Fic: Dirty Campaigning (Lex/Stephen Colbert)
Title: Dirty Campaigning
Author: belmanoir
Crossover Fandom: The Colbert Report
Pairing: Lex/Stephen Colbert
Rating: NC-17 (but a mild one)
Summary: Lex is a guest on the Colbert Report and learns that not everything has to be about angst.
Warnings: Um, slash? Oh, and spoilers for Smallville through season 5.
Word Count: 4,407
Notes: beta'ed by inseriatim and twonth, with Lex pun suggestions by my roommate Charlie. There was some debate amongst my friends about what party Lex would belong to. It's ambiguous in canon, but I think he's a Democrat, and I decided my case was strong enough to go with that for the fic. (Mainly, I think Jonathan Kent is a Republican, and also Lex fits the profile of the rich charity-giving Democrat pretty well.) What do y'all think?

Feedback much appreciated!



Lex's opponent sounds desperate. "Name your price! I'll give you anything. Just don't run the ad!"

Lex cradles the phone on his shoulder and slides toward him a legal pad with a list of names written on it. He draws a careful line through Donovan. "I didn't send you that ad so you could buy me off," he says in tones of insincere shock. "I sent it to you so you'd have fair warning before we start running it on every channel in the country this Wednesday. This isn't blackmail, Mr. Donovan. It's democracy."

"But--if I resigned from the race, you'd have no reason to run the ad, right?"

"Well," Lex says consideringly, "I suppose I wouldn't."

"Oh, thank you!" his opponent says, beginning to grovel.

"I'll tell my head of publicity to pull the ad as soon as your resignation is in," Lex interrupts smoothly. "But it will have to be official by this afternoon for the TV stations to pull the ad in time."

"It will be, I swear!"

Lex hangs up the phone with a distinct sense of satisfaction. "Chloe!" he yells as he heads down the hall to her office. "Donovan is resigning from the race. Pull the ad as soon as it's official." He throws the legal pad down on her desk. "Then start digging on the next three guys on this list. My political analysts say they're the Republicans' most likely second choices for governor."

"Sure thing, boss!" Chloe says, not taking her eyes off her laptop screen. She chortles quietly to herself.

"Chloe, are you reading livejournal while you're supposed to be heading my publicity again?"

"Mayyyybe," Chloe says. "What do you care? You know I'll get everything done." It's true. Chloe is the best dirty campaigner in the country--or as she calls it, "muckraker." Since he hired her, he hasn't lost a single libel suit; every attack ad he's run has been both devastating and 100% true. "I'm just getting in the mood for tonight with a little Jon-on-Stephen porn. What time are we leaving for the airport?"

Lex looks at his watch. "In an hour."

"Perfect. I'm downloading episodes of the Report to my laptop so you can get a feel for Stephen's interviewing style on the flight to Gotham. Can you have one of the minions bring me another mocha? Heavy on the sprinkles?"

"Chloe," Lex says, "how many times have I asked you not to call the campaign interns minions?"

Chloe shrugs. "I'll give you a hundred bucks if you'll ask him if he's slept with Jon Stewart during the interview." She looks at him hopefully. She has really big eyes when she opens them wide like that. "For meeee?"

As he's walking back to his office, he hears her yelling, "Minion!"

###

As soon as Lex starts watching the clips, he realizes that going on the Colbert Report was an even better decision than he thought. He's seen bits and pieces of the show in the office when Chloe was watching it, but he's never realized quite how much Colbert dislikes Superman. The first clip she shows him starts, "...Which brings us to tonight's word---Übermensch!" Chloe cackles madly all the way through, and Lex can't help snickering once or twice. He's never realized before quite how funny Clark's little red boots are.

###

When Lex and Chloe get to his dressing room, a gift basket is waiting for them. It's filled with down-home Southern food like barbeque sauce and "Mrs. Sassard's Artichoke Relish."

"Oh, isn't this sweet?" Chloe squeals.

After they've been there for a few minutes, Colbert comes back to introduce himself. Chloe is stuttering and blushing and smiling her wide nervous smile and generally making a fool of herself.

"Pardon my publicity manager," Lex says. "She's a big fan of yours."

Colbert is gracious and friendly and agrees to take a photo with Chloe. Chloe fumbles with her camera while she's explaining to Lex how to use it. It's all very unprofessional, but Lex doesn't mind. Chloe is almost as good as a wife and kids; she makes him look wholesome, a mensch, someone who indulges his staff. Besides, Chloe's crush on Colbert hasn't stopped her from preparing Lex for this interview as if they were going to war. Lex smiles and snaps the picture.

