A Room Without Doors

borderline @ 2008-10-12T14:31:00

2008-10-12T18:40:32Z

Hey everyone.

I was wondering if anyone else has ever felt like they're not really awake when they are...
like zombified or in a continuous lucid dream?

Like, you're awake but the surrounds don't feel real as if you're really not there?
It seems to be getting worse for me.

I'm always exhausted and feel like I'm not awake.

Anyone have any advice or can relate?

Single

2008-10-12T17:42:40Z

I recently stopped seing someone.

You all know how hard that can be. Part of me feels this sense of emptiness and panic and the only thing that will cure it, is seeing him. I dont want to drink or use any other type of fix. I just want to see him, but thats not an option.

I'm trying to remember why we broke it off. which is cause I need to focus on my own recovery and we're not really much of a match.

any tips on how to cope?

borderline @ 2008-10-12T16:06:00

2008-10-12T15:08:46Z

View Poll: Spirituality

About the use of narrative in psychotherapy

2008-10-12T01:38:50Z

There's a kind of therapy called Narrative Psychotherapy or something like that. Anyway I got a most interesting book about it. When people are talking to the therapist about problems, the narrative therapist aims to get the client to think about situatons and problems, and are facilitated to do this by the therapist. The goals are about getting a more objective picture of things that have happened and exploring differents points of view of the people involved, but taking into account the subjective experiences.........er.....with me so far?

So I found an interesting list in this book about how we talk about our problems and the mindset/concepts - metaphors we tend to use when talking about our problems:

A list from "Maps of Narrative Practice" Michael White 2007, W W Norton & Co Ltd:-

People use a lot of different metaphors when trying to deal with problems:

Walking out on the problem (concept of agency)
Eclipsing the problem (astronomical conceptions of life)
Dispelling the problem (magical conceptions of life)
Going on strike against the problem (idea of civil action)
Becoming acclimated to the problem (concept of climate)
Setting themselves apart from the problem (concepts of separation and individuation)
Defying the problems requirements (idea of resistance)
Disempowering the problem (from the idea of empowerment)
Dissenting the problem's influence (idea of protest)
Educating the problem (concept of teaching)
Escaping the problem or freeing their life of the problem (idea of liberation)
Recovering or reclaiming the territory of their life from the problem (from geographical conceptions of life)
Undermining the problem (from geological conceptions of life)
Reducing the influence of the problem (from the concept of personal agency)
Declining or refusing invitations to cooperate with the problem (from the concept of civil society)
Departing the problem's sphere (from the journey idea)
Engaging in acts of redress against the problem (from the concept of justice)
Coming out of the shadow cast by the problem (from the idea of light)
Disproving the problem's claims about their identity (from the concept of objectivity)
Reducing the problem's grip on their lives (from physiological conceptions of life)
Repossessing their lives from the problem (from commercial understandings of life)
Taking their lives out of the hands of the problem (from puppetry)
Resigning from the problem's service (concept of employment)
Salvaging their lives from the problem (from the maritime world)
Commencing comebacks from problems (from the world of sports)
Stealing their lives from the problem (from the idea of theft)
Taming the problem (concept of training)
Harnessing the problem (equine world)

- People very rarely use a single metaphor

advice?

2008-10-11T19:29:45Z

how do you guys cope with uncontrollable bouts of anger?

mine are getting so bad. The tiniest thing will set me off on a rampage.
and I act like a child when I get angry. I yell and insult people and use cheap shots and get in peoples faces.

and i really can't stop myself. it's like something else takes over me, even though i know its wrong.

I almost physically attacked this girl at my school yesterday, and i would have done it had my friend billy not stepped in the middle and pulled me away from her.

my therapist is on vacation, so i haven't seen her in awhile and won't see her in time for school on monday, and i don't know if i can last another day without some kind of help.

Realization

2008-10-11T16:41:55Z

So, I've come to the realisation that when my bpd flares up, my mind filter goes out the window. What I mean by "mind filter" is that in most situations, if my thoughts start taking a negative turn, I can just tell them to fuck off or shut up. Well, I lose that ability when my bpd is triggered. It feels like I have mental tourettes. (ie I don't say the things I'm thinking aloud.)
Anyway, just thought it might be relevant.

