#6 - Kristy's Big Day (Chapters 1-3)
Decided to snark a book where Kristy, for once, isn't a heinous bitch. Kristy's Big Day is actually one of my personal favorites, and being that this is #6 in the series, it's long before she went crazy with power. Yes, the good old days in the BSC-verse...

However, since this is a BSC book, there's got to be unrealistic stuff thrown in too. Agreeing with the previous snark of this one, this book contains one of the most WTF-worthy plot/timelines in the series.

That being said, here's the cover, brought to you by the letter C and dibbly-fresh.com. The cover on my book fell off recently when I was re-reading it, and it's buried in my room somewhere, but this is the version I own:



This is probably the nicest I've ever seen Kristy look on a BSC cover. However, she looks so un-Kristy at the same time, what with the hair down and the pretty dress and the high heels. And I want to know what they did with this original, relatively-cute-looking Karen; did they throw her in the basement (along with Wendy Loesser and the Trip-Man) and replace her with the pain in the ass Karen we all know and love/hate? She looks like a totally different person without her glasses. Andrew, on the other hand, looks like one of the kids from Village of the Damned. Or a child-sized Donald Trump.



Here's the cover from when they redid them all:



I guess they decided Karen didn't look Karen-y enough in the original? She didn't have her glasses at this time, Hodges! And Kristy's dress is ugly. Andrew at least looks 100 times better.

Chapter 1:

Ugh, right off the bat, we're hit with Karen's stupid Old Ben Brewer story. NEXT! Kristy tells Karen to stop her lame ghost stories, because she's terrifying Andrew. Remembering that there's another kid in the family besides her, Karen shuts up, but not before warning Kristy that she better not get a room on the third floor in Watson the Millionaire's mansion. Kristy says that Karen makes the third floor sound like Frankenstein's Castle, but admits that she's getting a little spooked out. Come on, Kristy - getting scared by a six-year-old? I thought you were the tough one in the BSC! Getting scared of everything is Mary Anne's personality trait, besides crying.

They're all hanging out in Kristy's backyard, as Elizabeth has invited the Brewers over for dinner. Kristy ponders over the pros and cons of her mom marrying Watson. Pro is obviously he's loaded, her brothers can finally have their own rooms (or, according to Kristy, their own suites of rooms...geez, how big is this mansion?!), and David Michael won't be living in a closet anymore. No, living in a closet will be reserved for...no, Mallory already shares a room with Vanessa. Oh well.

Since Kristy already has her own room, she can't really benefit from that. Her cons about this are moving away from all her friends, and she says Watson can be a jerk. I've never gotten any "I'm a jerk" vibe from Watson; indulgent and buys his children's love with toys and ponies and stuff, but not a jerk. Anyway, Elizabeth calls them inside for dinner, and Kristy tells Karen and Andrew that they're having spaghetti. Karen's excited, and Andrew's grossed out because his classmate Jody Jones told him 'pasketti' is dead worms. I don't see why Andrew's upset about eating worms. He's had grosser stuff before. And yes, I was looking for a picture of Ralph eating the worm during the class worm dissection.

Kristy reassures him that spaghetti's noodles, and that's the end of that. They go inside, and the dining room's all fancy. Kristy wants them to eat outside, since it's June and it's nice out. Elizabeth gives her the Carol Brady-esque response, "Oh honey, eat spaghetti on our laps? That sounds like the start of a Tide commercial!" lolz! I'm waiting for the freeze frame and the BSC theme song to start up before the commercial break.

In a rare moment, Karen shyly approaches Kristy's brothers and says hi to them; Charlie calls her 'kid,' as he's riding the high of getting his driver's license. Forever sealing his fate as Kristy's personal chauffeur. Oh, and he'll be able to get to Janine for booty calls once he moves across town! And Sam's scarfing up olives. There's a dirty joke about Stacey in there somewhere.

Kristy tells us that Elizabeth's worried over things getting ugly between Karen and David Michael. David Michael's used to being the baby, now he's got two younger siblings. Karen's used to being the oldest, now she has four older siblings. And yeah, things get ugly. Of course! Which LS book was it where Karen and her friends start the little girl version of the No Ma'am Club, the We Hate Boys Club? We hate you boys, we always will...

