Baby-sitters Club Snark-fest!

#54 -- Mallory and the Dream Horse

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 10:44:28 GMT

Oh, poor unfortunate Mallory. You can't get a nose job. You have to buy your own clothes. Your parents make you do chores and baby-sit your idiot siblings without pay. You have really horrible hair. Nobody likes you. When you finally find something that you like, you suck at it. You should just give up at life.

Book number 54 is simply another chapter in the unfortunate life of Mallory Pike. In this ... err... questionable piece of writing, she learns to ride horses, then falls in love with a horse, and is bullied by her peers in horse class. Oh well, at least she doesn't look too deformed on the cover for a change.

This is my first snark, so please be kind. ^_^

CHAPTER ONE:
This book opens with Claire running around Mallory's bedroom with her pet 'mop', Noodle, while Mallory and Jessi are reading 'Misty of FUCKING Chincoteague' for the millionth time. Mallory is forced to put her book down and make Claire have a nap, because even though her parents are home, they're totally not interested in looking after their six-year-old. Instead, they let 'Martyr' Mallory deal with it.

After putting Claire to bed, Mallory and Jessi have a fun conversation about 'their dream horse'. It's times like these that they actually *act* their age. Mallory says she wants a smart horse that will save her if she, for example, breaks her foot in the woods. Jessi wants a hose that will do 'cute things' like count to ten with his hoof. I'm sure you could possibly read some sort of psychology stuff into this; any ideas?

Anyway, I digress. Mallory says, after awhile, that she wants to be Sara Crewe (from 'A Little Princess') and have her own horse. That's stupid. I mean, can't they think of a better example to use here? If you'll all remember correctly, Sara Crewe's life ends up being just a bit more shit than Mallory's; her dad dies and she has to live in an attic and that pony she has ends up going to live with someone else. But I'm starting to think that Mallory likes to suffer, so perhaps this is an apt example after all.

The rest of the chapter is just boring stuff to show us how UTTERLY CRAZY the Pike family is. We already knew that. Gosh. But I have to ask again: WHERE ARE THE PARENTS WHILE NICKY IS WRESTLING FRODO, THE HAMPSTER?!?!?!

CHAPTER TWO:
Malllory goes to get the mail and finds a brochure for a new horse-riding school in Stoneybrook. This brings her such joy that she 'clutches the brochure to her chest and spins in a circle'. I'm not even going to point out how lame that is.

The usual 'about-the-BSC' stuff follows. Fun things that jumped out at me while I was reading: Claudia calls Stacey the 'Queen of Dibbleness', which is the BSC's word for 'ultra-cool'. I think it's been pointed out about fifty thousand times, but 'dibble' is about THE most uncool word I've ever heard in my entire life. It's when the girls say things like 'dibble' that I realise they really are just a bunch of stupid teenagers living in small-town America.

When Mallory gets to the meeting, all she can think about is riding lessons. She stops paying attention to Cult proceedings and dreams about her and Jessi taking riding lessons together. Kristy makes a lame joke about Mallory saddling up her horse and heading back to the corrall, and everybody laughs (possibly because they fear retribution from K.Ron, I don't know.)

CHAPTER THREE:
In which an eleven-year-old baby-sits a four-year-old and a two-year-old. Whatever. So, Mallory's sitting for the Marshalls, and it turns out Nina's just started preschool, and seems kinda emo about it. Apparently, it's because Nina likes to take her blanket, 'Blankey' to preschool with her, and the other four-year-olds (!!!) tease her about it. Surely she's not the only FOUR-YEAR-OLD at her playschool who brings stuffed toys/a blanket with her to school? Does Ann M. Martin REALLY have that much trouble writing believable children? (See also: Gabbie Perkins, a forty-year-old trapped in a much, much younger body.)

Just out of curiosity, does Blankie appear in any other BSC books, or was it just a plot contrivance for this one?

Mrs. Marshall comes home and pays Mallory, but Mallory doesn't say anything to Mrs. Marshall about Nina's problem... mostly because the BSC likes to handle the problems of all their clients' children. However, Mallory doesn't talk about this with the BSC during their meeting this afternoon- instead, she discusses her convoluted 'strategy' to get her parents to let her take horse riding lessons.

CHAPTER FOUR:
Blah blah Pike craziness. However, the Pike parents actually do a bit of parenting for a change, breaking up a kicking war between Nicky and Margo (although they banish Nicky to the 'other end of the kitchen' and Margo ends up in tears, which does make me wonder somewhat about their parenting skills.)

After Mallory helpfully cleans up Claire's spilt milk (SERIOUSLY, SHE'S SIX, CAN'T SHE CLEAN UP HER OWN MILK? Is it really that hard?) she broaches the subject of the riding lessons with her parents. She even makes herself a large timetable on a poster board and presents it to her parents, in an attempt to make them take her seriously. Her father chuckles at this; I think it's because he realises, at this point, what an idiot his eldest child is. Mallory takes his mirth as him being pleased with her organisational skills. Sure, Mal, whatever you say...

She launches into this spiel about her timetable, putting special emphasis on her duties at home (i.e., slave labour). Her parents readily agree to let her take riding lessons, then make her pay half. Um, yeah, because the dollar fifty Mallory makes every week will obviously help pay for expensive lessons.

Mallory runs upstairs to call Jessi and see if she was able to con her parents into letting her take riding lessons. Jessi's parents tell her she can't take lessons because she already has a full extra-curricular timetable. Jessi can't even be happy for Mallory, even though for once in her life, Mallory actually gets to do something fun with her spare time, instead of scrubbing the floors or sleeping outside.

At the end of the chapter, the Pike kids decide to hold a stupid neighbourhood activity- a TALENT SHOW! Yeah, like that hasn't been done to death. Mallory can't stop thinking about how sad Jessi must be because she can't take riding lessons. She actually feels sorry for Jessi, who later acts like a spoilt brat. Ugh.

CHAPTER FIVE:
This chapter opens with a stereotypical English woman with a clipped accent introducing herself to the class. Her name is Lauren Kendall, and she's neatly decked out in expensive-looking horseriding threads. Mallory instantly develops a crush on this woman. (I just know that in high school or university, Mallory is going to act like a lesbian in an attempt to get some guy's attention. I CAN FEEL IT.) She spends a couple of paragraphs fawning over Lauren's appearance, and it's all a bit creepy. Mallory vows to be JUST LIKE LAUREN when she grows up.

So, the kids are all clopping around the ring with their horses, and one girl TOTALLY makes a snide comment about Mallory's outfit, because Mallory is wearing a red plaid shirt and jeans, as opposed to an 'English Riding Habit'. Mallory was told while organising the lessons with Lauren that a riding habit was the reccommended attire for the class, but because Mallory's family is super poor, she had to make do with whatever was in her (and her dad's) wardrobe. Because Mallory is always an outsider in life, she's the only riding student not decked out in a riding habit. This seems a tad unrealistic to me- it's insinuated that all the other kids in the class have a ton of money to spend on these pursuits. How many rich people does Stoneybrook have?

More boring trotting ensues until Mallory spots the titular 'DREAM HORSE', who is a white Arabian. Lauren interrupts Mallory's daydream with more technical horse-riding stuff (she mentions 'rocking your pelvis forward and back', which made me literally giggle, because I am utterly immature)

After the lesson is finished, Mallory gets to do her favourite activity: cleaning and grooming. Whatever. Does she really need to take horse-riding lessons to learn how to comb knots out of a horse's mane? Can't she just practice on her own hair? OH SNAP! She continues to fap over the white horse (who goes by the name of Pax), before it's time for her to head home.

