California Girls, SS#5: Chapters 9 - 15
Installment 2 of the fantastic BSC extravaganza in Cali!

Jessi visits Derek at the studio, Mal is blonde and annoying, Jeff's a Deadhead and and Stacey's about to...

Chapter 9: Jessi

Becca sends a postcard to Jessi (since when do friends and family from home send you postcards when you’re on vacation? Weird).

I also attempt to mimic Jessi’s name in this book, so perhaps I was on a Mal/Jessi kick when I first read this.

Anyway, Jessi’s all excited about visiting a TV studio, seeing Derek, perhaps being on TV and oh did I mention she might be on TV?

She is so worried about what to wear and practices acting nonchalant about being picked up in a limo (dude, Jessi, this is Derek Masters, not Leonardo DiCaprio, okay?). Jessi hears a horn honk and freaks and Mal wonders why the chauffer didn’t come to the front door. Jessi just can’t answer her blonde friend.

She rushes out and is greeted with a station wagon driven by Derek’s dad. So much for the limo. Jessi is quick to recover though and excitedly says hello to Derek, Todd and Mr. Masters. Todd is excited because he gets to play a bug in a play at school, and Derek mentions that P.S. 162 will be doing some special effects during taping this week.

Todd is dropped off at preschool, and the rest head on to the studio. Jessi is a bit disappointed as it just looks like a brick building (well, what did you really expect Jessi, a gold trimmed palace?).

Jessi and Derek go in while Mr. Masters parks the car and Jessi is once again, a bit disappointed by the set (at first she makes a point to note). I still don’t know what she was expecting; most TV sets are simply a number of rooms that represent the different areas that the actors appear on screen, lots of cameras and a seating area for people to watch what’s going on, which sounds like what she describes. I guess the whole cast wasn’t there yet, seeing Derek wasn’t enough I guess (way to be a great friend!). When Mr. Masters informs Jessi that the cast will be there later she fangirls about how Becca will just die if she could get Lamont’s autograph! (What about Derek?)

The actors rehearse and block scenes, then around 11:30am are whisked away for tutoring (which makes Jessi wish she only had to go to school for a couple of hours each day. Sure, that would be great. Never meeting new friends, always with the same kids all of the time, no social activities like being in the band or soccer team – sounds fantastic!).

While Derek’s gone, Jessi learns about special effects, and how sounds are dubbed into the show. Then the exciting part comes, the producer needs extras for a crowd scene! The stars form in Jessi’s eyes and with Mr. Masters permission she goes to join the producer. And he chooses her to be in the crowd scene!

Derek compliments Jessi on her acting skills (she didn’t even say anything; it was just a crowd shot! Wow, Jessi can follow directions; she must be a great actor!). But Derek has formed the seed and now Jessi’s thinking about stars on Hollywood…ballet? What’s that? Jessi’s gonna be a TV star!

Chapter 10: Stacey

Stacey writes a postcard to her mom, telling her that she’s been surfing (but not to worry, she’s being careful!). I suddenly picture Mrs. McGill nearly having a heart attack reading this, and calling Mr. Schafer telling him that Stacey’s a diabetic, she can’t be surfing!

So they’ve been in Cali 5 days now, and since Mr. Schafer isn’t off of work until next week, Carol the annoying 32 year old who should act her age and not be nice and cart around her boyfriend’s daughter and all of her friends all around town, shows up.

Carol has the van and asks where they want to go today, and Dawn rolls her eyes – classy. What if Carol hadn’t come over with the van Dawn, what would you do then? Bike to Hollywood?

MA, the walking tour guide of Cali, immediately starts spouting off attractions, including Forest Lawn cemetery and the Cali Museum of Science and Industry, to which Stacey thinks MA is off her rocker. The cemetery part, I will concur. But the other one really isn’t that bad.

No one likes MA suggestions, and Dawn adamantly does not want to go to any amusement parks with Carol…she’ll wait for when her dad is off next week for that thank you very much.

Finally Claud suggests the beach, which Stacey is cool with but, she wants to go with her new friends. It would be totally stale if she was seen getting out of Carol’s van (what the hell, a ride is a ride! Get over yourself!).

Jeff decides that he doesn’t want to go to the beach with a bunch of girls, and says he wants to go on the NBC Television Studio Tour in Burbank (oooh, maybe they can star on Jaywalking on Jay Leno! Can you just picture it? LOL).

