Baby-sitters Club Snark-fest!

#68 - Jessi and the Bad Babysitter (Chapters 7-9)

2008-10-07T23:26:46Z

Chapters 1-3
Chapters 4-6

Whew, sorry for the delay on this next installment. Had a lot of work, but I have the next couple of days off, so let's see how far I can get with this! I've already picked out the next book I'm snarking, and I'm keeping it a surprise ;)

When we last left off, the BSC picked up a new member, Wendy Loesser! One of us, one of us...

Oh, and for like the first time in forever, a charge came up with the idea for the next Lame BSC Project. Now the charges have started coming up with stuff whenever they're around the BSC! Like Pavlov's dogs. Anyway, Buddy and Suzi decided they want to make a video to send to Dawn, who's away in CA. And Kristy just keeps getting worse.

Onward! Sorry this got a little long with all the YouTubes and such thrown in :(

Chapter 7:

Another babysitting entry, and again, it's for the Barretts. Eh, I don't mind. The Barretts are one of my favorite families, even when they became paired up with the DeWitts, who were just annoying as hell. Anyway, this time Mary Anne's sitting for them, and Buddy and Suzi are all ready to shoot a video for Dawn.

Mary Anne tells them not yet, they have to decide what they want to put in the video first. Suzi wants to put on a "video video," like Snow White and the Seven Zorbs. After Buddy teases her for saying zorbs (which I think is pretty cool...it sounds like futuristic Disney characters), he proclaims the idea stupid and says they should do a Captain Planet play. Ohhhh, does this date the book like WHOA. Ok, book was published in October 1993. At my 7th birthday party that same month, my uncle got my 5-year-old cousin on tape singing the Captain Planet song (you know how relatives are with video cameras).

Ok, so Buddy explains Dawn would like Captain Planet more than a fairy tale, since she loves the environment so much. So which charge gets the lame ass role of the guy who doesn't get an element and instead calls for HEART when Captain Planet arrives? Suzi interjects with her Catchphrase du Jour, "Think again, buckaroo!" and Mary Anne is shocked. Please, it isn't like she said "I want my money, bitch!" or something. Sensing an argument a-brewin', Mary Anne suggests they compromise and combine both. Captain Planet "could be the....prince." Reaching, but hey, the kids don't care.

Buddy and Suzi like the idea, and start brainstorming more stuff. And since they thought this whole thing up (don't tell Kristy! Oh wait, they already did), they're going to play Captain Planet and the witch/queen. As far as other parts go, Suzi giggles about the Arnold twins playing a two-headed monster, but they end up sharing the part of Snow White. Buddy suggests Laurel Kuhn as Doc, since she's smart. Ok, that came out of left field. Since when have we ever heard anything about Laurel Kuhn being smart? Do we even know much about the Kuhns? If they wanted a smarty-pants, what about...well, Charlotte wouldn't work. I'd suggest Karen, but there's no dwarf with the name of Annoying.

And Marnie gets assigned the role of Dopey, since she obviously doesn't mind playing that part. Aw, Claudia wasn't available?

As is the case when the BSC is doing one of their ~projects~, Mary Anne invites Jessi and the Braddocks over so they can work on it. I'll skip over the explanation about who the Braddocks are, but I'll leave in my pondering about how the hell the BSC AND its charges were able to pick up on ASL quick enough to be able to communicate coherently with Matt. My good friend is a deaf studies major, and she says ASL is really difficult to learn, with a different sentence structure and everything. The kids of Stoneybrook are prodigies.

Jessi and the Braddocks arrive to find Mary Anne and the Barretts making zorb hats. As they're working, Mary Anne explains that Disney's version of Snow White isn't the only version out there and that the story's been around for a long time. Suzi is horrified and thinks Disney stole the idea. Well, Walt Disney didn't, but he's responsible for stuff like this:

(not the best examples, but all the other clips were like 10 minutes long)

So far in the script, they decided that Snow White is an environmentalist like Dawn, who bitches at Alice in Wonderland for picking flowers instead of letting them live and gets on Shrek's case about cleaning up his disgusting swamp. No, she cares about the earth, wanting to keep the snow white and all that. Buddy, apparently a Frank Zappa fan, responds with "Don't eat the yellow snow!" and everyone laughs. I knew there was a reason I loved the Barretts so much.

For the next BSC talent show, Buddy totally needs to do a rendition of Titties and Beer (NSFW language on that!). David Michael can play the Devil. Or someone can do Valley Girl as a tribute to Dawn. Anyway...I keep veering off-topic, sorry everyone!

So the evil queen decides to get rid of Snow White by pushing her in a polluted swamp, but she's rescued by Swamp Thing! Haley wants to play Swamp Thing for some reason, so she's assigned that part. So then the witch gives her a radioactive apple to poison her - a witch, hey they gave a cameo to Stacey! I kid, I kid. So after that, the Zorbs go and find Captain Planet to heal Snow White, he does (by not kissing her, as Buddy points out), end scene. If they really wanted to make Dawn love it, they'd make Captain Planet a vegetarian and have Snow White set up a recycling center in the forest.

Jessi gets the idea of going to the party store to buy props. Damn, everyone is having great ideas besides Kristy! She's gonna be pissed! Mary Anne and Jessi fret briefly over whether Stacey will let them use BSC money for it, but they're sure she will. Hey, $28 a month really does go pretty damn far! And still enough to have pizza parties!

Chapter 8:

Since this is the "We Hate Mallory" book, Chapter 8 opens up with Jessi yelling at Mallory, who's refusing to come on the trip to the party store the following Saturday. She says she's too tired, and Vanessa makes a crack about how it's a shame they aren't putting on Sleeping Beauty because Mallory could play the lead. Except she isn't a beauty, Vanessa! And neither are you, with your half-curly, half-braided-and-tied-with-a-rainbow-bow hair. I'm surprised Claudia hasn't tried that style out yet.

Vanessa continues teasing her sister and says she can play Sleepy instead. Since we're assigning BSC members as dwarfs, why not make Mary Anne Weepy and Kristy Bossy? This practically writes itself! Mallory asks Vanessa to help keep an eye on the little kids. Jessi snips at Mallory that it's supposed to be her job, and Mallory says it's not her fault she's so tired. Jessi once again shows a lack of compassion for her best friend:

I was torn. Normally I'm sympathetic when someone is sick. Yeah, except when it's Mallory. But i couldn't tell if she was really sick. There was nothing sick about her except this constant tiredness, which was started to sound like an excuse to do nothing but lie around. Only, that wasn't like Mallory. She isn't a lie-around person.

Ok, she accuses Mallory of faking it, then says Mallory wouldn't do that. Make up your fucking mind, Jessi! Besides, if she was faking it, it wouldn't last this long, would it? Something is obviously wrong (as all the blatant foreshadowing hints towards the next book, when she ends up with mono), and Jessi and the BSC spend their time complaining. *~The Best Friends You'll Ever Have!~*

Mary Anne suggests canceling the trip, since they have a lot of kids to watch over. Nicky, Margo, Vanessa, Buddy, and Suzi? 5 kids = 2 sitters = Mary Anne and Jessi. There, I solved your problem. Mallory once again volunteers Vanessa as an extra babysitter, and that shuts everyone up. Jessi says Vanessa's at a funny age where she needs a babysitter, but is still old enough to help. Because 9 = totes mature, and 10 = belongs in a kindergarten class.

Anyway, they're off to Pembroke's Party Store to buy props and costumes and I really like this chapter because party stores are like one of the most fun places to shop or even just browse. Mary Anne takes $30 of BSC money out of her wallet and hands half of it to Jessi, before splitting up and taking Buddy and Nicky with her. $30...geez, either they limited the amount of pizza parties they were having, or Charlie took a cut in his "salary"!

So Jessi and the girls pick up some green crepe paper for Swamp Thing, an apple-shaped bank, pointy ears for all the zorbs, and an inflatable palm tree since the Zorbs live in a rain forest. Great, now all I'm thinking of is this. The kids, who brought along extra money, also get stuff for their costumes - Suzi gets a witch hat, Vanessa picks out a hat since she's going to play the woodsman (you mean a lumberjack? Does she put on women's clothing and hang around in bars?), and Margo gets a big red nose to wear as Sneezy.

The next aisle they cross into is the party favor aisle, and the girls squee over all the Trolls, Vanessa in particular. Something else that dates the book like whoa! God, I used to LOVE Trolls. My mom thought they were hideous, but I couldn't get enough of them. I had dolls, books, necklaces, the whole thing. And I still have them stashed away somewhere, unlike most of my BSC books :(

Anyway, Jessi notices Margo in front of a display of Troll rings, glancing in both directions. Someone's got sticky fingers!

No, not that kind.

Jessi sees Margo take a ring out of one of the displays and stick it in her pocket. Jessi is totally shocked and is scrambling to think of an excuse for her, because she can't grasp the fact that she just saw Margo shoplift. Jessi, don't judge a book by its cover. My sister's a decent kid, and when she was like Claire's age, she stole a chocolate Cadbury egg from the drugstore. She didn't know what she was doing, so I guess it's a bit different from Margo's case. But it just goes to show that anyone is capable of shoplifting. Jessi tells herself that Margo is buying it as a surprise for Vanessa, but still makes sure to keep a close eye on her anyway for the rest of the time. Way to reach there, Jessi. They hurry into the next aisle, which has all sorts of stuff for theme parties. Whoa, mind, meet gutter. Reminds me of the scene in the amazing fic Amsterdam, Amsterdam when Mallory's buying souvenirs for her family. But no, this is G-rated parties. And Snow White happens to be one of them, so they get a Snow White wig, cardboard animals, an axe, and scary witch fingernails.