David Michael acts all grossed out when he realizes that he's going to have two sisters now. Well, it won't be as horrible until Kristy becomes CDK (Crazy Dictator Kristy...kind of like FNB Pam from The Office). And he gives us an unintentional rhyme that sounds like a Vanessa Pike reject: Oh yick, yick, yick. Pew, pew, pew. One sister's enough. Now I'll have two. Kristy says he makes a horrible Halloween face, and I always pictured this:



ANGRY PUMPKIN

Oh, and Andrew stays quiet for the rest of dinner. The leprechaun told him to. Watson and Elizabeth bring the spaghetti and sauce in from the kitchen, Charlie whines a bit when Elizabeth won't let him have any wine (see what I did there?). He starts in with "All the kids...," but lets it drop. Don't worry; Janine will comfort you later.

Elizabeth announces they've set a date for the wedding, the third Saturday in September. Wait wait wait. It's the middle/end of June...they're giving themselves three months to plan a wedding? Granted, I don't know much about wedding planning. All I know is what I've learned from watching my good friend, who's getting married next year. Unless Elizabeth and Watson have been getting stuff ready this whole time, they really think they're going to pull it off in three months? Especially when booking a caterer and photographer and stuff, you've got to get that done far in advance.

Andrew asks "What's a battle wedding?" and Watson silently wonders why he's been cursed with a bratty daughter and stupid son. Karen explains to Andrew what a wedding is again, and reminds of how she demonstrated it for him by putting on a white dress and kissing Boo Boo. Wow, Boo Boo let her near him without going nuts? Maybe he was asleep. I guess the relationship didn't last, as she went to Ricky after this.

Watson announces that everyone's going to be in the wedding party, and Elizabeth asks Kristy to be her bridesmaid. Kristy has a very un-Kristy reaction. "Like in a long, fancy dress with flowers in my hair?" Sam teases her, but Kristy ignores him and says she'll do it. Wow, I'd expect that reaction from Mary Anne. Only her's would sound more like this. "OMGGGGGGGG! WEDDINGS! ROMANCE! AND I GET TO WEAR A PRETTY DRESS?!?!?!?!? OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!! *sobs hysterically*"

Charlie agrees to give his mother away, Sam is going to be Watson's best man, and David Michael the ring bearer. Karen, upset that the spotlight is no longer on her, demands to know what she gets to do. Yeah, she's flower girl. She is a wedding expert, after all! I remember her calling herself that when she's Ms. Colman's flower girl. Elizabeth and Watson want Andrew to escort her, and Sam makes a joke about him being the flower boy. Andrew refuses to be in the wedding as he's incredibly shy (and I'm sure that flower boy comment didn't really help either), and that's the last we hear from him for awhile. Poor Andrew, always neglected. Kristy gives no thought to this, as she's still squeeing over being a bridesmaid.

Chapter 2:

Here's where our typical BSC spin on things starts up. Though wait...this isn't a typical Chapter 2! Hooray! So on Saturday, they picked a date for the wedding, Kristy's going to be a bridesmaid, and the icing on the cake is Elizabeth told Kristy she could wear heels with her dress. Yay! But then, on Wednesday, things fall apart. Uh oh! Does Watson miss all the kinky stuff and want to get back with Lisa? No, this is a G-rated series!

Kristy comes home from school to find Elizabeth there. She glumly tells Kristy that her company (one of the many ad agencies that BSC parents work for) wants to send her on a business trip to Europe. Kristy immediately starts begging for Elizabeth to take her along, and Elizabeth says she'd love to but can't, as it's during school. Patience, Kristy; your time will come. And no, she isn't leaving right away. She's leaving come September, you know, when Kristy starts 8th grade for the 1st of 29 times. And she's supposed to be in Vienna on the day she was planning on getting married. Well, Watson's a millionaire. Bring the whole family to Vienna and do a destination wedding! Only, since this is the BSC, they'd have to invite the entire club.

Kristy tells her to just push the wedding back a month, and Elizabeth said she was planning on doing that, until she got a phone call at work. It was her realtor, who's already found a buyer for their house, two days after it was put on the market. Um, what? That seems really, really fast. Maybe it's a buyers' market, and the house is in a primo location. You're right in one of the hottest BSC neighborhoods! Childcare for next to nothing! Yes, the BSC affects the housing market in Stoneybrook.

Great news, right? Well, not really. The family (the infamous Perfect Perkinses) is in a rush, and willing to pay the asking price. But Mr. Perkins is in such a rush, he wants to move in by July 15th. That's in about one month. Ok, what the hell. My mom's a real estate lawyer, she's NEVER closed on a house that fast before. I know, I know, all that stuff's boring to stick in a kiddie book, but holy crap. It sometimes takes my mom a few months to close on a house, to get all the contracts signed, and the house to pass inspection for termites or lead paint, and the seller to clear everything out, and the buyer to order more inspections because they think the house isn't safe enough, and the bank to approve everything. Then again, this is the Perkinses buying it. The purchase will go off without a hitch. Myriah's probably their lawyer.

