We stopped at the Sudden Service station on Lebanon Road (near Donelson) today for fuel since the husband had noticed it was $3.87 ... the cheapest we've seen in awhile now. After waiting in line for several minutes; with others cutting line and being inconsiderate, we finally pulled up to the pump only to be approaced immediately with tales of how the facing traffic had been waiting 15-20 minutes. Well we had too. The pumps were running EXTREMELY slow; apparently an effect of the constant onslought of consumers we were later told. Tempers were short, we were witness to no less than 5 dissagreements while there. One lady had gone in to grabn a drink and the person in front of her was talking about rolling her car out into traffic since it was in the way... the lady wasn't even done pumping her gas yet! When I went in to use the ladies room (while the husband was pumping the fuel) I asked if they had had any actual fights yet. I was only mildly surprised by the answer of many, some have been bad according to the attendant. One guy was beaten and had fuel sprayed into his eyes when another thought he jumped line.

We are truly going to hell in a handbasket. We will not be going to that station again anytime soon, regardless of the savings. The risk to life and limb just isn't worth it!

badass portrait of me by smith banfield

is heading to watah the burn out contest.

Why can't people just be nice to me today?
Apparently it is not my turn.


EDIT: GAAAAAAAAH JUST HUSH! HUSH!
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!1111

its saturday. yesterday was one of the worst days ever. like 5 hours total on the bus. then i was sleepy and hungry by the time i got to set. thennnn they used me in the first shot and i was supposed to be happy. yeah fuckin right. then it turned out to be a long day with some of the most annoying people on the planet. i dont wanna see those people ever again. thank gawd they mostly only work that show. crew seemed alright, but i just cant take that place so i hope i never get booked on it again cause i just might cancel. seriously, up at 3 to get there by 9:30. i was an hour early cause that bus runs once an hour so it was be late or early. then my bus stopped running so i had to walk to another stop hoping that bus was gonna get me home. it had to be 11something when i left, and it was 2am by the time i got home. plus the crazy asshole regulars on that show. and they expect me to buy my own lunch? not a chance im gonna do that to myself again. rather slit my wrists.

oh also last night i had the worst fuckin headache. glad it was gone when i woke up. had a feeling the day was gonna suck pretty bad but i just kept tellin myself that its friday.

mad men on monday and tuesday. hope its most of the secretaries that were there last time and few of the new ones tat started this season. think im lucky to have gotten on as a secretary cause i guess they only use most background once but because i work in the office i get to come back. and if i were an actress i guess because they give the secretaries lines sometimes. think thats why everyone loves working it so much. i know one girl says she never does background and never will for any other show, shes just there hoping to get some lines. oh well, hope my beloved pete will be there, *teehee*. HAHAHA. anyway, check out how crisp his words are.

HAHAHAHHAASFDMJAFSDMAHFSGD!#@!#@!$#@!@#!


(i dont watch tv but i think the stuff surrounding it is she had sex with him just before he got married, the gun was something he bought himself to feel more like a man, and she got knocked up from the first time they had sex and i think has more sex with him even after he told her about the marriage. anyway, that was pretty funny. i actually laughed out loud.)

With a sufficient temporal distance between myself and my Oral Greek Examination (that sounds kind of even more creepy than it actually is), I feel safe enough to finally write about it.

It was everything I feared it to be.
I got a text that gave me nothing but wasn't impossible either.
I didn't mess the reading up all too badly.
I delivered an understandable translation that was, as Blouse Woman later called it, "pretty".
And I couldn't answer half her questions.

I could see that she was noticing that my answers were pretty much non-answers or it-would-make-sense-if-it-were-this-oh-it-actually-is-how-nice-I-had-no-idea answers. And she seemed disappointed. She kept trying, however, and I felt awful because I couldn't deliver.

When I came back into the room, she was perfectly nice, and she said that she was "suprised" from my exam because my written tests (both the real exam and the test exams) had all been "very good". Probably read: "I'm really disappointed in you. All flash and no substance, eh?"
But, her being her being too shy and nice to be allowed, she went on saying that the point of learning a language was understanding and translating a text, and I could obviously do that, as all my translations had been done "very nicely", and the point was not to be able to rattle off grammar, and I was lucky I had such a talent for languages as to be able to do this. And then she sent me on my way with a 3-4 for my Oral Exam, a 2 for my end note and "Well, apparently you mustn't think while you're translating."
I've never heard anyone making a meanness sound so nice. 
Does that make it even meaner or not? A friend said that yes, it does. Personally, I can't decide.

just got done walking a lot further than planned. Time to resume sitting by the car.

is watching Jeff with a crowd of people around his car constantly.

long overdue foodporn. 


