Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the bpd sufferer's LiveJournal:

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Friday, September 26th, 2008
8:51 am [blissfulmisses]	Bipolar, borderline, or traumatized? Where's the line? My mother was bipolar with severe ups and downs when I was a child up until about age 17. My mother underwent many ECT treatments (she's also an epileptic with both classical grand mal seizures as well as the atypical complex and simple partial seizures, as well as "rage seizures"). After many a suicide attempt and long-term hospitalizations combined with ECT treatment, she became schizophrenic - to the point of both auditory and visual hallucinations. She is now practically tranquilized by meds so that she doesn't beat her head into a pulp to "quiet the voices". I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress by a few psychiatrists at around age 16 - and stopped going. I was diagnosed with ADHD after losing 165 pounds through gastric bypass surgery (from 265 lbs/5'2 to 100 lbs in under a year's time). I've suffered many a complication from my surgery - both physical and psychological (not adapting to my new body well, difficulties coping with sociological discrimination and coming to the realization that society HATES fat people and loves my new esthetically-pleasing body) - plus coping with my mother's illness, and my younger brother's trauma-induced borderline personality disorder. I'm getting married in 9 days - and suffer from anxiety - only really after moving out of my house. I feel personally that my brain was in "survival mode" all the years living home with my extremely unbalanced mother (many an ER trip, ambulance calls for violent suicide attempts - hangings/attempted drownings/overdoses, etc - plus the occasional violent seizure or fall down the stairs), and once I left my brain allowed me to sort through all that I was unable to while living under those circumstances - and then allowed me to "break down", in sorts. My issue is - my doctor diagnosed me as "atypical" bipolar (whatever the f*ck that means) - and I feel it's BS. I think I've been traumatized - and there's a big difference. Alot of my behavior is learned and I try to separate learned from reality as best as one can do under these circumstances. I believe he thinks I'm bipolar because in times of stress I either sleep ALOT (15 hours+) or not at all (under 6 hours). Can't this just be stress? Where's the line between bipolar disorder and trauma? Or mimicry? Or simple ADHD that causes anxiety because I can't friggin' focus - and the fear of becoming my mother? (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 25th, 2008
10:48 pm [talulakim]	help me please? first off, *hugs* to everyone who has to go through this crap. it sucks bigtime. my name is Kim, im a 31 yr old single female, currently having issues that i need help with. this is where i cut for any possible triggers. ( Read more... ) so i need to know, are my meds making me sick? am i doing the wrong thing with the xanax? i will be calling my psychiatrist's nurse tomorrow (he has fridays off, yay) and asking her, but a lot of times personal experiences from other people help more than a "professional" does. I appreciate any and all words of advice, encouragement, and yes...even constructive criticism. I have been living with this disorder since i was 5 yrs old (was only diagnosed when i was 16), and in the next week if things don't improve I will most likely have to quit my job, get on disability, and move back in with my folks. Or...worse. *big hugs* ~Kim (this might be cross-posted in other places, pardon me) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 24th, 2008
3:38 pm [angryfreak_goth]	Am at the Hobart Clinic, a private place for people with mental illness. Its alot more spiffy than DPM (department of psychological medicine). Though you have to go get your drugs and serve your own food. Which I dont mind its just different. I can actually go outside here...there's "landscaped" gardens. I havent actually been outside yet. DOWNSIDE: The doctor Im seeing is a dick. And he's obnoxious and wont let me finish my sentances....it shits me big time. And you know what? There's nothing I can do about it. Im only allowed to see him. Shit on a brick. Am updating myself on the world of hollywood by reading the abundance of trashy magazines. On a good note, I'm allowed Diazpam again! Yay for drugs! It seems everyone here is on friggin' Stillnox. Which is apparently one of the drugs that Mr Ledger accidently ODed on. Stupid doctor has fluffy hair and a bald spot and he looks like he's only in 40s at most. heh thats what you get when your an asswipe I guess? (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 21st, 2008
12:51 am [ashley_v85]	OCD medication Kinda O/T since it's not bipolar related, but I'm bipolar and have OCD as well, so I thought I'd ask here, haha. I'm sure this has been posted a million times before, but I don't usually frequent here, so I'm not sure. If this question was posted recently, I'm sorry. Anyway, I was just wondering what medications have worked best for those of you with OCD? I have tried both Lexapro and fluoxetine (Prozac) for OCD, but neither of those have worked. I'm going to be seeing a new psychiatrist, so I was thinking that I might ask about Luvox. So I'm just wondering what medications have helped control your OCD symptoms the best. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, September 12th, 2008
