Broken Mind

alien_lint@yahoo.com — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 22:30:00 GMT

i sold my life on the internet
the man who bought it
didn't realize
how much i was worth

the house i lived in
echoes now and holds a chill
everything i called my own
seems bigger now it's not mine

he paid for my life
in dirtied, worn cash
he'd been saving up
for something this big

i'm looking for a new life now
maybe i'll just buy
someone else's world

i went on TV to find a soulmate
all i found were plastic people
with paper mache hearts
and wax lips

they set me up with an actor
we went on a date
to my favorite italian place

but the conversation was scripted
and the laughter was pre-recorded
the cameras added 50lbs
and followed us all night

i should've known
souldmates don't exist
in sitcoms and gameshows
who knows anymore
if they're even real at all.

swallow us both

alien_lint@yahoo.com — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 04:14:35 GMT

this jealous haze of june
swallows us both
me against him in this parking lot of whores
with the lazy dew in the air
we stumble and struggle to breathe
but we never say the words
we both know are there.

cold beers turn to warm puddles
that swallow us both
me against this chevy in this driveway of cracked dreams
with the romantic hum of a guitar
we belong anywhere but here and now
but we're still combing through
for any sort of escape

and before i can latch on to an exit door
he looks at me to say
     not all my songs are sad
     only the ones i sing about you
and suddenly i've melted
down to the puddle
of warm beer in that parking lot
where it all sparked off.

Unreality Glitch

alien_lint@yahoo.com — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 14:58:57 GMT

I had a strange experience this morning. While I was dreaming, I heard Shawn's ring tone. It was out of place. In the dream, I was going to a UK ball game with someone. Then, I heard his cell phone ring. I looked for it, but I couldn't find where it was coming from. I didn't think more of it until I woke up.

I was staring at my clock. The time was 6:25AM. I set my clock a 1/2 hour ahead, a behavior left over from my college days; so, it was really right before 6AM. Then, while I was awake, I heard Shawn's cell phone again. This time, it was coming from my hallway, right outside my bedroom door. I heard foot steps walk away from my bedroom. Then, I heard him answer the phone in his low voice.

IMPOSSIBLE, I thought. He gave my key back. This isn't even remotely like him. He would have had to break in. Or did he copy the key without my knowledge? Still not like him. Oh Gawd. He isn't dead, or I would have felt him die. What the fuck is happening?

I heard the muffled conversation, but I couldn't make out the words. Footsteps were heard pacing back and forth through my hallway. Then, the footsteps returned to outside my bedroom door. My back was turned to the door as my eyes were still fixed on my clock. I heard the door open. Footsteps approached my bed. I still didn't understand why or how he was in my house. I felt him bend over me, as if to kiss me goodbye like he used to when he would spend the night. I raised my right hand, with my index finger extended, as if to ask for a moment. I needed a moment. I couldn't roll over. I couldn't talk. Nothing made sense to me. He hovered over me as I held my hand up for what seemed like several minutes. I finally gained enough composure to quickly flip myself over.

Much to my surprise, when I turned over, there was no one there. My bedroom door was closed. I turned back over to look at the clock. 6:28AM. Tears started to stream down my face, although, I didn't feel like I was crying. They almost felt like they weren't coming from my eyes. I grabbed my cell phone and sent Shawn a text message just to make sure he was okay.

He finally got back to me at 7:18AM. He was okay. He was sleeping while I had my little experience.

This one, I really can't explain.

i dunno if I even wana hear from him, but then agen I do

alien_lint@yahoo.com — Mon, 05 May 2008 09:21:01 GMT

it has been over a month, not sure bout anythin anymore. part of me doesn't want to hear y or if we ever will talk agen, other part is dyin to find out. its a complicated emotion. thats y i am gettin more headaches, I think to much and worry to much. its down right annoyin!! he did give me happpy memories, so now if I go, atleast I had that.
my first kiss was with a goood friend (to bad he was to drunk to remember it) first times wer with guys I met on the net.
ain't life grand???????????????????

I am seriously upset!!!!!!!

alien_lint@yahoo.com — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 08:14:45 GMT

I think, I might or hav lost him. I realize he has had alot to deal with, normally wen I sa talk to u soon and they say ok, don't go over a month without speakin. I'm upset, worried and sad all at once.
I would try mmy hardest to contact u, no matter wut or wher I am. sick in bed, hospital, if ther is any use of communication. no cell battery or reception (thrr r these things called homephones & payphones). just a simple hi or leavee me alone,vwill do. he knows that, if 4 any reason, to write me off, he better tell me, kuz I'll keep tryin, until u do.

