The FOOBiverse!'s Journal

Saturday, 26 December 2009
Now that we've had the traditional martyrdom and reminder that Mike is selfish, let's see Elly misinterpret John's buying that string of pearls as an admission of guilt; we know that Lynn has the capacity, willingness and need to use the holiday season as a club to bludgeon Rod over the head.

Friday, 25 December 2009
Let's hope that Wednesday's strip was a fluke; we don't need to see Elly get martyred or to see Mike whine that he's bored today of all days.

I should have known better; we get both.

Panel 1: We start with Eyeless Elly PEEL-PEEL-PEEL-PEEL-PEELing one of the potatoes she and the family will later CHOMP-CHEW-GRUNCH-CRUNCH-SLUP-SLORK-GLUT down when it's incredibly hot.

Panel 2: She next BASTES the turkey which is BAKING in the oven; vegetables are BOILING as everything SIZZLES and COOKS.

Panel 3: Instead of SET-PLACE-ARRANGE-STRAIGHTENing the table, she thought-bubbles "Set the table, open the wine, check on desert, make gravy, mash the spuds (Got dang it, Lynn, that's POTATOES, not spuds), cook the veg..."

Panel 4: As Elly takes a casserole out of the over, Doll-child Michael comes up to her in his zigzag sweater and whines "It's not fair...."

Panel 5: "....once the presents are opened, Christmas is OVER!!" This sentiment astonishes Elly, who's busy mashing the potatoes. Her Christmas will not end until she washes the last dish by herself. She's forced to do that because when John puts the silverware away, he points it the wrong way so she has to rewash everything so it'll be done right.

Summary: Let's see what we didn't need to see. We didn't need the captions 'cause we're not stupid, we didn't need Elly martyring herself because it's just gross and we didn't have to see Mike whine because that got old years ago. It's like expecting a shiny new bike under the tree and getting a 24-pack of tightie-whities.

Thursday, 24 December 2009
Well, now that Connie is around, it's sort of obvious that we're probably in for an inferior re-telling of the "He's single, isn't he?" strip; this bad situation will be made worse by Elly's wanting to 'take care' of her kid brother like a 'caring', 'responsible' older sister should. The result will be a big mess that adds fuel to the stupid grudge Flapandhonk has been holding against him ever since Marian told her to shut up and quit lecturing him.

It'll be Boxing Week when that happens; right now, Mike's gotta check up on Santa.

Panel 1: We see three-foot tall Michael walking down the hall.

Panel 2: He holds onto the border of the panel as he looks at the tree; since there are no presents underneath it, he thought-bubbles "Not yet."

Panel 3: About an hour later, Two-foot tall Mike walks on the staircase.

Panel 4: He again leans into the room, sees that no gifts are under the tree and thinks "Nope, not yet."

Panel 5: An hour after that, he looks in the room and thinks "WHOA!!"

Panel 6: As he sees the gifts that John and Elly have put under the tree, he thought-bubbles "How does Santa DO that??"

Summary: This is a fairly cute strip that a lot of people would probably want to stick on a fridge; too bad that we had the present search and Elly's nasty use of Santa as a threat as antecedents, though. That sort of soured the sweetness we see here.

Wednesday, 23 December 2009
Let's see if Lynn can keep the good strips coming; it may seem like an odd thing to say at this late stage in the game but I actually sort of want to miss her when she goes. That's, of course, because I remember what she can do when she tries.

Crap; I knew it wouldn't last.

Panel 1: We start the proceedings in the kitchen. Connie asks Elly if her children are excited about Christmas; Elly, who's burdened with Barnacle Lizzie, says that Michael is.

Panel 2: As they put their coffee cups on the table, Elly says that Lizzie is still to young to really grasp the whole thing.

Panel 3: She then says "She's really not sure what the whole thing is about, are you, honey?" as she and Connie sit down.

Panel 4: Muppet-mouth Connie laughs because Elly's gobsmacked after Lizzie reaches for the cookies that are on the table and says GIMME!!

Summary: The stupid moral of today's strip is that all children think Christmas is about is getting things; since Lizzie's eyes are bigger than her stomach, she can be said to know what's going on after all.

Tuesday, 22 December 2009
Today's new-ruin is, I'm told, a moderately-sweet moment shared between a boy and his uncle; looking at this sort of thing makes me think that it's sort of a bummer that Phil didn't think that he was dad material.