9:36 am [beautifullies86]	New hello. i'm 22 and have been dealing with mental disorders since i was 12. i thought i was better. i've been keeping a stable relationship with a good man for over two years. i finally got a guy that doesn't treat me like shit yay! in those two years i have quite cutting, purging, and have stopped starving and am currently working on not restricting. i quite drugs and i quit drinking everytime things were hard. i did all this without meds and therapy. i have been on some type of med since i was 5 so it was a relief to be free of it. but lately it's all catching up to me. the ups and downs are more often. the depression is keeping from leaving the bed and the anxiety is keeping me form leaving the house. i need a job but i'm too scared to look. i'm tired of being rejected due to a scattered job history (thanks bpd). i feel like i can't think normal. my thoughts are scattered and racing and i really want to talk to someone. my boyfriend is not understanding about mental illness. he believes ppl should just get better overnight. i started smoking pot again to try to cloud my mind and i feel it helps with the depression but it makes the anxiety a lot worse. i want to get valium so that maybe i can look for work and make it through a few days but i dont know anyone. i want therapy again but i have no insurance and i don't want to just be fed bunch of pills that might not work.  i want someone to understand me! i want out of this stupid head. i'm driving myself crazy trying to understand myself and i just wanna give up. and my bigget worry is that i'll never have my dream. i want to be a psychologis and help ppl find their way through the dark but how can i help anyone if i'm still sick? how do i make this all go away? i'm tired of crying all the time. even when there's nothign going on i still just cry. i'm tired of being angry and not knowing why. i'm lost. i'm confused. i'm frustrated. sorry bout the long post. there's a lot bottled up inside of me. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 7th, 2008
2:35 pm [vivaciouswitch]	going on 18 im 17 and ive known that ive had bpd for 2 years its been a fucking rollercoaster relationships dont work friendships dont work im not anti-social i just dont like people my temper i cannot control hence - no friends i push everyone away i hate it Current Mood: blank (1 Comment |Comment on this)
1:33 pm [nyeretari]	I have my intake appointment this Wednesday... after at least fifteen years of bullshit, little cycles in big ones, I'm trying to get help. I've been stable for the last two days, which is an achievement. Things have gotten so much worse in the last two or three weeks... where I was depressed, I've become angry. Viciously angry. I manage to keep enough self-presence to *not* lift my fingers from the keyboard and beat the snot out of the people I live with. I don't want to go to therapy, I don't want to see a shrink. I don't want to be medicated. I like the intensity of my swings - when I'm not in the middle of an episode. I'm trying to find a substitute, so I'm back to one of my old habits - I crave that new relationship endorphin high... but I'm finding myself in a relationship with someone, and at the same time, allowing another to feed this addiction... no, I'm encouraging him to feed it. I don't think he knows that I'm doing this. I shouldn't be doing this, mainly because I can't differentiate between love-devotion and love-attraction. I feel like a whore, only emotionally and not sexually. ..."I love you so much that if I were a zombie, I'd eat your brains last." When I'm stable, I want the intensity and violence of a good anger rush. When I'm rushing... I want quiet, calm, and I hate myself for what I'm afraid I'll do. Fuck it. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008
6:49 pm [perfectingangel]	Hi Hi my name is Heather........ I'm 27 years old. I have been suffering with BPD most of my life but just recently coming to accept it. I am not in therapy yet but I want to be. I got out of jail last week for shoplifting and resisting security. I guess I limited my impulsive acts down to just shoplifting. Now it's none. I don't drink or do drugs anymore. I don't cut myself but I do binge eat sometimes. I have a very supportive fiance although he is gone a lot and the lonlyness drives me crazy sometimes. I don't know what else to say right now....just that BPD is HELL and I can't imagine how we are all still here...... seriously. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, August 29th, 2008
1:13 pm [karenadverb]	Falling My ex boyfriend is getting married. He met this girl just a month after we broke up and I'm not even over him yet. But there it is. I feel like I want to die. I don't want to kill myself, sometimes I just wish I could sleep forever... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, August 25th, 2008