They meet up with the other group, and Buddy found a Captain Planet costume for $10! If only costumes were still that cheap. Buddy uses the extra money Mrs. Barrett gave him and Suzi for costumes, so the BSC money is safe. They also found rings and whistles for the Zorbs, and a blue cloak for Snow White. Jessi keeps her eye on Margo until they leave the party store, and to her relief, Margo doesn't take anything else. However, Jessi notices Margo didn't pay for anything and spends the whole ride home angsting about how to handle this. She obviously doesn't want to humiliate her in front of everyone, so decides to talk to her when they get home. At the Pikes' house, she grabs Margo and asks her about the ring. Margo plays dumb, but Jessi sees through it. Jessi then asks Margo to tell her parents what she did. Um...if she was hesitant to admit it to you, she's never going to tell them, Jessi. If I were her, I would have said, "Here, you're going to tell your parents now, and I'm coming with you."

Margo promises to tell her parents about it, and Jessi leaves it at that, hoping that she'll follow through. She goes to pay a visit to Mallory, who's lying in bed (that lazy bitch!). Jessi, keeping her promise to Margo that she'd remain quiet, doesn't tell Mallory what she did. Which also strikes me as "WTF?!?" that's like when they won't tell parents stuff because "I don't want to worry them! They'll get mad!" Keeping quiet is just going to keep you feeling weird and uncomfortable! Though I guess if Mallory did find out, Margo would get upset. I don't know, it's just more of "I can solve this on my own!" stuff to me.

Chapter 9:

Next BSC meeting on Monday. Mallory doesn't say anything about Margo, so Jessi concludes that, sure enough, Margo didn't tell her parents. She frets about what to do, and still doesn't say anything to Mallory! Tell her! If you're worried, then after the meeting, both of you go to the Pikes and confront Margo together! ARGH! Mallory's at the meeting, btw, but still looks like she's going to nod off at any moment. Hey, as long as she's there. Or else there would be bad things on the horizon for her for missing another meeting. *cue lightning and thunder clap*

Jessi's mind is taken off of shoplifting and Margo briefly when the clock changes to 5:31. 5:31, and Wendy isn't there! Uh oh! *cue more lightning and another thunder clap* Jessi says it's the third time she's been late. Um...they were exactly on time the first BSC meeting she attended, and they got to the Barretts a little late, I'll give them that. But the only meeting she had ever been to, they were on time! Geez! Kristy gets all huffy and demands to know where she is. Jessi says she can't be sick because she was in school today and Kristy harrumphs (a tribute to Peter Lerangis) that she should have called. It's a freakin minute, calm the hell down!

And what do you know, tons of the neglectful parents of Stoneybrook start calling in to get someone else to do the child-rearing while they're off doing who knows what, and it's all jobs that Wendy could have taken. Steam is now pouring out of Kristy's ears, and Stacey is taking refuge behind Claudia's bed in case her head asplodes. Jessi, trying to defend her friend (and if this was Mallory, she would have remained silent), guesses that maybe Wendy had a sitting job run late, but a scan of the record book shows that she had none scheduled. Kristy, shaking like a geyser about to explode, says she'll call Shannon to see what she can take on. Um, why don't they just have Shannon (and Logan for that matter too) come to meetings if they're calling her so much? Is she that busy? I mean, she's home whenever they called her at previous meetings!

Before Kristy can call Shannon, Mallory says she wants to call her mom to come pick her up. She also tells the club that her mom finally remembered that she wasn't the live-in nanny and made a doctor's appointment for her the following evening. The club (well, most of them, because Kristy is still simmering with rage) is relieved, and Claudia says she was starting to get really worried. Mallory says she's worried for herself, and then realizes...hey wait. The rest of the Pike Army needs someone to watch them! Jessi's the only one free, but since there's so much of the ~~Duggars~~ Pikes, they need another sitter. Hey, what about that "Vanessa's really responsible" thing from the last chapter? No? Already forgotten? Ok.

The only other one free is Wendy, and Kristy reminds everyone that, uh...she isn't at the meeting. So she's useless. Mallory calls her mom and goes to wait downstairs. Claudia and Jessi hope there isn't some serious, terrible disease afflicting Mallory, and they get an *eyeroll* from Kristy. And I'm posting the next exchange in its entirety because I don't know whether to laugh, or get the urge to smack Kristy upside the head. Or both.

"She's probably got some kind of flu or something. And I hope we don't all catch it. If we have to close up for a couple of weeks we might just have to close up for good."

What a horrible thought! "Why?" I asked.

"Because everyone will find other sitters," said Kristy. "And once that happens they'll stick with their new sitters. We haven't heard from the Hills once since we couldn't take that job last week."

WTF?!?!?!? Ok, first off, BSC flu shots all around! Second of all, the BSC shutting down for a couple of weeks?! What about all those times the club went on a group vacation, K.Ron? Did Shannon and Logan take every single job while you guys were away? Geez, being an associate requires a lot of time! Kristy's whole rant doesn't make sense. And I guess the Hills are still dead to the BSC because Mr. Hill did the unthinkable and said he would start phoning other sitters. Damn S.P's.

Stacey, saying what we're all thinking, tells Kristy to stop spazzing about the Hills not calling, they probably just didn't need a sitter since last week. But...but...this is Stoneybrook! Parents are ALWAYS going out, and ALWAYS need someone else to raise their children, dammit! Kristy shoots down her argument with this:

"Maybe, but I don't like it," Kristy grumbled. "It makes me nervous. The Hills may not be our biggest customers," ~~but Norman sure is our biggest charge, hoo-boy is he a chunko!~~ "but I don't like to lose even a single client."

I love how Kristy is freaking out because a family hasn't called for one week. No calls for one week = they hate us and are moving on with another sitter. Paranoid and delusional, party of one! Stacey reiterates that they haven't lost them, they probably haven't needed a sitter since, and Kristy says "We don't know." Good lord. Calm the hell DOWN! Another job comes in, it's another Wendy could have taken, and Kristy orders Jessi to call her. Jessi does, and no one's home. Oh, if Wendy shows up and it was a family emergency, would Kristy still yell at her? Yeah, she probably would.

The meeting goes on, Logan and Shannon are called many times, it sounds like some jobs have to be turned down, so I guess more charges have made it onto the "DEAD TO THE BSC" list. At 5:55, Wendy strolls in. Uh oh...she's in for a bad punishment now! *cues lightning and clap of thunder again* What will it be...50 lashes? An hour in the stocks? Babysitting for the Rodowskys without a crash helmet?

Kristy blows up at her and demands to know where she's been. Wendy, bewildered, says she had a babysitting job run late. She asks if any jobs came in for her and Kristy says "Plenty. But you weren't here." Oh, it's on, bitch!

Jessi says Wendy didn't react the way I would have. I'd have been mortified and apologetic. Wendy grew angry in return. Yeah, because she hasn't had the BSC Kool-Aid yet! Of course she's going to react with anger, instead of bending down and groveling for an apology from K. Ron. Wendy asks what's the big deal, why does she have to be here if Mary Anne can tell from the record book when she is and isn't available. Kristy, whose face is turning pink again, growls "Because you have to be." Stacey and Claudia go and hide behind the bed, their president is coming close to exploding again!

Jessi reminds Wendy that she HAS to be at every single BSC meeting ~~on penalty of death~~ unless it's an emergency. Wendy says it was, she had a babysitting job, she couldn't leave the kids alone. Well, then you bring the kids WITH you! Gosh!

Mary Anne tells her to call next time and wants to know why Wendy took a job without telling them. Wendy's confused and Kristy explodes "That's the second club rule you've broken! First you were late without calling, then you took a job that wasn't offered to the rest of the club." Wendy, completely dumbfounded and irritated, says she had no idea and is shocked that she has to hand her regular jobs over to the BSC. And why is Kristy yelling at her for breaking the rules? NO ONE EVER TOLD HER WHAT THE BSC RULES WERE!!!!! Remember? You gave her a lameass entry quiz and didn't explain ANYTHING about how the club operates, except for showing her how jobs are assigned? I could understand the concern over her being late, but how the hell was she supposed to know that she's expected to hand over her jobs?

Stacey explains, We all share jobs. Even if a client asks for a certain sitter, we offer it to everyone in the club. That's the only way to be fair. And avoid any potential bitch fights if a client asks for someone specific and the club flips out at said sitter. See: book #15 (and my first snark on here! /shameless plug). So Wendy is supposed to tell all her clients, who the BSC doesn't know, "Sorry, I can't be your main sitter anymore. You must call this number, 3 times a week, ONLY at this time, and reach other sitters too. Sorry, but that's the only fair way! Hail K.Ron!" That is so stupid.

Wendy apologizes and says she'll call next time she's late. She also accepts the Pike job with Jessi, who urges Wendy to please please PLEASE be there on time. After the meeting, Wendy bolts out of there and Jessi catches up. Wendy asks Kristy what we've been wondering for ages, "Who does Kristy think she is?"

Jessi, ever the brainwashed BSC member, responds ~~Kristy Thomas is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life.~~ "She's the president of the club. If she wasn't strict, things wouldn't run nearly as efficiently as they do. Our customers wouldn't be as happy and neither would we. It's better that Kristy makes everyone obey the rules." Yeah, but there's a difference between strict and crazy dictator. Mallory shouldn't feel guilty about being sick, and Wendy shouldn't be yelled at for breaking rules she had no idea existed.

Wendy calls Kristy crabby (that's an understatement), and Jessi insists she's just worried that the club is in trouble. And Jessi ponders...is the club really in trouble?

Sorry for the length. There was a lot in these chapters, and I tried to make it amusing for you all!

Coming up next...Wendy really wears out her welcome, Margo fesses up, and video time!

When it all went downhill....

2008-10-06T02:40:25Z

View Poll: #1273127

how much the baby-sitters earn

2008-10-05T12:48:48Z

So in the UK they sell these "value editions" of the BSC books, where you get three books in one. I was just re-reading the first one (books 1, 2 and 3), and noticed this:

1.) At the end of Claudia and the Phantom Phone Calls, Stacey and Kristy brag about how they earned $16 and $14 each in the past two weeks.
2.) Somewhere in the middle of The Truth About Stacey, Kristy mentions in a notebook entry that they have about 14 or 15 jobs a week.

If we divide that out, let's assume, then, that each baby-sitter gets booked for about 7 jobs over the course of two weeks. In two weeks, Kristy says she earned $14. That's $2 a job!!!!!