Carol’s hesitant (can’t say I blame her, I’m sure it’s a good trip to Burbank), and Dawn suggests that Carol drop the girls off at the beach, go to Burbank, and pick them up at the end of the day since they are allowed on the beach by themselves (naturally, because in BSCland they rarely need adult supervision for anything).

Anyway, Stacey’s relieved, because now she can still go to the beach with her friends. They show up early, but it’s a different car (more rattly, but the doors worked!) and a different driver. Dawn is immediately suspicious but Stacey tells her to STFU because she does NOT want to look uncool around her new boyfriend – I mean, friends. (Seriously, no crushes for Stacey? Paul? Carter? No? She’s losing her touch!).

So the driver is named Beau (pronounced Bo) and he makes a point to mention the spelling is B-E-A-U, like a real romantic guy. Oooh, is this where Stacey develops a new a crush?

Nope. Apparently Beau is an even worse driver than Paul, and Stacey mentions his name should have been Wild instead. Everyone laughs at Beau’s almost accidents on the way there, and when Stacey gets to the beach she feels powerful and charged and ready to ride…uh, well the waves I guess.

Stacey wants the BSC girls to watch her so she calls them over and goes out and attempts to ride a wave that is way bigger than she should. So naturally, the wave crashes down on her and the BSC is mortified. Dawn claims she could have killed herself.

All Stacey can think about is she hopes her bathing suit is still on. Way to prioritize Stace. Besides, it’s not like they all haven’t seen it anyway (*snicker*).

Chapter 11: Kristy

At first I thought this was a Mallory chapter because Bart writes Kristy a postcard and his handwriting is very similar (hmmm…is Mal playing a prank on Kristy? That would be totally dibbly fresh).

Anyway Bart informs Kristy of his boring stuff back at home then ends the note like this: “If you see any cute girls, tell them Bart Taylor said hello. (Just kidding). Love ya, Bart.” Wow, so not funny funny Bartman.

Kristy opens the chapter talking about how Bart is sort of kinda maybe not really but I guess her boyfriend. Ooooh! Kristy’s got a boyfriend!

So the We <3 Kids Club and the BSC gals have a sleepover, and Jeff is immediately outta there, to go over to Rob’s house instead. Apparently they decided Rob’s brother was the biggest Deadhead (mmm…okay, not going to go there).

Anyway, Kristy is totally Miss Negativity, assuming that the only food they’ll have is terrible, awful disgusting health food. She ends up eating a peanut butter sandwich (all natural peanut butter, but hey, it’s still peanut butter).

Dawn barely gives anyone a chance to eat before she rants and raves about Carol. Jessi tries to point out how Carol has just been trying to make sure they all have fun while her dad is working, taking them places but Dawn ain’t listening and snaps, “And she let Mallory dye her hair blonde,” said Dawn sarcastically.

Okay, last I checked Carol did not buy the hair dye nor did she assist Mal in her hair dying experience. Mal points out that Carol had no idea what she was going to do but Dawn believes she should have. Okay Dawn, first you want Carol to leave you alone, now you want her to play mom to all of your friends idiotic ideas? Come on!

Stacey breaks the tension by bringing up a new topic, which is naturally a cute hot boy she met – nope, surfin’ yet again. Maggie is impressed that Stacey learned to surf after a few lessons ‘cause it took her forever.

Jessi feels the need to boast about Derek and P.S. 162 and Jill is all impressed that Jessi actually knows him (why is Jill excited? Doesn’t Maggie see a new star everyday or something?). Then Jessi mentions she was in a crowd scene. And the director likes her looks.

At this point I applaud Maggie for staying mum, because she could totally one up Jessi here with her director father, living in a mansion and seeing stars all of the time. But, she remains silent.

Stacey mentions Claudia found a boyfriend and Claud is miffed (why the hell won’t Stacey let Claudia tell her own damn stories?). Dawn chooses this moment to tell Claud that she doesn’t think she should change her personality for Terry when Carol checks in to see how everyone is doing and Dawn says “just ducky!” (Damn, must be nice to be Ducky getting it on with all those girls!).

Dawn grumbles a bit more about Carol and Maggie changes the subject by bringing up Kristy’s baby-sitting job for Erick and Ryan on Saturday. Kristy is miffed that she would even think super baby-sitter Kristin Amanda Thomas would forget about a thing like that!

Then Dawn remembers that her dad was planning on taking them to Universal Studios on Saturday, and Kristy’s like, “what’s the big deal? I’ll take them with me!” The We <3 Kids Club tell Kristy she’s crazy, but Kristy doesn’t care because she is on a mission to prove that she is the best baby-sitter ever. So what else is new? MA wants to invite Stephie but freaks out that it might be too hard on her asthma and Maggie is like “you’re crazy bitch, she’s not an invalid!”

