Sea City, Here We Come!
My first snark. This has always been one of my favorite Super Specials. It always made me want to be stranded in a hurricane. Lovely.



Prologue
Oh noes. This book opens up with a bunch of Jessi garble. What does Jessi’s ridiculous handwriting have to do with adventures in Sea City?! Turns out, Mallory convinced her parents to fire Stacey (who spends most of her Sea City time going on dates, anyway) and Mary Anne (what’d she ever do?!), and hire her and Jessi as mother’s helpers instead. Jessi is totes excited, vowing to be the “best sitter they ever dreamed of!” Gulp.

We’re supposed to believe that Alex and Mary Anne (best girlfriend ever!!!) have been writing back and forth for the past year. Whatever. Alex suffered a baseball injury, causing him to soak his hand in pickle brine. I’m sorry, but excuse me? What? Why?! Please enlighten me, cause I don’t get it at all!

Oh, some ~foreshadowing~ for Kristy’s adventures. Hannie and Linny are pissed they HAVE TO GO ON VACATION and will miss “Crushers” practice. Come on, Hannie. You are on the team. You have a t-shirt. It is Krushers. Your brother has a weird name for a little boy.

Stacey is boring. Claudia is welcomed to summer school, which is apparently held in the high school gym. Dawn is stoked to go back to Cali at the end of summer, but seems to be even MORE stoked about a “mini-camp” she and Mary Anne will be running back in the ‘Brook. “So far” 8 kids have signed up. Now, if I remember correctly, sign up should officially be closed. What happened to the 4 kids per sitter rule? Does Kristy know they are potentially breaking it?

Oh and shockingly, the Pikes have invited the losers stuck back in Stoneybrook (Claudia, Dawn, Mary Anne and Kristy) to join them for a week in SEA CITY!!! Squeeee!!!!!11!! Stacey’ll already be there as for some unknown reason Mrs. Barrett has rented a house near the Pike’s and obvs she needs help. Lucky Stace got “permish” from Stacey’s Mom and will be babysitting. Yay.

Stacey’s dad likes salt water taffy. Anyway. Um, I just wrote 5 full paragraphs for 4.25 pages.

Chapter 1 KRISTY

Kristy is writing to her aunt and uncle for really no reason. And she signs her postcard xxxooo which…seems odd for Kristy. Oh, underneath she is just a big ole teddy bear!

The girls and Logan have a candy taste off. It’s pretty dumb. Oh, haaaa…Claudia’s room is a pigsty, but the BSCers graciously “put up with it” because they love Claudia and she has her own phone line. At least Kristy had the ~decorum~ to mention their love of Claudia first. But you know the real reason is the phone. And the free candy you’re bound to find in whatever crevice you happen to stick your hand (ew).

Blah blah club description. They are nice and charming. Kristy allegedly loves animals. Claudia is wearing a fug outfit. Mary Anne knows when sad parts are coming in movies and cries in advance. Puh-lease. I love you, Mary Anne, but invest in a life. Oh, Kristy would be sensitive too IF ONLY her mom had died when she was an infant. Your dad can walk out at age 7 but w/e. Your mom really needs to die if there is any hope for a sensitive bone in your body.

Kristy thinks Dawn and Stacey are birds as “health food is for birds”. Kristy wants us to sit down to learn about Stacey’s injections. Stacey is allegedly not snobby. Some crap about Dawn’s hair that we NEVER, EVER GET TO SEE. Jessi, Mal. Shannon will be at drama camp. Why are they even mentioning her? Does she have anything to do with this book? We shall see, I guess.

OMG Myriah Perkins calls the BSC meeting to make sure the dumb mini-camp won’t interfere with Krushers practice. Stacey feels weird about going to Sea City with crazy Mrs. Barrett rather than the Pikes. MA and Dawn are supposedly sad mini-camp is almost over.

Ooooh Toby is excited Stacey’ll be in Sea City again. And Logan is super jelly about Alex being there. Oh but don’t worry. Logan will be there for a long weekend as well! Yay! I’m over it.

Chapter 2 CLAUDIA

Oh for the love of God. Claudia wrote this postcard to Stacey BEFORE THEIR LAST MEETING. OMG. Already talking about much she will miss her and then all “oh but you’ll be here for the meeting in an hour, lols! But after that I will miss you.” GET A GRIP WITH THE POSTCARDS, LADIES. FREAKING SERIOUSLY.

Claudia hates summer school. The 17 year olds are big and angry and omg don’t look at them, they might punch you in the face or something! The little kids look “pathetic.” I totes want Claudia babysitting my child someday. I mean at least she’s using the word “pathetic” behind the kids’ backs.

Claudia has made some EXTREMELY stupid friends. They refer to her as the smart kid. Ugh Claudia has to go say goodbye to the people leaving for Sea City. It is craaaaazy. The Pike kids yell and scream and act like fools. Claudia is really impressed with herself when she figures out the Pikes will be bringing back 16 people from Sea City. What a smartie. Counting. Thank God for summer school.

Mary Anne starts crying and she and Stacey hug and “rock back and forth.” Get a grip. Mallory, Jessi and Claudia do the same thing. Kristy steps in with some friggin common sense and tells them to STFU and stop it.

People finally leave.

Chapter 3 MALLORY (what, why?!)

I will trudge on, regardless.

Oh, but wait. So do Mallory and Jessi get paid for this? Or is the trip their payment? If so, is Mallory going to protest? Do they get like, 30 bucks at the end of the two weeks? Also, no illustrations yet, WTF?

Mallory wrote to Dawn. Nicky barfed on the way to Sea City. Why are they giving away Margo’s one personality trait? God. The nasty Pike kids count people they see picking their nose in their cars. First of all, nasty. Second of all, do people REALLY pick their noses that often in their cars? Cause these kids get to four in about 20 minutes.

Mallory wants to start some group story-telling thing. Nerdy-Ass Nicky is cool enough to think this is lame. Boogers are mentioned for the 2nd time in two pages. Really necessary. New Jersey apparently smells like ass.

Yay we get to Sea City. 3D cow. Crabs for Grabs (rofl. Stacey). NO LITTLE GIRL WITH A BARE ASS BILLBOARD. The Pikes are gutted. BUT NOT FOR LONG. Cause now the sign says “Weiner’s Weiners” which...come on, penises are WAY funnier than asses anyway. Her “bare bottom was instantly forgotten.”

Their Sea City house sounds like a friggin mansion. Mal and Jessi take over Stacey and Mary Anne’s old room. Oh no, the Barretts are here too. Why are they at Sea City again? I guess they are family friends of the Pikes, seeing as how Mallory has always known about Marnie’s allergy to chocolate, but still. Go home, Barretts. I’m not a fan of you.

Then, Mallory totally calls Stacey a slut. I mean, not EXACTLY using that term, but she does say “She would find the guys right away.” The nerve of a sophisticated, permed blonde New Yorker. Oooh Mallory sees Toby and his luscious brown eyes and is positively smitten! Go, Mal! You get the 15 year old dream boat!

Yay a picture. Toby, Alex, Mal and Stacey are standing on the beach. Mallory is wearing boy shorts and Stacey is wearing mom shorts . Stacey is like “whatev” and Mal is like “what do I need to do to make you like me?!?!” Stacey blows Toby off, so he reluctantly turns his attention to Mallory.

Mallory has NEVER felt this tingling sensation in her genitals before.