The Green Knight ([info]green_knight) wrote in [info]bittercon,
@ 2008-02-15 14:14:00
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Current mood: amused
Entry tags:query letters, submission

Queries that _won't_ get you published.
Not a panel at Capricon, but we need to enliven this place a little...


[info]neutronjockey wrote in [info]kateelliott:

Dear Mr. K. Eliote,
I am seeking your mad book pimpin' skillz on my VERY urban post-pacolyptic time travel military dark fantasy entitled Dr. Dre's Magical Carpet Ride. It is a 450,000 word lenfth fictional novel. I think it would do good.
I am previously published with PublishAmerica and have erotica epublishing credits with the now bankrupt (I di'n't do it) Triskellion under the my girl author name Juicy Lucy. But I ain't no punk #$^@ see, I was just trying to make my electrickity payment.

I am working on a modeling career. I've included pictures of my tight abs.

Peace out E-Dawg,

J-Dizzle.


Lynn Price of [info]behlerblog quoted a query letter starting with

If you’re willing to invest fifteen minutes of your time reviewing the enclosed self-published book, I’m A Freaking Idiot, I believe you’ll be inspired to help me introduce it to a larger audience through a traditional publisher.

Your mission, should you accept it, is to come up with queries that are certain to be rejected.


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[info]sartorias
2008-02-15 04:32 pm UTC (link)
Dear Whoever:

I would like to invite you to read my self-published book, and blog about it on your site. See, I am cursed with an extremely highly-developed imagination, and it gives me no peace. Every time I go to the bookstores and buy a new fantasy, i end up throwing it against the wall because it's all the same old same old. No publisher would buy my trilogy, I realize because it's too daring and new in concept, my conception of society far too brilliant for today's sheep-like audiences.

My trilogy features vampire-elves with wings and tails, and I've developed a fascinating world that will taken an entire book just to talk about suitably. At the back of my first book you will find 57 maps, a 100,000 word glossary for all the terms I've been forced to invent since English isn't rich enough, and a full family tree for all my hero's previous incarnations.

You'll have to buy books two and three, but I know you'll want to! E-mail with book one attached.

Yours,

Brillianta d'Jenious

Edited at 2008-02-15 05:05 pm UTC

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[info]rysmiel
2008-02-15 04:52 pm UTC (link)
I have the most wonderful idea for an eight-volume trilogy concerning the irresistably sexy Chosen Son of the vampire people saving all of humanity after a nuclear war, but if I told you any more you'd just rip it off. Please to send me $200,000 now, and then I will send you my idea and you can get one of your writers to write the stories.

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[info]dancinghorse
2008-02-15 04:52 pm UTC (link)
Dear Unbelievably Lucky Agent,

I hereby submit to you my masterpiece for the ages. It was dictated to me by my spirit guide and preincarnated soul, Aloysius of Halicarnassus, long-lost historian to Alexander the Great. In this unique and hitherto unprecedented text, you will find the real truth about Alexander's life, deeds, and misreported death. I have translated a portion of it from the original Greek, for your review. The actual book is to be published in Loeb Classical Library style, with the Greek on one side and the translation on the other.

You have six weeks to review and accept this manuscript, at which point you will remit $15,000 as down payment. I have appended a list of publishers whom I will allow to produce this work of unsurpassed genius and historical revelation. I enclose an 8x10 glossy photo of myself (you will note the aura surrounding it--this is not the halo of a saint; it is my spiritual self manifesting as proof that I am, indeed, speaking the truth).

I look forward to your reply.

Sincerely yours,

Professor Dietrich Albemarle
University of Ueber Vienna

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[info]dancinghorse
2008-02-15 04:55 pm UTC (link)
...and here's the scary part:

This is a pastiche, but it's authentic.

My first agent received queries Just Like This. The channeled "history" actually exists somewhere out there. The Greek was too archaic for its alleged period (which is how I got involved: I was asked to review it). Somehow he'd channeled a pre-Homeric author.

Not kidding here. Srsly.

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[info]coneycat
2008-02-15 04:58 pm UTC (link)
That makes the book I got from the library this week (psychic conversations with the spirit of Jerry Garcia) sound positively mundane by comparison!

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[info]tamaranth
2008-02-15 09:44 pm UTC (link)
oooh, who?! title/author? I only ask because I'm working on a story about Hester Dowden, who did for Shakespeare what the author of that book has done for JG. Or, y'know, not ...

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[info]coneycat
2008-02-15 09:53 pm UTC (link)
The book is called In the spirit : conversations with the spirit of Jerry Garcia, and the author is Wendy Weir, the sister of Grateful Dead rhythm guitarist Bob Weir. I haven't started reading it yet but I have the impression it is loving and perfectly sincere, so whether i buy it or not I plan to be kind.

Which is a big deal, for me!

