bleeding words

Red

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 22:59:33 GMT

Red tear tracks are on my cheeks,
The wet red mess staining the floor,
I watch the rivers multiply as I cry harder and faster.

The hurt is driving me crazy,
Why are you so terrible,
I hurt, I cry, I want to die.

I see happiness all around me,
I can't join the celebration,
I can't see past the red tear tracks on my cheeks

Do Not

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 20:09:54 GMT

picture courtesy of mediacampaign.or

Do Not

Nick Carlton

Do not look upon me, for I cannot show my face...
There is darkness all around and I am to blame...
Such pain within my heart, so much guilt perceived
A cosmic justice for my sins...

Do not look upon me, for you will see a broken man...
I have wounded those I love and now must face the flames...
Blood spilled everywhere, acrid tides hath wrought a
Fine testament to failure...

Do not look upon me, for there is no absolution...
My prayers go unanswered by gods who will not listen...
Reproachful looks are cast, condemnation and contempt
The emotions they hurl back at me...

Do not look upon me, in my melancholy misery...
There is no place to hide my convict soul...
Tears burn like fire in my eyes, reminding me that
Even the noblest paladin can fail...

Do not look upon me, cowering amidst the ashes...
These catastrophic ruins enshrine the last of me...
Bitter taste upon my tongue, thirst that rages
With ancient perpetuity...

Do not look upon me, guilt-stricken with remorse...
Iniquitous and ashamed beneath a cloud of judgment...
Shivering and accountable, as the icy rains of
Culpability lash my brow...

Do not look upon me, feel neither pity nor compassion...
Words spoken with careless disregard for kith and kin...
A compliant prisoner am I, willingly submissive to
Whatever punishment is due...

Do not look upon me, in my abject wretchedness...
Arms raised in supplication, an invitation for the damned...
I cannot plead my case, there is no dispensation
For the cataclysm rendered...

Do not look upon me, my fate is sealed in perpetuum...
No excuses offered for my crimes, predestined suffrage...
A fool's paradise, populated with woebegone and
Despairing souls like mine who dared to dream...

Do not look upon me, battered by seas of desecration...
My head bowed low in shame, mortified acceptance...
An accidental martyr, plagued by propitious memories
Of what might have been...

Do not look upon me, flawed countenance revealed...
A knight bereft of gallantry, a tarnished sword...
False courage a disguise, against a dragon armed with
Ever-present fangs of ruination...

Do not look upon me, go now and don't look back...
Aggrieved am I and battle-scarred, impaired by life...
A thousand wounds that will not heal, bleed red in mourning
For a soul which now laments the past...

Do not look upon me, for I cannot follow you...
There are demons in the mist I must dutifully embrace...
An obligatory prerequisite, for a man who has grown
Accustomed to the habitats of hell...

Do not look upon me, lest you be seized as well...
Imprisoned by the seductive darkness of my mind...
Turn away and leave, renounce and disassociate yourself
Before the capture is complete...

Do not look upon me, I am cursed for all eternity...
A faceless, tortured knave set loose in purgatory...
A lonely watcher, nose pressed against the blissful warmth
Of a contented life it cannot realize...

Soul On Fire

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 20:08:10 GMT

Photo courtesy of istock.com

Soul On Fire

by

Nick Carlton

It begins with a dance, bodies close and yet
Not touching, eyes locked, looks exchanged in
Quiet darkness, warmth flooding in like liquid
Fire from everywhere and nowhere all at once...

Your breath flows out, sweet and light and
I consume it with eagerness, breathing in the
Very essence that is you, feeling something
Stir down deep inside, but yet afraid to move...

You smile, agonizing delight pricks my soul
And I bleed passion into your hands, shaking,
I'm consumed, there is no stopping now, flood
Gates open wide and I respond, I have no choice...

Your hand against my skin, a silken touch,
Fire erupts and burns me to the ground, and
Yet these flames I welcome, I crave, I need,
Shameful is my wantonness to possess, control...

A single cry escapes my lips, shocking in its
Intensity, you move your body closer and the
Secret waltz begins, I look away, my face is just
A canvas painted with raw emotions I can't hide...

You touch my cheek, fingertips trace along my
Jaw, my eyes meet yours and sparks ignite, such
Sweet misery, I won't survive, not this time, the
Fire burns too bright, too fiercely to suppress...