Panel 1: It's a little bit later and Mike, who's about to go to sleep for real, says "You know this is my bedroom, don'cha, Uncle Phil?" Phil, who's a better house guest than Mike will ever be despite his smoking a pipe in the vicinity of a small child, thanks him for giving it up for the duration.

Panel 2: Mike acts like an actual child by reminding Phil that he can sleep in his bed an'touch his stuff --- 'cept his teddy; Phil can't have him. Phil smiles and says "No?"

Panel 3: He then says "Oh, well...I'll try and sleep without a teddy. It'll be tough, man, but I think I can do it" as he gets into bed.

Panel 4: A few minutes later, we see Mike in the cot he's sleeping in over the holidays. Well, he wants to sleep but something is keeping him up.

Panel 5: That 'something' must have been concern for Phil 'cause he just tucked Super Teddy under the man's arms.

Summary: I like this strip; it shows you what Lynn can do if she tries.

Coffee Talk, the week of 21 December 2009
I'm not sure what'll happen the next two weeks but I'm putting up a thread anyway.

Monday, 21 December 2009
Now that we've been reminded that Phil knows as much about children as Elly does, it isn't much of a stretch to assume that Christmas week will be spent reminding him that there's a woman with a kid that needs a mayyyyuuunnn to complete her so he should listen to his older sister for once in his life and settle down.

Actually, it's Phil trying to unwind the kids by reading to them; it doesn't quite take but it's more than Elly ever did.

Panel 1: We see Phil, who's sitting on a bed with Mike and Lizzie, holding a copy of Yuletide Classics; he says "'Twas the night before Christmas and all 'round the tree...." to which Mike responds "That's not how it goes!!"

Panel 2: He then says "'Twas the night before Christmas and all 'round the ring, the fans were betting on which guy would win."; Muppet-Mouth Mike smiles and says "No!!" while Lizzie giggles.

Panel 3: Mike screams in delight as Phil says "'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the street, the vampire was looking for something to eat."

Panel 4: They resume the horseplay that we ended the week with.

Panel 5: We shift focus to the kitchen; John, who's leaning over Elly's shoulder as she reads the newspaper, asks where her brother is. She tells him "Upstairs, reading the kids to sleep."

Summary: As I said, his attempt to get them to sleep doesn't take because he's being silly; still, he's paid them more attention and given them less grief for being kids than Elly is capable of.

Sunday, 20 December 2009
It seems to me that we have a fifty-fifty shot at getting a Christmas-themed reprint today; if that happens, we'll be in luck because the Lynn of old did the Holidays marginally better than she does now. It's a new-ruin, sadly enough; for some reason, the preponderance of department store and sidewalk Santas leads to Elly moaning about how she has no help and no time to herself.

Panel 1: Elly, Non-barnacle Mike and Lizzie, who's in that odd and probably anachronistic backpack get-up are passing by a store window as they watch a child about to tell Santa what he wants for Christmas.

Panel 2: They walk towards by a Santa dingle-dongling his bell for the generic charity he's collecting for.

Panel 3: As they walk by him, his presence gives Mike pause.

Panel 4: As they come across another Santa, he asks Elly why there are so many of them.

Panel 5: He points out that they saw one in the mall, one on the street and the one here.

Panel 6: Elly suggests that maybe they're ALL Santa; instead of gasping "WOW!!" like a real child his age, Mike asks if that's even possible.

Panel 7: She sets up the weak punchline by saying that the job of Santa is special as it's just like being a mom.

Panel 8: She thought-bubbles that everyone expects her to do everything and be everywhere at the same time.

Summary: We get it, already, Elly!! Your husband is a selfish jackass who thinks that you should be chained to the kitchen and your children are messy, clingy, noisy brats who want to steal your intellect and nobody will ever thank you until they scatter your ashes.

Saturday, 19 December 2009
Now that we've been told that Phil must settle down and shown that he's Patterparenting material, he must be reminded of the instant family, mortgage, passive-aggressive moral bullying and bourgeois anomie that is there for the taking down at the Poirier house.

It's more of Phil, not knowing how to deal with kids.

Panel 1: As super-happy Barnacle Lizzie and Mike ask for more forbidden play, attention and stimulation, an exhausted Phil says "That's enough! I can't play any more...it's time for BED!!"

Panel 2: He then asks Elly what's wrong with these barnacle kids. Rather than admit that they've discovered that it feels good to run around and do all the other things she bellows at them for doing, she makes some idiotic talky-talk about how he got them all excited; he chased'em 'round the house and wound'em up.