(x-posted to my journal)

borderline @ 2008-10-10T22:11:00

2008-10-11T03:24:09Z

I started that psychosocial skills group and I love it! I've only been there twice, but already I have so much hope for recovery. I've started using my Diary Card and even went a step further. Every night I've been writing down a summary of my day. What triggered me, how I've felt, etc. to show my therapist.

Also... today I had an epiphany. I kind of had an episode and my SO and I were arguing/talking about it. All the time I'm begging and pleading for his attention. All the time I need reassurance about his relationship with his ex-wife, reassurance that he loves me, etc. He asked me why I could never remember these things and go back to them in my mind when I need reassurance. I told him I didn't know.

He asked me,
"Do you remember what you cleaned up 2 paper towels ago?"
No.
"Do you remember the date you last made spaghetti?"
No.
"Do you remember the cashier's name at Wal-Mart on Monday?"
No.
"Do you remember how I reassured you 2 weeks ago today?"
No.

He told me that I don't retain that information because it's disposable to me. It's meaningless. It puts a bandaid over it for the time being, but after that falls off I need another one. He's so right! I just don't know how to turn it into something valuable and make it last. You know what I'm saying? I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense.

new bpd'r.

2008-10-10T04:16:16Z

I'm just wondering..

why do some people with bpd have bad memory?
and why is it?

by the way,
i'm new :)

the too good cut

2008-10-09T23:36:19Z

i cut myself too good the other day. the knife butterfly-split a few layers of skin and before the blood could pool - and it barely did for some frustrating reason - i got this sense, as i stared at the layers of my skin,
that i WAS human and alive - that the work i would have to do to pretend that wasn't true and to cut deeper and harder would actually be more grueling and frightening than the work of recovery.

i wanted scars before - BRIGHT RED LINES SCREAMING TO YOU ABOUT MY PAIN AND SIMULATENOUSLY MY ABILITY TO WITHSTAND IT - but now i just pray that the sides of sliced flesh will meet up again and eventually close.

i dont want to see those layers again.
i was better when i just scratched the surface.

though strangely comforted at my sudden awareness that i AM alive and i AM a person that CAN DIE, i hate that i saw my insides like that. i was happier being miserable thinking i was invisible. now, suddenly things matter... i felt like when i made THAT particular cut, i cut God too. like i was pulling weeds in someone else's garden - that i ignored the keep out sign and proceeded into territory that wasn't mine to enter. i realized then how far away from suicide i really am. (because if i haven't the balls to see my insides ripped to exposure, than i have no business believing i can handle the afterlife - be it heaven, hell or a cold maggot filled eternal rest. if i can't handle the opening and exposure of all the layers of life i would have to sever to truly die, then i'd be a pussy to take pills or swallow bullets. i thought i meant business - that one day i would actually do it (though this wasn't what i WANTED, you see - something i just assumed would occur.) but now, carbon monoxide daydreams seem like weak mocking laughter saying "you couldn't handle real life OR real death. you ran from both and straight into the nothing.

i felt sad for my arm. like it itself was a thing, an innocent baby of a thing, that got hurt just for being at the wrong place at the wrong time (or connected to the wrong shoulder of the wrong person). i wanted to clean it and bandage it - not show it off or leave it raw. i want it to heal.

i finally got deep enough to where there was no pain - just a strange, almost automatic instintual need to heal. a place where the blood takes it time to show and the nerves never say hi... it is just you - your eyes - and your innocent layers of delicate flesh. ashamed for having seen something you weren't meant to see, you wait for the blood to quickly cover it up.

i saw what wasn't mine to see.
i now know too much.
i tredded on God's private truf.

my cuts, which i took so seriously before, now seem like little emo bumper stickers for all to see along with my chipped black nail polish.

but this one - this one felt like an afront to the Creator of life.
like dorothy, i peeked behind the curtain.

i may still want the cold trickle and sting of surface cuts. but i know now that when it comes to really getting close to the vessels and strings and muscle that can maintain or halt life, that i am out of my league.