My lips meet yours in hungry disregard, the world
Could end and I would never know it, so profound
Is my desire like ruthless passion unchecked, yet
Your soft voice encourages, sanctions how I feel...

Do you know what you do to me? It's not a question
But an exclamation of vulnerability, of surrender
To a conscientious suppliant, I'm a willing captive
Of this erotic promenade and you know all the steps...

Can someone die of want? I wonder, whose heart is
Beating faster yours or mine? You pull me even
Closer, nothing lies between us but the night,
You stoke the fire as I try to keep it banked...

It's pointless, all this nonessential posturing to
Maintain my equanimity, for what? With you I have
None, my cool exterior vaporizes like an ice cube
In the sun, self-restraint? Is that actually a word?

You take my hand and suddenly I don't even know my
Name, I'm scorched by my own aphrodisia, longing so
Acute I can't even breathe, mesmerized and captivated
By a nameless demon I welcome with arms wide open...

And then we're one, a singular extraction made
Whole, and I'm falling, plummeting into a warm
Abyss I can't escape as my heart explodes with
Unfamiliar disobedience, I'm your prisoner again...

I can't halt the downward slide into euphoria, I
Have no off switch when it comes to you, no safety
Net, no way to stop myself from spinning out of
Control, I drink from you until I've had my fill...

And then I'm spent, lying with you in blissful
Ignorance while the world around me ceases to exist
And all that I can hear is the quiet beating of
Your heart next to mine, delightfully intoxicated...

Your eyes meet mine, the marathon has just begun,
There's no escape for me, and even if I had the
Wherewithal I wouldn't want it, you set my soul
On fire then step back to watch it burn unbridled...

A chaotic mass of convoluted need and lust that
comes from some unfathomable crevasse you opened
With a smile, It's not so difficult to understand,
I simply love you, I always have and always will...

With uncomplicated skill and grace you pull me
From myself and send me flying into outer space
Without a pressure suit, gasping for air, drenched
And soporific, basking in plethoric satisfaction...

Then it begins again with a dance, bodies close
And touching, eyes locked, looks exchanged in
Quiet darkness, warmth flooding in like liquid
Fire from everywhere and nowhere all at once...

You strike a match and set my soul on fire...

Stir

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 03:10:09 GMT

Stir

It's still dark outside when I wake up.
You're facing away from me
but I know you're still asleep.
I can see it in the way you breathe and
the distinct curl of your toes
that tells me of your pleasant dreams.
I reach to you and place my fingertips lightly on your shoulder,
then, slowly,
drag them over
the unhindered and seldom-explored curves of your body.
You stir
and a small hum starts in your throat and
vibrates your puckered lips.
I move my mouth to barely touch the skin of your shoulder
and whisper your name.
You can feel my lips move
as they form the four lulling syllables,
and my breath hot against your skin makes you
twist in pleasure.
I lightly kiss each of the freckles on your back,
gently gathering your hair and lifting it
to kiss the ones on your neck,
and the sigh that comes from you is
pure, taintless melody.
I brush my fingers through the soft dark hair
and it makes a fan over the white pillow
that your head rests on.
Blue-grey light starts to filter through the shades of the window
when the first whisper of sunlight peaks over the horizon.
You turn over,
tangling your legs in the sheets with mine and
your eyes swallow me whole
staring into mine
as you kiss my rough lips with your smooth ones
never once blinking.
I take your arm in my coarse hands and travel it
with kisses
from the crease of your elbow
past the fierce hissing dragon tattoo
down to the scar on your wrist
and each of your long fingers.
Your eyelids flutter shut once more
and I watch your chest rise when you inhale deeply
the scent of the bed--
my signature of cigarettes and black coffee
and yours of violets and lilacs and chamomile tea,
veiled by the musky scents of sweat and sex.
I wrap my arm around your warm body and pull you against me.
You sigh and slowly drift back to sleep.

break

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 18:11:19 GMT

You can never admit what you never wanted to say.

Our words fell off the walls along time.. these feelings are never-ending.

blast

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 15:18:22 GMT

On the spot of the blast

She cannot cry. Inside her head still a little
girl is playing with her. Keeps on playing.
She cannot feel the warmth of blood or the
dirty red of it oozing down her face.
So unripe and fresh it still is. The face.
They shake her. But cannot shake this world
into a shape. They will take her to the
medics. “ She isn’t talking her sweet nothings.”
She says to her husband. There is no reply
too. On the stretcher he lies, ripped apart.