8:53 pm [nyeretari]	An open question for everyone: The suicidal thoughts train has left the station and is chugging along dangerously. What do you do when you have no interest in doing anything, when you've lost all your friends, and it seems that everyone you talk to is just out to kick you in the teeth (because of irrational paranoia)? I'm utterly lost. I haven't picked up any of my hobbies in months. My henna book-in-progress is lying forgotten and collecting dust; I haven't seen any of my favorite movies in almost a year, and I've not touched my journal or tarot in weeks. I'm not medicated. I've done everything I can to try to get help: my family knows I'm not well, I'm working on lining up a therapist, and I've gotten rid of my prized firearm as of this morning. BPD, depression, whatever the hell people want to call it - it's destroying my life, and I can't stop it. I turn into a raging maniac and scream with the slightest provocation - sometimes all it takes is for someone to literaly touch me - and the only thing that stops me from raising my hand to people is my forehead's rather fond acquaintance with my window frame. I've lost friends because I try and try to explain something that can't be explained, and they can't understand what I'm going through. It's ruined three times over what could have been wonderful relationships. Right now, all I want, all I really, really want is to be able to believe someone when they tell me they love me... (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 23rd, 2008
9:42 am [blissfulmisses]	New Member Hello! I'm a new member, but feel sure I'll be posting. I suffer from GAD and ADHD. My GAD is most likely caused by a traumatic childhood raising my brother and caring for my agoraphobic schizophrenic mother, who also happens to be an active epileptic. My younger brother, who will be 19 on September 11, is a borderline personality. I figured you guys would appreciate this. So in the spirit of tattoos my brother finally decided on the back piece he's been pondering. My brother has borderline personality disorder, and so he designed his tattoo, in his head, as an illustration of the disorder; of his personality. The dragon is fierce and aggressive. The dragon spews fire, which turn to petals, which morph into butterflies, which fly off of his back. He had the picture in his head - but is no artist. He spent a week designing it with our tattoo artist. Here is the process. It took 5 hours total, and was done in one sitting. Under cut are pics of his tattoo, and a pic of my new tattoo - Japanese kanji: "strength" - on the same arm as my self-inflicted scars from when I was 16. On the same hand as my wedding ring. Done in white and outlined in light pink - a constantly healing scar, as strength is a process. Strength prevails. ( Read more... ) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, August 22nd, 2008
7:13 pm [angryfreak_goth]	I'm new... Hey, my name is Amie. I live in Tasmania, Australia. I'm 19 I just got out of a two month stay in hospital yesterday. So... I'm not ok. But apparently I'm still alive. I got sectioned at one stage and put in PICU which is Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit. Which means I was put there involuntarily and had a court order put on me. I was stip searched and had to take out alot of my piercings. (I have 27)All jewellery was taken and I had only one set of clothes. I wasnt allowed to have my phone or shoelaces and there were cameras in basically every room including bed rooms. I got put on new medication and it keeps being increased. They wanted to send me to New Norfolk which is a long term psychiatric facility (usually 6-12 months) but by some amazing stroke of luck I got put back upstairs (Department of Psychological Medicine, DPM), which is still scary but so much better than PICU or New Norfolk. My Mum is trying to get me into a program that is in Melbourne which goes for 3-6months...Today is my first day home and I'm trying not to panic. I have a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and possibly schizophrenia. So *ahem* thats my entry for now. Gah need some Valium. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 20th, 2008
1:28 pm [suburbanitespy]	Gah... Frustration! I know that its mostly because I have no medication but I'm struggling to cope. I can't sleep, and if I give myself even a moment to think my head becomes swamped with suicidal thoughts. In fact, I'd say I have a fixation with suicide thats taken over my entire subconscious. The only other thoughts that enter my mind, besides general self-hatred, are paranoid fears. ...but maybe not so paranoid. I feel like everything I say is stupid, that every action I take will be judged, and that I have no redeeming qualities. My shut-in lifestyle, if you could even call it living, means my personality is devoid of anything of interest to anyone but myself, and in striving to become an individual I seem to have lost any sense of the identity that I once had. As well as that, nothing seems to give me any pleasure