After that's over, Colbert starts talking about how glad he is Lex could make it, and how he hopes Lex understands that he plays an idiot, and how he hopes Lex won't be offended by anything he says. Lex nods and smiles and says of course he understands, but secretly he's annoyed. What he respects about Colbert is that he doesn't pull his punches and never regrets it. The pretense of friendliness, the cutesy gift basket--it's jarring.

As Lex is being made up, he idly watched the taping. For some reason, the banter between Jon Stewart and Colbert reminds him of Clark. When he thinks about Clark and what he's lost, for some reason he hardly ever thinks of that--of saying outrageous things to make each other laugh, of trying to keep a poker face and not being able to hold back his grin. But maybe, he realizes suddenly, that's what he misses the most. He isn't sure of the last time his poker face cracked.

Finally he's directed out to the interviewee's chair. He's introduced; the audience claps and whistles as Colbert jogs towards him. They shake hands, and Colbert sits opposite him.

"So, you're running for Democratic governor of Kansas?"

"I am."

"You're a fairly junior politician, but you already have a bit of a reputation as a dirty campaigner. What is it with you Democrats, anyway? A man gets one blowjob from a high school student and it's like you're trying to ruin his career!"

For a frozen moment, Lex thinks he's talking about Clark. That's exactly what he got from Clark; two fumbling handjobs and a blowjob before Clark decided his confused sexuality was All Lex's Fault and started talking to him in that accusatory tone of voice all the time instead of just on special occasions.

Then he realizes Colbert is referring to Gladstone, Lex's opponent for mayor of Metropolis three years ago. Chloe snapped a picture of the middle-aged man in a compromising position with a fifteen-year-old campaign intern. He remembers this is a question Chloe prepped him on. "I always set out to run clean campaigns," he says. "But sometimes in researching my opponent I find out something that I think the public deserves to know. I don't want to ruin anyone's career, but I don't want to be part of the good old boys network that lets politicians get away with murder."

The audience cheers.

"Hmm," Colbert says skeptically. "Now, I'm no fan of Democrats, but in your case, I'm not too worried. In your first ever race, for Kansas state senator, the Republican candidate who defeated you was a farmer who had no political experience, no heavy financial backing, and a college freshman as his campaign manager. I'm sure that Kansas voters will prove once again that they don't care who runs against you, so long as he's a Republican."

Lex thought that this would be easy; that he would smile suavely and prove he could take a joke, and he would get the famous Colbert bump. Colbert is pretty much a kingmaker these days among Democrats ages 18 to 24. But it's not easy; he feels a pressure in his chest just thinking about the night he lost that race. Lex wanted to win that race so badly; he deserved to win it. And then his father did something, and Jonathan Kent won and the Kents had gotten everything Lex ever wanted, again, except Clark's father was dead. Clark was grief-stricken and angry and Lex didn't have the right to comfort him anymore. Lex can't even really remember anymore what happened that day, but it somehow left him thinking that Lana was the answer to all his problems; it took him two years to figure out that Lana was just like Clark, except he didn't want her.

Lex looks across the table at Stephen Colbert's quizzical face, and he doesn't know why but he begins, a little haltingly, to tell the truth. "Well," he says, "I was very young then. And that farmer was the father of someone who, at the time, I considered a close friend. I think in some ways I was afraid of winning the race. I held back." He smiles. "Believe me, I won't make that mistake again. Politics isn't about personality, it's about the issues. Sometimes--" He pauses, and looks straight at the camera, because eventually Clark will see this. "Sometimes your opponent is a good person. That doesn't mean you can't stand up for what you believe in." The audience bursts into applause. Lex turns back to Colbert and shifts into a Chloe-prepared answer. "Besides, I think I've proven to Kansas voters that a Democrat can understand their issues. Public school tests scores are higher than ever in Metropolis, and the unemployment rate is the lowest it's ever been. I've--"

"The crime rate is at an all-time low, too," Colbert says.

And Lex knew they were going to get here eventually--he knows this is the real reason he's a ratings draw for the show--but he isn't ready. He used to be famous because of his father; now he's famous because of Clark. He wants something in his life that is not defined by the two of them. He tries not to tense visibly. "I can't take full credit for that," he says.

"No, you have help from Superman, right? What a guy. I mean, he stands for Truth, Justice, and the American Way! That's practically the same as me!"

The audience laughs at that. "Sue him for plagiarism!" someone yells.