More on Last Summer

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 16:03:36 GMT

I'm trying hard to finish the recounting of this summer's adventures, so here's the second to last post about it. Then I can get back to more interesting writing, so you all don't have to be so bored. Sorry about this.

http://wanderinghome.wordpress.com/2008/09/01/second-to-last-installment-then-ill-blog-about-something-else/

New Installment!

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 12:43:48 GMT

Ok, here it is, the next instalment in the Summer of Dave Series. I apologize to those who just want the whole story, but it seemed that even more of you wanted it to be brokeninto segments. I am about to write the last segment tomorrow, so then it will all be out there. I hope you'll all let me know if I've bored you with this shit.

Here are the links to the first three segments

Part 3: http://wanderinghome.wordpress.com/2008/09/01/the-summer-of-dave-part-3/

Part 2: http://wanderinghome.wordpress.com/2008/08/27/the-summer-of-dave-part-2/

Part 1: http://wanderinghome.wordpress.com/2008/08/23/the-summer-of-dave-part-1/

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 21:57:35 GMT

who am i to impose a morality
that i, myself, am not strong enough to uphold
onto someone i barely even know?
these times of weakness are the downfall of us all
and what we've always wanted to be
and swore we would never become.

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 15:25:45 GMT

i often wonder what lovers speak of,
and what they're thinking
and how they're feeling
when this is all going on.
or is this all just automatic?
it seems too important to contemplate.
as if thinkng about it would make it flawed,
and maybe even force it into falsity.
i've never had such reciprocity.

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 23:31:09 GMT

Do you kick in your sleep?
I sometimes wonder how I would survive
if you were here, with me.
It sounds so perfect,
and yet so hard.

I miss having someone to
talk to in the middle of the night.
Someone to wake up with at dawn.

Is it warm in your bed?
Do your sheets smell like you do?
Or do you wash them too often, leaving them
soft and fresh and smelling like laundry?
Do you lay awake for a few minutes
in the morning
or do you just jump out of bed
as soon as you open your eyes?

I sometimes wonder how I would survive
if you were here,
asleep next to me.
Would I submit to the desire
to shake you from your sleep?
Or would I just watch
as you exhaled so slowly, so deeply,
a breath full of dreams?

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 22:56:13 GMT

i'll never forget that summer we spent riding under the power lines,
and the fear i felt once i'd convinced myself we'd never find our way home.
to this day i still can't say why i was so petrified of being forever lost
from somewhere i was so desperately trying to get away from.

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 04:40:31 GMT

have you ever awoken from a dream so beautiful, that it broke your heart to emerge from it and face the day?
you know... dreams of times and people of the past, but minus the sad parts?
minus the "real" parts, i guess would be the more appropriate phrasing...

i dreamed we were together again,
and it happened just as it had every time before:

we spoke of everything and held eachother until the sun came up and revealed 2+ feet of snow on the ground.
we had no idea it was even snowing, no idea that life was going on outside of us.
a blizzard that we were both so oblivious to bought us another day together.
another day which would be most important day i've ever spent w/ another human being.

and in this dream the blizzard continued and bought us another day,
preventing the horrors of the following day from actually occurring.
showing me the "what if" scenario that i've been endlessly torturing myself w/.
showing me exactly what i've wanted to see.

nothing will measure up today...
god, i wish it would snow already...

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 03:17:14 GMT

i'm so tired of spending every night next to you, alone.
stop trying to convince me that you want it to work,
b/c you can't even convince yourself.

you wanted out before you even stepped in.
just please, let's end this here
and let's end this now.

i'm never so lonely, as when i'm w/ you.