Kristy gets all superior thinking what do they know and even mocks them in her head saying and I quote “They’re the irresponsible members of the club with the stupidest name I’ve ever heard of.

Well damn! I didn’t know if you didn’t run things exactly the same as Kristy that made you irresponsible and stupid.

Luckily, before all hell breaks loose, a dibbly fresh pillow fight is started, but Jeff and Rob are disappointed when it isn’t like the pillow fight in “Animal House.”

Chapter 12: Claudia

Claudia writes a postcard to Janine and I can just picture Janine cringing at the horrible inconsistencies in spelling in this thing. Of course, Claud doesn’t remember who Janine is because she still hasn’t figured out the difference between how and who.

Claud of course, does not tell her sister about Terry. Even though she has another date with him and is all nervous. Her friends are taking on the approach of the Genie in Aladdin, telling her to “be-ee yourself.” But Claud’s unsure because he knows about worldly affairs and French. Claud says “How am I supposed to answer him? Say, ‘Hmm. Sounds like a Nancy Drew book I read once.’”

Yes Claud, I think you absolutely should say that. It would be hysterically funny.

So Terry takes her to a French restaurant (seriously, 13 year old boys going to French restaurants? And his mother allows this? Isn’t this a bit fancy for a bunch of pre-teens? Whatever happened to Steak-N-Shake and Denny’s?).

Claud ends up borrowing a dress from Dawn…wait for it…yes it could be…a Laura Ashley dress folks! Simple, with a small flowered print with half-sleeves, a regular old waistline, and a nice lace collar. How very…un-Claudia. No wacky earrings, like sunflowers that matched the flowers on the dress? How about some striped leggings underneath the dress. No? How disappointing.

Claud says, “I looked like a nine year old. Or maybe a grandmother.” I was going to say that it sounds like a dress I wore to an Easter Sunday service when I was 10, but she beat me to it.

Terry is wearing a suit. A suit! WTF!? They are 13, not 22! Hell, the only time I got any guys in high school to wear suits was for school dances, and even that was an ordeal for some of them. This whole plot is ridiculous.

The man at the reservation counter speaks French, and poor Claud is in for a rough evening. They are shown to their table and Claud mentions how she understands the word intimate now. (Are they a restaurant like the one in Sex & the City that had the beds in it? Now I’m even more convinced this is bogus!). No, no. Intimate is a small table for two where both sit on the same side. So, you know, you can play footsies and hold hands and perhaps delve into other areas of intimacy while you are at the table (this is SO not appropriate for these kids!).

So you can guess what happens next, it’s pretty damn obvious. The menu is in French, but Claud doesn’t want to look stupid so she randomly picks something on the menu and orders: escargot. Terry is tres surprised and Claud nonchalantly states that they often have escargot at home (and somewhere in a small town in Connecticut, Janine is laughing her ass off).

Claud tries a lame attempt to impress Terry with her international current affairs knowledge, but fails, and then she’s completely confused when he mentions the greenhouse effect.

So, the snails arrive and Claud’s mortified and sure there must have been some mistake. No mistake and she actually eats them! (The things we women do to impress men, seriously, I would have just laughed it off and said you know, silly me, I meant the chicken that was right underneath this on the menu!).

Claud still does not talk about her true self and is so sure she made a fool of herself, she cries on the way home (Terry does not notice). Well duh, of course you acted like a fool! That’s what happens when you try to be someone that you’re not. Okay, off soapbox, next chappie.

Chapter 13: Mallory

Vanessa writes a note to Mallory and her handwriting is scarily similar to Kristy’s. Vanessa writes Mal a poem, ‘cause I guess there wasn’t anything interesting going on at the Pike household while Mal was away.

Mal is excited about Universal Studios. She is so sure that Mallory Pike Barbie will be a hit. Mal actually re-dyes her hair because she is afraid of it washing out. *smacks head* Girl, if your hair is actually blonde, it is NOT going to washout and be red again, I promise you that.

Jessi is annoyed with Mal because she’s taking over the bathroom putting on her makeup. I’d be a bit miffed too though, they have 7 girls trying to get ready and Mal’s taking over.

Anyway, they load the van and pick up Stephie, then Erick and Ryan, who clearly foreshadow that the We <3 Kids Club might have been right about them by being a couple of rowdy young boys (that apparently scare Stephie, lol). All Mal is worried about is her makeup and her hair, when she asks Jessi about it she snaps “it’s fine.” Ouch. You can cut the tension with a knife.