So, either the baby-sitters are working for next to nothing, or they're booking some very short jobs. What's the deal? I have noticed in the past that they seem to book a lot of 2-hour jobs - isn't that a short enough outing for the parents to take the kids with them? What are they doing for 2 hours where children should not be present???

dies

2008-10-05T06:09:28Z

So I was just reading Mary Anne Breaks The Rules and these two parts made me die:

1. Jessi: *runs weirdly because of her ballet training*
Logan: *mimics her by doing fake ballet leaps*
"Logan!" I said. "Stop!"
"No, he's good! Jessica (sic) insisted. "Do that again, Logan."
Logan's face fell. "Well, I was just joking -" he stammered.
"Seriously, you ought to take lessons," Jessi said. "You have a natural form...and look at your turnout!"
"My what?" Now it was Logan's turn to be embarrassed. As we walked into school, Jessi kept trying to persuade him, while we all cracked up.

She also slips a magazine article called "Teen's Dilemma: Big Ten or Tights?" into his notebook, with a message saying "If he can do it, so can you! Want to come to class?" Which is funny as it is, but especially since it's Logan. XD

2. *Kristy is calling Logan to yell at him for going over to the Kuhns' while Mary Anne was babysitting*

"No, I'm not trying to sound like a police sergeant," Kristy continued. "This is serious, Logan. This could hurt the status of the club as we know it. Mrs Kuhn's furious. She thinks you were sneaking over to be with Mary Anne. That's absolutely against the rules...Well, OK, we'll make a rule for it to be against! The point is, you let us down..."

Oh, K. Ron.

Baby-Sitters Club Chain Letter part FIVE! (WARNING! Image Heavy!)

2008-10-05T00:30:42Z

Previously, Mrs. Kishi gained temp work as the BSC secretary, Mary Anne visited a shrink, Margo Pike saw Toby, and Claudia stole money from her grandmother. Oh, and we mentioned Shannon Kilbourne, too.

Here we have a message from Jessi that's been TYPED on a TYPEWRITER. Wow, no one uses typewriters anymore, do they?:

Nothing really snarkworthy about this. But I'm amazed at how well they can function as a ~~clique~~ club without their president. Your position is being threatened by Jessi, Kristy.

Claudia responds to Mary Anne's letter. She decides to be lazy and doesn't make Mary Anne a card like she did with Janine. Instead, Mary Anne gets one of some pretty irises:

Inside:

Despite Claudia's bad spelling, I think she touches upon the point of this. They're all learning things about each other, and they all feel better coming clean about these sort of things. And I'm sure the rest of the BSC would benefit from Dr. Reese's help.

FINALLY! Someone wrote to Shannon!

The whole thing didn't fit on my scanner:

If Kristy's coming home tomorrow, will Mary Anne and Dawn be back home in Stoneybrook by tomorrow and ready for the party tomorrow as well? And OH NO YOU DIDN'T, Dawn Schafer! Having a laugh at Mary Anne's expense! (Yeah, I thought it was funny, too.)

Next, Mary Anne makes a fool of herself. THANX A LOT, DAWN:

That is some ugly-ass stationery. Looks like the kind old-fashioned grandmothers write thank-you notes on. But I guess it's because Mary Anne is so sensitive and sentimental. And now Cam Geary will be totally scared of Mary Anne because she's totally stalking--uh-oh! My dinner's ready!

Last, but not least, Kristy gets out of the hospital and ends this chain letter business by writing back to cousin Robin:

Aw, we miss Louie.
Inside of card:

The summer is almost over? Soooo....they should be ready to move on to ninth grade now, right?
Kristy got a surprise party! Dibbly fresh! And they all got home just in time for Kristy's party, right? RIGHT?!

Someone needs to tell Dawn that carrot cake isn't as good for you as you'd think. Much more saturated fat than a regular cake. Just because it's "carrot" don't make it healthy. Does anyone else think Dawn might have seen what Mary Anne was writing on the plane ride back home and sent her a fake Cam Geary letter and photo? (I'm still LOLing!)

And looks like the BSC can kiss a new answering machine bye-bye for the Ramsey's new rug. But now they're all home, they won't have to rely on an answering machine, right? RIGHT?! And now that Kristy's out of the hospital, she can go play ~~tonsil hockey~~ baseball with Bart.

PS--Great, now Kristy's gonna make it out like chain letters were all HER idea. *pfft*

THANKS FOR A FUN DAY OFF!! I <3 the flea market!

Baby-Sitters Club Chain Letter part FOUR! (WARNING! Image Heavy!)

2008-10-04T23:52:54Z

Previously, Jessi nearly burned down the house, Stacey told Kristy that she shouldn't feel bad for wishing death upon her father, and Logan and Lewis acted like the two old dudes on "The Muppet Show."

Back home in Stoneybrook, Claudia's mom acts as temporary secretary:

Man, how urgent was this? Especially when Claudia is still in NYC with Stacey? I bet if Kristy saw this, she'd feel oh-so-official.

Next, Mary Anne sends Claudia a letter. It's another one of those envelopes glued to the page. Mary Anne's stationary is cutesy with kitty-cats on it. But lo and behold, here lies a troubled teenager!:

Front:

Back:

Wow, she wanted to cry all the time. Mary Anne's the sensitive one; how am I not surprised? Luckily, baby-sitting is her anti-drug. I'm surprised Richard didn't put her back in those dorky jumpers and braids in her hair. EVEN IF IT IS SHORT NOW. But how was she able to fit in her sessions with her shrink amidst all of the babysitting?! How did this slip past Kristin Amanda Thomas?

Oh wait, ~~Mary Anne also sent some pics of her and Dawn~~ we're subject to the art of Hodges Soileau:

THIS is the funniest thing in the whole damn book. Another postcard from Sea City. Did Mal or Jessi write it? No. Margo Pike wrote Stacey a postcard:

According to Margo, the Planet Earth is full of ugly people. Except for Stacey McGill. It's not a nice postcard, but kids universally speak the truth.

Meanwhile, let's read another letter by someone who spells just as bad as Margo. CLAUDIA?! How'd you guess?:

What's funny is that Claudia--the junk food junkie--writes to Dawn, the health food pusher. Check out Claud's stationery. This is another one of those envelopes stuck to the page. Here's the letter:

Claudia just wanted Twinkees. And she stole from her GRANDMOTHER, may Mimi rest in peace. This shows that the members of the BSC are not perfect. They're a bunch of bad girls, those baby-sitters. Love how Claudia suggests that Dawn write to Shannon. She's still a member of the BSC, right?

And her answering machine is not working. There are gonna be some angry citizens of Stoneybrook who will have to call other babysitters. *huffs*

No extras in Claud's envelope. :(

More in the next (and final) part!

Baby-Sitters Club Chain Letter part THREE! (WARNING! Image Heavy!)

2008-10-04T23:15:40Z

Previously, Stacey 'fessed up that she dyed her hair red, Mallory 'fessed up that she's a cheater, Jessi forgave her, and Dawn dropped a line to Claudia.

Jessi sends a letter to Mary Anne out in California. Her stationary is light blue with horses on it, because she and Mallory are horse-crazy. This is another one of those where the envelope is glued to the page.

Cute, Jessi. Let's take the letter out:

Front:

Back:

Ooh, not good. Kristy's getting a ~~staff~~ staph infection as a complication from the appendicitis. So now JESSI has a great idea and NOT Kristy! "Let's throw Kristy a party when we all get home!" And good idea including Shannon. She's still a member of the BSC, right?

And seriously....for being such a "mature" eleven-year-old, how is Jessi letting Becca talk her into singe-ing the edges of a toy map? I sure as hell wouldn't let Jessi babysit MY kids after reading this.

The end of the letter got cut off somehow, but it's nothing more than Jessi reminding Mary Anne to remind everyone else about the party (from out in Cali?!) and "lots o' love, Jessi." Oh wait, Jessi got creative and made this:

Bitch, that is CLAUDIA'S job!!

Back in NYC, Stacey writes back to Kristy:

*ha ha* When I took a trip to NYC about four years ago, I sent a postcard back to a friend with the skyline. Only I circled the Twin Towers and wrote, "These aren't here anymore." :(

I didn't scan the other side because it's not really snarkworthy. It's regarding how Kristy hates her father and how she sometimes wishes he were dead. Stacey tells Kristy that her mother says, "there are no bad thoughts, only bad actions." And from one divorced kid to another, Stacey doesn't always think very fondly about her parents, either. She wishes Kristy feels better soon, and LLL (longer letter later).

Now we get a card from Louisville, Kentucky. WHO'S out in Louisville, you ask? Logan and his cousin Lewis, of course!

Inside: (time for a male perspective!)

If Lewis wants the pen, how'd it change from blue to black? Anyhoo, let's scram so we can act Southern and put a bit of hay in our mouths and chew it. YEE-HAW.

"Sealed with a kiss." SWAK?! OMG!!! Karen would be going nuts about now. :P

More in next post!

Baby-Sitters Club Chain Letter part TWO! (WARNING! Image Heavy!)

2008-10-04T22:39:29Z

Previously, Kristy was hospitalized with appendicitis. Karen scrawled a crayon-y "get well soon" card, Kristy got a letter from cousin Robin, and Kristy sent a letter to Stacey bitching about her dad.

Next, Claudia sends a postcard to Janine back home in Stoneybrook. Since Claudia is an "artiste," after all, I guess she made this postcard:

Claudia even changes up the traditional postcard-writing format. Y'know, because she thinks outside the box like that:

"Who are mom and dad?" Okay, who else besides me couldn't stand Claudia's terrible spelling and actually tried to proofread her journal entries in the BSC books when they were younger? I guess I'm just anal-retentive like that. I need a career as a professional proofreader, dammit. (And I had some pity after reading the book where we found out Claudia's not stupid; she might be dyslexic, though.) Anyhoo, she just reminds Janine to check to see if her answering machine's properly plugged in.

Next, Stacey sends a letter to Mallory in Sea City.

