01:30 Chainsmoking

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What the fuck do I care?

I'll just sit here alone after work every day, same as I always do.

The only difference now is I'll have to get into the habit of an earlier bedtime.

And that's where my one remaining friend, Mary Jane, can help me out.

Sometimes my family members will talk about me as if I'm not in the room. My exclusion from my own family is one of the biggest factors in the loneliness I feel. It's especially hurtful because I value family highly and really put effort into getting my family members to like me.

00:01 Every single day just sucksss

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'm gng t pst wtht sng vwls (thr thn y's bcs nvr knw whthr thy r bing sd s vwls r nt) bcs hv scrt thngs t sy. Nt rlly "scrt" bt thngs dn't fl lk pstng fr th whl wrld t s, r nybdy rlly. 'm drnkng br rght nw lne n my rm, nd smtms wndr f mght lrdy b n lchlc. 'm lstnng t shl Smpsn sngs nd mssng lx. Hw cm ws s sr h ws th n? lwys hv t wndr f w wr sppsd t sty tgthr, whn 'm nt rmmbrng th ls, chtng, nd pn... t mntn fw thngs. dn't knw wht my prblm s. tms lk ths wsh knw th nswrs t sm f th grtr mystrs n lf.


'm s trd f th sm sht, dffrnt dy.

I have almost completely bounced back from the slump of depression I had been in for weeks. I'm discontent with some things still, but they are just things, and I am not letting thoughts of those things consume my mind so much anymore. Back to normal for now, I guess. Unfortunately, this discourages me from trying to find a therapist, like I had been planning to try again. I just don't feel a "need" for one anymore, but who knows, the feeling could just last a day. I only feel a need for a therapist or possibly medication when I am experiencing symptoms, unfortunately those symptoms generally are including a lack a motivation, exhaustion, feeling tired, etc etc... And I can't get my ducks in a row. My life is a constant frustrating cycle.

Speaking of exhaustion and feeling tired though, I'm so tired right now. Waking up at 5:30 for several consecutive days will really start to take it's toll on me by the end of the week. Thankfully tomorrow is Friday, and then I will be free for the weekend. Can't wait!!!

I bought two new books last night, and I can't wait to read them. Trouble is, every time I crack a book at night, I don't get through one sentence before I'm passed out between the pages. I'm going to have to read them during my free time in the afternoons instead of before going to bed at night or else I'll never make any progress.

        
Has anybody read either of these?

i really want to try to make a make-up similiar to this from nina ricci s/s 2009 collection.



( the rest. )

12:38 I love how strangers will ask how youre doing.. They will check up on you and then never see you again...

14:12 I've got a craving for fresh fruit

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i admit it, i'm polanski addicted. should start a marathon soon. trelkovsky should be first.



( what about cul-de-sac? )

of course, next picspam theme is deneuve and repulsion ;).

No work until noon for me today, but I'm awake at seven AM anyways. What's the deal? I'm really tired, and didn't get to bed until a while after one, so I should still be asleep for a couple more hours. Instead I am awake and unable to get any more shut-eye. I am thankful that I haven't been up and making coffee for the last 2 hours already though. My schedule at work has been changed so that I work 12 - 5:30 PM on Mondays, rather than the 5:30 AM - 12 shift I work Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. I will probably be kicking myself for this every day when I leave work and the sun is already about ready to start setting. I think I prefer waking up early as fuck to get done with work before the day has truly begun for many people. Oh well, it will be nice to have one day during the week to sleep in. (If I can ever get the hang of sleeping in on days like this.)

A little about my weekend, which was pretty great: I finally mustered up the courage to call up Mdubbs and acknowledge the fact that we haven't been talking, and that something is not the same with our friendship. Obviously this wasn't news to her, and we were able to agree that we wanted to work harder at being friends, if that's what it takes. All I care is that I don't lose her as a friend, because I have never had and never will find another friend like Megan Wills. It was a huge relief to talk to her about how I felt, and hear what she was feeling. In fact, it was relieving just to hear her voice again. I miss her a lot and wish I could just go hang out with her.

Speaking of which, Ethan and I were nearly going to head to Mankato on Friday night. But after talking to Mdubbs and hearing that she would not be in town for the visit, and that the Mankato Police were going to be cracking down all weekend, persuaded us to choose the alternative; driving down to Winona to party with Mickey. T.J. came along too, and we each had a really good time. I wasn't exactly a party animal Friday night, but I am content with my visit. I socialized a little bit, but mainly I was just happy to be around Mickey again for that night/Saturday morning. There are plenty of stories I could write about my trip to Winona, but I'm not in the mood to record too much detail. One thing that was extremely notable was that on Saturday morning, after a wake and bake and some donuts and coffee, Mickey, Ethan, T.J., and I went up on one of the bluffs overlooking the town. It was an amazing view and perfect fall weather that morning.


Ethan & I on the bluff. It was windy and I was scared of falling over the edge. (500 foot drop? No thank you!)


Here was our view. That's Winona, tucked between a lake and the Mississippi River, then past that is Wisconsin.

After arriving back in Bloomington, Andrew picked me up and we went to the mall to pick out a couple of things we wanted. :) I had to go babysit though, and we only had an hour together. Babysitting was actually really fun and after the kids were asleep, Franklin snuggled with me the rest of the night. He is the sweetest puppy. But after babysitting was even better. Andrew came back over, and we just spent the rest of the night together, having fun.

Sunday we slept in, chilled with Ethan, got take out from Sports Page, then the three of us met up with T.J. at the movie theater to watch Eagle Eye. I really enjoyed that movie, and after it was over it was still only 7:30 or something. We all chilled for a bit after that but soon Andrew and I departed and had another good night alone. I'm extremely content with how my weekend concluded. Well, I'm really just content with how my weekend went, as a whole. Hopefully I can look forward to more feelings of satisfaction like this.