| Waking up crying... |
[20 Jul 2009|10:30am] |
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I woke up screaming and crying at about 5.20am this morning...
I had dreamt that my boyfriend had cheated on me in my house.. i walked in on them..
then in the dream he told me I was too fat and he didn't love me anymore... then his skinny ex entered the room and kissed him
I started screamin and crying in the dream.. shouting at him for doing this to me... but telling him i'd forgive him as I didnt want to lose him.. I told him i'd lose the weight... but he was having none of it and walked out of the house leaving me in a pile on the floor..
I woke my boyfriend up when I woke up from all the comotion...
And today I feel like shit. I told him the dream and we both know he wouldnt cheat on me again.. but it has totally thrown me off today. I just feel like crying so much..
Today I start fasting again as I never want that dream to come true... I have literally broken my own heart in my own dream
I hate food. I love my boyfriend. It would be no problem to cut one out for the other
I love him....
xxxxx
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[21 Jul 2009|10:09am] |
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I'm bored. Avoiding the kitchen. Anyone got any links to ed-related shows, or anything like supersize vs superskinny? Or just anything that might interest me. Thanks, hope you're all having a lovely day! <3
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| cake = evil |
[20 Jul 2009|06:58pm] |
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What is it with me and eating cake?
It's like... I eat so much of it. And I don't think about it.
xxx
Alice
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| todays fat |
[20 Jul 2009|06:41pm] |
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b:rolled oats
l:small handful of dried nuts
d:small quiche with salad and bowl of fruit and light yoghurt for desert
what the hell please tell me that is not alot?im still so hungry im going to binge im so scared :(
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| Confused! |
[20 Jul 2009|09:45am] |
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Ok I officially do not understand my body! For the past 5 days I have been eating less that 500 cals a day and I've been really active and I've actually gained! What the fuck? Seriously there is no logical explanation! I'm really trying to be positive though. I'm doing a 14 hour bar shift today, that much standing up, running around and carrying stuff has to be good exercise right? Nothing but fruit today! I hope everyone else saw better numbers this morning xx
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[20 Jul 2009|01:07am] |
hit my goal weight today - - had a more than desirable amount of calories for lunch.... ( at 12pm)... at five I went to my second job which is high heel modeling. finished at 10:30pm. Went to a diner with my friend at 11pm... and ordered
two scrambled egg beaters
a half a cup of mushrooms
hashbrowns
a biscuit
with gravy
coffee with splenda
and
a slice of banana creme pie
came home - - weighed 118.4, puked my guts out... till i weighed 115.8. sipping on senna tea now and smoking a 'post-purge' cig.
sigh
i feel a little better.
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[20 Jul 2009|09:07am] |
Dear Metabolism,
Remember the days when you wanted me to be thin and pretty, when you let me wake up 4lbs lighter.
yep (:
well if i only ate 950 calories and i burnt off 880 i only needed you to burn 70, you're meant to burn at least 1,300 a day, and yet because you couldn't be bothered to burn 70calories i wake up almost 2lbs heavier.
well fuck you.
x.
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[20 Jul 2009|07:04am] |
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mood |
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 determined |
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music |
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Miley cyrus |
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Morning ladies:) Just woke up, No school till wed Which is cool... Going to spend this week working out and fasting, actually going to do this until november:) I needa lose like 15lbs by the 10th of october so that i can be disghustingly skinny for a dance i'm going to.. . All the pretty dresses are the Biggest thinspo ever! I've been not eating for the last 3 weeks or so... I feel crapy But i've lost 20lbs since may:) so yay! CW: 111 HEIGHT: 5.8 HW: 165 :( LW: same as CW GW: 100 UGW: 89 Sigh still got a long way to go:( Hugs and kisses enjoy your days!
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[19 Jul 2009|11:57pm] |
tomorrow is a new day.
i just gotta keep saying that.
good night loves xo
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| I talked to my brother. |
[20 Jul 2009|04:49pm] |
And I really want to go to California. I have that chance if I go with my brother when he goes to college, only thing is, living with him just ruins my life.
Everything is good on the food status, he doesn't check up on me to check if I ate dinner lunch etc, but he's very very messy....
He's going to college, I'm getting into high school. He told me that if I wanted to live with him in a rented apartment, to ask my mom.
What do you think about that idea? I would get much more freedom, and it would give me a fresh new start...
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[20 Jul 2009|06:30pm] |
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mood |
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disappointed |
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today i have eaten:
4 x bannocks with cheese & butter (2x also with peanut butter) WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!
Apple
4 x fudge cookies
4 x oatcakes with Jam!
A plate (6 or so) veggie fritters (veg, 2 eggs & flour!)
1 hot chocolate
Why do i always eat junk! answer coz i buy junk! RETARD!