i was made to be like a wiccan who doesn't believe in the devil so then confronts a demon dressed as a spirit guide. naive, innocent, vulnerable and shocked.

let me write about death and my need for relief.
but never again let my knife try to find it.
for now it isn't some abstract notion - but a reality.
the reality that there is more to dying than i care to deal with.
that perhaps i was better in my ignorant bliss with its little lines of scabbed surface skin, then i am with the destruction of so many layers (chances) of life.

borderline @ 2008-10-09T23:05:00

2008-10-09T22:11:14Z

Don't you hate that feeling when you're suddenly irrationally paranoid that the people you're friends with, for some reason that you don't know, have decided to dislike you and don't want to be with you any more?

I have no idea if my fears are rational or not, and the "logic" part of me (which usually gets smothered by all these emotions) says I'm being silly, but the fear and paranoia are still there. And I hate it.

This is a "borderline" thing, isn't it? Or am I just being weird in my own way?

borderline @ 2008-10-09T13:29:00

2008-10-09T20:39:17Z

I hate not knowing.
Who I am.
I hate wishing.
For something more.
I hate not being loved.
While others around me are.
I hate watching her.
And wishing to just know her if I could.
I hate being expected to go on.
When I cant even walk.

Because there is no why, there's only how.
Because I think I deserve so much more, but no one else does.
Because when others point, look, and talk, I turn away.
Because no one knows who I am.

No one knows who I am.

Rules reminder.

2008-10-09T16:55:41Z

Since there have been a lot of new members lately, I thought I'd post a reminder of the community rules. By requesting to join this community you have agreed to abide by the following:

1. Discrimination will not be tolerated. This includes discrimination against gender, race, disability, age, sexual orientation, or any other population factor.

2. There will be no flaming or trolling. In short, these terms mean harassing other members or posting material with the intent of upsetting others.

3. There will be no off-topic posts. This includes any resources or anecdotes (personal or otherwise) not related to borderline personality disorder or symptoms related to the disorder.

4. Do not advertise other communities.

5. Put large images or triggering topics under an lj-cut tag. Triggering posts include, but are not limited to: self-harm, sexual abuse/rape, eating disordered activity, etc.

These rules are in place to maintain that this community be a safe place for all members.

If you do not knw how to use an lj-cut, please look here.

Ways I'm Reaching Peace

2008-10-08T19:12:06Z

I've gotten back into reading and listening to Eckhart Tolle. You many know him from Oprah, because she was fanatical about his new book (as am I), A New Earth.

This sense of peace has come over me the past few days... once I recognized the ego had been leading me. I could go into detail here, but I will just say I feel free and excited about the possibilities.
I won't be naive and assume the struggle is over. I will still have to deal with depression, and episodes. I work to keep them at bay, by going to groups, reading, and simply taking walks... but they are always there and no matter how hard I try, I will naturally experience downs. I will probably have some really bad days, and thats okay. The goal is to just keep going forward. When I'm upset, I will accept it instead of being angry about it, and reaching for an escape through alcohol or self-harm.
I will try to be in accord with what is. Like two good dancers, you cannot tell who leads and who follows. I want to be like that with life.

I set goals each day, and "to do's" but my priority each day is to focus on my recovery. To keep working towards a peaceful mindset. Everything else will fall into place when the inner turmoil fades, because my heart is in the right place. I have ambition and I want to go back to school, get fit, work again, eat healthy, help others, etc. But if I pressure myself to get reach these things, and believe my happiness depends on doing so, I will just struggle. I will be anxious and probably beat myself up over it.
But, if I focus on my own mental well-being, I can gradually start taking on some of these goals with more ease, at my own pace.

I hope this makes sense.

Keep on keeping on everyone.

borderline @ 2008-10-08T02:03:00

2008-10-08T07:06:49Z

So I have a phone interview with Bank of America tomorrow. Well, today. I'm SO. EFFING. NERVOUS! I want this job so bad... I want to be out of fast food and have a REAL job for once.