Once she's home, she rings up Jessi and tells her that Lauren Kendall is 'beautiful'. (Total crush.) Mallory continues to gush about her day, until Jessi acts like a little bitch and hangs up on Mallory. OMG, WHY CAN'T SHE JUST BE HAPPY FOR MALLORY FOR A CHANGE? MALLORY'S LIFE SUCKS! So now Mallory's all confused and like 'zomgah, did I piss Jessi off? Whut whut?' Apparently it's not "like Jessi to be rude", but I beg to differ.

CHAPTER SIX:
Another lame baby-sitting chapter. This time, Jessi is babysitting for the Marshalls. I'm not even going to try and decode her notebook entry.

Not much happens, except Nina tells Jessi that she's being teased, but for some unknown reason Jessi decides to wait and talk to the BSCult before broaching the subject with Mrs. Marshall. Jessi, for God's sake, do you really need to talk to the BSC about every. little. thing. you. do? Are you unable to make simple decisions about things without discussing it with a group of irritating thirteen-year-olds?

Later, a few of the Pike kids turn up, because they're holding auditions for their stupid talent show. I really can't believe the Pike parents are letting four children under the age of eight wander around a neighbourhood letting themselves into people's houses to hold talent show auditions... but then again, this *is* bizarro world. Instead of asking Nina to audition, the Pikes simply show off their own talents, which include death-defying stunts like the wheelbarrow (how on earth is that a talent?), sliding down a slide without using hands (... what?) and totally failing at juggling. (Oh, Claire, you ARE a silly-billy-goo-goo!)

I suppose these lame stunts are supposed to be all endearing , but really they just demonstrate how utterly talentless every child in Stoneybrook actually is (except for the Perkins girls.)

CHAPTER SEVEN:
Mallory gets to ride Pax in her next riding lesson. Oh glee. She's super excited, but her happy mood is dampened when a girl called Allison tells her "I thought we were supposed to wear proper riding attire for this class." Allison is described as having frizzy hair and braces, so I don't know why she's being so bitchy- surely her and Mallory are kindred spirits. But still... I have to admire her for actually SPEAKING HER MIND, because nobody ever says anything controversial in Stoneybrookland, they always just skirt around being bitchy and act all passive-aggressive.

Mallory totally doesn't stand up for herself though. Boring. Instead, she watches the other kids in the ring, all of whom are wearing proper riding attire, and feels uneasy- until Pax nudges her with his nose, and Mallory thinks this is his way of saying "You're as good as they are, get in there and let them know that." (Well, sry to say Mallory, but you'll soon learn that you suck at riding, as well as everything else.)

During the lesson, Mallory holds one-sided conversations with two other kids- Kyle and Megan- then eagerly gets their phone numbers, suggesting that they "catch up later in the week." She's trying way too hard at this, and neither of the kids pay any attention to her. We all know how this is going to turn out.

While talking to Megan, Mallory observes that she "must know more about horse discipline than I did", because Megan keeps calling her horse stupid and dumb. Whatever, Mallory.

After the class, Mallory thinks she's made some new friends, even though none of them really spoke to her during the class. She then gets chatting to this guy named David, and it's pretty amusing. It speaks for itself:

"Your name's David, isn't it?" I said as I ran the brush across Pax's broad back. When the boy nodded yes, I continued, "Well, I don't know if I told you last week, but my name's Mallory Pike. I go to Stoneybrook Middle School."
"Oh?"
I took that to mean he was still interested in talking. So for the next five minutes I rattled on nonstop. I told him about my family, my best friend, and the Baby-Sitters Club.
"Jessi and I have seen practically every horse movie ever made," I said, carefully pulling a few tangles out of Pax's mane. "My friends say I'm horse-crazy. Which is why I wanted to take this class." It suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't let him squeeze a word into the conversation.

That's enough to put *anyone* off being her friend.

Once she gets home, Mallory rings Jessi, and gets the cold shoulder again. God, Jessi is totally a high maintenance friend. After hanging up, Mallory has an internal bitch about her ex-best friend, thinking about her new friends from riding camp. She decides to ring one of them, then realises she doesn't have any of their phone numbers. Oh yeah, and none of them bother to ring her at all during the week. Gee, I wonder why?

CHAPTER EIGHT:
So, it's a week later, and Mallory's at horse-riding class again. Kyle and David totally ignore her, then Mallory gets assigned a difficult horse called Gremlin, and then she falls off the horse. I love this bit: I lay on the ground in a daze, vaguely aware of the pounding horses and their riders struggling to avoid stepping on me. I love how absolutely NOBODY bothers to even ask if she's alright- they just walk around her like she's a rock or something.

Lauren rings Mrs. Pike, who actually comes to pick her daughter up. They head to the hospital- the emergency room, no less. Way to use up national resources on something pointless! Although, you DO have eight children, so I suppose using up national resources is a pastime of yours...

When they get to the hospital, Mallory's doctor turns up in his golfing outfit, which sounds like something Claudia would wear- bright yellow pants, an electric-blue shirt, and a visor. It turns out there is absolutely nothing wrong with Mallory. Did they really need to go to the emergency room to find that out?

Mallory returns to her horse riding lessons the next week, but is too scared to get on a horse, and hates everything. And Jessi still isn't speaking to her, nor are any of the kids in riding class. Oh, woe. HOWEVER, MALLORY IS GOING TO GET UP! SHE'S GOING TO GET BACK ON THAT HORSE AND PERSEVERE! That's our Mallory! She never, ever, EVER gives up!

CHAPTER NINE:
Another babysitting chapter... Claudia and Stacey are babysitting for the Pikes. Within the brief notebook entry at the beginning of the chapter, Claudia successfully misspells 'Looney Tons' (Looney Tunes), 'intire nayborhood preform' (entire neighbourhood perform) and 'laff' (laugh... and Stacey even spells it correctly for her in the previous sentence. Oh, Claudia. Are you sure you don't have a learning disability?)

So, the two girls have to watch the kids prepare for the big talent show, which has been christened 'Stars of Tomorrow'. It's the dress rehersal, so a whole bunch of kids show up in the yard and get ready to perform their talent. Hilarious hijinks ensue, rather predictably, as most of the kids fail miserably at their talents. There's a stupid moment where Vanessa asks all the kids in the yard to "lend her [their] ears" and one little girl in a tutu says "... we're supposed to give her our ears?"

The talents include tuba-playing (which is done by Sean Addison, who has been pushed into yet another after-school activity by his parents), showing off Pow (the Barretts, obviously), and baton-twirling (Hayley). While all this is going on, Mary Anne shows up with Nina and her blanket. Carrot the dog instantly begins to chew on Blankie, and Nina freaks out.

The chapter ends with the girls having a confidential chat about how evil Blankie is, and how a piece of material is stopping Nina from fully experiencing life, and acting waaay older than they actually should.

CHAPTER TEN:
Another monotonous horseriding lesson. Mallory learns, much to her horror, that they'll be participating in a riding show. Then a girl called Amber invites everyone to her birthday party. Mallory is super excited about this, thinking that it's her big chance to get in with the other kids. She goes home and tries to figure out what to wear. At first, she considers wearing a 'tie-dyed tights and a bright purple oversized t-shirt knotted at the bottom, with a big red belt' but ultimately goes with 'a gold-and-brown kilt, a gold cotton sweater, and penny loafers.' ... Mallory is such a try-hard.