I always crave junk food - you will never hear me say "hmmmm i really want some nice healthy food!" even though i LOVE healthy food i just never seem to eat it coz junk is easier. I feel really fat and sad and disgusting. But i cant seem to get motivated coz i am a little bit depressed at the mo and the more i eat the further into depression i fall. Everyday i tell myself i will eat better tomorrow - never happens! but i promised last night i would stop purging coz it was fucking up my teeth. the only good thing about today was that i was working and walked miles! (for 8hrs outside in the sun, slowly walking) so i hope it burned so cals but still!!
GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
xx
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| hunger |
[20 Jul 2009|04:25pm] |
Sooooooo bad over the weekend i can't even explain to you alll how bad i was....i had like a meal on sat night chicken parmagana(i love) with chips didnt eat it all but most of it,last night i had fries from maccas and half a cheeseburger and like 7000004 cookies at my boyfriends.terribleee i just can't stop eating! but today is monday and so far i had:
for breaky:rolled oats - 112cals
lunch:small handful of nuts almonds mostly - dont even want to know how many cals...
dinner: still havent had dinner yet but it is quiche and salad,my mum makes really nice quiche that is low fat but still argh.
its only 4 30 and im starving!! what shall i do!!!!! im scared i will purge and i really wanted to stay under like 300 cals today kind of..
and i have had like 3 coffees today allready.oh well just put up with it you fattty!!
hope your all doing well!xxxxxx stay strong and think thin
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[21 Jul 2009|06:44am] |
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I made the stupid mistake of waking up early. I got up at quarter past five, went on a walk at half past and got back at half past 6.
I thought I'd go back to sleep afterwards until my normal waking up time of about 11:30. It's quarter to 7 now and that's definately not happening.
The walk was lovely, and early morning is my favourite time to be outdoors but I had to eat my breakfast when I got back, because I realised I wouldnt be going back to sleep.
I'd already been awake for more than an hour so it probably didn't make any difference to my metabolism.
Urgh. That's 144 calories wasted.
Now I'm going to be up all morning, not being able to eat anything until at least this afternoon. But I wanted to skip my lunch. Ugggh. Hope you're all having a lovely day, whatever time zone you're in. <3
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[20 Jul 2009|01:45am] |
so one of my thinspirations is wearing bottoms that are too small fr me. ill wear shorts or jeans that five me muffin tops and all that nasty stuff and a huge t-shirt so only i knwo the fat is bulging over my jeans and it makes me so extremely self concious that i dont want to eat anything.
so my issue is that about 2 weeks ago i bought some size 5 jeans because they did this quite nicely for me and i was so very excited to have somethin to try to fit into.
now those jeans fit perfectly and im flipping out.
ive been eatin a bunch of crap food and i dont have any smaller jeans to whip me back into shape.
im pathetic.
on the one hand im thrilled that the size 5 fits me perfectly, but on teh other im annoyed because now i have to go spend money on new jeans.
i guess i just need to stop whining and go buy the damn jeans. bye bye money i dont have... *waves*
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| Daddy cares to much |
[20 Jul 2009|01:36am] |
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My dad has been bugging me hardcore about my eating habits... I lost 20 pounds and he is telling me i am starving myself, and i just wanna weigh 92 pounds before college. Like in a month and a half i need to lose 15 lbs. He made me eat breakfast and dinner today, plus a snickers bar. I need to lose the weight now... Like idc if i have hunger pains bc to be honest I LOVE the feeling of emptyness and the feeling of being dizzy lol... I know i'm wierd. Please help me get to my goal :( ABC doesn't do the trick and i don't have 50 days to dedicate to it. I would love help. Thank you so much beautys. you are the only reason ive made it this far.
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[20 Jul 2009|01:37am] |
I talked to brandon on the phone. he's my really good friend, and he knows I've got an eating disorder but I wanted him to understand more.. so I was explaining it..
and he told me I needed some help.
and at first, I was like, yeah
yeah I do need help
but now I can't wait until August 7th when I slip out of my dress and put it away forever, and I can work for those size 0 shorts.
will I ever just make up my mind? will I ever make a desicion and stick with it?
I'm going to have to lie to him.
he knows now
fuck
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| ? |
[20 Jul 2009|12:26am] |
2468 v. ABC
which do you prefer?
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| today wasn't... |
[19 Jul 2009|10:34pm] |
the best day ever. I fasted all day then had to eat dinner...parents made me! So I think I ended up with 300 cal. But I still feel like a fat ass! I am hoping that didn't affect my weight for tomorrow! ekkk. I hate scales.
Hope you lovelies had a great day!
xx
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| For Your Information |
[20 Jul 2009|01:23am] |
Please Please Please PLEASE KNOW:
DietSkill is 11 years old
Her website says she's had her ed for a week
You're all giving her tip to KILL HERSELF
I just wanted to inform you all
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