him her all, no matter what.
Something in her had changed, though, and he couldn't figure out what it was. He had been gone for a long time, to be sure, and he wondered often what happened during that time. He knew about Morris, obviously (though she never told him that he was the reason why Morris left her), but she didn't let him in any further. And though she was still the same essential Chloe he had always known, she now possessed a silent, resolute strength that was new to him. Whatever it was, he wasn't going to ask. He knew that, like himself, Chloe kept things to herself for good reasons.
Jack retrieved a blanket from his room and returned to cover her with it. He smiled slightly as he gently wrapped the blanket around her, wondering what the hell possessed her to want to be there. In moments like those he was honest with himself and could admit how much he needed her there with him. When he was alone, he couldn't stop his mind from flashing back and returning him to the place he had physically been saved from but mentally was still a prisoner of. To not feel alone was the greatest comfort he had to hold on to, and she was the only one willing to provide it at all hours of the day.
Forgetting whatever it was he wanted from the kitchen, he turned and headed back to his room, hoping this sleep thing would work this time.
ppp chapter two
Chloe turned her head from her computer to see Jack leaving Bill's office, dressed in a suit she'd bought him the day before. She tried to read his face, but there was nothing to read.
"Jack?" she called, but he passed her station without a word, apparently heading out the door. She instinctively rose and followed him, ignoring Milo's repeated calling after her.
Chloe found Jack standing just outside the building, leaning against a wall and breathing heavily. She rushed to his side, asking in a panicked tone, "My God, Jack, are you okay?"
He opened his eyes and tried to brush her off. "I'm fine," he replied, still panting a bit.
"No, you're not," she scowled. "What happened in there?"
He paused, trying to get ahold of himself. "He wants to reinstate me."
"That's good," she replied. "Isn't it?"
He shook his head and muttered, "I don't know. I don't know what I want." He then turned against the wall and slammed it with an open hand. "I don't know..."
Hearing his voice begin to shake, she closed the distance between them and placed a hand on his right shoulder. "It's okay, Jack. You don't have to know what you want. No one's rushing you into this."
He placed his left hand on hers and held it there against his shoulder, leaning his forehead against the wall. He didn't know why he had snapped, and it only reminded him of how he was a different man than he was 2 years ago. He hated being weak. All he wanted to do was forget his traumas and live his life again, like nothing had changed, but his mind would not grant him such a luxury. Grief and vivid memories presented themselves in the form of nightmares, panic attacks, and moments where he was sure that he would be stuck in this vicious cycle forever. The reality of reentering the world that had caused all of this proved more than he was ready for.
He finally turned and offered Chloe a smile meant to reassure her, though no one was buying it. "Go back to work," he nudged. "I'm fine. I'm just going to take a walk."
Her scowl deepened. "Jack, you've got to be kidding me."
"No, I...I think I might need to be alone right now."
"Well, I don't," she replied.
"Chloe, please," he half-pleaded.
"Jack, at least go home if you have to leave, but don't make me worry more than I already do," she nearly begged, surprising him.
"There's somewhere I need to go, Chloe," he replied. "Don't worry about me."
"Right," she sighed. "Just go home as soon as you can."
He nodded, amused by this new over protectiveness of hers, before she sullenly walked away. He then began a long walk to somewhere he hadn't been in years.
----------------------------------------
"Chloe," Bill called, approaching her from across the floor, "Where's Jack? Is he alright?"
"No, I think he had a panic attack," she replied quietly. "He went for a walk. Mr. Buchanan, I don't think he'll be ready for this for awhile."
"I was going to keep him behind a desk," he replied.
"Yeah, but that's not what I mean. It's this place, the atmosphere, the memories. I've been staying with him for a month now, and I watch him struggle every day to try to get used to life again. This is too much too fast."
Bill nodded, realizing the hastiness with which he'd approached the matter. But a certain curiosity prompted his next question. "He's still living in your apartment?"
"No, he just got his own. I've been staying there," she muttered, knowing how peculiar the arrangement might seem to others.
"I thought Kim was going to move him into her house," he said.
"Yeah, well, he refused. He said he doesn't want to be a burden to her."
He nodded once again. "I'm glad you're staying with him. It says a lot about his feelings for you that he's letting you help him."
She froze. Did he just use the term "his feelings for you"? That's weird, she thought to herself as he gave her shoulder an approving pat before walking away. Then again, what wasn't weird anymore.
While she continued to stand there idly processing the last few moments, Milo decided to approach her and satisfy his own curiosity. "Hey, Chloe," he said from behind, prompting her to turn and hope he had something relevant to say.
"Yeah," she muttered, heading to her station as he followed.
"Is Jack okay? Everyone's wondering what all that was about."