Mallory heads to Amber's house for the party and once she gets there, she realises her outfit is all wrong. All the kids are wearing 'wacky bright clothes with spiked hair and tons of fun jewellery.' Meh. She spends two hours being a wallflower because nobody will talk to her, and because she looks like a fifty-something at some church function. She heads home early, then rings Jessi because she needs to hear somebody friendly for a change. Jessi totally brushes her off. God, I hate Jessi.

That night, Mallory dreams of strange people in riding boots eating mouthfuls of cake, and angry horses chasing her around swimming pools filled with punch. Mallory has a scary, scary mind.

CHAPTER ELEVEN:
The whole horseriding thing is nearly done. THANK GOD. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Sure, perhaps a nine or ten-year old who is going through a 'horse' phase would enjoy this book, but I've found it to be one of the more painful reading experiences I've had in a long time.

NOTHING of note happens in this chapter. I'm serious. Absolutely nothing interesting- it's just six pages of horse wank and emo Mallory goodness. Mallory fawns over Pax again (but she doesn't get to ride him this time), the students practice more riding techniques, and then they get to pick which horse they ride in the riding show. Of course, Mallory picks Pax because she has a major hard-on for him.

CHAPTER TWELVE:
Dawn babysits for Nina Marshall and DISASTER STRIKES. Mrs. Marshall has put Blankie in the dryer, and when Dawn goes to get the blanket out, she rips it to pieces. Way to go, stupid! Nina chucks a psycho and screams 'YOU KILLED MY BLANKET' before practically diving into the dryer to save the remnants of her precious blanket. Nina burns her hand, and continues to sob and scream. When Dawn goes to comfort Nina, Nina punches her in the shoulder and continues wailing.

Finally, after a moment, Dawn has a brainwave! She picks up a few pieces of the dismembered Blankie and says to Nina 'LOOK, NOW YOU CAN TAKE BLANKIE WITH YOU WHEREVER YOU GO' and Nina cheers up. This bit is actually kind of sweet, because Dawn gives Nina a hug and sticks a bit of Blankie in Nina's pocket and says 'He'll always be with you' and the sap in me goes 'AWWWWWWW.'

CHAPTER THIRTEEN:
Well, after that sweet moment, we return to our regularly scheduled Mallory Bitch Session. The girls are all at a BSC meeting and everyone thinks Dawn is a total genius because she thought of a use for Blankie's pieces. These girls are so easily impressed.

Oh, and there's a whole bunch of self-congratulatory bullshit as all the girls remember the various problems they've solved for children in Stoneybrook. Mallory even reminisces about Jessi learning sign language, to which Jessi signs 'Thanks for remembering that'... and Mallory understands her. Double WTF.

Claudia asks Mallory about the talent show (which is definitely an afterthought in this book... seriously, do we really need an A, B AND C plot? It's a tad superfluous.), then Stacey asks Mallory about the horse show. Mallory bursts into tears and the whole club has to comfort her. Apparently, it's always been Mallory's dream to live on a ranch with tons of horses and be a writer, and now she's confused 'cause she doesn't like horses anymore. Does this whole ranch thing ever show up in canon again?

After the meeting, Jessi and Mallory become BFFs again, and it turns out that Jessi was just super jealous because Mallory got to fulfill one of her predefined character traits and take riding lessons. They totes forgive each other, and Mallory promises to introduce Jessi to Pax, because Mallory "really wants [Jessi] to meet him." Is it just me or does Mallory seem like a bit of a Furry in this book?

CHAPTER FOURTEEN:
Finally, the big day arrives - the horse show is here! Lauren even shows up at Mallory's house to give her a REAL English Riding Habit! Apparently, an adult's riding habit can fit an eleven-year-old. Why don't these books ever seem to have a basis in reality? srsly?!

Mallory's nervous, so she gives Jessi a ring, and Jessi tells her to do some plies, because she knows "everything about warming up." Oh, and her voice "rings with authority", which really reminded me of a Sweet Valley High book, because that's exactly the kind of cliched bullshit that would appear in an SVH book.

The Pikes all head off to Kendallwood Farm, and Mallory dithers around the stables for two hours (though she calls it being "ding-y"... dingy?!) before it's time to go into the ring. For the first few minutes the students just walk around on their horses, until the judges pick six students to remain in the ring and do another walk. Surprisingly, Mallory is one of these six. Mallory doesn't fall off the horse and ultimately places sixth out of the six who remained in the ring, and sixth out of twelve. This proves that she is not, in fact, very good at horseriding.

After the competition is finished, Mallory meets up with her parents and friends in the stable. Her parents think she's really talented and offer to pay for her do to another horseriding course and Mallory is all like 'HALE NO.' She heads off to say her ~final goodbye~ to Pax, in a scene that brings Mallory to tears. Jessi finishes the chapter by acting like an extremely old woman and saying "You're so lucky to have known him, even if it was for a short time." I gag. END HORSERIDING CHAPTERS.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN:
OMFGYAY, It's time for the talent show! And, as per usual, about fifty million people- including adults- have turned up to witness another half-assed amateur event! Of course, it all goes to hell, because people forget their cues, Sean loses his tuba (how on earth do you lose a tuba?), Pow chases a cat, et cetra, et cetra. Of course, everyone thinks this is hilarious, and the talent show is a success.

#56 - Keep Out, Claudia! - Chapters 1-3

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 17:07:55 GMT

Chapter 1.

Like 92.6% of all Ann M.'s works, this book starts with a quote. I know you were expecting an ethnic slur, but we haven't gotten to that part yet. Claudia's sitting for the (non-racist) Rodowskys, where Shea is practicing some song on the piano. Jackie calls it "a doggie-o," which I assumed when I read this back in 1992 that it was some version of B-I-N-G-O, but I now know that he meant adagio, or slow-ish tempo. Ann M. doesn't bother explaining this to us or Claudia, who mentions that she's really gotten into Bach lately. Right.

Shea yells "Bullfrogs!" every time he screws up. Is this supposed to be a G-rated version of "bullshit"? I guess I can buy that. I use "Fudgesicles!" in front of my six-year-old stepson.

After a table and some other things are stereotypically destroyed, Archie and Jackie express a desire to play instruments too, which gives Claudia the perfect time to segue into an introduction. Clawdeeuh Keeshee, arett, gunck fud, Guhkneen iz smrt, babiecitteng iz funn, etseteruh. She drops a little trivia on us - Kristy and Jessi apparently "hoard their money like squirrels hoard acorns." I don't think this is ever mentioned in any other book, including the Kristy and Jessi-centric ones. I hate it when they do that. Mallory shares in Book #758 that Dawn's a huge Tony Curtis fan or Mary Anne loves Ethiopian food or something, and then it's never brought up again.

Claudia finishes up at the Rodowsky's and heads home to find Janine sitting on the front porch. She's locked herself out. I don't know why she didn't just MacGuyver a key out of some siding, but whatever. It's meetin' time!

Chapter 2.

Not going to bother too much with this one, except to point out that Claudia calls Logan "a really great guy" and says "he's sweet and very understanding of Mary Anne." In addition to being illiterate, Claudia is also evidently not a very good judge of character. I need cited examples of Logan being (a) great, (b) sweet and/or (c) understanding of anything besides his own selfish wants. Claudia, you sit on a throne of lies.