And the entirety of Stacey's letter didn't fit on my scanner, so I had to re-scan the bottom half:

I had a pair of leopard print socks when I was about their age. And I lived in the middle of Indiana! And I thought Stacey was too soh-fist-ih-muh-kate-id to wear a Monopoly t-shirt.

And man, with all the stuff Stacey's done to her hair (perms, body waves, dying it RED!), you'd think it'd have fallen out at this point. Well....(*thinks about all of the stuff she's done to her OWN hair*)...I shouldn't talk. But Mal already hates her hair enough. And with what money at age 12 (when the series started out) can Stacey dye her own hair from blonde to red and back to blonde? Reminds me of the "Gilmore Girls" episode when Lane had Rory dye her hair purple, then freaked out about it and dyed it back to black before her uber-religious mother came home.

Uh-oh, there might be something wrong with Claudia's answering machine. Will there be a bunch of angry clients when the BSC returns from va-cay?

And maybe it's me, but here's what Stacey's stationery reminds me of...mainly because of the ribbons and confetti:

Back to the BSC! Claudia gets a postcard from Dawn out in sunny California. I would've scanned the front of Dawn's postcard, but it's just the Hollywood sign. Kinda standard for Cali postcards.

Geez, Dawn, gonna begrudge your stepsister--who lives out in Connecticut--a trip to Disneyland? It's the HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH, dontcha know?!

And why the hell is Dawn talking about braces getting locked? Who has braces here (besides Mallory)?

Since we're talking about Disney, let's segue from The Little Mermaid to a mermaid-emblazoned card from Mallory to Jessi, who are both in Sea City, so this required no postage:

Inside of card:

Oh, so the TOOTH FAIRY delivered this to Jessi, I see!
....tsk tsk, shame on you, Mallory Pike. CHEATING! And you can tell she feels bad about it by the downward slant of her handwriting. :(

Jessi replies:

Aww, all is forgiven, and Mal and Jessi are still BFFs.

More to come in next post! (This is a relatively easy recap; I can get this all done in one day.)

*edited about the "Claudia/dyslexia" thing. Just speculation.

Baby-Sitters Club Chain Letter! (WARNING! Image Heavy!)

2008-10-04T21:49:52Z

So today, I had a day off and I went to the local flea market. Lo and behold, what do I find for $2.00 but....

This book chronicles a vacation that all of the BSC members manage to take...except for Kristy, who has to have her appendix taken out, which is the driving force behind all of this!

First off....Karen Brewer sends her stepsister a "get well soon" card:

Open the card:

I'm pretty sure Kristy knows what SWAK means. Oh wait, maybe not. Kristy and Bart's relationship was pretty platonic, right?

Then Kristy gets "a note from Robin." Who is Robin? An aunt? A cousin? I don't remember a Robin in the BSC canon, but it's been so long since I've been INTO the books...Oh well:

Now we see that Kristy can't take credit for THIS great idea. It's all ROBIN'S idea. And what a secret Robin had to share. BOR-ING.

Next, we get a letter from Kristy to Stacey, who is back in New York. In the book, this letter comes in an envelope glued to the page and you can actually TAKE the letter out and read it from front to back.

Front:

Back:

Man, Kristy wrote Stacey a BOOK!

Methinks Stacey called Kristy because since she's got the diabeetus, she knows all about staying in a hospital, and gave her some words of comfort. Looks like Claudia is vacationing with Stacey in the Big Apple, Mallory and Jessi are in Sea City, and Mary Anne and Dawn are out in California. Kristy is stuck behind. This is reminding me of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. PLEASE tell me they can all fit into the same pair of pants. Which reminds me....how come the BSC can be all about diversity (an Asian, an African-American, a Jew), but there's no fat girl in the group?

And yeah, this HAD to happen while on vacation. What a coincidence. Who's gonna run the Baby-Sitters Club with everyone gone and Kristy unable to get up to babysit?! Are Logan and Shannon going to have some sittin' to do?! Who cares. This is a chain letter after all, and now Stacey has to participate or else she'll eat an M&M and DIE!! (*ha ha* BTW, I guess Robin IS Kristy's cousin.) Kristy secretly hates her dad and wishes he were dead. She's a child of divorce, give her a break. (And if you know what movie I sorta-quoted there, you get a cookie.) Kristy worries that she's a bad person, but warns Stacey not to break the chain.

I'm splitting this up into separate posts for those who still have dial-up. More in the next post!

#10 logan likes mary anne! (just a little note)

2008-09-27T08:06:34Z

so i was just re-reading #10 logan likes maryanne and i saw something that made me laugh uncontrollably. when logan and mary anne are dancing at the remember september dance, mary anne starts imitating his moves. then, logan puts his arms across her shoulders and kicks his leg ROCKETTE style... i was like wtf? is that not a disturbing picture to everyone else, of some tough,13 year old , supposed hottie football star, kicking his leg in the air like he's freakin dina lohan?? i knew he kicked his leg, and that's why mary anne copies him and her shoe flies off, but i didn't realize how AMM described him kicking his leg. WTF?!?!?

#68 - Jessi and the Bad Babysitter (Chapters 4-6)

2008-09-23T05:08:05Z

Chapters 1-3

If you thought you had seen Kristy at her worst in the last installment...you're in for a surprise here. Egads, I wanted to punch her so many times while reading this.

Did I mention she needs to STFU? Because she really does.

Chapter 4:

Babysitting entry from Jessi and Mallory, it's another one of those "Let's have a written conversation in the BSC Notebook," which I guess is their favorite pastime besides playing Horses. Well, Mallory is wondering where her fatigue came from, and suggests "Maybe I've been bitten by some rare sleep causing bug who flew in from a strange tropical island." Please, no bug would bite you, they'd come down with Dorkitis. Mallory's explanation gets an *eyeroll* from Jessi, who's irritated because she had to do all the work while Mallory kept nodding off. Yeah! What the hell with Mallory being tired and looking like crap and not being Surrogate Mother to her siblings? Get off your ass and teach Margo how to tie her shoes and edit Vanessa's poetry and clean the triplets' room and steam the carpet, you lazy ass!

Jessi arrives at the Pikes, and finds Mallory dressed in a lavender "sweat outfit" (why not just say sweat suit?) and her blue robe. Oh, and Mrs. Pike is rushing out the back door. She's late for the pot party and she's bringing some high-quality shit! Mallory was out from school for the day, so she obviously feels like crap. Jessi suggests Mallory's body is fighting a cold and taking all her energy, but Mallory doesn't sound too convinced. With that, Jessi will do a 180 and spend this whole chapter bitching that Mallory is barely doing anything. Um...she looks awful (more so than usual) and you're all mad that she isn't her usual self? Calm the hell down, Jessi. You're turning into Kristy.

Anyway, Mallory says the boys are in the rec room (by some twist of fate, the triplets are letting Nicky play with them. I'm guessing it's the BSC Kool-Aid that gave them their change of heart), Vanessa and Claire are playing Chutes and Ladders (as long as we don't have to hear rhyming, I'm good), and Margo's in her room doing "something." Oh that's normal; the BSC needs to write a "Masturbation is Totally Cool!" play. Or not, because that would be really creepy.

Claire runs down the stairs, dressed in her Halloween costume. For the 15th Halloween she'll be spending at age 5, she's going as a tiger. And being that this is the wacky and crazy Pike family, she runs into a chest of drawers, bruising her knee. This family is so chaotic! They need their own reality show! Oh wait...

As Claire screams and cries, Jessi orders Mallory to go get some ice. This was her sister and Mal wasn't actually dying or anything. I shouldn't have had to ask her for help. Whoa, calm down there. You were just saying you were worried about her, now you're angry because she wasn't right there when Claire fell? What a horrible, horrible ~~surrogate mother~~ sister! Mallory slinks off to the kitchen (in slow-motion, as Jessi makes sure to note) and returns with ice for Claire.

Then, the floor starts shaking! I'm guessing Jackie Rodowsky got hold of a jackhammer and was now drilling up the sidewalk and street with it as he hung on for dear life, with Claudia chasing down the street after him. No, it's the Pike boys bouncing into the living room with Moon Shoes on. Mallory tells them to knock it off since they're not allowed to use them inside, and they ignore her. Just like real siblings would when their older sister's in charge. Believe me, I know. I guess the BSC Kool-Aid temporarily wore off, since they aren't obeying everything she says and kissing her non-sparkly shoes.

Jessi waits for Mallory to lay the smack down, but since she's such a horrible sister, she doesn't. So guess what, Jessi. You have to say something. She asks them to go outside, and with that, they're gone. Come to think of it, why do they have Mallory on as a babysitter if she's sick? Maybe they're that strapped for sitters and don't have another to spare to yell at the triplets and draw baths for Mallory.

The boys leave, and Jessi hears an anguished cry upstairs. Even though the cry doesn't consist of rhyming words, it's Vanessa. Claire says Vanessa's setting her hair. Uh oh. Mallory tells Jessi to go upstairs and when Jessi complains, Mallory "gazed at the stairs as if I'd asked her to climb the Himalayas. She sighed a long, exaggerated sigh." Jessi, now more pissed, goes upstairs. I love how everyone is being bitchy to Mallory when she's sick, when if it was any other sitter they'd be bending over backwards to help. Because everyone hates Mallory.

In the bathroom, Vanessa's trying to pretty herself up for a birthday party by setting her hair with her mom's electric rollers. Um, what? I'm guessing she didn't ask permission. And why use those? Hell, I'm afraid to use my sister's curling iron! She should have pulled a Molly and done pin curls. I totally did that after reading Changes for Molly and they do work! But I digress. One half of Vanessa's head is curly, the other half looks like Britney Spears before she shaved her hair off. Jessi tries to pick her hair out of the rollers, but they're stuck in there good. After a few minutes, she decides to snip them out. I dread what Mrs. Pike's reaction is going to be when she comes to home to find the babysitter chopped her daughter's hair up, then I remember that this is Stoneybrook. The parents are clueless, and the babysitters always do the right thing.