The purpose of a phone interview is to eliminate. They want to hear enthusiasm and energy in my voice. Any tips on how I could convey this? Usually I just sound neutral and numb on the phone. I'm just going to be so nervous and I'm afraid I'll say something stupid.

borderline @ 2008-10-07T22:03:00

2008-10-07T21:07:21Z

I just wondered if theres anyone in the same kinda of situation as me, I'm struggling at the moment and could use some support...

my boyfriend is my carer, its just me and him and the cat..

I get so angry over silly little things, mostly if I want my boyfriend to go to the shop at night and he wont, I get really angry and just cant talk to him.. I'm scared if I talk I'll start shouting and shouting always leads to me wanting to throw things around and I'm so scared that I'm going to hurt him one of these days..

tonight he was sitting next to me, trying to get me to talk and just sort of trying to comfort me and all I could think was that I wanted to kick him so hard.. so I ran off and had a shower, then lay in the bed to try and get away from him..

I just dont know what to do.. I really dont want to go down the line of beating my boyfriend and him being scared of me..

I have a therapist, but I rarely see her these days.. I'm scared to bring it up with her to be honest..

Mental Health - Definition?

2008-10-07T20:46:48Z

If we accept the concept of pairs of opposites we get yin and yang, good and evil, black and white....and illness and health. The problem with this last pair, illness and health is that all too often health is defined as an absence of illness. While this may be a suitable way at looking at things with regards to heart disease for example, where mental health is concerned the definition fails to convey the complexity of the situation.

What do you think? How do you know when you are mentally healthy? Is it the absence of certain feelings or behaviours? Or is it gaining happiness skills? What is meant by "happiness"? Can it be measured?

What is a comprehensive definition of a healthy mind?

I'm trying, no one seems to see that

2008-10-07T17:39:14Z

Hello! New here.

I'm 24 and have been struggling with BPD for 7 years. Because my depression has been debilitating, I've had to live with my parents for the past year. They helped once I first came home from the hospital last December. They were sending me to a Dual Diagnosis program for alcohol abuse, trying to be helpful and loving. But over the past few months they're drinking has taken priority. They say "you're 24, you can take care of yourself." I'm really frustrated because people think I should just be able to "get it together." I'm trying, believe me, I'm trying.

I guess I just feel like I need someone to understand that I'm not lazy or selfish. That I want to be independent. I'm not choosing this. I never chose to be sick. Just because its mental illness vs. physical, doesnt mean you can just "snap out of it."

Wheres the compassion, ya know?

borderline @ 2008-10-06T20:29:00

2008-10-07T00:35:30Z

I hate when therapists break up with me.
Okay, I know I should be happy. She feels like I don't need her I guess. We've only had 6 or 7 sessions. Basically she thinks my meds are working wonders for the Bipolar 2 diagnosis, and said she feels like it's traits of Borderline rather than the full diagnosis. She said when something is truly biological, all one may need is the medication, and perhaps a "check-up" in a year for another 6 or so sessions. Apparently people do that. Just check up and make sure things are going okay in their lives.
So, I'll save my $30/wk copay. That'll help the tremendous debt I'm in.
I do have one more session with her - instead of weekly she made it for 2 weeks from the last session. Just to be safe and make sure my moods are pretty stable.
I admit I didn't do too much talking. If she asked questions, I was an open book. Told her all the gruesome things I've done in my past. But I can't answer questions like "how was your week?" She had to probe me too much. And even then, there wasn't much there lately. There really aren't too many treatment goals to come up with right now. Before my meds, there would have been a lot. Not anymore.
Am I actually getting better?
Well, I still hate being broken up with! My abandonment trait, apparently.

borderline @ 2008-10-07T00:24:00

2008-10-06T22:28:32Z

Ok, so another sad and boring story from me. I bet you guys are getting sick and tired of me posting whenever I feel like shit. Anyways.