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[info]mzmadmike
2008-02-16 03:49 am UTC (link)
Proving once again the Dead are poster children for drugs.

Do enough and they'll sound good and make sense.

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[info]sartorias
2008-02-15 05:07 pm UTC (link)
Betcha there were more footnotes than dialogue in this masterpiece!

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[info]coneycat
2008-02-15 04:56 pm UTC (link)
Dear Editor,

I am enclosing the typescript of my first novel, a cozy mystery featuring feisty middle-aged kindergarten teacher sleuth Saffronella Bickerswift and her psychic Ragdoll Cat Norman Sebastian Rufflewhiskers. Someone has murdered the president of the gardening club! But who? There are many twists and turns as Saffronella and Norman Sebastian Rufflewhiskers seek to ensure justice is served! But you will have to read the book to find out!

This is the first book in what I envision as a series. (I have already written ten books about Saffronella and Norman Sebastian Rufflewhiskers!) They will appeal to fans of Agatha Christie, Dorothy L Sayers, Patricia Cornwell, Robert B Parker, Ed McBain, and Dashiell Hammett. I know you will love them as much as my friends in the gardening society and the Cat Fanciers' Club do!

Yours,
Anastasia P Twinklebottom

PS--if for some reason you do not wish to publish my story, please send me back my manuscript! It is my only copy!

Wow. Writing a really bad query is frighteningly easy! It kind of sounds like my blog!!

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[info]pdlloyd
2008-08-07 04:11 am UTC (link)
So, if this one won't get published, we need to join the garden club to read it?

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[info]coneycat
2008-08-07 10:35 am UTC (link)
I'm afraid so. We have readings every meeting, right after the discussion of how to get rid of aphids on rose bushes.

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[info]rosefox
2008-02-15 04:59 pm UTC (link)
READ MY PROPOSAL OR YOUR SON WILL DIE.

Hard to do the obligatory letters-cut-from-newspaper on LJ. Also hard to mimic the effect of writing on used butcher paper with crayon.

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[info]sartorias
2008-02-15 05:08 pm UTC (link)
snerk

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[info]asakiyume
2008-02-15 05:18 pm UTC (link)
Yeah, where is the crayon font when you need it???

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[info]asakiyume
2008-02-15 05:17 pm UTC (link)
Dear Agent,

No one gets Larissa. She's an outcast loner at her high school, walking the boulevard of broken dreams alone. Then, on her sixteenth birthday, a transdimensional door opens and the first of her many superpowers manifests itself. She realizes only she can save the world from the approaching asteroid that the government has been keeping the scientists from telling the public about. Meanwhile, Todd Manley, the cutest boy in school, has suddenly developed an interest in her--and says he doesn't want to lose her to some crazy asteroid fight. Will she save the world? Or go to the junior prom with Todd Manley?

This book is a surefire winner; please send me a contract from a Big Name Publisher at your earliest convenience.



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[info]sartorias
2008-02-15 05:32 pm UTC (link)
Don't forget that she discovers that she's actually Queen of the Universe.

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[info]asakiyume
2008-02-15 05:39 pm UTC (link)
Of course. And at some point she'll have Todd, and Prince Xqure'tiel, to whom she was betrothed before having her spirit channeled into an earthling's body, fighting for her hand.

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[info]sartorias
2008-02-15 05:42 pm UTC (link)
*splorch of tea*

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[info]green_knight
2008-02-15 11:01 pm UTC (link)
I channel...

No, *not* Alexander the Great, that was elsethread, but let me look at her perfect, acne-free face and gaze deep in her violet eyes.

Right?

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[info]sfmarty
2008-02-15 06:36 pm UTC (link)
Nice to start my day with a smile on my face. My D-I-L just did a light edit on something she called the Eye of Arghhhhh.

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[info]sartorias
2008-02-15 07:11 pm UTC (link)
Oh, just the title makes it a must-buy!

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not a query, and not invented
[info]thnidu
2008-02-15 08:48 pm UTC (link)
This loony, Tom Zurinskas by name, is for real. He is self-(non)taught and self-published. He is only the second person I have ever killfiled, and I've been on the Internet since about 1980. This is directly pasted from his website, http://truespel.com/. Keep an eye out in case he ever approaches your educational system.
At present American English is respelled in truespel, but It’s intended as a standard phonetic system for other languages as well with the addition of several sound spellings. Truespel uses a minimal set of 40 sounds called phonemes for English. Because it is a pronunciation guide it also has a way to show the stressed syllable in words.To see how it works, a quick tutorial on truespel takes only 10 minutes to read to learn all about it. There is also a tutorial and test CD called “truespel in a nutshell” that gives more information and also includes a skills test based on writing nonsense words in truespel. Actually, anyone can write perfect truespel right away. Just cut and paste traditionally spelled (tradspel) text into the truespel converter provided by Joe Davidson of Interguru.com. His amazing converter can respell the entire web in truespel. This is a good truespel reading practice. Nursery rhymes are truespeld for initial readers. Teachers can convert any text into truespel for accent remediation or an initial read/write systems for kids. Because truespel is keyboard friendly it allows easy spreadsheet analysis applications. “Truespel Book One: Analysis of the Sounds (Phonemes) of USA English” ranks the USA English phoneme counts in the dictionary. It ranks the many ways sounds are spelled. It also compares the sounds of other languages to USA English. This should be standard reading for all English majors.