Jessi goes in pursuit of a sharp pair of scissors and finds Mallory downstairs, fast asleep on the couch, and snoring (Jessi's italics, not mine). Wow, snoring is that surprising? Claire says she fell asleep while reading to her. Jessi shakes her awake and Mallory says she lent the scissors to Margo. Margo...alone in her room, doing "something", and is in possession of sharp scissors? o_O Uh...maybe she's giving her Barbies makeovers.

Since Mallory's such a lazy piece of scurf, Jessi has to run to Margo's room to get the scissors back. She's greeted with a "GO AWAY!" Then she opens the door a crack and hands Jessi the scissors, saying she's "playing." Mind, meet gutter. Jessi goes back to Vanessa, not wondering about whether Margo was practicing some self-gratification or what. But, why mention Margo acting secretive? More foreshadowing!

Jessi snips out the rollers, leaving Vanessa with a half-curly, half-choppy head. I'm imagining something that's a cross between Christian Siriano, the guy from Flock of Seagulls, and Madonna circa 1985. Yikes. To remedy the situation, Jessi takes the hair she just cut and braids it. So half braids, half curls? Yikes again. At least Vanessa thinks it's cute. Have fun explaining the new hairdo to mom!

The boys come back in, Adam uses a sleeping Mallory as a coat rack (hey, she's everything else in that house already), and Jessi realizes that hey, taking care of 7 kids by yourself is hard! Now you see why Mallory sticks pins in voodoo dolls of her parents at night.

Chapter 5

Jessi takes Wendy to her first BSC meeting. She's in a rush because Mme Noelle kept class 5 minutes late, and there was traffic coming in from Stamford, and Wendy's dawdling! Hurry! Being late by 20 seconds results in an hour in the stocks! Not only that, Jessi's dad will get punished too! Wendy's all WTF over Jessi spazzing and when she says what's the big deal about being five minutes late (like a normal person would), Jessi response "Five minutes?!? I'm worried about being half a second late!" Yeah, because half a second means Kristy will make you sit in Claudia's closet for the entire meeting, surrounded by who knows what. Luckily, they make it to Claudia's room at exactly 5:30. They're safe this time...

The girls all introduce themselves, except for Kristy, who greets her with this: "You're pretty young, Wendy. Have you ever baby-sat before?" Uh...she's the same age as Jessi and Mallory? Geez, it isn't like she's Margo's age and she's joining. Are you going to give her the bitch treatment too? Go ahead, ask the next question: "What's the difference between creeping and crawling?"

Wendy says she babysits for her two younger sisters and kids in her neighborhood all the time. You mean...there's families in Stoneybrook that don't use the BSC? Blasphemy!!!!!!! Kristy makes a mental note to send Claudia and Stacey there to infiltrate with fliers and stories of how the BSC changed their lives.

Stacey sounds convinced that Wendy has lots of babysitting experience and before anyone else can throw their two cents in, the phone rings. It's the Rodowskys, and everyone ducks and covers. Kristy takes this opportunity to show Wendy how the BSC works, and I have to include what happens next in its entirety because it's lol-tastic:

Taking on an ultra official, chin-up posture, Kristy turned to Mary Anne for the demonstration. "Mary Anne, please consult your book. I need a sitter for next Tuesday at five o'clock at the Rodowsky residence."

L. O. Fucking L. I'm totally picturing her pulling a Madonna and saying that in a fake British accent. Jessi stifles a laugh, and Mary Anne (in an act of defiance, I'm guessing) asks Kristy if she's crazy. Kristy shoots her a Look that makes the pen in Mary Anne's hand explode, and Mary Anne apologizes, saying that no one's available. "Are our associates Logan and Shannon busy then, too?" Get over yourself, Kristy.

Logan and Shannon are booked too, the only one free is Jessi but since she's a fetus compared to the other sitters, she can't sit that late. Claudia offers to switch her earlier job at the Barretts with her, but Jessi has dance class until 4:30. So they do some switcheroos until they conclude Jessi will relieve Claudia at the Barretts so Claudia can head over to risk her life by babysitting the Rodowskys. All this has to be done because Jessi offers up Wendy for the job, but Kristy "forcefully" shakes her head and won't let her. She isn't an official member yet. ~~She hasn't signed her contract in blood, or drank the BSC Kool-Aid!~~ And lucky Wendy - she doesn't have a written test to take, or any diagrams of the divestive system. Kristy's going to ask her questions, then send her on a test run with someone else. Let's hope it isn't Claudia, we saw what happened last time.

Kristy ~~instructs Wendy to hold onto the cans connected to the e-meter~~ asks Wendy what she'd do in an emergency and Wendy says she'd call her mom or 911. Damn, she would have gotten bonus points if she answered "I'd call upon you, Lord and Master, for guidance. Hail K.Ron!" Before Kristy can ask another question, the phone rings and it's the Braddocks looking for a sitter. Again, WHERE THE HELL ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE GOING ALL THE FREAKIN TIME SO THEY ALWAYS NEED SITTERS RAISING THEIR CHILDREN?!?! My parents only called on sitters if they were going to be going somewhere, like a no-children wedding, or my cousins' christenings or something. They took me to the grocery store, or brought me along if my younger siblings had doctor's appointments or whatever. Wake the hell up, parents of Stoneybrook!

None of the BSC can take the job, and Logan isn't home again (it's like he deliberately makes sure he isn't home during BSC meetings because he doesn't want to be ambushed. Smart move, Bruno!), but Shannon saves the day. Kristy goes back to her questions. ~~"Do you believe in psychiatry?"~~ What information do you get from parents before they leave? Wendy says find out where they'll be, and ask about bedtimes, but she gets cut off by the phone. Again, bonus points if the answer was "I'd ask if the kids are going through any difficult period, like bullying at school, or thumb sucking, so I can help them through it, since Mom and Dad probably have no idea how to parent their kids. Hail K. Ron!"

It's Dr. Johanssen, and while the BSC looks for a sitter for Charlotte, Mallory apologizes to Jessi for being so listless yesterday. Don't apologize for being sick! Geez! Jessi says it's ok and asks if she has any idea about what Margo was doing in her room. Mallory has no clue, and guesses she was playing some goofy game and didn't want anyone teasing her. Wendy's sitting there, bewildered that everything's so chaotic. Run, Wendy, RUNNNNN! Mary Anne asks Mallory is she can sit for the Arnolds, and Mallory says no because she still feels like crap and isn't up to it. Kristy flips out and explodes at her "WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU ANYWAY?!?!" Yeah! BSCers don't get sick, with the exception of Stacey, who will end up in the hospital if she breathes in the smell of chocolate chip cookies. Geez Mallory!

Mallory says she has no idea what's wrong (get thee to a doctor! Or did Mrs. Pike schedule an appointment for Nicky by mistake), and Kristy responds with, "You'd better go to a doctor and get better. I'm not trying to be mean," (yes you are) "but we can't have two sitters out of commission." The world revolves around you and the BSC, doesn't it, Kristy? Calm the hell down! You have an interested babysitter in front of you, let her into the club and stop spazzing!

Wendy again offers to babysit and Kristy studies her for a minute before saying no again. "No, I can't let you. It would be irresponsible. No offense, Wendy, but we just don't know you well enough yet. We promise our clients sitters we KNOW are reliable." Ouch. Is she still afraid Wendy's a spy from the still-defunct BSA? She needs to take a chill pill the size of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. As a compromise, Kristy suggests Wendy go along with Jessi to the Barretts for her test run. I guess the interview's over, because Kristy never got a chance to finish with the questions.

And still no sitter for Charlotte. Stacey goes to call Logan, but Mary Anne says he won't be home until six. And she gets 10 lashes because she didn't tell everyone that Logan wouldn't be home. Guilty by association!

Chapter 6:

Jessi and Wendy arrive at the Barretts to relieve Claudia. We also get the obligatory "The Barretts' house always looks like a tornado blew through it, but it's totally ok because OMG Mrs. Barrett is soooooooooo gorgeous, she looks like a model! Pretty people can have messy houses and get away with it!"

Immediately, they hear crying in the playroom, so they run in to find Suzi tried lifting Marnie out of her playpen (which she thinks is inhumane...yeah, Dawn definitely babysat her a lot) and dropped her. Suzi says Marnie doesn't like the playpen because she doesn't make the ham face while she's in it. Right away, Wendy gets a ham face from Marnie and gets her and Suzi to pretend they're lions at the zoo (with the playpen as their cave). Buddy takes the opportunity to be a hunter and shoot the lions dead. Suzi invokes Dawn's Rule - that they can't play guns, and Jessi agrees. "Guns are not toys, and killing isn't a funny thing. Dawn wants to make that clear."

Wendy and Jessi decide to keep Dawn's Rule, much to Buddy's dismay. The Barretts miss Dawn, and Wendy suggests they write her a letter. Do they even know how to write, considering they're impossible and *gasp* watch tv? Buddy and Suzi get the idea about sending her a video instead. Don't tell Kristy, she'll claim the idea as her own! Jessi says they can include all the charges (of course) and we have our obligatory Lame Activity for the Children of Stoneybrook!

The rest of the afternoon, Wendy is the model babysitter. She fixes snacks for the kids, plays with them, reads The Enormous Crocodile to them (and she brought the book along with her!). And Jessi slips in a little diss to Mallory: "This sitting job turned out to be the opposite of the job I had shared with Mal. Unlike Mallory, Wendy did everything." Ouch again.

That evening, Jessi reports back to Kristy about how wonderful Wendy is and while Kristy still sounds cautious (because she's power-hungry), is happy to hear that the Barretts liked her. She also likes the idea about sending the video to Dawn, and (as usual) says she wishes she thought of it. With that, she says Wendy can be a junior officer. She can sign her contract in blood and drink the BSC Kool-Aid at the next meeting.

Up next...the video gets a plot and script (unlike the BSC fic I'm trying to write that's still wasting away in the outline phase), PARTY SUPPLY STORE TRIP!!!!!, and Wendy wears out her welcome. She won't like the BSC when they're angry...

bsc_snark @ 2008-09-20T12:04:00

2008-09-20T16:02:17Z

View Poll: Which book should 1born2read snark?