I wanna know y???????

alien_lint@yahoo.com — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 01:03:31 GMT

it has been so long since, I heard from cute and fuzzy bunny. he sed "we always be friends, but I guess that was a lie. he was an amazin friend, the short time, less than a yr. but since I like to say I hav Irish in me, the luck of the irish, not all luck is good, I just happen to hav a life full of bad luck, course it is good luck I had him.

my dumb ass compputer

alien_lint@yahoo.com — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 20:03:05 GMT

the wirin in the ac/dc adapter is either wearin out or sumthin, kuz it won't charge very well, unless its in a certain spot. very frustratin, I can't wait to get a new one.
latly, Brian and his girlfriendd hav been tellin me I hav alot to offer, but how can I, if no guy bothers to see or want it.

calm outside, screaming inside

alien_lint@yahoo.com — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 11:37:26 GMT

been over 2 wks, March 22. a lifetime 4 me, to go without speakin to sum1. I know hes sick, but 4 a wk, wut bout the rest of the time. its bad enuf to know we won't be as we were and hearin that maybe it was a mistake, now this is the cherry on top. I meen it would be a mistake, if I were Angel and lost my soul.
my life is a mistake and an inconvenient. y doesn't my my happiness ever last? my hearin loss, cost of doc bills and me havin people repeat wut they say, muscle weakness, more bills and I can't do much. friends, can't drive and mom so busy or I can't get a big time job.

winne the pooh: wherever you are
Come out moon
Come out wishing star
Come out
Come out
Wherever you are

I’m alone here in the dark
All alone and wide awake
Come and find me
I’m empty and I’m cold
And my heart is about to break
Come and find me

A need you to come here and find me
Cause without you I’m totally lost
I've hung a wish on every star
It hasn’t done much good so far
I can only dream of you
Wherever you are

I’ll hear you laugh
I’ll see you smile
I’ll be with you just for a while
But when the morning comes
And the sun begins to rise
I’ll lose you

Because it’s just a dream
When I open up my eyes
I’ll lose you

I use to believe in forever
But forever is to good to be true
I've hung a wish on every star
It hasn’t done much good so far

I don’t know what else to do
Except to try to dream of you
And wonder if you are dreaming to
Wherever you are

Wherever you are

I can't take it anymore, if u knew how it feels, its like I'm dyin!!!!

alien_lint@yahoo.com — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 09:05:26 GMT

13 days with no word from cute and fuzzy bunny. I realize and sumwut understand y the benefits stopped, but we agreed to stay friends. I didn't plan too get this close, let him in, open up, as much as I did.I'm slowly accepting it, but him avoidin me, makes it hurt so much worse. If he had a job wher he on cal like a sergon/fire fightter or military, I would undersand. sumtimes the get assingments that stop em from contact with civilians.

4 me ther is never an excuse to go this long without talkin. If I wer in the hospital I'd call or get sum11 to call u, deep in the mountain and no cell phone usage I'de find a house phone or pay phone.

my pathetic life!!!

alien_lint@yahoo.com — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 11:45:53 GMT

I hav had many heart breaks, but never had a bf. I'm 24, so thats rather pathetic abd hard, so not by choice. Rarely guys look twice at me, kuz I'm in wheelchair and no1 knows y.

my current heart break, was with benefits. we remained friends after, but talk less and I can't see him, it fuckin sux! been 10 dayz without wordall guys see me as "friend girl", never realationship like, I want more, but can't seem to figure out how!

my family plays a big part of my depression. I hav 2 older bro's, who hav big time excitin job. One travels alot and has a 4 yr gf, he has sum kinda law job. my oldest is a gr8 waiter, and has a 2 and a half son. I can't get a fulltime job (get tired easily), can't travel alone.

Choke, Icarus

alien_lint@yahoo.com — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 19:22:33 GMT

Your suicide note was pointless;

a ramble, a talk-show-radio rant

your wife had said death would become you
your children were crying with purple, cosmic skins
knitting themselves back together, after you

you: a rage, a lividity; you threw the sun agaisnt cement
he cried, his sister watched, his mother -
she downed a vodka before coming to his rescue
shaking, ink-stained hands ‘stop, icarus’

and you did.
and you flew:
your wings, made of wax
sizzled on the electricity lines
that snake from our houses to our streets
it worked as good as any other means; your wings
stitched together and ochre (of the earth), they fluttered
your final valediction: blue and red feathers, fluttering down
machinery whirred onwards, and we got your suicide letter in the mail
i asked ‘could icarus die?’ and my mother nodded, sombre
we lit a candle for you, and we saw your burning in its very middle
we held a service, and we wore your favourite skin shade
we said goodbye to your rotting face – i even kissed it
i kissed you, i mean
you: a quiet, choking, bloated face
emmett till without the rage
peaceful in your cartoon disgrace.

in context: this was written after the funeral of my uncle. yes, he died of suicide. or he chose it. whatever.

