BLEACH 171 DOUGRAS-STYLE RECAP
SO DOUGRAS, WHY DON'T YOU TELL US A STORY ABOUT YOU?

SURE, I'D LOVE TO! AN HOUR BEFORE BLEACH AIRED TONIGHT, I WAS IN TATEYAMA, HALF AN HOUR AWAY FROM MY APARTMENT, IN A GROCERY STORE. AS I'M STANDING THERE, LOOKING AT VEGETABLES, A NEW SONG COMES ON THE INTERCOM – IT'S A MUZAK VERSION OF A BLEACH END THEME. THIS HAPPENS SOMETIMES, AND IS ALWAYS BIZZARE WHEN IT DOES – MUZAK VERSIONS OF ANYTHING ARE. ANYWAY, I STOOD THERE FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS GOING "WHERE DO I KNOW THIS SONG FROM?" AND THEN "OH, RIGHT, BLEACH!" I STOOD THERE FOR ANOTHER THREE SECONDS OR SO BEFORE MY BRAIN WENT, "TONIGHT IS WEDNESDAY AND IT IS 6:30PM AND YOU ARE HALF AN HOUR AWAY FROM YOUR TV SET, YOU MORON."

SO I HURRIED THROUGH MY SHOPPING AND GOT BACK TO MY APARTMENT WITH 10 MINUTES TO SPARE. ALL FOR YOU (AND ALSO MY BLEACH STREET CRED).



PREVIOUS EPISODES: MIRROR NINJA WAS LAME AND EXPLODED. PRINCESS KASUMI LIKES TO NAP.

ICHIGO: THIS SUCKS.
MAHN SERVANTE: YOU TAKE THAT BACK! THIS IS AWESOME!
PUNCH ROCKGROIN: ::FREAKING LOOMS AND IS LIKE 6 TIMES WIDER THAN ICHIGO IS::
ICHIGO: THIS DOESN'T SUCK?
PRINCESS KASUMI: WHAT IS THIS CURIOUS DEVICE?
MAHN SERVANTE: PROBABLY SOME SORT OF PORTAL TO HELL.
ICHIGO: IT'S A VENDING MACHINE. IT GIVES YOU DRINKS. HERE, HAVE A DRINK.
PRINCESS KASUMI: A DRINK! I'M AFRAID.
MAHN SERVANTE: DO YOU WANT ME TO DRINK IT FOR YOU?
PRINCESS KASUMI: NO, I SHALL BE BRAVE AND DRINK IT! ::DRINKS:: IT'S DELICIOUS!
MAHN SERVANTE: FOR SOME REASON THIS MAKES ME UPSET!
RUKIA: HEY, LET'S HAVE A MONTAGE OF SCENES OF US IN AN ARCADE.
MONDAGE OF ARCADE SCENES: ::HAPPENS::
RUKIA: I LOVE DDR.

YUZU: ICHIGO WHY ARE YOU HANGING OUT WITH A GIRL WHO'S CLEARLY MY AGE?
ICHIGO: NO REASON! NONE! STOP THINKING THOUGHTS!
YUZU: WE SHOULD HAVE HER OVER FOR SUPPER. I INSIST.
PRINCESS KASUMI: CURRY RICE! OH MAN! COMMONER FOOD! I LOVE IT.
ICHIGO: GREAT, SHE LOVES CURRY. AND VENDING MACHINES.
PRINCESS KASUMI: EXCEPT FOR THESE CARROTS, I HATE THEM.
YUZU: I DIDN'T KNOW! I'M SO SORRY!
PRINCESS KASUMI: ALAS, CARROTS.
CEILING!MAHN SERVANTE AND CEILING!PUNCH ROCKGROIN: NO NOT CARROTS!
YUZU: WHY ARE THESE PEOPLE IN THE CEILING?
ICHIGO: YOU WANT ME TO ROUGH THEM UP? I COULD ROUGH THEM UP FOR YOU?
MAHN SERVANTE: NO, PERHAPS WE'LL BE THE ONES ROUGHING YOU UP!
PRINCESS KASUMI: FOR SERIOUS GAWD, YOU WON'T LET ME DO ANYTHING. MAYBE I WANTED TO BE SAD ABOUT CARROTS FOR ONCE! YOU NEVER EVEN LET ME HAVE A VENDING MACHINE OF MY OWN! IT'S ALL I EVER WANTED AS A LITTLE GIRL! ::RUNS OFF CRYING::
MAHN SERVANTE & PUNCH ROCKGROIN: ::WEEPS::
YUZU: SHE RAN OUTSIDE AND THEN DIED! QUICKLY, EVERYONE OUTSIDE!
EVERYONE: ::OUTSIDES::
RUKIA: IT APPEARS SHE HAS A LITTLE GIRL'S COMPACT IN HER HANDS. THIS IS A CLUE TO HER UNTIMELY DEMISE.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