#34 Mary Anne and Too Many Boys

2008-09-19T01:23:14Z

Finally on the bandwagon here! Look, its Baby’s First Snark!

Chapter 1
Wow, for a change today we open with Chapter 2. It’s the first day of summer vacation, but does K. Ron let the BSCult have the day off? Nooooooo. Summer means more babysitting! Work! Work, damn you! And if there isn’t enough work, then organize some kind of ludicrous carnival or day camp! Wait, sorry, got into Kristy’s headspace for a moment there. Where was I? Dawn’s about to go to California (hey guys, did you know that Dawn’s Mary Anne’s other best friend? And that she’s into health food? Cause she totally is). Also, Mary Anne’s loving description of Dawn’s stunning beauty (and “wheat” blonde hair—was that a typo from the usual “white” blonde hair?) and that Kristy got all butthurt about their friendship is rather suspect. Given that the next paragraph is a description of Sexy!Logan and his “voice that makes me think of warm molasses,” I think Maid Mary Anne might be batting for both teams.

Anyway. Blah blah blah, how the club works, blah blah blah, Mrs. Thomas needed a sitter for DM, blah blah blah Kristy having a seizure because Stacey and Mary Anne are talking about their upcoming two-week sitting job in Sea City. Which brings up a question…if they are in fact discussing an upcoming sitting job, why is Kristy having such a fit over it? Anyway. Blah blah blah Watson blah blah blah Jessi ballet…blah…Jenny Prezzioso is a bitch…blah…etc. I never thought I’d say this, but can it freaking be Chapter 2 yet? Nope. Blah blah Mrs. Pike lost her diaphragm 13 years ago and hasn’t replaced it yet… Ah, finally. Claudia’s bad at school and Mary Anne is weepy over not seeing her friends for Two Whole Weeks.

Chapter 2

Finally, something other than the usual chapter two. Although Mary Anne seems to think that in boot camp they make you dress like Pipi Longstocking and surround you with nursery rhymes. Mary Anne is gonna be in a world of hurt if she gets all humanitarian and joins the Reserves. Bet it’s Kristy’s idea too. But I digress. Also, it looks like Sharon’s in rehab again; her “disorganization” this time is just the grocery list (and pencil) in the fridge and a rotting tomato in the coupon drawer. Betcha the girls’ being gone for two weeks knocks her right off the wagon again though. And I love that Dawn travels in “a beautiful Laura Ashley dress” and pearl barrettes. I remember thinking this was bullshit even when I was eleven—because *gasp* I too was a bicoastal kid, flying cross country to see my father a few times a year. And you know what? For that 6-7 hour flight, I wore pajamas. At best I wore jeans and a t-shirt. WTF is up with the fancy dress? It would at least make some sense if she was flying back to Formal Connecticut, but to Casual California? But I digress (again). After a sob-y goodbye to Tigger we join the Pikes. For those who don’t remember, we have the Irritating Silly-Billy-Goo-Goo, the Puke Machine, the Thwarted Wannabe, the Slow-Motion Poet, the Triplet Who Plays Piano, the Triplet Who Is Kind Of a Fatty and Will Probably Turn out Gay, the Triplet Who Apparently Has No Particularly Defining Features, and MallorEmo. Sea City, Here We Come!

Chapter 3

Okay, right off the bat Mary Anne is claiming Claire-silly-billy-goo-goo gave them the scare of their lives. Seriously? She wandered off at a Howard Johnson’s, it’s not like she was playing in traffic (or spiking a fever, miss Lets Make a Huge Deal over Everything and Then Cry). Given the lassez-faire response of the Pike Parents, I think they were trying to ditch one of them along the way. Seriously, I think Mary Anne is way too high strung to ever have kids. In a car with Vanessa and the triplets, the worst that happens is that Vanessa makes some rhymes and the boys hold up signs to torment Nicky. Seriously, that’s it? Just my brother and I could cause waaaay more chaos than that on a long car trip.

Chapter 4

Dear Dawn, I’d have to write a book to tell you all about the trip down here. Dear God no, not that. The moment that they’re away from the kids, Stacey brings up boys. We are treated to a brief recap of The Scott Thing (wherein Stacey is shamed by whoring herself up around a too-old lifeguard) and The Toby Thing (wherein Stacey hooks up with a boy her age and gets her first kiss, the first baby step on the slutty, slutty road she’ll be traveling the rest of her life). It is also mentioned that Mary Anne got herself a little taste of barely-teenaged tail in the form of Alex, her first “almost” boyfriend. Ah, those swingin’ days before Sexy!Logan showed up (and before he turned into Asshole!Logan, but that’s later). In a stunningly heavy-handed bit of “foreshadowing” Stacey comments “Wouldn’t it be funny if Alex and Toby showed up again?” Jeepers, wouldn’t that just be the height of dibbledom? Stacey might even be able to hook up with him and show him all she’s learned in the last year!

Off to the beach then. Mary Anne is, as she describes later, “wrapped up like a mummy.” Now come on. I’m mostly Irish, and I burn in the shade. And even I am fine with a little bit of number 850 sunblock and maybe a hat. I think Mary Anne is a little insane. Also, I think we may have found out why Claudia is so bone-shatteringly stupid—clearly the schools in Stoneybrook are pretty bad. I mean, I’ll forgive a five year old for not knowing where the sun goes when it goes down, but Mary Anne is stumped?! Good thing Stacey went to a sophisticated fancy Big Apple-type school and knows that the sun goes behind a cloud.

Chapter 5

Mary Anne sweats over a postcard to Logan like its worse than a term paper. Granted, even as an adult, when in a new relationship, I’ve struggled to find the right “tone” to write to Mister Right Now, so I’ll forgive this. Down to breakfast for OMG twelve people. But the Pikes? Totally organized. I bet Mr. And Mrs. Pike like to watch John & Kate Plus Eight and laugh their asses off. Mary Anne takes the Girl!Pikes downtown, while Stacey takes the Boy!Pikes to the beach. We are left to assume both that Stacey will do anything so long as there are boys, and that the Adult!Pikes are going to stay home, make sweet, sweet love and try for a seventh bundle of joy, hopefully one that isn’t an irritating one-note side-character. Mary Anne goes by Burger Garden and comments that it’s a really fun place to eat, what with the sitting on mushrooms and the wait staff dressed like giant animals. I have a moment of stabbing sympathy at the poor people who have no other career option other than to dress as a giant rabbit and serve shrieking children burgers with orange sauce. Seriously, it makes me die a little inside. Then, after some OMG!SeaCity! rambling about the cool, cool places there (where else can you go where the stores are emblazoned with the town’s name on everything? And where else on earth can you get foot-long hotdogs! Or play puttputt! Sea City RULZ!) we go to Ice-Cream Palace. Because what Claire Pike needs? Is a sugar buzz. Maybe Mary Anne packed some of Sharon’s crack.

Wacky Hijinks ensue when Chris, the twelve year old boy who works at the ice cream counter, spills Claire’s soda because he’s ogling either Mal or Vanessa. Wait, Mary Anne isn’t at all creeped out that a twelve year old boy might be ogling a nine year old? Also, Vanessa is showing every sign of early puberty, which is going to drive Mallory absolutely batshit with jealousy. Just imagine her reaction when Vanessa gets the training bra first. Maybe that’s why she went away to boarding school. In a scene so Freudian that it gives me hives, Chris breaks the whipped cream machine. ”Instead of spurting out whipped cream in neat little puffs, it blasted out clups of cream the size of tennis balls” I’ll let you insert your own joke here, while I wonder what alternate universe employs twelve year olds at an ice-cream parlor. Oh right, the same dimension that lets a thirteen-year-old work at the Rosebud Café, or work in an upscale Manhattan boutique.

Chapter 6

Oh good, because I was chewing off my own tongue worrying about how things were going back in Stoneybrook. Nice to know that the answer is “boring and typical.” How about some good ol’ fashioned Rodowsky Bashing? Good, because before we even find out what Jackie did, we are told “That kid should come with a survival manual,” that he’s, as we all know, “a walking disaster” and is “hazardous to your health,” and all that is just in the Club Notebook (which Mary Anne helpfully explains the use of, for the 34th time). We’re also told that the sitting job turned into “a scene from a baby-sitting horror movie.” Unless we’re about to see Kristy abducted and slaughtered by a mask-wearing stranger who was calling from inside the house, I find this a tad difficult to believe. Kristy and the Rodowskys (Rodowskies?) are dropped off at the pool. Shea (the normal one) goes to the diving pool. Archie (the cute one) protests that the wading pool is for babies (personally, I always assumed that the wading pool was one giant potty-training failure, which makes using it to “practice keeping your eyes open underwater” worthy of a tantrum). And Jackie (the hellspawn?) goes on a destructive rampage by *gaspfaint* dropping a cookie in the water, stepping on a bee, trying to buy extra candy and taking a shower without asking. MY GOD, THE HORROR!! Kristy’s gonna need some therapy. But not as much as Jackie will once he gets old enough to steal the notebook and find out that the hot girls who babysit him all think he’s the devil.

Chapter 7

I think that beginning the chapters with irritatingly perky postcards from Mary Anne might be more annoying than Club Notebook entries. Although it is a refreshing change not to have to wade through Claudia’s misspelled nightmares. Mary Anne is interrupted of her dreamy ogling of Stacey and Mal in their bikinis by “a masculine voice” calling her and Stacey. And OMG, it’s totally Alex and Toby. Who just happen to be working as mothers helpers during the exact same two weeks that Mary Anne and Stacey are! The odds! They’re staggering! Much like the plot contrivances! But I digress for the sixth or seventh time!

Friends Forever: Stacey's (Many) Problems

2008-09-17T00:04:57Z

Her parents are divorced, all she does is touristy shit when she goes to NYC, and she has the diabeetus (Which is barely mentioned in this book--FtW?) I just realized that in the first chapter, Stacey eats pizza! Even though she can't eat the processed cheese in pizza, which I just remembered when rereading Mary Anne Saves the Day. IF SHE HAS EVEN 1 M&M SHE'LL DIE! Why are you trying to kill Stacey, Mrs. McG? Perhaps that is the cause of Mrs. McG's angst throughout the book.