My Voodoo Shoes

alien_lint@yahoo.com — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 18:59:29 GMT

My shoes I've had as long as I can remember.
Five dollars at a garage sale,
good quality for the price.
Made of fabric that used to be black
but has been leeched away to a spotty grey
in which I sometimes see my reflection
when I'm looking another way.

My shoes are tied up with bits of twine and safety pins
laces abandoned them long ago.
Ragged and dirty, the twine binds my shoes tight to my feet
a welcome straight-jacket for my toes.
While the pins silence my shoes' outspoken tongues
Stabbing down through the tough flesh.
All these needles in my voodoo shoes.

My shoes have been crying, I can tell
The eyelets are a watery pink
Tear stains all down the sides.
They hate the running, they hate the rain
They're tired and cold and long overdue for rest
So on the worst of nights I'll zip them up inside my jacket,
and hug them close to my heart.

My shoes take me where ever I go
But I don't blame them for where I end up.
In heaven I'll be running barefoot
and my shoes will retire to God's closet.

a story

alien_lint@yahoo.com — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 06:36:04 GMT

about a girl i lost. in more ways than one.

http://iwasaboy.livejournal.com/1858.html

alien_lint@yahoo.com — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 19:11:15 GMT

Add me to your friends, come follow my journey.

This is where it all comes together. This is where I can tell you, in secrecy, the way my mind works. The way my life twists and turns, just like everyone else's. The way I dig myself into holes so deep that I'm fucked with finding a way to get out. I want to help. I want to help you relate. I want to help myself understand. I am a daughter, a sister, a best friend, a worst enemy, and the one you can never let go of. Please give me a chance. This is my story.

Love,
Anonymous

alien_lint@yahoo.com — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 19:18:32 GMT

Add me to your friends, follow my journey. I want you to know me.

This is where it all comes together. This is where I can tell you, in secrecy, the way my mind works. The way my life twists and turns, just like everyone else's. The way I dig myself into holes so deep that I'm fucked with finding a way to get out. I want to help. I want to help you relate. I want to help myself understand. I am a daughter, a sister, a best friend, a worst enemy, and the one you can never let go of. Please give me a chance. This is my story.

Love,
Anonymous

alien_lint@yahoo.com — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 17:12:39 GMT

Promise me when moon sits high
Inside its glassy vodka-clear sky
When outside whispers words foreboding
And somewhere muscles tense, pistons loading
That like a cat with no reservation
You will leap to consecration
Take apart my fragility
Suddenly and with agility

--x--

For an instant I touched your fingertips
Kissed you in the night
We forgot the cold around us
Though it exploded around our faces like a white lotus

I stood and watched you leave that morning
I could move, but not breathe
I had forgotten how
In sooth a part of me was stole away again
When you took to the skies

Now I am feverish
Delirious and relentless
Hands as claws scraping at the earth to which I am bound
My heart has turned to that of a wolf
My head has turned to the wind
I will come
I will come if it is the death of me.

My Mind

alien_lint@yahoo.com — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 05:03:54 GMT

My mind can't escape
As the cold wind screams past
Echoes of laughter

When the wind blows
I will kiss you like sunshine
To watch you from up high
All I want to be is your sunflower

beggar for love

alien_lint@yahoo.com — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 05:18:44 GMT

kiss me again, love
like only you can
when your eyes call me beautiful
and your fingers messy up my hair
press me against this corner
kickstart my heart
with just the graze of your lips

i've forgotten the way you taste so good
that scent that could only be yours
faded away weeks ago
so devour me like you did that time
remind me all of you can be.

i'm jonesing for your arms about me
i've got a craving for your voice in my ear
tongue tied and tumbling for you
sweep me up into you again

those fingers were once discovering me
those eyes were once swimming in me
that voice once buckled my knees
before it all swirled into a chaos

now i'm a beggar for love.
stumbling over my enormous emotions
screaming out through my watery eyes
with fingers crossed
and my heart knotted
that you'll come around soon.

I'm Sorry

alien_lint@yahoo.com — Sun, 10 Feb 2008 06:06:01 GMT

There's no other way to say it,
Nothing left for me to do
But to say once more I'm sorry
and I always will love you.

