the · birthmother · community

My parents used to call me on this day. Or at least they did last year...
Ever since my sister had her twins my mom's fridge has been completely cluttered with their pictures and she never asks me about Annalie and is never available for visits.

I am at peace with the adoption. I love Annalie and her parents very much. Remembering three years ago makes me emotional in a way I cannot describe.

I need contact today with someone who understands. A hug from another birth mom would make today okay.

At the age of sixteen I placed my first child for adoption. Now at the age of 28, and a single mother of two, I think of all that my first daughter has missed living without her biological mother. I see all the possibilities that I had at sixteen and all the pain that I could have saved both of us from if I would have parented her. It is important for me to share the painful side of adoption, to tell my story and to show young mothers that with the right support anything is possible. I have learned that the pain of separation is life long and is a difficult thing to go through. I have also experienced a bond with each of my children before birth and to let go is heart wrenching. Although adoption may be a “better” way to go, raising your biological children is important because separation at birth is very traumatizing to both the mother and child, and bonding begins before birth even occurs.

Psychologists and some researchers believe that the bond between mother and child begin before birth. The bond is believed to be created in utero. Nancy Verrier (1991), an adoptive mother and researcher, states “I believe that this connection, established during the nine months is utero, is a profound connection, and it is my hypothesis that the severing of that connection between the child and biological mother causes a primal or narcissistic wound which often manifests in a sense of loss (depression), basic mistrust (anxiety), emotional and/ or behavioral problems and difficulties in relationships whith significant others.” It is believed by many people that bonding begins after natural, however, the fact is brought to us that bonding begins before natural. (Soll)(Adoption Myths and Facts). If every “potential” birth mother believed that the bond between mother and child came during the first nine months of creation it is believed that there would be less adopiton. It would then be more difficult for a mother to place her child into another womans arms knowing that her child has already bonded with her during the pregnancy. Knowing and believing that the mother’s bond with that child was created before birth it may create a stronger feeling of motherhood , which in turn makes it difficult for the mother to feel okay and satisfied with the idea of placing her newly born child.

The bond while in utero may create trauma if seperation at birth occurs. It is believed that adopted children, when adopted at birth, begin their lives in this world with the feeling of pain and even the feeling of terror of separation from the biological mother. Verrier states (1991), “They experience the environment as hostile and their bond to the mother as transitory. They may also unconsciously experience themselves as having been somehow lacking or unworthy of their birth parents’ love and protection.” Soll (N/A) also states, “the infant is not affected by the loss of her original mother, however the fact is the pain and anger of seperation are not forgotten.”

If mothers believe that their child will endure so much pain because of the separation at birth it is believed that adoption rates would become lower. Believing that the pain is so intense and a mother’s love for a child would change the thoughts on placing children for adoption. If the mother still chooses to place her child and the adoptive parents also believe that a child, as an infant, would endure so much pain they would chose to have more of an open adoption. The adoptive family will also give the child time to grieve for their loss and understand that they are crying for their biological mother instead of feeling that the child is just crying and maybe colicky. It is also believed that when a child is being placed with another family that the birth mother should first take the infant home. The child should have the first couple of weeks with the biological mother so the trauma is less then if leaving their only known security right at birth. Trauma for the biological mother can be life long. After placing a child for adoption the birth mother may go through many fears if she becomes a mother again. She may have that fear of leaving her child or somebody taking her child from her. I continue to have trauma due to my daughter’s adoption. My second daughter was born six years after my first daughter and my fear was unreal. I had a fear of forgetting my daughter. The trauma that I had to endure during this time had me continually feeling crazy, like I was an over protective parent, too over protective.

“Years later, when I was married, I wanted to have more children, but I couldn’t conceive. Isn’t it wonderful that I had a child at 16? Praise God!” This is what Maya Angelou had to say about becoming a teen parent. She had support, the support of her mother. If all women can find the support in anyone, a parent, a friend or just a support group they would have the chance. Angelou says about her mother, “Now tell me this – do you love the boy?” I said no. “Does he love you?” I said no. “The there’s no point in ruining three lives. We are going to have our baby!” This is what women need, a person that will support her no matter what her choice is. It is even better to have the support of some one that will stand by your side as you raise your child you believed you could not raise. If the mother has a support system she can then create her goals for her future. She can come up with realistic goals for her and her new family. A scared girl that becomes a mother can become a strong woman because of an infant. As you raise your child your life changes from being selfish to being selfless and embracing the child as her life. Of course there are struggles being a teen or single mom, but more then that there are rewards. Angelou also stated, “I struggled, sure. We lived hand-to-mouth, but it was really heart-to-hand.” She also said, “Having my son brought out the best in me and enlarged my life. Whatever he missed, he himself is a great father today. He was once asked what it was like growing up in Maya Angelou’s shadow, and he said, “I always thought I was in her light.” This just shows that a mother can grow and can make her situation worth everything. Maya Angelou shows how strong a woman can become, she shows that we can all make the best out of whatever life throws our way. Along with support you may also have other options then just adoption. You can chose to give guardianship to a relative that is able to raise your child at that time. If you chose to give guardianship to a relative you have the chance to better your life while still being connected with your child. You also have that chance of regaining guardianship and continue your path of parenting. Looking into this option can keep not only the mother but also the child from feeling the pain of adoption. This gives the mother and child a way to keep their bond and not become traumatized from being separated.

With children bonding in the womb and having the feelings of trauma because of their separation at birth does not mean then can not be happy when they are adopted. Children that are adopted may be raised in a “healthier” and “happier” environment; however that does not mean they will have the sense of belonging. They may still become depressed because of the feelings of rejection or being “unwanted”. Children may not understand or believe that their birth mother loves them. Adoptive families do not always keep open contact with birth families and do not always tell their children at a young age that they are adopted. Children may be very confused when they learn about their adoption at an older age, they may feel betrayed by their adoptive parents because they held this information and also betrayed by their biological parents because they did not want the child.

