cesarean section rage party

To say Alyssa is excited for Halloween is an understatement. At the moment she is munching on candy corn, playing a Halloween-themed game on nickjr.com, and wearing a Halloween shirt. The only reason she and the dog aren’t in their costumes is because I put them up on top of our dryer, and seeing as it’s shoulder height for me, there’s no way she’s even close to seeing what’s on top of it.

I’m excited for Halloween too. We’ve got a lot planned for this month! This Saturday Dan and I are going to Field of Screams for a Guitar Hero competition. I’m going to take my mom’s digital camcorder so I can record everything for my ten year old brother to see. Technically he is allowed home on weekends for home visits (we found this out yesterday), but Children & Youth hates our guts because we’re asking questions and knowing and exercising our legal rights, so they’re digging in their heels everywhere they can. This includes suddenly denying my thirteen year old brother the right to come home to my mom on every other weekend as a part of his therapeutic treatment, denying my ten year old brother weekend visits, not returning my mother’s phone calls, and telling her that if she wants my grandfather on the contact list (to visit with my ten year old brother), the request will need to be done through her lawyer. It’s so hard not to fly in a rage over all of this, but considering the letters we have written, the phone calls we have made and some of the big-time, power wielding people that have been calling back, I KNOW that we’ll be the winners in the end. But until then…

Anyway, I got off on a tangent there. Sorry. So, Saturday, Guitar Hero competition at Field of Screams. On the 19th Dan and I are planning on doing the Renaissance Faire. On the 25th is a a family bonfire/Halloween party, the 26th is when we’re having Alyssa’s birthday party, and then Halloween on the 31st!

ПОЭТЫ

Лежат поэты на холмах пустынных,
И не понятно, в чем же корень зла,
Что в поединке уцелел Мартынов,
И что судьба Дантеса сберегла?

Что, сколько раз ни приходилось биться,
Как ни была рука его тверда,
Не смог поэт ни разу стать убийцей,
И оставался жертвою всегда?

Неясно, почему? Не потому ли,
Что был им непривычен пистолет?
Но бил со смехом Пушкин пулю в пулю,
Туза навскидку пробивал корнет.

Причина здесь не в шансах перевеса,
-Была вперед предрешена беда:
Когда бы Пушкин застрелил Дантеса,
Как жить ему и как писать тогда?

1969

Российской поэзии век золотой, -
Безумного Терека берег крутой,
Метель над Святыми Горами.
Смертями великими он знаменит,
И колокол заупокойный звонит
В пустом обезлюдевшем храме.

Поэзии Русской серебряный век, -
Саней по заливу стремительный бег,
Рассвет на Ивановской башне.
Расстрельною пулей пробитый висок
И лагерной пайки голодный кусок
Тот день обозначат вчерашний.

А бронзовый век наступает теперь.
Каких от него ожидаем потерь
В сравнении с теми веками?
У музы про эти спроси времена,
И молча в тоске отвернется она,
Лицо закрывая руками.

1995

Иван Грозный убивает сына Ивана


Я вижу старинный московский дворец
И кровь на подушках дивана.
Там сына родной убивает отец,
Иван убивает Ивана.
Убийца, себя истребляющий сам,
Его обвинять не рискую,
 --Виною всему праотец Авраам,
Замысливший жертву такую,
Который, не в силах любовь побороть,
Готов на посмертную муку,
Не зная о том, что удержит Господь
Его занесённую руку.
Я слышал однажды: 
как нерв напряжён,
Безлюдной вечерней порою,
Безумец ударил картину ножом
И крикнул: «Достаточно крови!».
И там, где отметина эта видна,
Где лезвие холст разрезало,
Всё капает, капает кровь с полотна
На плинтус музейного зала.
1994

• 12:31 I have a weird bad feeling that I took 2 doses of the adderall today... I really hope I didn't, but I'm thinking I did... #
• 12:32 However, must say... still no dry mouth... so there's hope... #
• 13:55 I'm thinking that Ms. Amanda Lynn needs to come down to FL for The Wedding Singer to see it's awesomeness... Flights are right around 199... #
• 13:58 And my dear San Diegoians need to come too... found you a roundtrip for 238... ;) #
• 17:36 @off I go back to Orlando. Gotta get the money for Avenue Q to Melissa! Whoo hoo! #
• 17:50 That just does not look comfy. Need to upgrade to the big kid britax. snipurl.com/43nlb #

We’re on our third weekend of running like “striped apes” (as my grandmother used to say; striped was pronounced as stripe-ed). Each weekend has consisted of 1-2 trips that were over 50 miles each way, and then a bunch of local running around. On Saturday we went to see my thirteen year old brother. We missed a turn, and so what should have been a 40 mile trip out turned into an 70 mile trip out, and then backtracking about 30 miles. Yeah, that really sucked. Damn PA and its horrible road and highway signage. Today (Sunday) we’re going to see my ten year old brother. As luck would have it he is close to 60 miles away. We’re picking up my grandfather on the way, and I’m thinking about bringing Leah along for my brother and grandfather to see. Obviously my mom will be with me, so I won’t be juggling Alyssa, Ryan and Leah all by myself.

Next weekend is going to be the brutal one. Instead of doing a trip to see one brother on Saturday and the other on Sunday, we’re going to do both trips, same day. As luck would have it, both are in the opposite direction, with us being smack in the middle. So in the morning we’ll drive sixty-some miles west to see my ten year old brother, then come back, stop somewhere for lunch, and then drive forty-some miles east to visit with my thirteen year old brother. Then we’ll come dragging back and go collapse somewhere. But having the marathon driving in one day is worth it to me, rather than stretch out the tedious driving and packing and kid lugging over the entire weekend.

Thank god Alyssa and Ryan are so great with going out. They LOVE to going out. They definitely got it from me. Alyssa is quite used to it; I took her to Philly for my dad to see her when she was only three or so weeks old. And I worked full-time until she was a year and a half old, so she was used to going to my mother’s at least five days a week. Ryan quickly got used to going out too, though he hasn’t been dragged around as much as Alyssa used to be. But he LOVES to go out. As long as the car is in motion, he’s happy and quiet. It’s when we’re at red lights, stop lights or stuck in traffic that he’ll begin to carry on and rock. The boy is lucky we live in the country and can go for miles, literally dozens of them, before encountering a single traffic light. And between here and most local destinations, like my mother’s house, the grocery store and Target, there are maybe two or three stop signs and one traffic light (none between here and my mom’s house!).

I should get to bed ASAP, because we’ll no sooner be getting in from visiting with my brother and taking my grandfather back home then it’ll be time to go out again. Dan wants to go to the bar again. We’re meeting his brother and Jason there. I’m really looking forward to going out! It’s so nice to have a few kid-free hours. I’m not too big on the alcohol, though I will drink whatever Dan’s brother whips up for me and I can take a shot or two; I’m there for the socializing and to watch Dan, his brother and whoever else comes along play pool. I suck at pool, but I enjoy watching it being played by others.