Here's where we not only learn of the club's inner workings and the members' incredibly esoteric backgrounds, but we get to the plot and subplot of the book: Claudia presents the idea of getting sitting charges involved in some sort of "musical performance project" and the Lowells call to book their first appointment with club. I'm really surprised that Kristy didn't raise seven layers of hell over Claudia coming up with an idea first. She probably seethed on the inside and took credit it for it later.

Chapter 3.

Mary Anne gets to see the good side of the Lowells, thanks to her Anglo-Saxon heritage. I'm kind of surprised Mrs. Lowell didn't suspect her of being Jewish, but she's probably good at discerning these things. She asks Mary Anne a few questions about her age and how long she's been sitting. I think it would have been a lot better if she took the Borat approach:

"You have plow experience? Your family having history of mental retardation? I like you. You like me? High five!"

Satisfied that Mary Anne is not going to try to take her money or steal her women, Mrs. Lowell allows her children, Caitlin, Mackie (short for Mackenzie, of course) and Celeste, to meet their sitter and heads out the door to the ~~Klan meeting~~ Jiffy Lube. From their description, the kids sound like the Children of the Corn... pale, light blonde hair, blue eyes, not smiling, wielding threshers. They warm up quickly and ask a lot of questions about Mary Anne and the club, and Claudia notes that even Karen doesn't ask that many questions - "maybe because she'd rather talk than listen," surmises Claudia. Or maybe because she's an asshole.

We get the first indication that something is a mite off when Caitlin, who's eight, comments that Mallory must be Catholic with all those brothers and sisters. I'm going to assume this is something she overheard her parents say. I can't imagine an eight-year-old would be familiar with the Pope's stance on birth control.

They try to find "Leave It To Beaver" on TV, because (a) this is Stoneybrook and the cable provider only shows programs that are at least three decades old and (b) Mrs. Lowell knows her children won't be poisoned by the teachings of J.J Walker or Fred Sanford when the Beav's on. They can't seem to find it, but Caitlin and Mackie settle on LOLing over some Asian kids riding their bikes on another show. Mary Anne can't figure out what's so funny when she overhears Mackie squeal "Look at their eyes!" I remember reading this and thinking maybe the kids had their eyes crossed or they were wearing joke glasses or something. That would make riding bikes really difficult and potentially funny in an "America's Funniest Home Videos" sort of way. Totally didn't get that they were making fun of their actual eye shape. I like that about my 11-year-old self.

Anyway! Mrs. Lowell arrives home from her ~~cross-burning~~ doctor's appointment and Mary Anne's almost late for the club meeting OMG. It's there that they put a name on the generic musical project from the previous chapter - they're going to start a band! For the kids! Even though no one has any musical talent whatsoever! No matter - when the Baby Sitter's Club puts their mind to something, they make it happen.

Next time: The band takes shape, Claudia gets hated upon and Jessi takes one for the team.

Mystery #19 - Kristy and the Missing Fortune (Chapters 11-15)

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 19:28:00 GMT

Finally done with this one! Next one...vote at the end. My mom won out and she's getting rid of my BSC books. However, they haven't gone anywhere yet, so I'm going to snark as much as I can before doomsday arrives :(

Warning: This one's really really long. Pull up a chair and get some food!

Chapters 1-3
Chapters 4-6
Chapters 7-10

Chapter 11:
Babysitting entry from Dawn and she, like everyone else, is spending all her spare time at the damn arboretum. Jessi's updating her on the sabotage, and Becca and Charlotte are listening in. Charlotte asks what sabotage is...are you freaking kidding me? Little Miss I Skipped a Grade doesn't know what sabotage means??!?!? Her and Karen are both made out to be these incredibly intelligent, precocious kids, and AMM/the ghosties still give them Claudia moments like this!

The girls want to know what's going on, so Jessi and Dawn let them in on it...hey, another BSC project! Get the kids involved in solving a mystery! They're just too good. And Charlotte still isn't too familiar with "sabotage," but she offers to help solve the mystery, as she has other times. So the mysteries are so obvious, a 7-year-old (or 8...they always fluctuate her age) can solve them, but some 11 and 13-year-olds can't? Forget Mallory, Charlotte is the BSC's Velma. And Stacey's Daphne since she's so sophisticated. And hey, she did dye her hair red once...remember the Chain Letter book?

Before Charlotte can bestow her knowledge on them, Becca says she noticed two men in overalls on the property, surveying the land. Only Becca doesn't call it surveying, it's "things they would set up and look through." Mrs. Goldsmith told her it was "people who measure the land," but she forgot the term. Jessi clarifies for her that it's surveying. Holy crap, don't these girls learn anything in school, or are their teachers that inept? George Washington was a surveyor! Unless their US history lessons didn't go that deep...ok, moving on!

The group splits up, Jessi goes to help the girls find another wheelbarrow and Dawn goes to work removing vines from the house. Cut for our mercy is Dawn's ranting while doing this, which probably goes like, "I'm killing innocent plants! Don't you know how horrible this is?! Plants never did anything to hurt us! Who cares about the brick of this stupid house...it's ostentatious and dumb! Plants are beautiful and eternal! Blah blah recycling center you never hear about anymore!"

Jessi comes back to help her and while they're working, Jessi hears a "yelp." Did nature exact its revenge on Dawn for being so annoying and entwine her in the vines? No, sorry. She found a plaque on the wall while removing the vines (of course)! And her and Jessi stand there, shocked. And keep standing there. And squee to each other about how amazing this is. WELL HOW ABOUT LETTING THE AUDIENCE KNOW WHAT IT IS, LADIES?!?!? Though I have a feeling you can all guess.

They spend the rest of the afternoon looking for more clues, making a huge mess in the process. Dawn even feels around the walls to see if there's a secret passage somewhere. Hey, it worked last time. When they get ready for the BSC meeting, they comment on how excited Kristy's going to be when she finds out what they found. Kristy will probably find out what the thing is before we do.

Chapter 12:
Well, Dawn and Jessi's plans to freak Kristy out fall flat because, she announces at the start of the chapter, she isn't shocked. She had already read the same stuff in the books at the library, so she already knew. Dammit Kristy! Geez, sometimes she really is the Myriah Perkins of Babysitting. So yes, like we found out earlier, Squirelot is the arboretum.

The mystery has definitely taken a hold of Kristy because for once, she isn't wielding her iron fist of power. Her rule that club business must come first? Yeah, screw that, mystery comes first! And Kristy isn't saying anything about it...are we in an alternate world? And finally, we find out what the hell the damn thing says! Squirelot. Donated by Ellen, Scott, and Mary Thomas in memory of their grandparents, Rachel and John Thomas, and their aunt, Christina Thomas.

Mary Anne dreamily imagines Christina wandering through the garden on a warm summer night, wearing a long white gown. Whoa, down girl! Mary Anne's been pretty quiet in this book, she just pops up to fantasize about Christina and her true love like they're characters in a romance novel. And oh lordy, Claudia joins in too, but she focuses on the "And she was out there, plotting where to stash her fortune!" angle rather than the "Beautiful Christina, moving like liquid silk through the garden at night in a lovely gown that she filled out quite nicely..."