And did they even visit the house to get a look at it? This doesn't make any sense.

Kristy, needless to say, is shocked and must agree with me because she tells Elizabeth it'll be impossible to pull off. Well, with the Perkins family, you never know. Those girls are magical. Kristy wants her to sell the house to someone else, and Elizabeth says no one else is going to offer them as much money as the Perkinses are. "Well, what do we need money for? You're marrying Watson," is Kristy's response. Geez, first Watson is a jerk, now he's a Sugar Daddy? And no, not this Sugar Daddy. Sorry Claudia.

Elizabeth explains that she doesn't want Watson to feel obligated to have to pay for things like her children's college tuition. Very good point. So the money (or, half of it, since half belongs to Patrick) is going towards college. What does this have to do with the wedding? Elizabeth and Watson are getting married at the end of June, and the Thomases are moving into the MANSION two weeks after that. Kristy's reaction looks like this:



And mine does too. Planning a wedding in TWO WEEKS?! I mean, if they were going for a little thing like Sharon and Richard did, maybe, but they're obviously not. How will they get vendors and stuff on such short notice? Pull them out of thin air? Get the neighbors to bring flowers? Because only Ramona Quimby's aunt could get away with that. And why must the wedding be now? Why can't they just move into the MANSION, and have the wedding in October, and not spend two weeks spazzing about everything? If they have issues about living together before the wedding, live in separate wings. Lord knows the MANSION's big enough, if Kristy's talking about her brother's getting suites of rooms if they ask nicely. Just stay away from the third floor so Karen doesn't go nuts. Or if they have to get married now, have a small ceremony at city hall, and go for a big ceremony and reception after everything's settled down. Why am I so perplexed over a BSC book?

David Michael comes home as Elizabeth gets a phone call from a friend of hers, and tells her friend that the wedding will be in two and a half weeks. Ok, add a half week on. Like that's going to make a difference. And especially with it being June, the most popular wedding month, she's going to have a hard time finding a caterer or photographer that isn't booked. As soon as Elizabeth hangs up, she freaks the fuck out when she realizes what she's gotten herself into. David Michael, fascinated and at the same time terrified, holds Kristy's hand and watches his mom go nuts over what to do about flowers, dresses (she says they need to find a dressmaker...wouldn't buying off-the-rack be easier and cheaper?), food. I guess invitations are out the window because she says she'll have to tell relatives about it.

"Planning a wedding is like having a baby. You need time to prePARE things!" Uh, Elizabeth, you realize this now? Oh, and their guest list is around 300 people. Planning a wedding for 300 people in two and a half weeks. Holy crap. My friend is getting married next June, she's been getting stuff done for it since she got engaged a year and a half ago, and she's still got a long way to go with planning. And this is for an outdoor wedding where she's trying to keep the guest list below 150. Is Elizabeth INSANE?!

Finding some grasp on reality, Elizabeth admits that they'll never be able to book a reception hall, so Watson's yard will be the venue. While she freaks out over decorations and what to do if it rains, Kristy suggests she call Watson, while Elizabeth tells herself she'll call Watson. She disappears into her bedroom (ooooooooooooooooh), and comes back later, looking somewhat saner. But it doesn't last long, because she opens up a cabinet and starts sorting pots and pans out. Oh my...planning a wedding AND packing up a whole house to move at the same time.

David Michael launches into one of his talents, whining, and Kristy joins in too. I always liked Kristy's line about David Michael is a champion whiner because he can turn one-syllable words into multi-syllable words. Well, both kids don't want to...oh wait. Let me rephrase. They don't wanna move. They wanna stay he-ere. They want another summer on Bradford Court, dammit!

Elizabeth shoots them a Look (now we see where Kristy gets it from), and David Michael gives her a quick apology, before running out of the kitchen with Louie. Kristy, being as stubborn as she is, argues with her mom how she promised they wouldn't move until the fall. Uh, Kristy, she never promised anything. She just said the wedding would be in September, and wasn't expecting these two bombs to drop on them. Kristy says she doesn't want to spend this summer at Watson's and Elizabeth points out she'll be spending the next summer at Watson's. And the one after that and the one after that. And guess what...you'll be 13 throughout all of them, Kristy!