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 02:50:06 GMT

i love these cool autumn nights
spent wrapped up in down and memories of you.
i'll get drunk and stumble into the past
and for the billionth time i'll think to myself
"it should've been me",
as i roll over into the cold grave
you were all too eager to leave.

i'll never feel this way again...

take tears, make wars

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 02:09:16 GMT

remember what it was like to sleep at night?
yeah, neither do I.
take another hit, breathe deep another LI(n)E
anything to just shut off the noise in between my ears
cars crashing into houses
hospitals on fire
the easiest answers are for cowards (and I'm a cheater)
the sheep waiting for the eventual big bad wolf
this is planned out and assembled
my min moves much faster than anyone realizes
I obsess over ways to make it seem more bright
or less alive, depending on your (my) point of view
robing hood, only in reverse
selfish and self centered
sundials in our eyes
is it all really just a joke waiting for a punchline?
fast forward the midas touch
right to the lonliness and isolation
that's the way it feels inside my head right now (is forever)
if this wasn't complicated, it wouldn't make sense
i can make a mess out of the best (your) intentions
write me off as a business expense
take tears, make wars
i'm not as genuine or as honest as I'd like you (and me) to believe
rumors spread like wildfires though loose lips
I'll make you rep(EAT) your words

The Summer of Dave, Part 2

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 14:36:12 GMT

Sorry it took so long, but at long last there is now a second part to the recap of this summer's craziness. There is more to come, but I continue to break things up so none of you is bored into a catatonic state.

http://wanderinghome.wordpress.com/2008/08/27/the-summer-of-dave-part-2/

Also, if any of you remembers when I talked about a project idea about rewriting the Bible in its entirety (in my own particularly irrevrant way) I am still considering that idea, and am ready to start posting entries by Friday. It will probably be a post a day for that project, and I will put it on a different blog dedicated to the project. So, if anyone has any questions or comments let me know. I'd love to hear what you all think.

http://wanderinghome.wordpress.com/2008/04/12/coming-soon-bible-20/

heavy hearted vs. empty hearted

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 23:31:25 GMT

last night i missed someone i didn't know i was capable of missing.
i came across that stupid, weary face
and for a split second felt empathy.

i felt the weight of unbearable loneliness that she must feel...
the heart sinking down into the stomach and pinning me to the earth...
you know the feeling...

past mistakes tore her away from those she loved the most,
and current cowardice pulls her closer to the one she despises.

it's not a tragedy if you have the power to change it.
it's not a tragedy, so fucking change it...

there's no motive to leave,
for then, she will be truly lonely.
not even a cat to eat her rotting corpse
that probably won't be found for days,
or maybe even weeks...

that's the picture of loneliness...

i don't hate her, i don't.
in fact, i'm as indifferent as one can be.
but to be honest,
i think that's even more hurtful...

i'd rather be despised,
than never to be thought of again...

Sat, 23 Aug 2008 19:14:34 GMT

we'll cross paths, and for a split second remember why we cared.
and upon the other's passing, we'll both remember how great it felt to leave.

we'll never meet again...

Sat, 23 Aug 2008 19:10:54 GMT

you look at me as if i were someone.
i'll gouge those deceptive eyes out if you dare to speak words not meant for me...

Sat, 23 Aug 2008 19:07:40 GMT

no need to flatter yourself,
b/c it's not you i'm waiting for.
it's just that there's nowhere else i have to be.
i'll stand here as long as it takes
waiting for the most important person i have yet to meet.
please, don't ruin this for me...

Sat, 23 Aug 2008 19:03:34 GMT

you're the one person i didn't expect this from.
just once, i'd like a suprise that doesn't break my heart...

Sat, 23 Aug 2008 18:51:14 GMT

this is the last time i'll trust eyes of a shade i can't see through.
all i wanted to see was you.

show me some transparency.
just a little, baby.
just enough to draw me in before you walk away.
don't look back if you don't wanna be asked to stay.

The Summer of Dave, Part 1

Sat, 23 Aug 2008 13:01:04 GMT

I have started to do a recap of the last four months' events. I decided to break up the text into several posts so that none of you loses focus or consciousness from reading a long ass entry. I know how you people are ;)

http://wanderinghome.wordpress.com/2008/08/23/the-summer-of-dave-part-1/

open door

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 13:07:59 GMT

Open door
The quivering fingers touch timidly,
tentatively, carefully the closed door.
It is like a membrane, semi liquid.
It sucks you in and let you out in the
other side. One way please. So don’t try to
return. The other side is a misty
palace of meaningless truths.
The other side is a breathing water
to swim and float till eternity eats you.
See the side of earth
you have come from,
see it in disconnection, slight hallucination.
Open the door let me return
cries the sleep cries the dream…
The door only let you in.