Dawn, Miss I Love Ghost Stories, is certain the fortune's buried on the arboretum's grounds. And, of course, this leads into more fantasizing about what the girls would buy with allllll that money! And, like everything else they do, it's based on their one single character trait:
Claudia: Art supplies and build herself a studio ~~and buy her own weight in Twix Bars~~
Stacey: Shopping spree in Paris ~~but not with that bitch Laine!~~
Dawn: A private jet so she can go back and forth as much as she wants between CA and CT. Yeah, how much fuel does that burn up, Resident Environmentalist?
Mallory: A ranch in Montana with stables full of horses. ~~The BSC cheers, thinking they would finally be rid of Mallory!~~
Jessi: She wants a ballet studio next to Mallory's writing studio. What, no founding her own ballet company?
Kristy: Mets season tickets, uniforms and equipment for the Krushers ~~and a brainwashing ray to help start her own religion, BSCtology~~

Hey, they left out Mary Anne! Well, her dream is probably "I'll get a big apartment in New York City and adopt lots of kitties and spend my whole time playing with the kitties and watching sad movies and crying! Oh, and Logan would live there too and we'd get married and live happily ever after!" And I still say she'll buy Cam Geary so she can have two boyfriends and Logan gets his wish for a threeway.

Hold your horses there! Stop thinking about the money (if there is any) and think about your pet project first, ladies! But, like the good little generous, benevolent teens they are, they agree that any money they find will go to the arboretum. Right thing to do, none of them are entitled to any of it except maybe Kristy, but how realistic is it to see teenage girls being so incredibly generous like that? Where's the "Well, maybe they'll let us keep it!"?

Anyway, they put together their 3 clues: The plaque inscription, the family tree, and the photocopy of the letter. They focus on the letter, since Mrs. Abbott mentioned she always thought it contained clues. Cue more *sighs* and "Romance! *squee*"s from Mary Anne as they re-read it. Ugh, we get it! She's a hopeless romantic and a dreamer, it's turning into overkill, Ellen Miles!

Their first guess is the date it was written, February 14th. Valentine's Day! Which means another *sigh*...SHUT UP MARY ANNE! You're my favorite character, stop dragging yourself into Karen territory! Jessi suggests they check the statue of two people kissing. Claudia writes this down, but since this is Claudia, she writes "Check statchew." *shakes head* Mallory suggests the birdhouse because of lovebirds, which is reaching, but Claudia writes it down anyway. We're not told how she spells it, but I'm guessing it's "Chekk byrdhowse." Stacey, looking at the roses on the letter, says they should check the rose bushes too. I'll restrain myself from making a dirty joke here.

The next day, they head off to the arboretum. Mrs. Goldsmith is upset they left a mess yesterday, but Jessi promises they'll clean it up. She also doesn't tell her about what they're doing, so they can totes surprise her! They get to the rose garden, and...uh oh. Someone else has been digging there! And it can't be the developers...there's small footprints there! So either they're men with really small feet, or someone else is digging! But Becca and Charlotte are the only other ones who know. They forget this momentarily and start a-diggin! And making an even bigger mess. BSC, doing something wrong? Totally, and Mrs. Goldsmith shows up with Mrs. VanderBellen. And, to quote the queen I share a name with, they are not amused! Meddling kids!

Chapter 13:
Next BSC meeting, and Kristy's on the phone. The BSC managed to screw something up, big time. So they aren't perfect after all! Mrs. Goldsmith told them to leave when she caught them the day before, and after they left, Mrs. VanderBellen said she wasn't interested in buying the arboretum anymore. Nice going, girls. They set out to make the world a better place, and end up trashing the arboretum, looking for treasure. Claudia breaks the mood by getting ready to eat a big handful of M&Ms, but even food can't comfort her now! Yeah, they really made a mess this time if Claudia doesn't feel like pigging out on candy.

Mallory says they can make it up to her by giving her the money. BUT THEY HAVEN'T FOUND THE MONEY YET! They keep talking like they have the money right there in front of them. Stop putting the horse before the cart! See Mallory? I used an expression with a horse in it, just for you!

Stacey's ready to give up and leave the fortune hidden, since Mrs. Goldsmith is pissed off at them. "Maybe Christina would have wanted it way. After all, she left it for Henry, not a bunch of babysitters." Uh...weren't you just dreaming of going on a shopping spree in Paris and wearing Gaultier and Tiffany every day? Stop being self-righteous, that's Dawn's character trait.

Kristy is shocked, shocked that they're all ready to give up. Her "I NEED TO SOLVE THIS MYSTERY!" desire is taking over her guilt. As always. The rest of the BSC isn't as eager as she is, they don't want to screw something else up and piss off Mrs. Goldsmith even more. Wouldn't they *gasp* lose business if she tells all of Stoneybrook how horrible the BSC is? Isn't Kristy thinking of this? No, she's probably plotting how to attach a bulldozer crane to the Junk Bucket, which you know Charlie will be stuck driving.

Personally, I'd be torn. Yeah, I'd want to know what happened to Christina, but at the same time, I wore out my welcome at the arboretum, I'm not going to rip the place up even more by searching for it. Hey girls! Why don't you, um, TELL MRS. GOLDSMITH ABOUT CHRISTINA AND SQUIRELOT?!? Screw all this "Oh, we wanna surprise her!" crap and tell her! She can probably help you excavate safely and she'll know why you made such a huge mess! But wait...this is a BSC book. The girls rarely use logic when solving mysteries, and besides, all the adults in Stoneybrook are clueless twits. Mrs. Goldsmith probably forgot their names already.

Dawn and Jessi tell Kristy they can't just dig up holes all over the arboretum, they'll get in more trouble. Well, Kristy can never take "no" for an answer, so she brings out an old book from her backpack. Stacey decides to be a bit snarky and asks if it's a treasure hunter's guide. I'm surprised we haven't gotten more bitchiness from Stacey, because I'm pretty sure this is the last mystery she appears in before her Lost Weekend arc comes up and she misses the next one.

And no Stacey, it's a town almanac. Yes, yes, yes it's my autumn almanac! (What? No Kinks fans?) Alright, so Kristy thinks they'll find out more stuff about February 14th by looking through it. Fair enough. The girls start to get a little more eager when they here this ~~because Kristy sprayed the room with some mind-control gas!~~. Kristy reads the first event listed, cattle auction, and gets a "Oh, that's interesting!" from Stacey, which results in a Look from Kristy ~~and 1 hour in the stocks!~~. And this is probably as far as her bitchiness goes in this.

To piss off Stacey, Kristy reads off some more irrelevant things, like how the baker's wife left him. The girls spend some time LOLing over this "Maybe she didn't like his apple turnovers!" LOLZ history is so funny, people were so silly back then! Oh shit...that joke could be really late-night if your mind is in the gutter. Dirty dirty! Oh, and there was a full moon that night. Mary Anne thinks that may be a clue, no one pays attention.

While the girls are still laughing over the poor baker getting abandoned, Kristy suddenly gets another idea (of course) and grabs the copy of the letter. The perfect circle drawn around the date on the letter...could that be the full moon? And, even more surprising, Kristy admits Mary Anne was the one who had the idea, not her. Admitting someone else thought of something...this is totally an alternate universe.

Then Mallory makes up for her lovebird idea from earlier and thinks that full moon was supposed to lead Henry to the fortune. And, sure enough, the next full moon is in two days, so that would give them a chance to see what Henry was supposed to have seen. You know what this means...BSC ~~TRESPASSING~~ STAKEOUT!!!!!!!!!!! Kristy says it best: All we have to do is figure out how to sneak out of our houses and into the arboretum on Friday night. Which should be easy, considering all the adults in Stoneybrook are on another planet 96% of the time. Not only are they babysitters, they break the law too!