Chapter 8
So Claudia has managed to snag a video dating tape to watch so they can find a new husband for Stacey's mom. These girls have got to stop watching all those Parent Trap-y movies. Grown-ups don't want dating advice from 13-year-olds! And how did Claudia get this tape? She called up a service and told them that she was a college student studying sociology doing a project about computer dating. And they believed her! LoLlerskates, thank goodness she didn't have to write anything. "Deer dateing servuce, I am a collage studant studyeing soseoligy..."
They decide to make it a club event (Plus Mallory) since Janine would probably disapprove and tattle on them. Sister, please, Janine is too busy with Charlie in the secret passage at the old farmhouse to care what you kids do.
When they arrive, K-Ron immediately takes charge and decides that they should have a rating system. That...actually makes sense. Shut up, Kristy.
Bachelor Number 1: A dentist, who likes pets, swimming, and traveling. Ick, I could never date a dentist, I'm terrified of them. Kristy instantly vetoes him because he's balding.
Bachelor Number 2: Alex, an accountant, who likes sky-diving, bungee jumping, surfing, dancing, fine food, and sharing time with that special lady. Stacey immediately decides that he's lying because he has a boring voice but talks about all those interesting things he likes to do. Ok...wait, what?
Bachelor Number 3: The third guy is my favorite. His name is Roy and he doesn't work because he has a back injury. He also can't play sports because of his injury and because the feds are videotaping him to see if he's faking. But he does like stamp-collecting (So he's Phillip Roth?), movies, theater, and concerts. Mallory declares him the one and says the if she were older that she'd date him, after she pierced her ears, got a nose job, and dyed her hair. Oh, that's cute Mal, but you're going to die a virgin. This is your future:

They finally decide that Stacey's mom wouldn't want to date any of those guys. Anyway, wouldn't they have to send in a video of Stacey's mom for her to get dates? All I can think of is that episode of The Simpsons when they make a dating tape for Ned Flanders. Star wipe!
Chapter 9
Stacey comes home from the BSC meeting after discussing her thetans and finds her mom singing. Apparently, she just came back from Sharon's pott-party. Is "Feelin' Groovy" an actual song or something invented to make Mrs. McG sound old? I vaguely remember a Simon and Garfunkel song that has that line in it. Then Mrs. McG drops a bomb and fesses up to having a date with a buyer from another department store. OoOOOooOh! Unfortunately, she starts to freak out about the date almost instantly. She needs to go to another one of Sharon's parties, that would mellow her out.
Chapter 10
It's the weekend and Stacey's back in Manhattan. I bet she's going to eat lunch at Bubba Gump's Shrimpery in Time Square or something. Stacey spends a good portion of her time with her dad calling up Mrs. McG and checking up on her with her Zack Morris Cell Phone.

I know this book is set in 2000, but the only people I knew who had mobiles then were the rich kids in my high school. Who would let a 13-year-old have a cell then, before the era of cheap family plans?
Then, they go to the Metropolitan Museum to see the Versace exhibit. That's actually pretty cool, I went to the AngloMania exhibit a couple of years ago and saw some cool designs by Vivienne Westwood.
Samantha actually remembered that Stacey wanted to see the exhibit. Oooh, foreshadowing her stepmommyness? They meet Samantha and they also decide to see the Degas ballerinas. Mr. McG decides he wants to see the armour exhibit because Degas is for GIRLS and girls are icky. They happen to have the dress that Elizabeth Hurley wore with Hugh Grant. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW, I have always hated that dress.

Besides, doesn't she know it's pronounced Ver-SAYS?

Chapter 11
Stacey is still freaking out about her mom's date. Chillax, the woman is prolly 30 or 40 something, she probably did loads of dating before you were born. Especially if she has any of your...propensities. *Smirks*
Dad, Samantha, and Stacey decide to go to brunch at some restaurant that was reviewed in the NY Times. The line is long but Stacey is prepared with a banana. Get your mind out of the gutter! It's so she can eat, if her blood sugar gets low her diabeetus will kill her. She's waiting when someone calls her name. It's Laine! I loooooved Laine, especially when she visited Stoneybrooke. I think that Laine is some species of goth now, because it says that her eyes are lined with heavy blue eyeliner and she's wearing black nail polish. Ha! Better watch out, Stace, or you'll be drinking Bartles and James and Nyquill from a flask.
Chapter 12
Brunch was awesome, but Stacey is *still* worried about her mom. Stacey needs to get a life of her own. Ooooh, apparently the date was bad. Stacey decides to go home RIGHT AWAY because as a 13-year-old, there's a lot she can do to make things better. Samantha volunteers to drive her. Damn, that's nice. I imagine it takes awhile to drive from NYC to Connecticut, mostly because of the evil traffic in Manhattan. During the car ride, we discover that Samantha was a model who became interested in photography. Wait, she's Tyra Banks?

Chapter 13
Stacey tries to cheer up her mom but, shockingly, fails. Stacey's mom tells her that Mallory called and that Stacey should cheer her up. That's some kind of burn.
Mallory's freaking out because she feels distant from all of her old friends. Oh, they're not distant, they just hate you. Apparently, Mallory is the president of the Internet Club at Riverbend. We know what that means, internet pr0n. Mallory, I can see this is important to you, so I won't make fun of it. *Cracks up*
Chapter 14
Mallory shows up at the BSC meeting and gives them a list of things to do with children from a Connecticut website. K-Ron acts impressed but you know she's seething that someone else had an idea. Twenty lashes!
Stacey goes home again and finds mom singing. How many parties does Sharon have?
Anystoner, we finally figure out what's been worrying Stacey's mom. No, it's not having such a weiner-dog for a daughter.

She's decided...to revert to her maiden name, since Mr. McG's remarrying. THAT was what she was worrying about the whole time? Well, no, she's also decided to quit her job and start her own shop.
Chapter 15
The book ends with a BSC sleepover. Everyone's suggesting names for Mrs. McG's, err, Ms. Spencer's show. K-Ron thinks that Serious Clothing is a good name, Claudia wants Funky Petunia, and Mary Anne wants Amazing Grace. Serious Clothing sounds like it would sell Chico's-style clothing. Ick. Funky Petunia sounds like a Betsy Johnson knock-off, and Amazing Grace would sell clothes for Madame Alexander dolls. And the ending BEATS us with the theme that not all change is bad.
Phew, that was kind of hard.
I have three new books to snark from. Mary Ann Saves the Day, Mallory and the Trouble With Twins & Stacey vs. Claudia. Any preferences?

#42 Jessi and the Dance School Phantom, chapters 10-15

2008-09-16T19:44:50Z

chapters 1-4
chapters 5-9

Previously, on Gilmore Girls...

Jessi lands the lead in Sleeping Beauty, the Phantom of the Opera starts sabotaging scenery... I mean, someone sneaks her toe shoes out of her bag causing her abject embarrassment, K. Ron decides a pet show is a good idea, Jessi starts getting SCARY NOTES. Ann knows nothing about how a ballet would be rehearsed, the pet show is completely unnecessary, and Jessi is being sabotaged!

And this week, on Gilmore Girls, which has much more effectively written drama than this schmutz...

Well, here we are on the way to the BSC stakeout! Charlie is driving all the BSC except Mary Anne to Jessi's ballet rehearsal. Apparently no seatbelt laws existed in 1991, because Claud, Stacey, Mallory, and Dawn are all in the backseat, and are extremely close together. The dialogue they exchange about being cramped could easily be lifted and put into the script for a low-budget porno. The next scene after this one will be Janine meeting Charlie down the street from the ballet school. ::hums cheesy porn music::

Yeah, anyway, Jessi thought bubbles about how nervous she is for this rehearsal - since she's been so out to lunch lately. Again, I ask, if this Phantom ~~of the Opera~~ stuff is freaking her out so badly, which certainly it ought to, why the HELL can't you go to someone who can actually do something about it? Oh, I know why... this book would end after 10 chapters, and we need 15. Turns out also that Jessi didn't ask Madame for permission for her friends to come to this rehearsal. Fortunately, it's in the auditorium where the performance is, so the girls can sit in the back and be surreptitious, though none of the BSC has ever been commended for her surreptitiousness. I'm still not convinced that this would actually work in real life, if normally nobody is allowed in the auditorium. Well, whatever.

So they get there, and Charlie helps the girls sneak in before he takes off "to do the errands he’d been planning to do for his mother and Watson", which is code for "has a sexy rendezvous with Janine in the backseat of the Junk Bucket". I'm just sayin'... if it smells a bit like sweat when the girls get back in the car after rehearsal....

The rehearsal is completely non-descript, if completely lacking in plausibility, because they go through the entire ballet, which presumes that everyone in the ballet is there, but afterward, the BSC gals talk about just the girls in Jessi's class, which presumes that it was just Jessi's class... going through the whole ballet. I really need to stop harping on this, but it's driving me insane how this minorly important detail is completely ignored. At least in the one where Jessi does Coppelia, they have Saturday rehearsal independent of their regular classes.

The BSC begins to unload their ~~harsh judgments~~ general observations. Jessi tosses in the awkwardly placed comment that "luckily, my friends had been to enough of my performances so that they could identify most of the dancers in my class". Neither clause in that sentence has anything to do with the other, but somehow, we have to justify that the BSC knows who each girl is. Our standard four get judged.... Katie Beth, Hilary, Lisa, and Carrie, and by the end of the trip back to the Brook, they narrow the suspect list down to Katie, Hilary, and Carrie. Said narrowing down is based on nothing except dirty looks during the rehearsal. Right. BTW, nobody comments on a smell of sweat in the Junk Bucket, so Charlie must have a good air freshener.