any more, which means stunted personal growth and a bitter and jaded attitude that sees even my best friends avoiding me. Even self-harm lacks the power to sate my anxieties anymore, though I'm still doing it whenever I have the privacy to do so. CAN'T MAKE A SOUND ~ Elliott Smith I have become a silent movie The hero killed the clown Can't make a sound Nobody knows what he's doing Still hanging around Can't make a sound The slow motion moves me The monologue means nothing to me Bored in a role, but he cant stop Standing up to sit back down And lose the one thing found Spinning the world like a toy top Till theres a ghost in every town Can't make a sound Eyes locked and shining Cant' you tell me what's happening? Why should you want any other, when you're a world within a world? If I try to turn to someone - my friends, such as they are, or my family - it feels like I'm telling them things they don't want to hear, or that they can't accept. Or, in the worst cases, they feel like my mum has already told me she feels: that I'm using my depression to be manipulative or to try and make excuses for my lack of motivation. The only friend of mine that I can talk to with any honesty, that will be compassionate and understanding, is now in prison for the forseeable future... so I have nowhere left to turn. I'm sorry for the despairing tone but I needed to vent, if only to take my mind off of the more drastic measures I'm inclined to take, but thank you for reading. Paul       (Comment on this)
Friday, July 11th, 2008
5:18 pm [xxjustkrisxx]	So yesterday right before I was to get ready and leave for work, I got a phone call that I was fired. I work for a company that has been contracted for another company by the Illinois toll road authority. (I live in Texas). Why? Story: I take me meds at 9pm every night, and I have for years, I take them just before I go to bed, because they make me drowsy. A month ago I started this new job with crazy hours (from 4:30pm to 1:00am) and I figured It wouldn't make a difference. Well about two weeks ago my meds started taking a toll on me again, and I was falling asleep at my desk. I work about an hour and 15 minutes from home, and it was tough driving and falling asleep on the road, I almost hit other drivers, almost ran off the road, and so for three days I left work early. My supervisor didn't mind at all, a few coworkers told him about me taking my meds, and he'd seen me get up to take them every night at 9, and the earliest I left was 11pm just to make it home, and even then I fell asleep at the wheel the entire way because of the meds. I didn't want to change my time of taking my meds, because my dr tells me that it could make me sick of have unwanted effects if I just all of a sudden start taking my meds at a different time,and I won't see him until the 17th. I waited, I thought I could make it... Obviously not, even though my supervisor didn't mind and was very understanding, the company that they contracted through, (that I was working for) did not understand and didn't even care. My fiance tried explaining to them about my meds, etc, but im still fired. Lucky that I have anew job already and I start monday. In case anyone was wondering, I have Bipolar II disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder. My current meds are: Geodon - 80mg Prozac - 80mg Wellbutrin - 350mg Clonazepam - .10mg Jolessa (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 10th, 2008
8:37 am [beckespector]	Allergic To ALL My MEdications. Hey. I'm allergic to all my meds. Now I'm going through the most horrible thoughts. I dont think my dr's can put me on any medicine anymore. I'm scared of myself. Is anyone off their meds? Thanks for listening. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, July 7th, 2008
10:54 am [petitnavire]	emergency advice needed Hi everyone... So I have been without therapy for about a year now. A few weeks ago I found myself in a downward spiral and sought out a new doctor. I saw him once, then the next week he double booked me by accident and then was on vacation the week after that. I have an appointment this week, but I feel like it's almost too late. For the past few days I have really been hitting rock bottom and have gotten really paranoid. I feel like everyone I know (even my best friends) hates me, and that I can't trust anyone. I have a complete breakdown once every few hours. I feel like I need medication now... I don't think I can wait any longer, something disastrous might happen. I don't want to go to the emergency room because it will be expensive and they will probably admit me... I can't afford a psych intake right now. Does anyone know if I have any options to get an immediate psych visit that won't result in hospitilization? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, May 26th, 2008