At school, they discuss their plan. They're all going to be "at a sleepover" at Kristy's. Watson and Elizabeth are going to be out (to escape from the wrath of Karen for a few hours), and Nannie is watching the little kids (as usual). They'll "go the movies" for a couple of hours, which is when they'll break the law and sneak into the arboretum. And guess who's their chauffeur for the evening. Dammit, and why is Cokie eavesdropping on them? Oh wait, it's foreshadowing.

Chapter 14:
Stakeout night! They have flashlights, a notebook, and of course, provisions, thanks to Claudia. Fig Newtons, Apple Newtons, Cherry Newtons (those sound good!), Chips Ahoy...and some sourdough pretzels for Stacey and Dawn. Does she ever branch out and get them something else healthy/not sugary besides pretzels?

Oooh, more outfit descriptions! Dawn's hair is in a long braid...I really hope they aren't going to pull a Rapunzel to climb over the gate. Of course, Claudia and Stacey got dressed up to go on a stakeout. Claudia's wearing black jeans (wrong! They're blue on the cover! Does Hodges ever pay attention to the story to get things accurate?), short black cowboy boots, and a black suede jacket with fringe along the back and arms and silver buttons that looked like those old Indian-head nickels. Much like the outfit from earlier, this is one of the most normal Claudia ones we ever hear of.

Stacey's wearing black leggings, black high-top sneakers, and a long, bulky dark green sweater. She had hidden her blonde hair beneath a dark green wool baseball cap. Soooooo sophisticated. And I'm surprised they both followed the dark colors rule. I totally would have expected Stacey to show up in bright pink because "I look awful in black!" just like Brittany did in an episode of Alvin and the Chipmunks when they went on a stakeout.

They go inside (the gate isn't locked! WTF?! The bird sanctuary, cemetery, pretty much all the historical sites in my town lock their gates when the day's done!) and go right for the rose garden. The moon isn't up yet, so it's pretty dark. And, uh, did you ever get the feeling you were being watched? Or followed? Because Dawn and Jessi do. Who could it be?

-Charlie (he so would)
-The Three Musketeers followed them because they could use some money too
-The ghost of Alma

Jessi wonders if it's DT Developers. Kristy concludes DT Developers must be Devon Thomas IV, who Mrs. Abbott said is a contractor. He wants the money too! Dammit! Kristy might be related to Christina, who needs her great-grandnephew following the fortune too? But it's none of those...they hear a few sneezes, and it doesn't sound like a man sneezing! No, it sounds like a teenager. Guess who it is, since we were given like NO foreshadowing about it.

Cokie.

What the hell is she doing there? Well, she knows about everything from eavesdropping on them. And admits it's nosy, but brushes it off, saying she's got a bigger right to be there than the BSC. She insists the fortune belongs to her, because Mrs. Abbott is her grandma. Giving her a direct connection to Christina. D'oh! Well doesn't that suck...Kristy's mortal enemy has a legit claim to the fortune, while Kristy's is really hazy.

Jessi asks if she's the one who dug the holes, while Kristy starts arguing with Cokie and waving all her research in her face. She tells her the rose bushes aren't the right spot, because they're red and the roses on the letter are brown! So there! Uh...the BSC had the rose bush on their list of places to check, and now you're saying it's wrong because Cokie was there? Stacey, speak up and call her out on this! Oh wait. They're fighting Cokie, so they keep quiet to make her look like a dumbass.

Something clicks in Dawn's head and she says the roses must be brown on the letter because of the brown roses carved into the railing on the porch. They all take off for the house. Cokie finds the area (pissing off Kristy...she's supposed to be the super sleuth, dammit!), but a search reveals nothing suspicious or peculiar. Darn.

Mary Anne reminds them, hello, the moon?! They came here on this night specifically because it's a full moon? They look up at the moon like it's going to rain money down on them (maybe that was Christina's secret!). The moon is perfectly illuminating a tree right in front of them! The secret place! Sorry Stacey. It wasn't the secret place you refer to.

Jessi and Mallory run back with some shovels, and they start a-diggin. And Kristy digs up a metal box the size of her social studies textbook (way to be vague)! Take that Cokie! She's the one who found it! You'd think if it was buried this shallow in the ground, someone would have found it already. Wait...logic in a BSC book. Forget it. Inside the box they find:
-a locket containing a picture of a girl who looks so much like Kristy, "it's spooky." Case closed - they are soooooo related!
-a letter from Christina to Henry saying that she hopes he'll take solace in the contents of the box (hehe) if she never finds him. Oh, and she's carrying all her gold with her, in hopes that they can start a new life together. No *siiiiiiiiiigh*s from Mary Anne, but there's a wail of agony from Little Miss Gold-Digger (Cokie, not Stacey).
-the lease to Squirelot. Christina included a note saying she was bequeathing it to Henry. But, in the event of his death, be it known that I, Christina Thomas, bequeath this land to the village of Stoneybrooke, which always be my heart's true home.

The arboretum's saved!

Chapter 15:
Jessi and Mary Anne are thrilled, and hope that Mrs. Goldsmith will forgive them when she sees what they found. Cokie, still hoping to get some money out of this, insists that a lawyer will have to inspect them to make sure they're legal. Oh, shut up. The money isn't there, get over it.

The next morning, they give it all to Mrs. Goldsmith, who immediately gets a lawyer to look at it. They're legal, the land and house belong to Stoneybrook. She starts planning an open house party to celebrate. But they still need to clean up the mess! So the BSC still spends all their free time there with their charges, fixing up the mess they made and they even get kids from the elementary school and middle school to put in their effort to help out! Kristy says even Cokie pitches in...but doesn't do much.

Ok, what the hell?! Middle school kids will gleefully give up their free time after school to not do homework or hang out with friends, and instead weed a garden, rake leaves, and clean up garbage? That's even less realistic than Jessi's parents letting her babysit Becca and Squirt for a whole weekend alone! And elementary school kids the BSC doesn't sit for? Impossible! Though if there are some stragglers, I'm sure Kristy sent them home with a flier advertising the club. Soon, she will be Lord and Master of Stoneybrook. Soon...

Oh yeah. Developers did show up to inspect things, but the town had granted them permission. DT Developers stood for Danny and Ted (Devon Thomas IV lives in CA and apparently doesn't give a shit what goes on in Stoneybrook), and all the sabotage was just a coincidence...the BSC overreacted and jumped to conclusions again.

And what a job everyone does! The arboretum looks amazing! Especially when the girls come to help decorate! Apparently Stacey and Claudia are not just stylish and sophisticated, they arrange flowers too! Is there anything the BSC can't do? Besides charge $5.00 an hour for a babysitting job?

Alright! More outfit descriptions for the party!
Kristy: Nannie helped me pile my hair up on top of my head, and zipped me into the best dress I have: a black velvet one, in a high-necked old-fashioned style. L-O-fucking-L. I'm picturing something like this. She also mentions she looks just like Christina...yeah, they're totally related.
Dawn: A floaty, silky green dress that looked elegant. Didn't she have a bathing suit made from the same fabric?
Mary Anne: Lace-collared, flowered dress. The designer's initials, I'm guessing, are LA.
Jessi & Mallory: Black skirts, white tops because they've been wrangled into passing out hors-d'oeuvres. Sucks to be a junior officer...you get like no description in Chapter 2s, and you can't even dress up for a party because you're stuck working at it!
Claudia: Her infamous tuxedo, with a huge pink rose in the lapel. No descriptions of the earrings? Dammit, you let us down, Ellen Miles!
Stacey: A simple black dress that "made her look at least 18!" Again, way to be vague, Kristy. Is it a strapless, backless, classical little black dress?