I've let my life escape me.
I've forgotten what was real.
Like how you take my breath away
And how you make me feel.

I've hurt the person I love most.
I let love slip away.
I have no right to ask for this
But I'm begging you to stay

I'm sorry for the things I've said.
I hate what I have done.
I hate that I have hurt you.
When I know you are the one.

There's nothing more than I can say
No excuse that I can make
But to beg you not to walk away
If only for love's sake.

No matter where life leads us.
Whether we're together or apart.
Remember that you fill my soul
and will always have my heart

suicidal screams

alien_lint@yahoo.com — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 17:09:21 GMT

I'm horrible at this thing called life,
So I should just end this strife
My friends don't really care
My parents were never there
And my life isn't worth a dime.
I have to go through with it this time.
I hope you understand
My life isn't in your hands.
Now it rests on the side this blade
Soon, colors will start to fade.
This world will blur and melt,
Wish you could feel the pain I've felt.
For way to long, I've pushed it aside,
But in the end some things you can't hide.
And know that I will be alright,
I'm saying good-bye tonight.
Press the blade against the skin,
After a tuff, the blade wins,
spilling my blood to the ground.
I can't phathom the simplest sound.
I hear a buzzing within my head
No one listened to a thing I said.
I'm lying hear screaming with pain,
Letting it out, watching red flow down the drain.
I saw my life as a fly on the wall,
My parents laughing every time I fall.
My friends are crowded around,
Watching my soul begin to drowned.
Why are there smiles on your faces?
I'm tierd of the too familiar places.
I hope you can see,
this wasn't easy for me.
But it makes things better in the end,
You no longer have to pretend!
I know you never really loved me,
It was the fact that you told me you did that bugged me!
My muscles are growing weak,
I try to scream, but can't speak.
I can't hold my eyes open anymore
I can no longer feel my skin against the cold floor.
This is it, I'm saying good bye.
And if some of you are wondering why...
I ended my life today,
To make all the pain go away.
I couldn't take it any longer,
But this can help make you stronger.!
Goodbye everyone that didn't care,
Goodbye parents who were never there.

Sanity Ends

alien_lint@yahoo.com — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 18:45:42 GMT

How am I supposed to breathe
When the air feels so unclean
And I don’t mean from pollution
Because there is no solution
For the OCD
That is eating at me
The counting begins—and the
Sanity ends

Oh I'm crazy
It's not so easy
To please me
Because I'm crazy

You see I'm truly
So very
Certifiably
Crazy

People are scared of my mind
They know it's like no other in
Human Kind
Don't look foreword
Don't look back
Cause everyone knows
My mind's on the attack.

I will fight back

First Aid

alien_lint@yahoo.com — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 05:55:52 GMT

I've seen the ones before you lay
To you the only one who questions sours
Living down in filters
Places that you favor
Keep you as my holders spell

keep

alien_lint@yahoo.com — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 03:29:01 GMT

a beating
a place
a broken stare
someday i will get mine i swear

i wont take my turns with anyone
when they all took their turns on me

apparent
a reason
to get to be sure
i think thats all that all of you were

a lesson repeats and repeats
but then theres always more shit to hear.

Hush little baby

alien_lint@yahoo.com — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 05:11:24 GMT

He laid his hands upon me, when I was a mere child.
He touched me in place I knew as forbidden.
I couldn't sleep through he storm,
So he laid me down in his bed.
Hush little baby, don't you cry,
Tonight I'm going to make you want to die.
He stripped me of my clothes, what was he thinking?
I needed to be punished, I should have been sleeping.
At two years old, laying naked in a grown mans bed.
He slid his hands around on my tiny body.
Hush little baby, don't you cry,
Tonight I'm going to make you want to die.
As you guessed, his hands started to wonder,
Between my legs, inching higher and higher.
He covered my mouth as I tried to scream in pain.
Then he unzipped his pants and made me choke on that snake.
Hush little baby, don't you cry,
Tonight I'm going to make you want to die.
I cried and begged, he smiled and made things worse.
He was using to fingers, and his thumb, I'm sure you can guess.
His fingers replaced by the snake, his thumb remained.
Putting me through agonizing pain.
Hush little baby, don't you cry,
Tonight I'm going to make you want to die!
It seemed like days, he just wouldn't stop.
I could feel him shiver, through the pain I felt a throbbing.
I felt like I peed myself, but he was finally stopping.
Lying there bleeding, battered and bruised.
He just walked away like nothing happened.
Hush little baby, don't you cry,
Tonight I'm going to make you want to die!