Apparently,
Rowan Pelling thinks that bisexual women are just doing it for the lolz.
I ground my teeth quite a lot while reading this article. The question is basically ‘I kissed a girl and I liked it—what do I do now?’ Pelling’s advice is quite sensible: she suggests that the questioner should ask herself whether she is genuinely interested in her friend, or just in the idea of trying out sex with a woman. She points out that it sounds like the friend is quite serious, so it would be thoughtless to lead her on if it’s just an experiment for the questioner; they need to have a conversation about what they each expect from the affair. Of course, this is good advice whatever the sexes of two people who are thinking about beginning an affair. You both need to know where you stand.
But her assessment of ‘female bisexuality TODAY’, as well as being largely irrelevant in an advice column, is grossly offensive. Apparently, most bisexual women are just doing it because Lindsay Lohan is! Or because men like it! Or because they just want to see what it’s like to have sex with another woman! Oh noes! And note that it’s an unidentified
gay woman whom Pelling quotes as saying,
‘I really dislike this brand of lesbian tourism where straight women feel they should go there once, much like Disneyland.’
Well, yes. We all know that there’s almost as much bi-phobia in the gay community as there is among straight people. I wonder how many
bisexual women would express similar sentiments, knowing what we know.
I know that some bisexual people really object to bi-curiosity as a professed orientation, but to be honest, I think that generally speaking, experimentation is good and I am rather in favour of it. It is, of course, horrible to be messed about by someone who claims to be bisexual but then actually decides they’re straight a few weeks into an affair. But the problem there is dishonesty, not bi-curiosity
per se. If a woman told me upfront that she was a bit curious about other women, and we started an affair on that basis, I wouldn’t feel cheated if it didn’t last.
Sexuality is, as Pelling’s rather muddled article admits, quite fluid. I and many other bisexual people know what it’s like to be unsure about one’s sexuality, and I would never accuse someone of just being ‘trendy’ when they wonder if they might be attracted to people of the same sex, even if it turns out that they’re not. Besides, there are lots of kinds of bisexuality, and no one—including other queer people—has any business deeming any of them ‘fake’. Lots of bi people don’t feel exactly the same about men and women; they might enjoy sexual relationships with both, but romantic relationships with only one, or their attraction to one sex might extend only as far as enjoying a bit of kissing and making out now and again. That’s fine. They can still honestly identify as bisexual. Some people may not like it, some people may disapprove of it, some people may even think that it gives bisexual people a bad name—but I’m afraid that’s just tough. If someone identifies her or himself as bisexual, it’s stupid to screech ‘NO, YOU’RE NOT’ as soon as we find out that what they mean is that the extent of their bisexuality is that they think a few celebrities of their own sex are pretty hot. The most sensible approach is simply to ask them about what their bisexuality means to them in the first place, rather than forming pre-conceived notions about it on the basis of our own understandings of the term.
Pelling’s failure is not only in implying that sexuality which happens to be, within very narrow limits, ‘fashionable’, must always be phony, but also in suggesting the only kind of dangerous ambiguity in relationships arises from a lack of surety about gender preference. Again, what she forgets is that honesty is paramount in any relationship, whatever the sexes or orientations of the participants. It is
always unkind to let a sexual partner think you are interested in a romantic relationship when really you just want to have sex with them. And it is
always sensible to have mature, adult discussions about what each of you wants when things start to look like getting serious.
Pelling also makes some comments that border on the downright homophobic and misogynistic. Apparently, one reason that these mostly-faking-it bisexual women always return to the almighty phallus is that relationships with other women are just so awful! She quotes a friend as saying,
‘The exhausting thing about sleeping with girls is that you're both obsessing about every nuance of your relationship, you're both worrying about the size of your thighs and running for the hairdryer.’
Yeah, because every woman is a two-dimensional stereotype who’s neurotic about her appearance and these ridiculous things called ‘emotions’ and ‘relationships’, so if you put two of these crazy women together without the counterpart of a level-headed man to organise their minds for them, they’ll descend into a mess of tangled hair dryer cables and liposuction adverts cut out of
Marie Claire. Uh, yeah. Of
course bisexual women’s decisions to be in relationships with men have nothing to do with the difficulties presented by a world that is still deeply homophobic in many ways, or the challenges of meeting other women, or just that they fancy men more or in a different way, or anything silly like that. No, it’s all because women are useless, flighty creatures! Hahaha!
*sigh*
Anyway, this is a rather rambling post, and perhaps not the best choice to write as my first to this community. But I got so cross about this article that I felt I had to comment on it to an audience that would understand!
Ophelia Xx
Current Mood: 
annoyed
Current Music: Sister Madly - Crowded House
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