7:07 pm [suburbanitespy]	I don't know why exactly I feel the need to write this, but I do. Maybe because I want to get it off of my chest, or maybe because I'm always trying to better understand it myself, or maybe it's just important to me that other people understand my position. Whichever reason, I don't expect anyone to read it and I'm going to disable comments because, to be honest, nothing anyone says can change anything anyway. Of course, knowing that people care is food for thought, but in the end my problems are my own and I have to deal with them that way. I came to terms with that a while ago now… After 12/13 years of brush-offs from psychiatrists and counsellors and various failed attempts at prescription remedies, I began to self-medicate and search for answers myself. Reading about other peoples experiences, and reflecting on my own, led me to the discovery of Borderline Personality Disorder; a mental health illness that, despite my never having heard the term before, seemed to match all of symptoms perfectly. There are better sites with more detail and insight, but Wikipedia says it all well enough (though I do appreciate that it's a dubious source for "real" information and that these diagnostic tick-lists are no real indication): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder Aside from the obvious factors that stem from any kind of angst - such as tiredness, mood swings, guilt and anxiety – I also suffer from everything else on the list. Sometimes, as I'm reading the information (which I do so much), it seems like it's about me personally… It can be unnerving, that's for sure. A diagnosis of BPD requires, according to the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), five or more of the following to be present for a significant period of time: 1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. [Not including suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour covered in Criterion 5] The extremes I've been to were far too shameful to print here (I'm not willing to be that honest), but the sheer panic and terror that flood through me at the first sign of losing someone I'm close to is like a drug; like an extended adrenaline rush. In fact, I'm sure that's what it actually is… 2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. In my 25 years the only two relationships I've managed to sustain are the relationships I have with my mum and my aunt, and those, I'm sure, are only still alive thanks to the blessing that is unconditional love. Beyond that though, I've distanced myself from the rest of my family… My dad and my brother (who I love dearly) are almost completely gone from my life now, and despite both of their attempts at communicating with me, I still insist on avoiding any contact with them… Truthfully, the thought of having to communicate with anyone, including my family and friends, is terrifying… I have no real idea why. As for romantic relationships, it would appear that I'm incapable of those too (and again, those fears of abandonment). I'm not sure I've ever been in love. Hindsight has led me to believe that I always knew, subconsciously at least, that both of the serious relationships I've had were empty and unhappy, and that it was only the fear of losing everything again that was keeping me holding on… As nice as I am, my bitter and pessimistic attitude always reveals itself after time. It's too much for me to cope with so I'm sure it's too much for anyone else… I understand people's motives when they leave, I just can't accept them at the time. …And friends? I'm grateful for the one or two I do have now - without them I'd have no chance – but everyone else is gone. I cut them off too… 3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. My self-image is paradoxical at times. I have a certainty in my opinions and philosophies, and an acute way of expressing them that is essentially egotistical and arrogant. I dismiss middle-ground judgements and pigeonhole everything, all aspects of life and society, into categories labelled 'positive' and 'negative'. Unfortunately the positive box is nearly empty, while the negative box is overflowing and starting to poison even the things that I treasure in life… But all of that can disappear in the blink of an eye. I become unsure of myself and inarticulate, my heard pounds and I can feel a warm twist of hatred inside my chest. My nastiness shines through and I direct all of that violent, vitriolic anger and spite at the people I care about the most. I hate myself for it and wish I could I could explain to people how removed I feel from myself when I'm doing it… It's just so hard to tell someone something that you can't even work out for yourself. 