LADY HATFACE: AGAIN I WANDER THE EARTH ALONE. ::FALLS DOWN, LOSES HER HAT:: FOR THE LOVE OF CRAP I SUCK AT THIS.
ORIHIME: PRINCESS KASUMI WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
PRINCESS KASUMI: WHAT THE POOP? HOW CAN YOU SEE ME, I'M UNVISIBLE. O WAIT, YOU'RE ORIHIME.
ORIHIME: (THIS IS HER REAL LINE) PIN PON!
LADY HATFACE: ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS JUST EAT A CARROT AND HAVE A VENDING MACHINE. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK FOR?
ORIHIME: MY BREASTS AND I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. I'M ALWAYS WANTING TO EAT THINGS AND HAVE THINGS – I'M A WOMAN.
NINJA: I'M A NINJA!
PRINCESS KASUMI: ON NOES WE WILL DIES!
ORIHIME: ANTI-YIFF SHIELD, GO!
NINJA: I HAVE A TERRIFYING OCTOPUS SWORD-SPEAR-THING THAT ATTACHES TO MY ARM. I BORROWED IT FROM WTFCAR. ALSO IT MAKES ROCKS.
ORIHIME: ON NOES, TENTACLES AND ROCKS? MY SHIELD CAN'T WITHSTAND THAT!
PRINCESS KASUMI: WHY DID I GET STUCK WITH THE ONE WITH NO ATTACK?
MAHN SERVANTE: WE'RE HERE TO RESCUE YOU.
ICHIGO: I'M HERE, TOO.
NINJA: THIS SUCKS, I'M NO LONGER MAKING ROCKS BUT JUST GOING TO IMPOTENTLY SWING AROUND THIS GIANT SWORD-THING.
ICHIGO: I WIN!
NINJA: ::SUDDENLY, ROCKS!::
ICHIGO: I LOSE!
MAHN SERVANTE: BEHOLD MY AWESOME POWER! ::HIS SWORD COVERS IN BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS::
ICHIGO: UM... THIS SEEMS... UM... REALLY... USEFUL...
NINJA: :FLOWERS ALL OVER HIS SWORDTHING::
MAHN SERVANTE: BEHOLD MY TRUE POWER!
ICHIGO: I GUESS THIS IS USEFUL?
ORHIME: THIS IS THE BEST POWER IN THE WORLD.
NINJA: ::ATTACKS::
MAHN SERVANTE: BUT IT LASTS FOR LIKE 5 SECONDS. NOW, BEHOLD MY REAL, TRUE POWER! ::HE THROWS PETALS AT THE NINJA::
ICHIGO: YOU ARE JUST FULL OF SURPRISES, AREN'T YOU?
MAHN SERVANTE: ::RUNS AWAY::
NINJA: ::KEEPS ATTACKING::
ICHIGO: THIS IS LAME, JUST, I DON'T KNOW, DIE OR SOMETHING.
NINJA: ::DIES OF LAME::
PRINCESS KASUMI: THERE WE GO, PERFECT.
MAHN SERVANTE: IT'S SO WONDERFUL TO SERVE YOU! I'M GOING TO CRY! ::HE DOES::
PUNCH ROCKGROIN: ::WEEPS::

KAKASHI FROM NARUTO: FOR THE LOVE OF MIKE, ANOTHER ONE DIED. THIS SUCKS.

MAHN SERVANTE: ICHIGO WAKE UP! ::BREAKS THROUGH WINDOW::
PUNCH ROCKGROIN: ::ALSO BREAKS THROUGH WINDOW::
ICHIGO: GOOD GOD WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, MY DAD?

END OF EPISODE

NEXT EPISODE: GIN? KIRA? A SPECTRAL CAT? SOUL SOCIETY?

OMAKE: THE SHINIGAMI MEN'S CLUB ENTERTAINS MORE CELLPHONE IDEAS FROM KIRA (A FOX THAT LOOKS LIKE GIN?) AND UKETAKE (CELLPHONE ON A STICK?). THE BEST DESIGN IS HAD BY IBA. BUT YOU CANNOT SEE IT BECAUSE OF HIS MASSIVELY VEINY ARM.