Colbert looks at the camera and points a finger. "Do you hear that, Superman? I know you're probably watching this on satellite in your Fortress of Solitude. If you want to explain to me why I shouldn't sue you for plagiarism, I'd love to have you on the show! Otherwise, we'll all know you're a coward!" He gives imaginary Superman a shit-eating grin and a thumbs-up and turns back to Lex. "But I mean, he's not just saying it. He really does stand for the American way. He uses his superior strength to make everyone behave, with no regard for what anyone else thinks, or what laws liberal legislators might have passed, or what activist judges might have said about Fourth Amendment rights. He practically is America! Do you hate America, Mr. Luthor?"

Lex smiles. "I love America. But thank you for making my argument for me a hundred times better than I could have made it myself."

"You're welcome," Colbert says triumphantly.

"You've hit it exactly," Lex says. "Superman is a vigilante. He doesn't acknowledge any laws or boundaries. He doesn't bother with a warrant before using his superhearing to listen to our citizens' private conversations or using his X-ray vision to spy into their homes and offices. If he wants to use his superpowers to help people, then let him join a recognized law enforcement agency and obey its rules. As it is, he's beyond the reach of any higher authority, including the United States constitution. No one even knows who he is."

"No one, Mr. Luthor?" Colbert says, leaning forward in his seat. "I've heard rumors that you know his identity. Come on, you can tell me. Just think what it would do for my ratings if you outed Superman on my show!"

"You want me to out Superman on national television?" Lex said, leaning back in his chair. He looks full at the camera again and smirks, slowly. He wants Clark to sweat. He suspects that Clark, Superstalker that he is, probably is watching the show from his tacky ice palace. He wonders which would horrify Clark more: to have his secret identity revealed, or to be outed as queer? He looks back at Colbert. He smiles. "A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell."

He's not worried about being taken seriously; everyone but Clark will think they know he's joking. Colbert looks delighted; it's a look Lex recognizes from Chloe's hours of interview clips. It's the look he gets when his guest exceeds his wildest expectations. "No? So...that archnemesis thing, is it kind of a turn-on?"

Girls in the audience whistle. Lex wonders what Chloe is thinking. She loves real person slash, as she's told him it's called, but she's never, not even once, visited any of the communities devoted to Lex and Superman. Lex knows because he installed spyware on her laptop back when she first came to work for him, when he still thought she might secretly be working for Clark.

The interview doesn't last long after that; a few jokes about their mutual preference for lavender ("It takes balls to wear pastels!") and millionaire Democrats and it's over.

After the show, Lex sits in his changing room staring at his reflection. The door opens. Lex turns around, game face on, expecting Chloe.

Instead Colbert steps into the room, wearing jeans with a shirt and sweater. It's how Clark will dress in twenty years, and Lex feels a pang.

Without the makeup and the hair dye, Colbert is graying around the edges and human and normal. "That was a great interview," he says. "Thanks." He pauses. "Are you OK?"

"Of course," Lex lies smoothly. "It was a privilege to be on the show."

Colbert looks at him, and Lex has the uncomfortable feeling that he isn't fooled. He remembers why he tries not to deal with smart people who don't already work for him.

"This isn't going to be one of those Barney Frank things, is it?" Colbert says. "Because I hate it when that happens."

Lex smiles at that. "I promise I won't do an interview tomorrow about how juvenile your humor is. I look forward to seeing the Colbert bump in my poll numbers next week." Colbert isn't leaving. Where the hell is Chloe?

"You're too young to be so tense," Colbert jokes in his in-character voice. "You need to live a little! Can I offer you one of my interns? They're very---skilled, if you know what I mean..."

"Thanks, but no thanks," Lex says. His phone beeps. He has a text from Chloe. Got a lead on 1 of yr oppnts. Meet u at airport at 12. "I don't have to be at the airport for a few hours. I think I might go out for a drink. Care to join me?" As soon as the words are out of his mouth, he wishes them back. Of course Colbert will say no, and then he'll feel sorry for Lex, and Lex will probably have Chloe start a file on everyone Colbert has ever loved in revenge.

Colbert looks surprised. He says, "I was going to have pizza with Jon--"

"All right," Lex says with his most unconcerned smile. "Thanks again for having me on the show." At this moment he hates Colbert, who is about to have pizza with a close friend and then go home to his wife and his kids. He's funny and happy and successful and normal and Lex envies him so badly he can hardly breathe.

Colbert looks him over again, his eyes narrowed behind his glasses. "I'll just call him and cancel," he says.