Chocolate fudge muffins with fudgy centres





_____________________________________________________________________________

Mushroom Stew(???) with tossed red potatoes





next mission, good ole' chocolate chip cookies! and maybe apple crumble.
i want time to appeear out of no where NOW.

the thing is, this issue of how i approach my recovery from knee surgery touches on deep fears and questions about who i am and how i survive in this world and what matters to me. every few years i've had a knee surgery. these surgeries have upended my life each time, and i've struggled and fought and learned and grown. now i feel resentful that anyone could presume to know more than i do about how to recover from a knee surgery. nobody who hasn't known me for the past seven years, or read all of my zines, or had a big long heart to heart with me, can understand that this isn't just about how i spend my next six months. there is so much baggage that comes with having a knee surgery and recovering from it and becoming active again, and it all informs and muddles me and makes this situation a million times more complicated than a simple dichotomy of caring for myself vs. rushing it.

it all starts with the decision i made at age 15 not to pursue a career as a professional dancer. i was never at peace with this choice. but when i had my first knee injury, 2001, i had to struggle with it even more. (a) okay so if i were a professional dancer right now instead of in college this would have totally fucked up my career. so it's kind of good i'm in college yes? (b) my PTist says i could get back to dance in 6 mos but since it's not my career, i should give it a year. WTF i can't get taken seriously. (c) okay fine i won't be a dancer. it's too hard. why bother. i already gave it up, really, five years ago. i can do other stuff.

for years after that surgery i struggled with my identity as a dancer/mover. part of me wanted dance so bad, and at the same time i felt that there was no going back, that i'd closed that door behind me and i had to move on. i wasn't active and i was depressed and i knew that dance was important to my heart but i still didn't understand that not dancing or moving was contributing to my depression.

within a couple years i was just beginning to re-establish an identity for myself as a dancer, finding a way to dance and enjoy it and not be a professional and be OK with that. then i needed a second knee surgery.

after that one, i said, again, forget dance. it will be there for me if i want it in five or ten years but i'm not going to push myself to get back to it. it's not worth it.

then i discovered circus. i found a way to move again. i came out of depression. i wasn't in the world of dance so i could shed a lot of the old baggage around "being a dancer" or not and the right way to do it. but i was still feeding my dance-hunger. and i got to be a professional dancer, in a way, after all.

cue more knee surgeries.

see, i know how to recover from knee surgery without rushing it. it doesn't work for me.

this time it's different, of course. i am part of a group that wants me back, that's waiting for me. i have an identity that i can embrace, a relationship to movement and my body that i embrace. you can understand why i want to hurry back to all these things. why i'm scared knee surgery will make me lose them.

obviously i'm engaging in some black-and-white thinking here: either i rush back to what i love or i'll lose it. i guess my challenge this time is to find the gray area and feel safe in it.

I found this site via nevers . Sounded like a good idea so I did the initial test. I've been neglecting upper body conditioning almost entirely for the past year and, I could only do five consecutive push ups. Sounded like an even better idea after that.
So, here I go with week one. In six weeks , I should be able to do one hundred consecutive push ups. Anyone want to join me?

 Я такая какая есть, у меня своя любовь, свои отношения, я не пью, не курю и не меряюсь силой. Я стараюсь слушать себя. Естественно, что я довольно далека от основной части народа.

I'll ellaborate later but this is probably our last year at the summer nationals. It's so poorly run and we just end up frustrated.

is ready. Letting the sitting commense.

В четверг вечером состоялось закрытие феста, я приехала домой, поспала два часа,быстро собрала сумку, а наутро уже была в аэропорту, чтобы лететь в Башкирию. Молодые здесь курят и пьют водку, старшие строго наказывают их за это, я наблюдаю за всем немножко со стороны и держу слово никого не сдавать, а вообще, такая нормальная, реальная жизнь, где люди общаются на множестве языков, много едят, занимаются спортом, побеждают на соревнованиях, любят, дружат, ссорятся, лихо празднествуют, короче, живут. Просто, понятно, чисто конкретно, можно сказать, по понятиям. А Макс не поступил в РГГУ. И это факт. И я приехала Башкирию во многом затем, чтобы встретиться с собой такой, какая я есть. Завтра планирую ухе поехать в башкирский крутой Красноусольский санаторий, чтобы поправлять здоровье.Надеюсь, там у меня получится отдохнуть от этих суеты и многоязычия. Надеюсь, что там будет спокойно и тихо, у меня там будет возможность найти ответы на многие вопросы, разобраться в себе. А о каждом из вас я помню. И поэтому буду рада даже одному слову от вас. Пишите:)).