But Kristy wants one last summer on Bradford Court with the BSC and Mary Anne (that's the same thing!) and...Jamie Newton and the Pikes except Mallory (don't the Pikes live on Slate Street?). Elizabeth apologizes, but tells her this is how things have to be now. Upset, Kristy storms upstairs to her room. Might I add, bonus points to AMM for actually having her act like a 13-year-old here, and not some strange tween/adult hybrid.

Up in her room, Kristy stares out the window that looks into Mary Anne's bedroom. She isn't there, she's out babysitting Jenny Prezzioso (because no one else in the BSC will...bitches), and Kristy's glad for that so she can just think things over. You know if she told Mary Anne the news she just got, she'd cry so much her room would fill up with tears and overflow into Kristy's, like when Pearl cries on Spongebob.

Kristy waxes nostalgic on the good and bad that happened at those windows, their infamous flashlight code they had to develop because Richard wouldn't let Mary Anne use the phone (now he lets her talk on the phone like a normal person, according to Kristy. Ok?), giving each other the silent treatment by pulling the shade down, sailing paper airplane messages back and forth. When my friends had dorm rooms next door to each other in college, they talked about investing in a remote-controlled dump truck to transport things back and forth between rooms. Totally reminded me of Kristy and Mary Anne.

While she thinks about picking out a similar room at Watson's mansion and decorating it the same way as her current room, Elizabeth calls her down to help her with planning this extravagant wedding in two and a half weeks. She wants Kristy to help her wish really hard for a Fairy Godmother. No, she wants her to write down the names she calls out from their address book. Kristy also notices the pots and pans have been put away. Packing's waiting until later.

Well what do you know...most of the guests are from out of state, and a lot of them have kids. Hello foreshadowing!

And hey, you guys...Kristy says weddings are hard to plan! Thank you for stating the obvious, Kristy.



Chapter 3:
Kristy is so busy helping her mom that she almost forgets, oh shit, she has a BSC meeting. She races across the street to Claudia's and *GASP* it's 5:36! She's late for her own meeting! Does she give herself a Look? Anyway, she sits down and makes sure to get a good, long look at everyone since she'd be moving soon. To another neighborhood. And she's going to remain in the BSC. I think this was just a segue into what is normally a Chapter 2.

Claudia's going around her room, trying to find where she hid a large bag of M&M's. Oooh, outfit description!

She was wearing one of her usual outrageous outfits: a black leotard and skintight red pants under a white shirt that was so big it looked like a lab coat. Claudia's a wonderful artist and she had decorated the shirt herself, covering it with designs painted in acrylic. She had pinned her long, black hair back at the sides with red clips.

Geez, what's with all the relatively normal Claudia outfits in books I've been snarking lately? Give me vegetable shirts and watermelon-themed outfits! Though...how do they know she's wearing a leotard? Is she wearing it over the pants? Yikes. And what kind of designs are painted on there? Hopefully, nothing with words. And...that's it? Only like 2 paragraphs? No stuff about how Janine's a real, live genius, and Claudia recites the alphabet the same way Big Bird does? This is the best Chapter 2/3 ever!

Wow, and only one paragraph for Mary Anne. Only thing about her 'background' we're told is how her hair is brushed out and looks shiny and full and until a few months ago, was in braids. Why can't all Chapter 2's be like this? There's nothing about Stacey's diabeetus either. She isn't even described as sophisticated; Kristy just says she and Claudia enjoy looking good. Is she Donatella Versace? And I couldn't find a clip of the Donatella Versace Show from SNL, boo. "I like to drink, smoke...and look good."

Sort of outfit description, Kristy says Stacey's hair is permed (of course) and she's wearing purple nail polish and Swatch accessories. Ok...I was less than a year old when this book was released, I have almost no recollection of the 80s...when she says Swatch accessories, does she mean like the watches? Kristy compares Stacey to a 13-year-old Madonna. There's a joke in there somewhere too. She adds after that If Claudia weren't Japanese, she'd look a little like Madonna too. Well, Madonna's done the Japanese look since, so according to Kristy...is this Claudia?


I know Claudia's artsy, but that might be a little too artsy for her.

Dawn's introduced as Mary Anne *other* best friend. You'd never know she was a California Girl, or omgsoindividual by reading this paragraph. Kristy drools a bit over her hair, saying it's amazing and hopes Dawn never cuts or changes it. Will you settle for her braiding and gelling it up in Dawn's Big Date?