They go for a drink and end up talking about comic books and science. Lex has two drinks; enough to show he's comfortable, but not enough to actually lower his inhibitions, which are pretty much an immovable stone wall with spikes and broken glass on top anyway. Colbert is geeking out about Lex's particle accelerator. He does a mad scientest routine that actually makes Lex laugh a few times. They're arguing about the Roman occupation of Judea when Lex notices Colbert scrutinizing him closely, trying to mirror his posture.

"Are you making fun of the way I sit?" Lex asks with carefully detached amusement.

"Sorry," Colbert says, looking sheepish. "I'm just--er--practicing my impression of you, and I can't really do the voice while you're sitting there."

"Your impression of me?"

"You know, for the show. I have a feeling I'll be using it a lot someday."

Lex is flattered enough by that that he doesn't say anything else.

When they get back to the studio, Lex realizes that his inhibitions must not be as firmly in place as he thought, because Colbert is looking for his keys and saying something and grinning, and Lex steps forward and kisses him.

Colbert tenses and pulls away, and even after a lifetime of colossal errors, Lex still can't believe what a colossal error he just made. He tries to think of something to say, something that will make what just happened not have happened, when Colbert grins again and says, "Ah, what the hell. How often do I get a chance to live the dream of every teenage girl in America?" He takes off his glasses with a flourish and puts them in his pocket; for a second it reminds Lex of Clark turning into Superman, captured on tape in the Daily Planet--Clark thinks he's clever, but Lex has destroyed enough indiscreet security footage to paper Chloe's office. But there is nothing Clark-like about the surety of the hands on his shoulders, pushing him against the wall, or the gentleness of Colbert's lips on his. Lex opens his mouth, kisses him back fiercely, but Colbert won't take his cue from Lex's urgency. He pulls back slightly, still grinning, and says, "I just want you to know I'm videotaping this for my wife."

"What?" Lex asks. It's obviously ridiculous, but it wouldn't be the most surreal betrayal Lex has ever experienced. Usually it all ends with him getting pistol-whipped. He scans the alleyway nervously.

Colbert snickers softly. "I'm not really, but my wife is going to kill me when she finds out I didn't." He seems unphased by Lex's poorly concealed annoyance. Instead, he gives Lex a slightly unfocused once-over, grabs his hand, and says, "Here, let's go to my office. It's cold out here."

He doesn't put his glasses back on, so they bump into a few things in the dark as they make their way down the hall. Lex can't remember the last time he acted this undignified, but Colbert just laughs. They get to the office; Colbert opens the door, pushes him inside, and shuts the door behind them with a snap. He locks it and says, as if he's narrating a '70s educational film, "And now, boys and girls, it's time for some Lexploitation!"

Lex doesn't know how to deal with this sudden absence of angst and fury and hopeless longing in his sex life, so he just stands there and lets Colbert take the lead. "Mmm, this is a really nice shirt," Colbert says as he's unbuttoning it. "I notice you're not a fan of ties, though. I'm a tie man, myself. The artfully disheveled tie is a thing of sex."

"The what?" Lex asks, a little disoriented. He doesn't remember when Colbert's sweater disappeared.

"The artfully disheveled tie." Colbert grabs a tie off the back of a chair, drapes it around his own neck, and starts tying it. Lex isn't sure he supports this change in direction of Colbert's clothedness. But once the tie is on, Colbert pulls out the knot a few inches and unbuttons the top button of his shirt with one hand. His hair is already mussed--Lex realizes that he did that, in the alley--but Colbert puts up his hands and expertly coaxes it so it falls over his forehead. "See? It looks like I've been...exerting myself. You should try it. It would be a great look for you: the young politician, too involved in the affairs of state to think of worldly things. Girls would be lining up to straighten your papers and bring you lunch and bend you over your desk. You couldn't do the hair, obviously...maybe if you smudged some ink on your cheekbone--"

This is lunatic and bizarre and Colbert's Artful Dishevelment is actually pretty alluring even in the flickering fluorescent light of the office. The loose tie is drawing attention to his throat. Lex reaches forward and hooks a finger around the knot, pulling Colbert towards him. He doesn't bother with Colbert's mouth, just starts nuzzling his neck, but Colbert shuts up anyway and tilts his head back, making happy little noises.

Pretty soon Lex is sitting on a scratchy old couch and Colbert is going down on him with a great deal of enthusiasm. He's doing amazing things with his tongue and Lex feels strangely content. He wonders if he could ever make another person feel this way; he thinks, for some reason, of Chloe. "Is it true about you and Stewart?" he asks idly.