Ahh... the drama continues as we open up Chapter 11. The Phantom lays low for a few rehearsals... then comes back! Oh no! First he/she returns one of Jessi's leotards... slashed with a pair of sharp scissors. Then, during another rehearsal, Jessi gets "shoved – by someone [she] didn’t see – into some scenery that was being painted". Because in this highly professional school, they paint the scenery right on the stage, and leave it wet in an area where the ballet dancers can easily get shoved into it. And if we go ahead and believe that, then I suppose we'll also believe that nobody else saw the person who shoved Jessi. I can't believe that nobody else has managed to figure this out yet.

After some rehearsal (don't know which, don't much care either), Jessi is in the dressing room, and the Phantom left her a rose. The similarities between this Phantom and the one in the Opera Populaire are starting to make me snicker. Unfortunately, Madame Giry is not by Jessi telling her that he is pleased with her performance... this rose is accompanied by a note saying "Watch out for the thorns". Like a big tool, Jessi picks it up and pricks herself on a thorn. *headdesk* All three suspects are there, but Jessi's psychic skills are apparently not working that day, as she doesn't have a massive revelation on the spot. Rather, she resolves to catch the phantom in the act. She thinks of hiding in the dressing room to do so, which would work SO well, as any sensible jerk would make sure that they know exactly where the person whom they're trying to trick is before sneaking a note in the dressing room. Duh. Jessi rules it out though, because she's in almost every act of the ballet (except the entire first act.... how many acts ARE there?), and Madame would notice her absence.

So Jessi continues observing our Three Suspects, and because she's so paranoid, they all seem more suspicious. It's like the opposite of the placebo effect or something. And one day, Carrie is absent from rehearsal, and she gets another note. Jessi muses that perhaps Carrie is pretending to be sick and got someone else to leave the note, but automatically rules it out. She ignores the possibility that Carrie is actually sick but got someone else to leave the note, and decides that Carrie is no longer a suspect. Not sure how well that alibi would hold up in a court of law, but we'll go with it. And at the next rehearsal, Jessi nearly gets hit by one of the scenery flats. In this setting, I would use scenery on wheels, not flats on ropes, so this exact event could never occur, but whatevs. Turns out, anyway, that Katie Beth is the one who knocks Jessi out of the way so she doesn't break half her bones. This apparently exonerates Katie, because there's no way that the Phantom would try to save Jessi. Um, right. As far as I've been able to tell, the Phantom's goal has been to be a jerk and freak Jessi out, not KILL her, which could be a nasty side effect of having a flat fall on you from 30 feet. And I don't even want to know how the Phantom would have been able to arrange for a flat to fall like that. And my husband is the auditorium manager at the local high school here, and if a flat fell AND almost hit someone while he was in charge at the auditorium, you can bet your bottom dollar that there would be one HELL of an inquiry, and I would hazard a guess that he would be looking for a new job. I mean, he had to deal with a bunch of bureaucracy when a girl fell off a riser, and she only fell a foot and it was because she was an idiot. A flat falling is serious stuff, and everyone in this book seems to take it in stride as a normal part of a Wednesday afternoon. Geez.

Sigh... and Jessi reports that by "process of elimination", although it seems much more like process of there are only 3 chapters left and we still have to wrap up the pet show plot, so someone has to have some kind of epiphany. I hate mystery books where the mystery is solved by having some kind of epiphany. That was one thing I really didn't like about the last Harry Potter book, there was that one chapter somewhere in the middle where Harry advances the plot by having random bursts of epiphany, figuring out that the Resurrection Stone is on the ring and inside the Snitch that Dumbledore left him and that Voldemort is after the Elder Wand, and he figures all of this out by nothing but bursts of inspiration, not, you know, clues or anything. But, ah, I digress. Oh, ah, there were spoilers for the last HP book in that sentence, if you haven't read it. Sorry about that.

So now Jessi has to prove that Hilary is the Phantom, despite the fact that she has no proof whatsoever that the Phantom isn't, you know, some guy who lives underneath an opera house and teaches music lessons. Since going to Madame is still not an option, the BSC members are forced to puzzle this one out on their own. Fortunately, Claudia has a plot-advancing inspiration and asks to see the notes, which apparently Jessi has taken to carrying with her. Amazingly, the notes are all written with *gasp* a calligraphy pen. I don't want to know why it took them this long to come up with THAT. However, this is completely insignificant, because any yahoo can go buy a red calligraphy pen. Kristy probably isn't wondering that, but she does ask Claud what she's getting at, and Claudia says "Well, all Jessi has to do is to trap Hilary into writing something, so she can see if the samples match". ......... (crickets.... crickets) Do I even need to start making the list of reasons why this is the sorriest excuse for detective work I've ever heard? I'll just give one. Since obviously the Phantom would prefer to remain anonymous, why the HELL would he/she routinely carry the pen around with him/her and then use it in front of the person whom the Phantom is trying to torture right now? I mean really.

Jessi spends the next few days trying to figure out how to trick Hilary into writing something for her. She actually considers asking to borrow her class notes, I suppose under the assumption that Hilary only owns one pen, and uses it for taking notes in class, writing nasty notes to girls in her ballet class, and anything else that requires the use of a writing utensil. If we'd put Jessi on the Watergate scandal, Nixon would still be in office. Ok, not exactly, but if it were the 1970s, maybe. Anyway, Jessi still has no idea how to trap Hilary, until she has another plot-advancing inspiration, which reveals Hilary's weak spot: pleasing Madame Noelle. Ok, I'll go with that. I offer you the following narration:

"I just had to make her believe that Mme Noelle wanted her to do something – and then she’d do it without thinking.

"I was really concentrating. What could Mme Noelle need from Hilary? Something that she’d have to write, of course, so that I’d know for sure that that special pen really did belong to her. And it would have to be something she’d need in a hurry, so that Hilary wouldn’t have time to think about it.

"A program for the performance? No, the programs were probably being printed professionally, and Hilary would know that. Invitations to our dress rehearsal? Too complicated. I had to keep it simple. What about some kind of sign?

"A sign. That was it! Now my mind was racing. I pictured the scene:

"Hilary writes something down. Then she realizes that she’s been caught. She breaks down and confesses everything, apologizes all over the place, and tries to make me promise not to tell. But I won’t. Instead, I march her in to see Mme Noelle, who tells her she’s going to have to drop out of dance school. The End!"

I've asked this too many times already... Jessi, are you INSANE??!?!?!?!??! That is probably the WORST plan I've ever heard of for trying to trap someone, especially considering you don't even have any proof that she's guilty in the first place. And if you're planning to visit Madame at all in this scenario, why don't you just do it now and save me the pain of smashing my head into my desk? I've done it so many times in this book that there's starting to be a skull-shaped indentation in the wood.

Yeah, so while Jessi revels in her "genius", Becca comes into the room and martyrs about that stupid pet show that I'd nearly forgotten about, and how much she wants to win a prize. Jessi finally grasps what any fool should have thought of all along, which I'm assuming is to give every kid a prize of some kind. Hey man, I am all for kids grasping the concept that in life, there are winners and losers, and usually more of the latter. However, a BSC-thrown pet show is not the time to force this on anyone. Give every kid recognition for something and let organized sports and science fairs teach them the winner/loser bit.

Well, we've arrived to the start of another chapter. Jessi works out her plan with Mallory. She manages to make it 2 more days after that day until her next rehearsal. This is all written to be very suspenseful, but is just making me snicker even more. After the rehearsal, Madame asks to talk to Jessi, and asks her the question that any conscientious teacher should have asked about a month ago, if Jessi is okay. And I quote: "For a moment, just for a moment, I considered telling her everything. I’m not sure what stopped me. I guess I wanted to be able to prove what I suspected before I brought her into it". I'm guessing you're a moron, Jessi. I'm surprised we don't have more people who are completely distrustful of all adults, with this pervasive attitude running through books. Sheesh.

And because we're all on the edge of our seats in anticipation, Jessi heads into the dressing room, and there's Hilary by herself. Jessi tells her that Madame wants Hilary to make a sign for the stairs because the janitor spilled something. Apparently the janitor is all out of those yellow "Caution: wet floor" signs, because the sign needs to say "Danger! Slippery Steps!" Hilary says that's fine, instead of questioning this incredibly implausible and generally fishy story, and gets out a blue ballpoint pen to write the sign. We're never told where the paper on which to write this sign is, by the way. I suppose we'll chalk that one up to "Immaterial Detail". Anyway, the blue ballpoint is obviously not going to incriminate dear Hilary, so Jessi says "It has to be highly visible, so everyone can see it", which is not at all suspicious. I'm not quite sure why blue is so un-visible, but Hilary goes with it, and pulls out a red pen to write the sign. I so call bullshit on this. Jessi takes one look at it, and hollers "GOTCHA!"

Oh man. This exchange is so ridiculous. Hilary, of course, says she has no idea what Jessi is talking about. I still don't think she would be dumb enough to carry that calligraphy pen around, and to pull it out and use it in front of Jessi is even dumber. And Jessi then gives her the list of reasons why she's guilty, like that "anyone could see that the writing [on the notes] is the same as the writing on that sign". Um, that's not exactly the same thing as evidence. Sorry kid. Personally, I'm rooting for Hilary to completely deny it, and then it's Jessi's word (and lack of evidence) against Hilary's, but she has to go and SCREW it UP by saying "I didn’t want you to get hurt that badly" when Jessi accuses her of pushing the scenery on her. Well, phooey. Seriously, Hilary, the girl had no evidence whatsoever, you could have totally gotten away with it, but you had to go and confess. You suck. Turns out that she did it because she's under so much pressure from her mother, and freaking Jessi out makes her feel better about it, I guess. Lame. And Jessi lets her off the hook, because she's lame too. Man, too much drama, not enough story.

Chapter 14. The pet show is a success. Woo.

Chapter 15 is generally unsnarkable. Obviously, it's the performance of Sleeping Beauty. AMM/ghostie obviously did some research about the plot, or at least saw it the weekend before writing this book. Hilary is going to quit dance. Jessi is the best ballet dancer in the world. Standard happy and cheesy ending. Ole.

Well, that's the end of THAT. What a relief. I'm still trying to decide what I should snark next. I need a good heinous bitchitude type book, possibly where Dawn is the heinous bitch. Any suggestions?