At the party, all the local celebrities are there. The mayor, the fire chief, the police chief (but no Sgt. Johnson? Damn, denied by his BFFs!), the weatherman from Channel 5. I'm guessing it's an actual weatherman and not one of these Weathermen. Mrs. VanderBellen is wearing long black gloves and air-kissing people like the stereotypical rich lady that she is.

Mrs. Abbott arrives, and she's greeted by Kristy and Cokie, who's still pissed they didn't find any money. As they mingle at the party (and Cokie chases after the weatherman for an autograph, little groupie that she is), Mrs. Abbott wants to talk to Kristy. "We haven't spoken since you found Christina's box." Geez Kristy, is there something you're not telling us?

Mrs. Abbott talks to her in the greenhouse and thanks her for helping her solve the mystery of what happened to Christina. Oh, and she has a gift for Kristy...the locket they found in the box. WHAT?!?!?!? She's giving it to Kristy and not keeping it for herself, or even Cokie?! She even says Kristy deserves it for having a wonderful connection to Christina, especially since they look alike. I can't even begin to process that. Hopefully, Kristy keeps this one away from Karen.

Two days later, at the BSC meeting, they decide it's good they never found out what happened to Christina, because it leaves it up to everyone's imagination. Oh, and Mrs. Dodson's plants (remember her?) are fine; Jessi had been overwatering them, and Mrs. Goldsmith fixed them. Kristy hopes that there's still a chance she's related to Christina, and Stacey's shocked at this because it would mean....she'd be related to Cokie! Horror of horrors! Ok, Kristy puts that thought away and decides she'll make her fortune babysitting. Well you better get a move on, because it'll take you years to make a fortune with the rate you guys charge!

Whew! Sorry that one took forever to finish. Well, the next book you guys vote on goes on what books I managed to rescue. I know some of these have been done already, but it's the first pile I grabbed:

-Super Special #9 Starring the Babysitters Club!
-#54 Mallory and the Dream Horse
-#3 The Truth About Stacey
-Little Sister #35, Karen's Doll Hospital

Idea! Just call me Kristy.

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 13:44:11 GMT

So let's say you're (a) busy, (b) lazy or (c) unable to find a copy of the Baby Sitter's Club book you love to hate the most. Whatever the case, you want to read some snark, but don't have the means to write it. Comment here and make a request for snark on a certain book, and hopefully someone will volunteer to throw down.

((Mods, if you think this is a ridiculous idea or off-topic or whatever, feel free to delete. I just thought it might get us back in the flow again.))

BSC #46 Mary Anne Misses Logan

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 23:16:44 GMT

Dude, what has been up with the non postings here this month? I’m so sad when I can’t get my BSC snark on. Anyways, my roommate is gone all day, these books are due back to the library tomorrow, so now is as good a time as any to recap one of my favorite Mary Anne books.

My computer freezes up and kicks me off when I try to do anything fancy, so once again, no cover. If you’re interested, it features a brown haired girl (presumably Mary Anne, if the mom jeans are any indication) on roller skates at Skateland, a mere second away from falling on her ass while three girls are trying to hoist her back up. Two of the girls are clearly Kristy and Claudia, while the third is a blond, either Stacey or Dawn. Since it is an MA book it would make more sense for it to be Dawn, however, the blond model is the model usually used to depict Stacey on covers, so I think it is actually supposed to be Stacey. I feel safe in assuming Dawn probably came with them to the arena but stomped off in a huff when MA and Kristy ordered cheeseburgers at the snack bar, and this moment was captured post hissy fit. Anyway, this scene is not in the book at all but thought you might want to know about the cover.

Chapter one, MA wastes no time in explaining to the reader the title of the book, as the first line is “I missed Logan.” She misses him so bad it hurts. She says they were so close it was like they were the same person. Isn’t this the guy who MA once accused of helping his sister steal her cat? And the one she was always bitching about because he wanted to dance with her at parties? And the one she cheated on during her stint at a Mother’s Helper in Sea City? Methinks MA is practicing some selective memory of her time with Logan Bruno. Anyways, she’s at her house alone, she’s bored, and so she regales us with the story of her life and friends’ lives, and then explains that she and Logan started dating earlier that year, but she broke it off because he was too controlling and pushy. Yeah, those are a couple of things I like to call warning signs, MA, and breaking up with him was probably a good thing. However, since it’s been a whole 5 books since The Greatest Couple in the World broke up, I suppose it is time for a reconciliation. Anyway, MA is super stressed about an upcoming English assignment, and thinks that only Logan could make her feel better. Oh whatever.

Anyways, MA is having an anxiety attack because her English project is to study an author with a randomly assigned group of about 4 or 5 kids. The project involves the entire 8^th grade, so there are a lot of kids MA could get grouped with and most of the work will be done outside of school. That really doesn’t sound that bad, but MA explains she’s shy so she won’t talk to people she doesn’t know. Well, MA, not so good for you, because your life is going to be filled with instances where you’re going to have to talk to people you don’t know, and it seems like 13 is old enough to have figured that out.

Boring chapter 2. Stacey wears paisley printed leggings, Dawn is an individual, Mal doesn’t think she’s pretty (tellingly, MA offers no comment on what she thinks about Mal’s looks), and Jessi thinks she’s pretty hot shit (well, I’m reading between the lines here).

Babysitting time. MA is babysitting for the Kormans. Bill and Melody think that there is Toilet Monster, because the toilet makes weird noises. It’s stupid and lame, just like every other babysitting chapter.

Chapter 4, the inner workings of the club. MA says her job is the hardest. You volunteered for it, dummy. MA tells the other girls that the Kormans believe a monster lives in their toilets.

Chapter 5, MA is still stressed about the assignment. They are being put into their groups that day. Dawn for once earns cool points for telling MA she’s being a baby, and leather up. MA does not take this advice. Stacey suggests that MA think instead about which author she’s going to study, since she could get a really good one. And then the ghostie name drops several (real) famous authors, which was kind of cool. MA cheers up thinking about this, because, she tells us, she loves to read. No, MA! Loving to read is Mal’s one dimensional trait! You love to cry!

Anyway, despite most of the authors mentioned in this book being real, the one MA is assigned to is fictional, I’m pretty sure. I googled Megan Rinehart and didn’t come up with anything. Anyways, the people in her group are Miranda Shillaber (the person MA sat with at lunch for the entire 7^th grade and then never spoke to again), Pete Black (a guy who has dated Claudia, Stacey, Dawn, and Laine Cummings, yet never moved beyond tertiary character status), and last, (and who didn’t see this coming?) Logan Bruno. And despite MA yammering on for the last 45 pages about how much she misses him, when she’s presented with a legitimate opportunity to start speaking with him again, she doesn’t want to do it. With MA, you’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.

Another babysitting chapter, Dawn is at the Kormans. Evidently Mama and Papa Korman are the latest members of the Stoneybrook meth or swingers club, where they now need a babysitter every other day. Whatever. Dawn leads the kids on a ghost hunt. So lame.