Colbert pulls off abruptly. For the first time this evening, he doesn't look amused. "I wasn't going to tell anyone about this," he says. "There's no need to go searching for leverage."

Lex must be drunker than he thought, because he feels a little sick. His wet cock is cold. Apparently Colbert has heard the rumors that Lex's dirtiest campaigning never even gets into the papers. "I wasn't, actually," he said. "My publicity manager is dying to know."

Colbert looks a little less angry. "The blonde with the amazing breasts?"

That's Chloe, all right. "She offered me a hundred bucks to ask you on the air."

Colbert laughs. "I guess I'm lucky you don't need a hundred bucks. Tell her--tell her a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell." He gives Lex a devious grin and goes back to sucking him off. Soon Lex is gasping and cursing and his orgasm hits him like a piano dropped from the sky.

"These impressionable young women," Colbert says, casually wiping away a few drops of Lex's come from his mouth. "Where do they get their ideas?"

Lex, kneeling on the floor returning the favor, is unsurprised to learn that Colbert is a talker. He keeps up a steady stream of encouragement and approval as Lex remembers how much he likes giving head, the combination of power and surrender, the affectionate hand on his head.

###

Lex is late getting to the airport. Chloe is already waiting for him in the jet. She takes one look at him and says, "Oh my God, are you high?"

"No," Lex says, startled. He can't even remember the last time he felt safe enough to get high. He must look happy, he realizes; Chloe doesn't recognize the expression.

Chloe doesn't look happy, though; she's hugging herself, and her eyes are shadowed.

"What is it?" he asks.

"Oh, Clark saw the interview," she says, trying to laugh. It's not convincing. "He accused me of ratting out his secret identity to you."

"What did you say?" Lex asks, his good mood evaporating. Clark poisons everything.

"I told him you never even asked me about his stupid secrets," Chloe says angrily.

It's the truth. By the time he hired Chloe, Lex had figured most of them out anyway, and it made him look honorable not to press her.

"I told him you weren't a moron," Chloe continues, trembling, "and that those blue contacts and that stupid spit curl wouldn't fool a child who knew him. I told him Lois knows too and just hasn't said anything because she likes not having to be polite to Clark Kent."

"Is that true?" Lex asks, entertained despite himself.

Chloe nods and gives him a small but malicious smile. Nevertheless, she cries silently on the other side of the jet as they fly back to Metropolis, her smeared mascara making her look like a raccoon. Lex wishes he were someone who knew how to care about other people's pain.

"Do you want to send him a box of chocolates?" he suggests. "I'll inject them with Kryptonite and you can forge Lois's handwriting."

She stares at him. He can't imagine why he said such a thing--they're both too old for that kind of crap, and now he sounds like he doesn't realize how deeply Clark has hurt her. Then, to his surprise, she grins. "Let's do it." She looks at him. "Non-lethal dose, right?" He nods and they spend the next half hour drawing little pink hearts and Superman logos on a piece of paper and strategically misspelling "token of my affection."

###

The next week Superman accepts Colbert's invitation and appears on the Report. Lex could have told him it was a mistake. Colbert easily runs rings around Clark. Clark looks like an idiot.

Lex has allowed himself some brief fantasies of Clark using the opportunity to confess his love for Lex on national TV, but he stopped because he doesn't know what he would do if Clark did. The idea of dealing with Clark again, of constantly struggling for his approval and his love, is exhausting.

It doesn't matter; instead, Clark stares earnestly at the camera and says, "I heard what Luthor said last week, about how you can oppose someone even if they're a good person. And I want him to know that I'm not mad at him personally, I just think what he's doing is wrong--the, the cloning and the--"

Colbert interrupts, and it's downhill from there. Soon Clark is stammering and blushing and lying incompetently.

Chloe and Lex sit on the couch in the campaign offices watching it. Neither of them speaks. They should just change the channel, but they aren't capable of it. When it's over, they turn off the TV and sit there in silence.

Finally Chloe leans over and puts her head on Lex's shoulder. Lex is surprised, but he lifts up his arm so she can press herself against his side. He strokes her hair absent-mindedly, wondering how something he no longer even wants has fucked him up this badly. He wonders what kind of comfort Colbert will offer Clark after the show. He wonders if, when he's president, he will still be able to laugh at Colbert's impression of him. If he will even allow Colbert to do an impression of him. He hopes so.