Other Truespel books are:

Truespel Book Two: A Phonetic dictionary of USA English

A Beginners dictionary of USA English: Truespel Book 3.

The Alphabet and the Sounds of USA English: Truespel Book 4.

Truespel will be researched as an initial teaching alphabet for young readers. Since the 40 sounds of English speech are associated with just 40 spellings with Truespel, rather than over 400 as in traditional spelling (tradspel), it should be possible to learn Truespel much faster than the traditional writing system. The research program is just getting underway.

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Re: not a query, and not invented
[info]coneycat
2008-02-15 09:13 pm UTC (link)
Hours of entertainment!

My post from this morning.

Truespel translation of the same entry!

The translation looks like it was written by a LOLcat!

(Sadly, the translator takes FOREVER, which slows down the yuks.)

Edited at 2008-02-15 09:14 pm UTC

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[info]a_d_medievalist
2008-02-15 09:35 pm UTC (link)
Clearly, y'all have never heard of Kevin Wong, author of the Heroes of Destiny trilogy.

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[info]coneycat
2008-02-15 09:51 pm UTC (link)
Heard of him? I have encountered him in the flesh!!!! And should have avoided his book!!!!!!

But I didn't!!!!!!!!!!!

As you can tell by the exclamation points, he was highly influential on my style.

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[info]onyxhawke
2008-02-15 09:54 pm UTC (link)
Deer Agent,

Ennclosed is my manuscript. I have already registered the copywrite so don't try to steal my idea. I was published seventeen times in my college paper. (I was the editor). This 23,132 word novel has more vision than Tolkien and Heinlen, more moods depth than Bujold and Hobb, and better action than Drake, Brust, and Martin. I will only except a first book deal of $50,000 or more an WILL NOT let an editor change ONE WORD because as u no that woudl void my copyrite.


Salina Price

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[info]onyxhawke
2008-02-15 10:25 pm UTC (link)
(no that's not a copy and paste)

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[info]mzmadmike
2008-02-15 10:29 pm UTC (link)
There's the woman who slid an MSS under the bathroom stall to Julie Czerneda, and the one who got rejected by Tor who had all her friends email PNH to tell him what a mistake he was making. And the one who publicly posted on Baen's forum that if her (unread) MSS wasn't returned she'd get a lawyer and sue for something or other.

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[info]scribblerworks
2008-02-15 10:58 pm UTC (link)
Let's see if I can do this....

Hey Dude!

Everybody knows that Tolkien's thingee has made gazillions of dollars the whole world over. But JRRT is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO last century! I KNOW that every single publisher on the face of the earth is looking for the NEXT TOLKIEN THING -- and trust me, dude, I'M THE ONE THAT'S GOT IT!

And hey, since this is just a quiry letter about whether you want to read it (can't get my hands on a catalgoue and Wikipedia don't link to your company site) I'm hoping you will give it a chance. If you ain't into fantasy, NOW'S YOUR CHANCE. It's sure-fire winner stuff! It's got heroes and babes and fighting, lots of action (just the thing for that movie deal you KNOW is in the pipe!).

Everybody who'se read it, loves it, so I'm sure you'll be wowed by it! My mom loved it, my cousins love it, even my brother George loved it (well, it had to be read to him, what with him being retarded and all).

Really, you're going to love it.
Eager Beaver.

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[info]onyxhawke
2008-02-15 11:37 pm UTC (link)
Hey,

SEND ME A CONTRAC. WHEN I GET IT I;; SEND YOU THE BOOK. A GOOD AGENT CAN SELL ANYTHING. ARE YOU A REAL AGENT! IVE SEE THE SHIT YOU REPRESENT, MINE IS BETTER. REJECT ME AND REGRETT IT. MY BOOK WILL BE A BEST SELLAR.


sIGNED
cARMEN cAPITAL

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[info]shikuchi
2008-02-16 01:06 am UTC (link)
Dear Agent,

I have a wonderful book proposal for you. I'm sure it'll be a big hit. Here's the summary:

Sixteen-year-old Bella was an unpopular misfit at her old school in Arizona, but when she goes to live with her divorced father in a dreary, small town in Washington, her life is turned totally upside down! Suddenly, everyone in the school looks at her like she's someone — even the mysterious, gorgeous Edward. Before she knows it, she's falling head over heels for this angry beauty! But can she deal with the fact that he's a deadly, blood-sucking vampire?! WIth escalating risks (and romance!), junior year is going to be a lot more than Bella bargained for!

