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May. 19th, 2007 @ 04:16 am It's All in the Timing...
Current Music: Get Your SpasticRadio Tunage
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by her bed.
He begins to worry. "is this your husband?" he asks nervously.
"No silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you are jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
That's me, before the surgery!
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May. 15th, 2006 @ 08:52 pm Laid?
Current Music: Click here to be connected to SpasticRadio</a

Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me
back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but
knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent
back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and
clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until
he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Kenny

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best
thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting "Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed!

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Jan. 11th, 2006 @ 12:28 pm I Get a Kick Out of You...
A lawyer went to duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a
bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on
his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and
now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in
the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you
and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said," Apparently, you don't know how we
settle disputes in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with
the "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land,
first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so
on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the
local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to
the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed
work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His
second kick to the midriff then made the lawyer loose his early
morning breakfast. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third
kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his
feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, Now
it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naaaaaah, I give up now. You can have
the duck."


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Jan. 11th, 2006 @ 12:27 pm Cookin'
She has a point


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Jan. 11th, 2006 @ 12:27 pm Awww... What's the Matter Georgie?
Finally, he has as hard a time swallowing his own bullshit, as some of the
rest of us have


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Jan. 11th, 2006 @ 12:26 pm Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and said, "I'd like to
buy a bra for my wife. What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type? Look around," said the
sales lady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and
material imaginable.

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of
bras to choose from. Relieved, the man asked about the types!

The saleslady replied: There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the
Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The
Sales lady responded, "It is all really quite simple...........



The Catholic type supports the masses....
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen....
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright...
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills...


_____

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Jan. 10th, 2006 @ 01:34 am Whipped?
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Jan. 9th, 2006 @ 01:28 pm Dr. Laura Gets Served...
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people
who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant
Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22
and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open
letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the
Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have
learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as
many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle,
for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to
be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however,
regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing
odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the
odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.
In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period
of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I
have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female,
provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine
claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly
states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination -
Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree.
Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my
vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around
their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How
should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops
in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two
different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse
and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of
getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we
just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people
who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can
help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim
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Jan. 7th, 2006 @ 09:22 pm Sex Quotes
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
-- Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
-- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid
problem?"
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf
is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
-- Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
-- Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he
never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a
sense of humor)


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Jan. 7th, 2006 @ 09:15 pm Why Men Like Fishing...
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Jan. 7th, 2006 @ 09:14 pm A Guy Walks Into the Bar...
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided
to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We
stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make
love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump
out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.


"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked
already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch
didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to
listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband
tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned
forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband
had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck
his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were
only SIX inches off the ground!!"

_____

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Jan. 7th, 2006 @ 09:14 pm Joke List
As you all have probably been able to tell, the jokes list has been rather
dormant lately. Mostly because I've had some trouble getting things to post
properly. I haven't had a a lot of time to work on it, but in light of the
total inactivity, I'm going to start trying to post things again, and hope
they work right.

If you see things happening that don't look right, or if you aren't getting
the stuff right that gets posted, please let me know.

Thanks!

_____

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Oct. 31st, 2005 @ 07:00 am Happy Halloween!!!
Current Music: Green Day - When I Come Around
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Sep. 30th, 2005 @ 01:51 pm How Many?
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by
saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the
President sits, head in
hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

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Aug. 23rd, 2005 @ 08:01 am Aggie Poetry
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two
finalists. One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an
upper-crust family; well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The
other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. Go figure.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem
in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word Timbuktu.

The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the
clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:


'Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked the dusty caravan.

Men on camels, two by two

Destination -- Timbuktu.

The audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?!
The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in
the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:



Tim and me, a-huntin' went.

Met three whores in a pop-up tent.

They was three, we was two,

So I bucked one and Timbuktu


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Aug. 22nd, 2005 @ 08:00 am Minsking The Point
The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes
were all disheveled and he looked needy.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I want Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."

"No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges
$1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and
handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon
the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that
no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no
discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the
two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it.
Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end
of the hour Natalie questioned the old man:

"No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you
from?"

The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."

"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there."

"Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."


_____

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Aug. 20th, 2005 @ 02:15 am A Big Fan
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of Peter at the Pearly
Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all
those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.
"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"
That's Nelson Mandela's. The hands have never moved, indicating that he
never told a lie. " Incredible," said the man.
"And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham
Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only
two lies in his ! entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."


_____

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Aug. 19th, 2005 @ 11:00 am Showing Off
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