Mal then realizes that she doesn’t have enough money to get into the park because she spent an ungodly amount of money on beauty products, so she asks Jessi for money, which Jessi graciously does let her borrow, even after Mal indicates that she’s going to be poor for the rest of the week.

Apparently no one thought to bring a camera, so they buy disposable ones (except for Mal, she realizes that she shouldn’t borrow money for those types of things. Well, at least she’s mature about that).

They get pictures with Woody Woodpecker, then a fake Frankenstein freaks Mal out when he attempts to pat her hair (hey, she should be thrilled that someone is actually paying attention to her fake platinum locks).

So they get on a tram for the special effects tour and the announcer mentions they need some volunteers and Mal is so sure that no one will be able to resist her blonde self. Clearly annoyed with Mal’s smugness, Jessi retorts how she learned all of this special effects stuff on the set of P.S. 162. And the director liked her looks.

Mal stays mum ‘cause she doesn’t want to start a fight. After all, she’s going to have to gank money from Jessi the rest of the trip, so she better watch it.

Chapter 14: Kristy

Kristy writes a postcard to Karen and Andrew. *yawn*

This is the chapter where Kristy really tries to convince herself that she was right about Erick and Ryan and that the We <3 Kids Club is full of shit. You can only guess what happens.

So they are on the tram on the special effects tour, and Kristy strategically sits Erick and Ryan in the middle with her and Stacey on either side (I’m sure Stacey was thrilled).

The announcer informs everyone that if they need to use the restroom, now is the chance to do it and Erick and Ryan immediately want to use the bathroom and swear that they can go by themselves (is anyone buying this? Oh, apparently Kristy is). She waits outside for them and of course, they take forever and the movie that they were watching is ending and the tram is about to continue onward so Stacey gets Jeff to check on the boys.

Oh yeah, they were squirting each other with wet paper towels and Ryan proudly states that “three of them got stuck up there!” Jeff tries to get them back interested into the tram by mentioning that they need a volunteer to play Elliott and demonstrate the bike scene from E.T.

The boys are excited about this, and guess who gets picked to ride the bike? Oh yeah, Jeff. The boys are annoyed and pitch a fit and one even tries to bite Kristy (hahaha, what goes around…).

So the boys are boys…they complain they can’t see, then like a of things on the ride, especially the special effects: the collapsing bridge, Jaws, flash flooding, they loved it and keep jumping out of their seats much to the tour guide’s dismay.

Then they enter a dark tunnel and it’s…an earthquake. Erick and Ryan are suddenly frightened as the earthquake is too real to them and Stacey and Kristy find two very scared boys in their laps (isn’t this normal for Stacey? I know, I’m terrible).

So, Kristy finally admits that Sunny, Maggie and Jill were right about the boys being wild, and that she isn’t the world’s best baby-sitter (wait a minute, is the apocalypse coming?).

Chapter 15: Mary Anne

Logan sends Mary Anne a postcard with a picture of a toilet on it. WTF? I guess because he references baby-sitting Jenny Prezzioso and how she wants to name her new sibling yucky toilet but seriously, did he actually go out and buy a postcard with a toilet on it? How…romantic.

We’re back at Universal Studios and MA worries about Stephie, even though her father said she’d be fine. Stephie sees Woody Woodpecker and is all excited and MA is about to faint and tightens her grip on Stephie’s inhaler (seriously MA, calm the eff down!).

They notice the fake Frankenstein and he pulls on one of Stephie’s pigtails and MA freaks, but Stephie just laughs. MA is worrying so much she’s gonna have to use that inhaler herself if she doesn’t lighten up.

Anyway, Stephie loves the tram and the tour. When they are face to face with King Kong Stephie grabs MA’s hand and MA grabs…the inhaler of course. King Kong bears his yellow teeth and MA swears he had banana breath (ewww).

And we have the usual Universal Studios stuff: flash flood, Jaws, avalanche, etc. Each time MA has a firm grip on the inhaler but Stephie just giggles and comments how cool everything is. MA is about to pass out from an anxiety attack, but Stephie is just peachy.

Finally, MA realizes that the We <3 Kids Club, Lisa Meri and Stephie’s dad were right, and Stephie’s attacks are not brought on by activity. Once again, the W<3KC does know what they’re talking about, imagine that!

Up next, Claud asks Janine for love advice (huh?), Stacey's thrilling days of surfing come to an abrupt hault, and Mal doesn't understand why people don't like her new look...