Please send this to a publisher of teen and preteen novels. I just know it'll be a best seller!
------

Oh wait a minute, actually got published. D:

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[info]littlemetaldrop
2008-02-16 01:12 am UTC (link)
O HAI THAR

I HAS BOOK 4 U
IZ GONNA BE BIG I KNOWZ
I CAN HAS CONTRACT?

kthxbai

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[info]jmeadows
2008-02-16 01:28 am UTC (link)
Dear Agent,

I wrote this book, which is *currently* about 350 thousand words (it's not finished, but see below as to why), and now I want someone to publish it. This part, anyway.

I first started writing it as a diary because it helped me put my thoughts together at the end of the day, but then I got wondering what would happen if things were just a little different? Or instead of Mark asking me out, what if he asked out Jane? And what if she was an evil sorceress? (BTW, I dumped Mark when I found out he was cheating on me with Jane, so maybe she really is an evil sorceress!)

Anyway, so, yeah. It starts out like a normal girl's life, but slowly you begin to see how her life is not normal at all. Well, since it's based off a diary, it doesn't have an end yet. I guess it never will until I die, lol! But it sure is exciting, and I know that all the crazy things that happen in the story can happen in real life because they've happened to me! (Okay, not the magic. I made that up. Or did I?)

I've included the first 100 thousand words. I wanted to send the rest, but I only had one ream of paper. I'll send the next part next week when my mom gives me my allowance. I hope you like it!

Hugs and kisses!
Mary Sue

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[info]gjules
2008-02-16 12:45 pm UTC (link)
Dear Editor(s):

Enclosed is the 198,000-word single-spaced manuscript of my new book, "Love Story: The Next Generation". This book was written as a series of emails between my boyfriend Skeezer and I. My best friend read it and called it "a touching, entrancing tale of modern love."

Also, when I sent a copy to Jodi Picoult for review and asked her what she thought, she responded by getting a restraining order against me. I think we all know someone's a little worried about her competition! I think it would make a nice seal on the cover: "The Book Jodi Picoult Didn't Want You To See!" Or something like that.

I'm a little worried about all of the lyric quotations we used in the book, but Skeezer says the guys in GWAR and Metallica are usually pretty good about letting those things slide. I'm sure you'll be able to work it out.

I look forward to receiving your offer.

Best,

Una N. Owen

PS: I'm sure you'll want to start scheduling publicity appearances right away, so could you please tell your staff that I don't do appearances before 10 am? Thanks.

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[info]sartorias
2008-02-16 03:08 pm UTC (link)
LOL If you added, "will you please tell whoever the persomal publicity manager is who you assign to me that I don't do appearances before ten" I would believe this one from some pair of mega-stars, what's mroe, she'd be sure to get a million dollar advance from some star struck editor.

Maybe that explains the godawful crap published by famous stars who seem to want to write a book (even though they never read one).

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[info]limecat_lotn
2008-08-07 12:02 am UTC (link)
Dear Editor(s):

Enclosed is the manuscript of my new military-science fiction series, entitled "THE GHOST IN THE MISTS". This book stars GHOST, a highly-decorated Delta Force soldier, who always completes every single mission that he accepts. He struggles with many personal demons on a daily basis, most notably, being a sexual predator. He must keep these tendencies restrained, lest his commit real atrocities and become a true monster.

I look forward to receiving your offer.

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[info]wisdomeagle
2008-08-07 05:33 am UTC (link)
OH JOHN RINGO NO

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[info]pdlloyd
2008-08-07 04:43 am UTC (link)
Dear Editor,

Please review my enclosed 425,752 word novel. This novel has prose so clear, you can see through it! This novel shines so bright, you'll need sunglasses to read it!! This novel is so earthshatteringly good, you'll think the earth moved!!! To top it all off, this novel is the worlds longest shaggy dog story. I know, because Ripley's Believe It or Not has agreed to list it on their web page. Boy, oh, boy, when you get to that last line, you'll die laughing.

Please send me a contract right away. I'm sure you won't object if I tell you I can't accept an advance of less than $1 million.

Sincerely,
Holin T. Head

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[info]davefreer
2008-08-09 08:00 am UTC (link)
The amazing part is the 'despirit' who send me their manuscripts out of the blue(I am neither an editor nor an agent... just a common-or-garden writer (for the garden club?)) I usually try and be nice, encouraging and point them in the right direction ... but I have had _two_ of these now...

"I have never read anything you have written because I don't like that sort of stuff, but I am better than you. Please recommend me to your agent/publisher"

No kidding. Heh. Next one I will send to o'Mike.

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