Right, I'm off now into darkest Leicestershire for the purposes of partying.

I know some of you are doing so elsewhere, at events where I might reasonably have been expected to attend (Leeds, London) -- I hope you all have a good time, and manage to cope without me.

thinks car craft is the most unorganized car show ever and it just gets worse every year.

I've been Wordling again, on this occasion using the text of three poems I wrote a while ago from the POV of Hawkeye Pierce from M*A*S*H.

is off to a slightly earlier start today.

We wanted to check out Fire Mountain (a buffet place) for dinner, but they close at 10pm and it was 9, so we ended up at Frank's Press Box chowing down on cheesy, yummy, totally unhealthy pizza.

I wanted to pick up a pair of beater shoes at Walmart. Don't laugh. I got a pair of their Ozark Trail hiking shoes 3 years ago and they're just now wearing out. Pick a sturdy pair there, make sure to buy a $10 insole with arch support to put in them, and you can walk out of there with the strongest, comfiest shoes you ever wore (and not bad looking) for $20-30 tops. Anyway, that plan was foiled when our nearby Wallyworld didn't have anything in a size 12 or 13 except for mega-sized moon hiking boots. Guess we'll have to check the store on the other side of town. In Michigan, it pays to have a reliable pair of shoes you can beat to hell in the rainy / snowy months.

Looks like the Lansing Lugnuts had a nutpunch from fate too today. Their domain is currently down, pointing to Network Solutions with the explanation that it has expired. Oops. You know, when my domain is about to expire, I get numerous e-mail notifications from PairNIC. The Lugnuts domain re-direct page has been up for a couple days now. Does the guy responsible for maintaining LansingLugnuts.com not visit the site every day?

Renewing a domain isn't hard or costly. I just re-upped FrankProvo.com for 6 more years by following a link in an e-mail I was sent, logging in, and providing a credit card on a secure page. If I, a job-seeking wordsmith that doesn't make a dime from his web space, can keep his domain going, I'd hope a minor league baseball team would hire someone that could do the same.

That reminds me... I need to remember to e-mail Topps about a suggestion I had for the 2008 Allen & Ginter set. Seriously, what I have in mind is so important to me and (I think) to the hobby that I'm actually going to endeavor to find the proper people and follow-up with them.

I went to a party dressed as The Who's "Glittering Girl".



Complete with dollar sign gold necklace. <3

Conor went as "dude looks like a lady".

a performance artist in union square station was doling out affection. she loved me for a second.

jo just passed. an hour after the last thing i wrote.

I have an unending desire to write soliloquies in honor of my Love, but each time after only a few sentences I stop and erase the entire thing. I feel unequal to the task of spelling out my happiness, I fear there are no words unique enough to express it. So many before me have organized their thoughts along more eloquent lines. The perfect expression of my love would be quiet, profound, timeless, and with a wry humor that reflects the comedy inherent in joy. You see, I know how I want the words to fall about me, but not what the words themselves should be.

And then, often when I erase my words it is because I am afraid that I am making myself a braggart. How can I properly be at once proud of my love, and also humbled to be part of this gift we are giving each other? But how can I think of being proper when my love for you is so immoderate? I love you recklessly and with a joyful abandon! Still, mere words fall short of expressing this. I could repeat a million times "I am so happy", "I am so in love", "You are so wonderful", "We were made for each other", and while no less true they all fall short of what I wish to express. How can I express the seeming contradiction of an almost unbearable lightness coupled with a profound sense of peace? How can I put words to something greater than speech?

What else could be so simple, so perfect even in all imperfections, so beloved as thou?

Current Mood: beloved

(CNN) -- A New Zealand judge has made a 9-year-old girl a ward of the court so that her name can be changed from Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii, the country's national news agency reported Thursday.

Family Court Judge Rob Murfitt listed a series of unusual names that New Zealand parents had given their children, and said he was concerned that such strange monikers would create hurdles for them as they grew up.

"It makes a fool of the child and sets her up with a social disability and handicap," the New Zealand Press Association quoted the judge as saying.

Among the names Murfitt cited: twins named Benson and Hedges -- after a brand of cigarettes; Violence; and Number 16 Bus Shelter.

Some parents had named children after six-cylinder Ford cars, the news agency reported.

The Registrar General of Births, Deaths and Marriages said in a statement that it had rejected names including Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, Stallion, Twisty Poi -- a staple food in Polynesian cuisine -- and Sex Fruit.

A lawyer for Talula Does the Hula From Hawaii said the girl is so embarrassed by her name that friends know her as "K."

