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Thursday, October 2nd, 2008

xislandergyrlx

6:54a 10/2/08 Its the last day of first semester clinical!! hellllll yeaaaaaah good riddens 5 am! lol

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Tuesday, September 30th, 2008

ianjoel

12:24a Am I the 'new" son? On Saturday, I made the ultimate decision to let my parents know I'm gay. I think it was probably one of the most relieving and unreal experiences I have ever felt in my life. It felt clear for a brief moment. And altogether, everything felt awful and guilty. What had I just done? Still, my parents reaction hasn't completely ended nor have the endless questions that run in my head. (and it may never end) My mom called me that day surprisingly asking what I was doing and seeing if she could meet dad and her at Lucky Seafood since there was a Pho restaurant. I took her on her offer and drove over. I started to think about coming out for the past year and maybe the year before because I felt like it was important for my family to know, especially since we are close. I wasn't sure whether it was God empowering me to do it, the support group I had attended for a few weeks, or attending the Catholic mass in hillcrest (Dignity), but I felt in my heart this was the right moment. Some people thought I would never do this, but true to myself, I just needed time, and so I decided it was that day. Arriving at the supermarket and deciding that when we ate at the Pho next door would be the opportune time. My mother had a wide smile on her face as I hugged her. The next 15 minutes felt long and short as my head tried to find the right words to tell them..."I hope you still love me, but I'm...." We sat down and ordered. My parents went into why they were at SD and hoping to find some part time work. Then they went into talking about how we didn't have girlfriends. I told them 'You mean my brother? Don't you guys know I'm gay?" {Granted, this probably wasn't the best approach since I could have made a more emotional reason} My parents said "you're gay?" I told them "yes, you didn't know?" They explained that my grandma would say something about the way I talked but they didn't want to put this at the forefront of their minds. I checked in, asked some feeling focused questions since it was appropriate. "Are you mad? angry? upset?" My dad looked a little teary which made me hurt inside and my mother said "why would we be upset? There's nothing to cry about." My dad said "it was my life." We then talked about they were disappointed that they couldn't have grandkids but I assured them that my brother could do this. Also, I could have children as well. They raised their tones "with a guy..." I relaxed them by saying okay maybe not now since I realized it was too much for them. The bill came. I took my mom's 20 dollar and went to the register. I felt the awkwardness and the feeling like they needed to talk (which they probably did on the car ride home). I sat down, and my dad changed the subject about who I was going to vote for in the elections. Here I was feeling unsure about their so sure reactions. For the day I realized how much my parents were open, but it was just that day. This Monday morning, my dad texts me saying "We love you and support you a 100 your mom was crying cuz she worries bout your future. Are you sure your happy with the situation?" I read it 3 times since that was how many times my dad texted it. I wasn't sure what to think. The question at the end almost sounded like some condition or illness I had. Was it their denial? I thought my parents were okay with it but then revealing myself was much more complicated than uttering the words. I thought about being in her shoes, realizing the number of things that could be in her head: grandkids, other men/relationships, what to tell my other family members, friends, what she could have done wrong, and maybe my safety. A couple of months ago I talked to my director and she told me that parents were number one concerned for their safety of their child -that was the hardest part for them and her. Maybe this was for my mom as well? I tried calling the same night only to my dad saying that mom was washing the dishes and that I should call her later that night. Never had I felt so much anxiety to hear what they had to say. Would they just say, I can't do this, and disown me? (irrationally I think) I hung up and stopped to think about why later that night? she would have stopped washing the dishes to talk to me. Then it hit me. The issue was about me, but the issue was with her coping with the new reality. She probably needs time to process and digest this. I had remember had in similar coming out stories/research how eventually parents needed the time to adjust to the social role they play as a family member as well as understand the cultural values placed on this new perspective. I'm beginning to understand that coming out really isn't just a one-time thing and that it's going to be another life long process. And it might also be one big step to coming out but just a small step to working toward family connectedness. Is it really true that parents maybe okay with people who are gay but not their own son or daughter? Am I also reborn? My parents mourning the lost a son and gaining a new son? current mood: anxious

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Monday, September 29th, 2008

xislandergyrlx

7:01p i cant help it if you ever get on my bad side... you WILL know it! karma is a bitch!

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