Panel 3: He explains that he was trying to tire them out. The Voice of Not-learning-from-experience says "Nope. Doesn't work. You wound'em up, now you hafta unwind'em."

Panel 4: He thought-bubbles that he'll never understand what makes kids tick.

Summary: First, children are not clockworks to be wound and unwound; second, the desire they have to play is not evil like Elly and Phil clearly seem to think. It merely inconveniences those adults who cannot remember what it was to be a child; those adults would rip the feeling that knows that it feels good to run in circles and shriek in delight from the souls of the young because it disrupts their solitude.

Friday, 18 December 2009
Now that Elly has reminded Phil of his "duty" as an adult to settle down, raise a family, join the PTA, buy some sensible shoes and a Chevrolet and then party till he's broke and they drag him away, she'll probably suggest the perfect person to Dare to be Stoopid with: Connie.

Tomorrow, I guess; today, Phil shows that he doesn't have what it takes to be a dad.

Panel 1: A happy Phil picks up a happy Lizzie as happy Mike gives him a bear hug.

Panel 2: The three of them continue to get tactile.

Panel 3: As the kids SHRIEK and race around the room, he joins in the fun.

Panel 4: All this playing has worn Phil out (or perhaps Mike's hideous leer has taken the wind out of his sails); as they WHIZZZZZ around him in circles, he tells them he's had enough and it's time for them to go to bed.

Summary: Since Phil thinks of being a parent as being a babysitter and finds children's behavior an exhausting hindrance, maybe Elly has a bit of a point about his settling down and raising a family. I mean, he's as competent as John is now and Mike and Anthony will be later on.

ETA: Lynn's newest banner wishes us a Merry Christmas.

Thursday, 17 December 2009
Now that Phil has made the scene, it's sort of obvious that Poor-pitiful-lonely-Connie will be sniffing around, ready to remind him that he's a bad person for not responding to her clear desire to land a mayyyyunnn at any cost either today or tomorrow. This, of course, will set up her whining about how she never learns from her mistakes. Twenty-five years later, another clingy, whiny nitwit will moan about the son being in her eyes so she might have a point.

It's more of stupid Elly getting all pissy because he's free and she ain't.

Panel 1: As he sits on the couch bouncing Lizzie on his knees, Phil tells Elly that his jazz quartet is booked over the holidays for a high-paying gig at the same venue it usually is.

Panel 2: As she hands him his coffee, he says that he likes being at the Pattermanse that time of year as he gets to see friends and family and keep in touch.

Panel 3: He then reminds her that he rented a car and will be in and out; she confirms that she knows the routine.

Panel 4: She then asks a question that ensures that she'll set Connie up to be humiliated and add fuel to her idiotic and petty vendetta against him: "Will you ever settle down?" He reminds her that he's sitting on her couch bouncing his niece on his knee.

Panel 5: She reminds him that she resents his happy, care-free existence by saying "I meant for more than a week."

Summary: The nifty thing about the catalog is that it allows you to see that Elly has always bitterly and vocally resented that Phil has things easier than she does and will not let go of the past; this means that she will lie like a son-of-a-bitch and get Connie's hopes up for nothing in order to drag Phil crashing down to the same life of misery she has out of pea-brained malice.

Farley's Progress......
It seems that the studio's attention was focused on the plushie today, thereby explaining why Coffee Talk didn't update.

( Farley's Progress: )

Wednesday, 16 December 2009
Now that Ted has done John's shopping for him, let's see where this leads; perhaps a discussion of Elly's friends who happen to be unattached will be in the offing.

Ah; Phil is here to set up the last great sequence of new-ruins.

Panel 1: Muppet-mouth Mike and Lizzie celebrate Phil's just having arrived by his yelling "Uncle Phil is here! Uncle Phil is here!"

Panel 2: Mike, who's actually acting six for once, says "Howlongcanyoustay? Didjabringyourtrupet? Igotanewvideogame!Wannaplay?"; Phil, in attempt to keep his nephew from overheating and bursting a blood vessel, says "Whoa." as if he is suddenly Arthur Fonzarelli.

Panel 3: As they walk down the hall, Elly tells the kids to let Phil get settled; he says the same thing and Mike agrees to it.

Panel 4: As Phil checks out the guest room, Elly's silhouette thought-bubbles "...and THEN you can drive him crazy."

Summary: It's sort of like multiplying by zero with Elly, ain't it? We know that she really doesn't like it when kids act like kids and since she's an idiot, she assumes everyone else fears and hates children as much as she does and will rapidly tire of and be repelled by their evil desire to make noise, ask questions and play.