A birth mother may have a sense of happiness along with a sense of guilt and sadness. A birth mother can be happy in an adoption situation, however, the pain and the missing your child never goes away. A birth mother may look back at her situation and say, “I would do it all over again just the way it happened.”, however, she will say that will tear filled eyes. The happiness may be there because a birth mother believes she did the “right” thing for her child but it is covering up the tears and the pain. Isabel Oakeshott (2003), states, “Missing the first few days of a baby's life is highly traumatic for any mother. Experts say it could take months or even years to come to terms with the experience.” Contrary to early myths that denied differences, adoption now is characterized as an alternative way to form a family that has lifelong implications for members of the adoption triad. This change can be traced to groundbreaking survey research that documented the problems experienced by adoptive parents and clinical research showing an overrepresentation of adopted children in psychiatric clinics (Baden, 2003).

If you were to find yourself with an unplanned pregnancy what would be your next step? Although placing your child for adoption may provide him/her with a better financial situation you need to weigh that with the pain that may be caused. It is important to know that a bond between mother and child begins before birth and that separation at birth is a traumatizing experience for both. Adoption can be a happy and healthy experience for everyone involved but remember that no matter your age you can raise your children with the right support from family, friends and family services in your area. Just think about this for a minute “You know, kids do not like to be different and anytime they have a label on them... society still labels adopted kids. I mean, I don't know how many times you've read in the newspaper about Ronald Reagan's adopted son, Michael. They still put that damn adopted label on him. So long as society is still doing that, every adopted child is still going to feel on one level out of place in their family” (Wegar, 2000).

I would like to update on the adoption situation. I've come to terms with it, for the most part. I have my days where I'm a little depressed, but it's really all emotional. I want my son back, because it' s emotional. I want another baby, because I miss my son and again it's all emotional. 

I've come to realize, I really can't handle a child at this point in my life. That is the reason I gave my son up in the first place. I'm only nineteen, I'm still trying to correct the mistakes I have made in my teenage years. I can't even take care of a pet, let alone a child. I am a impatiant, and I really can't handle stress.

I'm just glad I have got over this stupid depression! Yayyy! 

<3
 

Current Mood:

calm

I worried
about shelter, food, clothing.
I wanted to make sure you never had to worry.

I constantly judged.
People looked at my baby bump and my empty ring finger and frowned.
When I spoke of my adoption plan near strangers told me "I wouldn't ever give my baby up"
I wanted more for you then a young, single mother.

For nine months I was tired, hungry, stressed, and by the end... miserable.
But when I saw your face, it was all worth it.
This was my first glimpse of motherhood

When my sister and her husband became pregnant last chirstmas, I was so excited.
When she felt her daughters' first kicks, I remembered yours
Sitting beside her, in those final hours before birth I remembered the pain of labor.

I watched her hold her children for the very first time and I knew, just how in love she was and how she was no longer thinking of that pain.

The rest of my sister's first year as a mother, I don't know anything about.
I don't know much about the sleepless nights, the endless crying and feedings.
I don't change diapers
I don't put away for college funds, or research day care.

I don't have first smiles, first steps, or first words.
I've never had a baby who tracked my every move, or who was calmed by only me.
As we plan my niece's first birthday I think of your first birthday, that I spent in Europe... and how no one understood how hard that was.

On mother's day, we celebrate the day to day mom's everywhere who always put their children first. I await the day I can celebrate this joy and sacrafice much like I imagined your mother did while she was waiting for you.

Today, we remember the one, major sacrifice we as Birthmother's make when we choose to give our children a better life.

It's Eric's 3rd birthday. At this time three years ago I was in a hospital bed, pushing with every ounce of physical and emotional energy I had.
Eric was born 10:26pm.

I had a visit with him on Saturday for his birthday party. I got to meet a lot of their friends and all the kids he plays with on a daily basis. It blows my mind how much their circle of friends knows about me. They all embrace me when I arrive, speak to me by my first name without even being introduced. (It sounds odd, but in my mind I don't even consider them knowing my name on their own. Does that make sense?)
It's overwhelming the love their family has for me and my own. I think everyday that I am the luckiest and I chose the best family I could have. My parents tell me the same thing every time we go for a visit and they are around Eric, seeing him in his element and environment.

Here are a few pictures from the big day! Enjoy.

(Also! I've wanted to ask this question for awhile but never get around to it.)

For those of you who are in open adoptions and your child has other adopted siblings... are their birth parents in the picture? If so, have you met? Do you get along? Do you ever feel threatened or (for the birth mom's who came first) territorial?
They adopted a little girl who recently turned 6 months and also have an open adoption. I've never met Sydney, the birth mom.. only talked about her with Jim and Cath. She's really, really different from me on all levels. I'm sure we WILL meet one day, just not sure when.
How did you react? Or.. what is the relationship like?
Just curious.
Thanks in advance!

(Lucky kid got two cakes! One for his friends and the other from me since when I asked him what special dessert he wanted, I got the response "mixed berry, adramom!" He got a trifle, lol.)

Current Mood:	nostalgic
Current Music:	the long winters-hindsight

We have been invited to go see the movie tomorrow with another couple. I am interested in seeing it, just not sure that if its going make me emotional or upset me on how its presented seeing it with new friends who don't know about my birthmother "hat" just yet.

I am not looking forward to christmas.

Current Mood:	sad
Current Music:	Kundalini Express - Love and Rockets