4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, promiscuous sex, eating disorders, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). [Again, not including suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour covered in Criterion 5] Though I don't particularly consider it 'substance abuse', smoking weed is my main compulsion. It devours my money, my confidence, my motivation and my life. I even spent my girlfriends' money on drugs (with her permission of course, though I'm sure she only allowed me to do so out of a misguided sense of loyalty). Without weed I'm a much worse person, incapable of containing that rage that builds up so incessantly inside of me, and unable to fade out the darker thoughts that are always trying to leak to the front of my mind. The other compulsion that has affected my life (though again it took hindsight to realise it) is my desire to spend the money in my pocket, whether I can afford it or not… and I so rarely spend it on anything I need. Before drugs became the sole outlet for my money, I still never bought anything I needed, or wanted… I don't know… The only evidence I really have to support that claim is my debt, the knowledge that I've never saved any money in my life, and the simple fact that I have very few material possessions besides gifts. Admittedly, I've never been well off, but everyone has something, don't they? Maybe I am over-reacting on that one, but it's still an example. There are many other compulsions that I suffer. The mental torment I can force myself through is astronomical, but I do it anyway, because I feel compelled to… I feel comfortable there. 5. Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour Again, I'm keeping that to myself, but I will admit that most days I wake up feeling suicidal… I seem to be able to shake it through the day, but at bedtime it comes back. I would have been dead by now if it weren't for my best friend pulling me back from the brink a few years ago, just as time was running out… I can't say that I'm always grateful - I'm sure he understands – but it was… Urgh, I don't have the words to explain… I guess it was just nice to know that not everyone had given up on me. 6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) The despair comes in waves, it always has. One word or one thought can trigger it. An accidental memory or some weird, abstract association and I start to feel like all I can do is cry, or scream… Which is something that my surroundings and social situation force me to keep a tight lid on. My mood has been much more inward since I've lived here, with my friends. I'm sure its not good for me… 7. Chronic feelings of emptiness. Physically, its like something's missing in my chest, a little like being winded. Psychologically though, it's like… Having your heart broken… Or having a relative die, over and over again. A constant sadness and mourning for the part of me that's already dead… It fills my days… 8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights). As I've mentioned already, I've now learnt to control my anger to a degree (again, mostly due to my living situation). I internalise the feelings and deal with them in my own time. But if I'm ever given the opportunity to vent, or I just can't control myself, my rage terrifies me and starts to overtake my rationale… Though I was never actually physically abusive to my girlfriends, I often scared them with my anger, once to the point where I actually saw pure horror in her eyes… That moment was one of the most terrible and pivotal moments in my life. It changed everything for me. Right then I began to truly hate myself. I cut myself off from everyone… and attempted suicide. Sometimes it takes a profound event to shake you from your illusions, and to honestly reflect on the kind of person you are… and the kind of person you want to be… so I try to stay objective and make the right decisions. The biggest decision I've made is to keep people at a distance, so as not hurt them… but it's not always so easy when being alone is such an oppressive force. Obviously this is just a brief outline of the way I feel and some of the many things that are wrong with me. My life's been turbulent, unstable and scary, but I don't blame anyone beside myself. Sometimes I feel self-pity, of course I do, but I'm not looking for sympathy or a doctor, and I'm not looking to unburden myself to anyone. I wrote this for me, and for anyone else who might be interested… Hopefully, for those who know me already, this will allow you to understand me better… and for others, who perhaps don't know me at all, maybe it'll act as a warning ;-) If you do have something to say then please message me, I would like to meet people who have some experience or share some of the same issues… People who can see things the same way I do, or at least have done at some point…Or maybe you thinks its presumptious of me to self-diagnose so flagrantly? I'd still like to hear from you... Take care~ Paul –x- (14 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 24th, 2008
2:33 pm [djcliche]	http://community.livejournal.com/adayinmylife/1476277.html i was arrested and spent the night in jail for failure to immediately ID myself when 5 cop cars sourounded me for being puled over on the side of the road with my radio on too loud in Davis Square, Somerville. This was the day after i got out of MCLEAN where the restrained me on North Belknap for trying to cal 911 to report that the nurse assaulted me. While i was at Mclean, i discovered why everyone there looks so familiar. They are part of "the family" My family is cops on one side, mafia on the other. They are trying to kill me. I was raised by moral parents and family who did their best to protect me from h Mafia side, but i as gang raped when i was 12 because i have a ring from my Godmother. I was supposed to be the NEXT God-mother. That was the point of the