Tuesday, 15 December 2009
Let's see where John and Ted's conversation takes them; knowing Lynn's need to bash Rod, their destination is probably Palookaville.

And I'm sort of glad to be wrong; Ted maneuvers John into buying jewelry for the missus.

Panel 1: We start with an exterior shot of a jewelry store. Ted's disembodied voice says that a pearl necklace would be perfect. When John's disembodied voice asks if he's sure, Ted says 'Absolutely.'

Panel 2: He advises John to get Elly something simple and elegant; as he looks in the display case, he says "That one, for instance, is quite lovely" about the necklace that seems the most appropriate.

Panel 3: Having chosen the Perfect Necklace, he says "Yes, that will do nicely" and asks the clerk if he can gift wrap it for his friend; the clerk says that it would be his pleasure.

Panel 4: As the clerk hands him his package, John thanks him.

Panel 5: As they walk back to the office, Ted tells John to trust him when he says that Elly will be thrilled that he chose and wrapped something like this himself.

Summary: What makes it funny is that while Ted came up with the idea and chose the right necklace while the clerk wrapped it. John gets all the glory. Funnier still, Ted knows Elly better than John does.

Coffee Talk, the week of 14 December 2009
I think that

howtheduck is right to assume that Coffee Talk is going to be stuck on auto-pilot for a while; we can look forward to three bland entries about not much.

Monday, 14 December 2009
Now that the holidays are getting closer, we're probably about to see one of the last few series of new-ruins as Phil shows up to make Connie's Yule cruel.

Perhaps later in the week; right now, clueless twit John proves my point about his only seeing Elly as a housewife as he and Loser Ted discuss his plan to buy her an appliance instead of something she wants.

Panel 1: As John and Ted walk down the street, Ted asks "Got anything for the wife yet, John?" John says that he hasn't but he does have some ideas.

Panel 2: He then shoots down Ted's asking if those ideas involve diamonds or pearls by telling him that Elly's far too practical for that stuff; this demonstrates his utter lack of knowledge of the woman he married because she does sort of want jewelry.

Panel 3: What he is thinking of is a food sealer; since he's sure that Ted doesn't go in the kitchen, he explains that it's one of those wrapping gadgets that cover leftovers in plastic. Ted's response is to say "Right...."

Panel 4: "...and every time she thinks of vegetables, she'll think of you."

Summary: Since this is a family strip, Ted can't say the obvious and point out that John should use his wonderful gizmo on his gonads; after all, he won't be needing them for a while. The way I see it is that if he has to go into debt, better he should do it in a way that would help him get his end off; reminding the wife that he sees her as a domestic with bed privileges (to use her words) ain't gonna do that. This is especially silly because, while the idea for an appliance was inspired by John's better instincts, it's going to be wasted on a woman who isn't the practical, sensible figure he believes her to be.

Sunday, 13 December 2009
Let's hope today's strip is less jarring to behold than last Sunday's; I don't think most of us could take a repeat of last week's mess.

What we get is one hundred percent, guaranteed "Camera in my house" fuel; that's because Annie and Elly share a good chuckle as they anticipate their oncoming Yuletide martyrdom. We start with Annie talking about having done a whole lot of stuff and then admitting she too is pressed for time; for some reason, they bond because of it.

Panel 1: We start with Elly supervising Lizzie and Christopher, whose sweater has a zigzag stripe, as they play with blocks; as Annie pours the coffee, she says "Well, I got the entire house cleaned up..."

Panel 2: As she holds the mugs, she says "...and I'm ready for company."

Panel 3: She smiles as she boasts that she's got all her Christmas shopping done and her gifts are wrapped.

Panel 4: Not only that, she wrote a three-page Christmas newsletter and sent out all the cards AGES ago.

Panel 5: She's even bought the turkey, made the stuffing and cranberry sauce and done all her baking.

Panel 6: There's nothing left now but to sit back and enjoy the holidays.

Panel 7: Elly's look of confusion is sort of understandable; she's wondering how Annie was able to find all that time.

Panel 8: In any event, Annie admits that she was kidding about having done all that; she's hardly even started to prepare for the holiday.

Panel 9: The two of them hug and laugh uproariously as they anticipate racing around in a blind panic and yelling at husbands who ask stupid questions they HATE!! about how they invest their time. Also, we get to look at Elly's country-wide ass. Again.

Summary: I'm sort of glad it's a more benign outing than last week but not that glad; I don't like it when people waste time like these two and then rush around mindlessly because of it.

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