Last month, a judge in the U.S. state of Illinois allowed a school bus driver to legally change his first name to "In God" and his last name to "We Trust."

But an appeals court in the state of New Mexico ruled against a man -- named Variable -- who wanted to change his name to a two-word phrase that contains a four-letter expletive and expresses opposition to censorship.

The husband and I are headed out to Cafe Coco's. I know it's late but if anyone wants to drop by you are welcome :)

is more than ready for bed. Another early morning for car showing action.

I know I lied.........
but there is now cirque du soleil ringtones at the cirque boutique!
and I have 2.5 weeks till I go back to school.
edit
I looked it up and I am pretty sure its just wallpapers

thinks batman was good but it didn't change my life.

jo is unconsious. she might be dying. i regret never going to record her in her home. most amazing life i've ever heard about.
she's so cute. 102 years old now. i call her shaking and she answers so cheerfully as usual.
"i supposed you heard what happened. i busted my hip.. it's nothing. how are you?"
"i love you."
she laughs at me. gives the phone to my dad and says; "now that i've heard from simone i can happily go into surgery!"
now she's unconscious.
we had a moment in the car, we smiled in reminiscence. known both of us since infancy.
a spirit bearing innocence and strength forever smiling inside of us.

"Come, gentle night, come, loving, black-brow'd night,
Give me my Romeo; and, when I shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night
And pay no worship to the garish sun.
O, I have bought the mansion of a love,
But not possess'd it, and, though I am sold,
Not yet enjoy'd"
-Juliet, "Romeo and Juliet", Shakespeare
Act 3, Scene 2

Sorry, I just can't stop.

has found the husband and we're going to see batman.

has some how lost her husband in the mad dash to get out of the fair grounds before the hail started.

“But then they danced down the streets like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I’ve been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes ‘Awww!’”
-On the Road, Jack Kerouac


Contemplating life.
I find that is commonplace for me; it's my neutral setting, contemplation. When I'm off I'm asleep and when I'm on I'm moving without thinking at all, because if I allow myself to think and move one invariably trips over the other and tries to take charge, resulting in the downshift into neutral or overheat of movement, feet flailing over head into the dust.

No matter how fun it may be for me to party constantly, as I've been doing the past week, or just be with friends all the time, it really isn't in my character to be that way. My skin crawls, and while I can drop a quick quip into conversation faster than most, I generally don't have any desire. I understand now why I made myself the hermit in school.

Art was my friend when I had none and literature is the hollow I hide myself from friends in.

I prefer when I can hold intelligent conversations about life and books and the world, but I also enjoy when I don't have to measure myself up against others because the people I'm with don't process in that manner, for lack of better explanation. I wonder if what I want to find in the world is someone just like me, or someone that completely challenges my thinking and forces me to go without it; someone that flies by the seat of their pants.

I'd like to comfortably sit in silence, enjoying the silence in all the ways that it isn't awkward, in all the ways that it's forgiving, but not the alone silence rather the "I-know-you're-next-to-me-and-we-could-be-talking-but-instead-I-prefer-to-hear-you-breathe" silence. Notably, I don't ache for it. I just know I won't settle until it occurs.



I hope I have a lifetime of experiences to not speak in that silence.

http://www.omnomnomnom.com/index.php

http://www.pixievisionproductions.com/gallery/cirqueberzerk072308

Pictures from the Premier of my show "Beneath"

I guess the job hunt has begun. I'd like to say I was straight up valiant today, but with a bum foot and trouble getting to sleep last night, all I have to report is a disappointing trip to Michigan Works and a resume submitted to a local cup manufacturer. Yep, they make cups. But the job I applied for involves scanning documents... I do like cups though.

A trip to the clothing store and mall was also mostly uneventful, except for the shoe buying adventure. I knew my foot was swollen, but I didn't really have a good idea of how much until I tried on some shoes at Foot Locker. Yeah, my right foot is a 12. My left is a 14. I couldn't finish tying the left shoe! Sooo... I ended up buying a snazzy pair of all black Nikes (they look dressy-ish, even), but they're a 12, which means they won't be comfortable until my left foot shrinks a bit.

Go go, Bigfoot shrinkage!

Maybe I really, really, really shouldn't be walking on it? Like, perhaps... just, perhaps... perhaps I'm undoing everything by walking on it after a day of rest. I've got a big ol' clown foot!

Oh well, at least I have some snazzy new shirts, slacks, and shoes for the job interview process. I'm dead sexy, don'cha know. Actually, Cindy knows. Carly, knows, too. I tell them both every day *grin*

... and yes, I bought 5 loose packs of '08 Allen & Ginter at the mall. I have the fever. Pulled an Andre Either autograph card and a limited historical icons mini of Romulus & Remus. Nothing earth shaking, but interesting. Also, just FYI, I bet Cindy lunch that the gyp shop in the mall would be selling boxes for $129. I was close: $120.