ring, but the Mafia owns all the other gangs and owns slaves and i want no part in it. The Godparents have a camp where you are brainwashed and military trained while you are being potty trained. Whoever could potty train fastest and then torture and humiliate the other kids into potty training quickly as well gets to win the diamond ring and go home o their parents first. Alll i wanted was to go home. I never wanted to torture those kids. I was fucking 2 years old. Th mafia own the Boston sports teams and people are losing their money and gentrification is fucking up our city. This is the same war that is in IRaq. Hilliary Clinton is FAMILY. that is why she is dropping out of the race. I have been putting up signs everywhere. They are scared. Help me scare them until they back down. I'm sorry if this is scary, but i need the other heroes who read my blog to recognize that i you have GodParents, you probably went through this and if you ever say things like "It seems like someone is capitalizing on our fears" You are right. It is the Mafia. McLean hospital is the most famous psych ward in the world. James Taylor, Sylvia Plath, Rick James, Susanna Kaysen, Ann Sexton, Judy Garland, one of the Kennedy's. Also, the God-MOTHER is a white bread, white rich woman who works as a head nurse on Proctor 2 (the unit for sexual assault survivors with PTSD, "borderline personality" or Multiple Personalities. They do NOT Allow physical contact on that ward, including HUGS. The God FATHER works on North Belknap and is a very very large "cool" Haitian Creole man. The Reason that race issues are what they are is because the Mafia is BLACK AND WHITE. They are not who you were lead to believe they were, but hey make slaves. Dont let us be slaves anymore. please check out my day in the life photo link. Thank you. Be a hero. PS. i have not smoked wed in 2 days. I'm taking anxiety meds. This is not me being crazy.. its a crazy world and i'm being hunted cuz i know the truth. Help save me. Help save the whole WORLD!!!! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, May 23rd, 2008
7:00 am [daylightcomet]	I'm just everywhere I haven't posted here in forever. I think the last time I did I was in COMPLETE denial about me having this disorder or even about this disorder existing. I thought it was all a fabric of everyones imagination and that it was really just a fault of a bad boyfriend/girlfriend and shitty relationship. HA! Jokes on me huh? I'm back! It's so funny how you hear about people denying they have bpd, then you realize you've truly been one of those people. So, I just wanted to rant a bit at 6am since I can't sleep. My boyfriend and I are having issues. He's got a new job that requires him to be away from 6am to 10pm every night pretty much. Wow does this cause problems. Every second I get to talk to him I turn into an argument. I dunno if it's because I'm been bored all day or I'm just striving for any emotion that I can yank out of him (anger's the easiest to get). Anyway, today after his 5am-10pm day I asked him to spend 20minutes reading a website about Borderline Personality Disorder because I thought it would help us grow closer together and he refused saying he didn't want to get on the internet. I'm sure you all know what happens after this....I pull out the ex-boyfriend card and tell him that I'm gonna call him and that he would've read it. AND IT GOT HIM TO READ IT! Oh WHY am I reinforced for such behavior! BTW the site is http://home.comcast.net/~dkmuir/bpd.html (BEST site I've seen on Borderlines). I'm taking Symbyax. I've had to lower the dosage because I gained 10 pounds in 3 weeks and now the medication isn't working. I started biting my nails again. I can't sleep. All I want to do is drink, take sleeping pills or play world of warcraft to numb myself to the real world. Alright, done ranting. Current Mood: bored (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 1st, 2008
8:25 am [elevenwords]	New here Just wanted to introduce myself. I'm Sal, from London in the UK and I've just been diagnosed with BPD. I've suspected for a long time but was lumbered with a series of awful doctors who insisted upon sticking me in the bi-polar pigeonhole and throwing pointless meds at me. I'm in two minds about the whole thing. On one hand, I'm relieved to be having proper therapy and being taken seriously. On the other, I'm scared of the long process ahead and wishing there was some kind of quick fix. I know better but it seems like such a long, dark tunnel. I don't believe I have any deep secret skeletons in my closet, the revelation of which would make me better. It's just a list of emotional catastrophes that I remember all too well. Some of my friends have rallied around with support, some have run away and stuck their heads in the sand. I want to get through this, be a better person, go back to work, be productive. Right now I seem to be resorting to hiding away and endlessly distracting myself with movies and books. It's time I started understanding my illness better and fighting it. I'd love to hear from people, especially anyone local to me. Current Mood: thoughtful (Comment on this)