She turned her head just enough to shoot him a glare. "Here's what you can tell everyone: No, Jack isn't fine. Why isn't he fine? Because he was tortured almost daily, at least weekly, for nearly two years, only to return to watch one of his best friends and the woman he loved die, both right in front of him. Would you be 'okay'?"
Milo sighed. "Look, I didn't mean it like that."
"Yeah, I know," she scowled before he gave up and walked away.
chapter three
Her shift over, Chloe drove into the modest parking area of the place where she would find Jack, who was still on his "walk".
Chloe knew she'd find him here. It was the first place she thought to look. But now she didn't want to disturb him, fearing he would resent her intruding on this private moment.
A tear or two rolled down his cheek as Jack knelt down before Teri's grave. It seemed like it had been an eternity since he'd lost her, but the pain had never lost its edge. He wondered how he could move on from Audrey when all of these years later, it still sometimes felt as if pieces of his heart were still buried with Teri.
He turned at the sound of footsteps behind him, not quite surprised to see Chloe standing there. "Chloe," he muttered, sniffing back the rest of his tears.
"I'm sorry if I'm intruding, Jack," she replied cautiously. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay."
He nodded, turning his head away from her. "I'm fine. How did you find me?"
She walked forward and knelt down beside him. "I used to live around here when you first hired me. I saw you here a lot when I'd drive by on my way to CTU. It was the first place I thought of," she paused. "I also traced your cell phone signal."
He smirked ever so slightly, helping to quell her anxiety. Maybe he was glad she was there, she briefly hoped.
Chloe looked at the headstone, a bit intimidated by Teri's memory. She was a mythical figure at CTU, a tragic story that lived on among employees, most of whom had never known her. Jack rarely spoke of her, and in fact never had spoken once of her to Chloe.
"You'd think," he began weakly, "that after everything that's happened since she died, it wouldn't hurt as bad. It should be buried in my mind, but..."
She listened intently, studying his face.
"...I know it's naive, but sometimes I think that if she were still here, everything would be different. All of this would have never happened. I'd be living a normal life," he smiled, the absurdity of those word "normal". "And the worst part is, I have myself to blame."
He turned and looked at Chloe, his eyes shimmering. "And then Audrey...How many times," he managed before his voice failed him.
"Jack, you have to stop blaming yourself," she urged him, taking his right hand in her left. "You have got to learn how to stop torturing yourself like this."
He shook his head. "I just don't know why I'm still here when everyone's gone."
"The same reason why I am," she replied eloquently.
He fell silent, welcoming her turn to speak as he locked his eyes into hers.
"And I have you to thank for that," she continued. "You know that."
He shook his head. "I don't understand why you do all you do for me, Chloe, I don't. If I were you, I would have stopped caring a long time ago."
She shrugged. "Well, that's why you're not me."
He looked down before restating his question. "I'm serious, Chloe. Why?"
There was no way in hell she was going to answer that question honestly, so she uncomfortably fumbled through different responses in her head while he waited for her answer. "I guess because you'd do the same for me," she replied. "It's not like I'm doing that much anyway."
A cool breeze blew a shift back into reality through both, leading Chloe to awkwardly pull her hand away from his and glance at her watch. "Are you ready to go home?" she asked.
He nodded, then rose to follow her to the car. He kept his eyes on Chloe as she led him to the parking area, realizing that no one since Teri, not even his daughter, had been as constantly present & reliable in his life as Chloe. He never truly appreciated or understood her loyalty. Not only was she there when he needed her, she was there when he didn't.
His mind was a tangle of thoughts and long-repressed memories as she drove them home. Both were lost in their own minds, as they so often were, but Chloe's concern for him got the best of her and she soon broke their silence.
"I talked to Buchanan after you left, and...I told him that I didn't think you were ready to be reinstated."
He looked down to his hands. "That's fine."
She glanced over at him, bearing a slightly pained look. "Jack, I really think you should think about therapy."
His eyes rolled a bit as his neck shifted towards the window. "Chloe..."
"I know you don't want to go, but..."
"Chloe, tell me the name of one therapist who could even begin to understand the half of what I've seen in the last two years alone, and I'll be glad to go," he replied somewhat angrily. "But you can't, because that person doesn't exist."
She sighed, coming up short of an argument.
He took a breath and lowered his tone. "Listen, I know you're trying to help, but I have to deal with this in my own way."
"I know," she replied, his usually charming stubbornness now threatening to truly hurt him. "I just worry about you, Jack, and I think it could really help you."
"I'm fine," he replied, not even trying to be convincing.
Chloe fell silent, knowing full well he was far from fine. She was sick & tired of watching him continuously do everything the hard way, but she also knew there was no stopping him. Still, it strengthened her resolve to do everything in her power to help him - as if she wasn't already.