I've met this girl, online, and she's living near me, it's really great to have someone to talk to. And she really seems to understand, as far as thats possible. She's so nice to me and she makes me feel special, sort of. But I'm afraid that my "craziness" well scare her or so. It's not that she doesn't know how to deal with BPD [ her best friend has got bpd as well ] but I'm just afraid that it's not fair against her to be in a relationship with me. At this point I usually try to push people away, but she told me she didn't want to go, that she wants to be with me, etc. It feels really weird and freaky. I don't want her to go away but I don't want her to stay either. I just don't know how to deal with all those feelings. Help?

borderline @ 2008-10-06T10:55:00

2008-10-06T18:02:01Z

I feel so alone. Even in a room full of people, even in a room full of friends. I am in probably the best relationship of my life and if it weren't so oddly strong I know it would have crumbled a long time ago. I feel like I am testing them and I ruin anything before I can get hurt. He won't let me. It's almost harder this way. More emotions more pain.
He said its never going to be enough. He was right. There is never enough. I always feel like I am running out.
I miss the feeling a blade use to provide.
It's hard to wake up every day when it feels like I am in a constant war against everything.
Self medicate... well fuck you I'd rather self medicate then be put on your medication.
I'm fine just fine.

Curious

2008-10-06T15:59:19Z

Does anyone else feel they use sex as their primary form of self harm? Alcohol used to be my main addiction/crutch to delay the feelings of wanting to die, but lately, sex seems to be taking its place. For ex - on Saturday night, i was drinking and hanging out with a guy -after 2 drinks (not nearly enough to get drunk) - I didn't even care about drinking anymore, I just wanted to get laid. It was all I could think about - much like I used to do with alcohol - once I started drinking, I would drink and drink until I couldn't function - nothing would get between me and getting drunk. Honestly - I don't know which is better or worse - both make me feel like crap the next day. Sorry if this is graphic - I am just curious if I am the only one that uses sex in this way.

borderline @ 2008-10-06T14:33:00

2008-10-06T12:40:05Z

Hi!am new here....i never been to a shrink,and i dnt know if i really have BPD...but i read the symptoms...and i read yr posts,and i feel just the same...i cant tell if am sick or not,cause all my friends are telling me that i just feel so cause i know the symptoms...but i think i have it!!!am so tired of thinking...

borderline @ 2008-10-06T02:32:00

2008-10-06T09:34:08Z

I often feel the ghost of depression lingering, threatening to take over me. I keep vowing to fight it with every strength that I have, but I still fear that someday, it will break through and take over me completely. To me suicide has never been an option, but giving in to complete insanity and engaging in self-destruction remain my most prevalent temptations. I lost my virginity that way, and I will still protest that it was the best form of self-mutilation I ever felt; I often wish I could go back to it. The guy treated me as low as I felt and inflicted gratifying pain that I didn't have to do so. I fight the urge to drink and fuck myself into oblivion. I fight the urge to give myself into abstraction, hoping that someone will understand, yet knowing that that is an impossibility. I want to run away and leave everything behind. I want to block away all the memories and cut myself off from all the people who remind me of them, yet I am too much of a coward to do so, and this knowledge makes me more depressed.

borderline @ 2008-10-05T23:34:00

2008-10-06T03:41:09Z

So, (Canadian) Thanksgiving is coming up and I've been thinking about my ex a lot because it was this time last year where things fell apart. It's really hard because not many people know how invested I was in the relationship. She has completely cut off all communication with me, despite my olive-branch efforts. (My therapist doesn't know how involved we were.) I guess it is one of my few secrets. It's funny I guess how out and open I could be with all my online friends and even some IRL friends, just not people I see as adults (ie older than me).
Not sure why I'm posting this. Just looking for support I guess.

alone

2008-10-05T23:36:05Z

I've never felt more alone than I do today.
I've been throwing up all over sidewalks.
maybe i'm dying.
that would solve some things.
" fill me up with chemicals or other people's words"
i have things i want to write but cant bring myself to do it because of how sick I feel.
I want someone to love me
I sound lame. maybe i'll write in my real journal so I don't burden anyone else with my emo bullshit.
i'm getting abandoned over smoking a little pot when he wants to do acid again and i dont feel comfortable with that. i'm always having to be a cookie cutter mold to whats convenient to what he thinks is acceptable.
then i take some anti anxiety pills and i throw up. great. god wants me to suffer.