Claudia finds the M&M's in a box under her bed labeled STILL LIFS AND PORTRITS. There's our Claudia. As she gives out the candy, Stacey says they got one phone call before Kristy came in, which went "Hello, this is Marmee March. I need a sitter for Amy tonight, someone who has experience with little women." Sam. I wonder if he's ever called before saying he needs a sitter for Ivan Uglibutt or Hugh Jazz.

They get down to business and Stacey reports that they have $17.25 in the treasury. Wow, they're rolling in it! And will be even after they have to start paying Charlie! Since no one needs stuff for their Kid-Kits, Claudia moves for an end-of-school party. Of course she would. Mary Anne notices Kristy's being as quiet as she usually is, and asks what's wrong. Kristy tells them she has good news and bad news. Good news is she's going to be a bridesmaid! The rest of the club reacts in unison like Mary Anne, sighing dreamily. Bad news...the wedding's going to be in two and a half weeks and they're moving in July. Mary Anne freaks out and looks like she might cry. When does she not look like she's going to cry? While Mary Anne struggles to keep the faucet of tears from going on full blast, Dawn exclaims that Kristy's so lucky she's going to be a bridesmaid! Dawn, your time will come as well...

Before anything else can be said, the phone rings and Mary Anne gets assigned to watch Charlotte. When that's done with, Stacey wants to hear more about the wedding. Kristy says she's known since Saturday, but...*GASP* how is going to explain away the reason she didn't call them up right away and tell them? She says it's because she still isn't too keen on her mom marrying Watson and says the other girls would never understand. And we get some foreshadowing to book #30 because Kristy mentions that Richard and Sharon are dating and Mary Anne would "die with pleasure" if they got married. We'll see!

Kristy finally says she never said anything because she thought the wedding was still a long way off. Mary Anne looks skeptical, but there's no bitch fights of how God forbid she didn't call the BSC up right away and tell them the good news, or invite them over so they'd be there to hear about it first-hand. Stacey ignores all this and wants Kristy to cut to the chase - what is she wearing? Is it sophisticated enough? They're cut off by the phone again, this time it's Mrs. Pike and she only needs one sitter for two members of the Pike army, Claire and Margo. Phew, no Mallory. Dawn gets the job and breathes a sigh of relief that she won't be sitting for or with Mallory. Because everyone hates Mallory.

Stacey isn't available because she's going to NY to see her doctor. Oh, now we hear about the diabeetus. And no (ew, ick) because injections aren't even mentioned. Just that she has to keep on a special diet. Wow, this is like the ultimate Chapter 2, only it's in Chapter 3. As soon as Dawn hangs up, Kristy starts up again talking about her bridesmaid gown. She says the gown's going to be short-sleeved, with an empire waist (well, she doesn't use that term, but the way she describes makes it sound like it's going to be empire waist) and a ribbon sash. The girls "ooooooooh" in admiration and when Mary Anne asks what color, Kristy says she and Karen get to choose. Dawn says pink, Kristy says it's too cutesy. Claudia suggests green, Kristy acts like she suggested they wear one of her creations, complete with papier-mache earrings in the shape of thumbtacks. Hey, I think green would make a lovely color! Mary Anne's choice is yellow, and everyone agrees that would be perfect. Stacey never threw her two cents in; she'd probably say black, since that's oh-so-sophisticated, and the only thing we New Yorkers wear.

Kristy adds in that she gets to wear heels, the dyeable kind to match the dress, and everyone starts squeeing about the wedding. Claudia's especially happy because it's a week after school ends. Stacey asks if anything special happens at the end of school in Stoneybrook, and they tell her about the Final Fling, and Claudia makes faces "as if she'd accidentally taken a swallow of sour milk" while talking about report cards. Since this is Before Logan, Mary Anne decides she isn't going to the dance. Claudia looks at Kristy "as if I'd asked if she was going to the dance with Winnie the Pooh" when she mentions Trevor and Claudia laughs it off, saying he's probably dating his poetry now. BURN! Kristy says she'll go if Alan asks her, and Stacey's going with Pete "Am I a Dork or Not?" Black. Since Dawn's such an individual, she's still deciding if she'll go stag or not. And....that's the last we hear of the Final Fling, thankfully.

Coming up...*in Strong Bad voice* CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!, Kristy has a weird talk with her siblings, the BSC has the opportunity to make bank, and we meet the one child who could possibly be more annoying than Karen.

Oh, and I introduced a new tag....wtf, for all those times the plot makes you say to yourself "....wtf?!"