I just gotta pin them down long enough to work out which one.

We'll write a letter and your GP will give you a repeat prescription for buspirone, the shrinks said. I said, are you sure this is gonna work? I said, he's not gonna like it. I said, will I have to make an appointment to talk to him about it? I said, is he gonna do something incredibly stupid and mess them up? You'll just pick it up like a normal prescription, they said. It'll be fine, they said. I privately decided I'd believe that when I saw it, but okay.

So today, a fortnight later, I go to pick up my new prescription from the GP. And instead of picking it up as normal, I get to sit in the waiting room getting increasingly agitated and not knowing what the hell's going on. Then the GP calls me into his office and says he doesn't know what's going on, but he told the shrinks I'd have to get it from them, and he can't help me. NOBODY BOTHERED TO TELL ME THIS. I had to go to work then, but I phoned the CMHT on the way, and the earliest they can get me a prescription is Tuesday morning. And I couldn't talk to anyone who might know what'd gone wrong, or who could tell me what we're gonna do in the long term. The woman I spoke to didn't seem to be taking it particularly seriously, and actually used the phrase "well, if your GP's not having it, you're out of luck..." Clue: don't say that to an angry depressed person. It makes us want to kill ourselves. Also I told her what meds I was on, dosage and all, and when she phoned me back (an hour later than she said she would) she was all "you're not on risperidone, you're on buspirone." And I'm like, yes, that's what I SAID. Jesus, mental health treatment 101: shut the fuck up and actually listen to what the damn patient is saying.

My GP said he contacted the CMHT. The CMHT said he didn't. Obviously, one of them is forgetful or lying.

Hey kids, what are my two major triggers? What have I specifically told these people upsets me more than anything, and what have I asked for help with more than any trivial crap like self-harm or hallucinations? Well, the first one is when I can't get the treatment I need without a huge fight I don't have the energy for. And the second one is relapses that just remind me I'm never gonna be okay. Right now, I feel like shit. I feel like I was an idiot to think it could be getting better. I feel like it's never going to.

Also, the half-life on buspirone is pathetic, a few hours. And damn, I'm noticing. Pretty much everything it fixed is creeping back.

missdeathmetal - damn right I'll be making a complaint this time.

Current Mood: crappy

Huzzaaah!!! I forgot my shoes again today. But this time I didn't have any extra in my car. Switching cars so much is confusing. Also, I was really excited about this being the last day I have to work this week. I kind of just flipped out when I realized and ran out the door.
Anyways, my mom was super awesome and brought me some shoes. <3

Also, ashaa and james are super awesome. James said he'd fixx0rz my car.

I look nuts and haggard, originally uploaded by lizzelizzel.

and haggard.

This is disappointing news.

And that's after this site stopped updating a while ago.

http://community.livejournal.com/blackfolk/6382476.html?view=121810060#t121810060

I couldn't stop laughing at some of those comments.
Negro Wonka.

No, let me say it again: NEGRO WONKA!

Wrong but funny, just like my normal sense of humor. Hehehehehehe. I tried to comment but unfortunately: "Sorry, you are not a member of blackfolk, and commenting is restricted to members only." ...which also had me laughing. :)

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

Current Mood: annoyed

Sometimes J manages to remind me, without saying a word, why I've stayed with him for this long. Last week he emailed me that he wanted to buy tickets for something but wouldn't tell me what it was. Of course I agreed to go because I'm adventurous like that, and promptly went out to buy A Little Black Dress in celebration of potential fun surprises.
So last night after work he picks me up and we cruise downtown.
You know what was going on down there besides ComiCon? That's right Phantom of The Opera.

Ultimate. Win.

It was beautiful, though not quite as I remembered it (it was my 2nd time seeing it onstage, and I've read the various books/seen the movies). It also made me miss ballet. There was much weeping on my part, and who left her handkerchief at home? That's right. [I have four awesome silk Japanese handkerchiefs, btw, but mainly they are for decorative purposes and are usually forgotten.] So intermission was the only time available to get up and go get a tissue. The cast received a full standing ovation, and it was one of those times where you could tell everybody was just having a great time.

All in all, a wonderful night with a wonderful guy. :))))

FISH PEDICURE!

Current Mood: wot?

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

Nothing important to say other than I am very hot because our cooling is on the fritz and it's humid. Plus I am intensely craving chocolate, particularly something cold and chocolate.

Current Mood: hot