The next chapter all the kids get in their groups. Logan and MA are both uncomfortable. Miranda hates Pete Black because he once snapped her bra strap and broke it. Odds are, it was a $3.99 bra she got at Wet Seal and she really should have known better. But moving on. An English teacher approaches their group and says that Cokie Mason (who is MA’s “mortal enemy”) is really into Megan Rinehart, and he would like for her to switch with one of them so she can be in their group. Evidently switching is not allowed, but Cokie is a shitty student so he is making an exception for her. As we found out in Starring the Babysitter’s Club, the faculty is used to bending over backwards for Cokie. Anyway, Miranda hates Pete and just bought a cute new leopard print bra from American Eagle, so she jumps at the chance to move. MA bitches internally that Miranda is deserting her, but seeing as how she hasn’t said a word to her since the previous year I don’t think MA has a leg to stand on.

Anyways, Cokie sits down and proceeds to get her ho on trying to seduce Logan at the lunch table and tells everyone to come to her house for the next meeting. It’s awesome how once her teacher leaves, she doesn’t even pretend to care about the author they will be studying, as she uses the wrong name 8 times. I sort of think she’s saying the wrong name on purpose because she knows it’s pissing MA off.

The next chapter MA heads over to Cokie’s. She briefly explains her beef with Cokie: Cokie has resented her the whole school year because she liked Logan but Logan only had eyes for MA, and so Cokie has been playing tricks on the BSC and just being a bitch in general. She wants to be Logan’s beard, damn it! Anyways, Cokie lets her in, but is less than polite. Pete arrives a minute later and gets the same treatment. She’s much more welcoming when Logan shows up a minute after Pete. The group gets down to business and decides to pick 4 out of the 14 books Ms. Rinehart wrote. Cokie announces she read 4 books once when she was 10 years old, and it took her a week. It was those Beatrix Potter books, that are each about 35 pages. Fail, ghostie! I realize you’re trying to be funny and make sure the reader knows Cokie is a first class bimbo, but that was over the top. Cokie also asks if the author wrote any picture books. We get it, ghostie! Cokie is the Forrest Gump of SMS. Can we move on now? MA tries to walk out Cokie’s house slowly, so she can leave with Logan, but Cokie asks Logan out, and MA runs off crying. You snooze, you lose, honey.

Another evening of babysitting at the Kormans. More toilet monster drama, and I start wondering if I can finish this recap without alcohol. My money’s on no.

The next chapter MA is complaining about the nerve of Cokie and Logan, going out on dates. God, a girl asks a single guy out on a date? Whore. And he accepts, even though he used to date a different girl? Manwhore. Furthermore, MA thinks that Cokie is rubbing it in her face just to be mean. Uh, just a second here, Blanche Dubois- you broke up with him, so I’m guessing even if Cokie is mean spirited, she probably doesn’t know you’re still interested in Logan. I suppose it never occurred to you that maybe Cokie is just stoked that a guy she’s been into for the last year is finally available? But I guess it is Mary Anne’s world, we all just live in it, so of course Cokie is after Logan for no other reason than to fuck with MA.

Anyways, she heads for another group meeting, this time over at Pete Black’s. They decide they are each going to take one of the four books they read, and compare the book to the author’s life. That could be interesting. I always wondered what kind of fucked up life VC Andrews must have had to be able to come up with the shit she did. Anyways, Cokie keeps bringing up all her and Logan’s dates during the meeting, and MA is getting more and more pissed. Well, Cokie, you may have the intelligence of Paris Hilton, but I love you anyway. Pissing off Mary Anne is hot. Cokie asks if they only have to turn in one assignment, making it pretty obvious she’s not doing a damn thing, and if they want a good grade they better be willing to do her share. MA is livid, but I think she’s more pissed about Cokie going out with Logan than she is about Cokie slacking.

Anyways, the next chapter MA and Pete have finished their share, but Logan hasn’t finished his and Cokie hasn’t started hers. After Cokie and Logan leave, Pete says they will just have to do Cokie and Logan’s sections themselves, but no more meeting as a group if they aren’t willing to work. MA reluctantly agrees that just her and Pete will get together to finish the project. Later in the chapter, MA finds out that the English Department has been contacting all the authors the students have been researching, and three of them are coming to hear the presentations. Naturally, one of the three is Megan Rinehart. MA is stressed to hear that she has to give a speech about the author to the author, and for once, I don’t blame her. That would be kind of nerve wracking.

MA calls a meeting (with all group members) and Pete says he thinks they should each read their section aloud. After Logan and Cokie leave, Pete says they’ll turn in the completed paper to receive full credit, but they won’t share the paper with Logan and Cokie so the two won’t have anything to say during the presentation. MA is tickled to picture this happening to Cokie, but not so much with Logan.

Mary Anne mopes around her house trying to decide what to do. She doesn’t want Logan to be embarrassed, but she’s angry at him and doesn’t want to help him. You broke up with him, dumbass! He’s allowed to date other girls! And you don’t know that he hasn’t done the work, since you’ve all been working individually on each section. Anyways, MA gets a phone call and of course it’s Logan. He has his section written, and he wants to coordinate it with what MA and Pete have. That sounds fair enough, and MA agrees to meet with him. They get their collaboration on, and of course now it’s glorious. Cokie is still out of the loop. The night before the presentation MA is nervous about meeting with the author and nervous that Logan is going to somehow cover for Cokie.

Another babysitting for the Korman family chapter. Good god, where’s my PBR?

The next chapter is Author Day. MA is super nervous. Right when the Principal is introducing their group, MA gets so nervous she reaches out and grabs Logan’s hand. They hold hands until they are called onto the stage. Pete goes first, and he’s awesome. MA goes next, and she’s clearly nervous, and her voice shakes, and she never looks up from her speech, but she gets through it. Logan does a little better than MA. Cokie goes next, and has copied word for word the summary from the back of the book, and thanks Megan Rinehart for being her most favorite author ever. Oh, Cokie, you dumbass. When you’re in middle school and unprepared for a presentation, you just fake being sick that day. Duh. And of course, because this is BSC world and you can’t be a rival to a BSC member without being a complete loser, during the author Q&A session Cokie further embarrasses herself by asking Megan Rinehart a question she had just answered several minutes ago. After the presentation is over, Logan asks MA if he can take her out for dinner the next night to thank her. MA accepts.

OK, we only get one outfit this book, but the ghostie sure makes it count. For her dinner with Logan, MA wears an oversized blue shirt and red tights. WTF? Would she even be allowed into a restaurant wearing that? I am going to assume the shirt is oversized enough to cover her ass, but that still seems a bit…underdressed. Whatever, this is the new MA, and the new MA is kind of skanky. Logan loves her outfit, BTW.

Logan tells MA he misses her, and Cokie meant nothing to him. He feels sorry he hurt her feelings, but he doesn’t care about her the way he cares about MA. MA finally realizes that maybe Cokie just had a crush on Logan and was super excited to be going out with him, and really wasn’t trying to hurt MA. Logan further shows his sensitive side when he says he hasn’t spoken to Cokie since the presentation, and if she’s mad at him she’ll just have to get over it. What a guy. Anyways, big surprise here, Logan and MA agree to reconcile, and Logan will give MA more space this time around.

You know, I just have to wonder, not that Logan is by any means a great catch, but I have to wonder what he sees in her. She’s annoying and spazzy and kind of immature. MA was never one of my favorites.