Advice from you other Parents...
In the state of Michigan when a child turns twelve s/he is considered legally old enough to decide which parent they want to live with.

My oldest son turned 12 the beginning of last month. He has been aware of this option opening up to him for a year or so now and since his birthday he has asking me to talk to his Father about him coming back to live with me. (quick background info: my ex and I arranged to have the children live with him full time while I was finishing up school) I agreed to talk to his Father but I have admittedly been putting it off for fear of how to deal with my ex. Joshua (my son) has asked his Father before about coming back to live with me (before he was 12) and his Father basically told him that he didn't think it was a good idea because his home was more stable (he owns a house and isn't likely to move in a couple of years) and since I am in school and I work I won't have a lot of time for him.

The last year and a half Joshua has been struggling with his school work. Not getting it completed in class or not doing it when he was home. Nathan (my ex) and I have gone round and round trying to find ways to encourage him to take more responsibility. Since I told Joshua that I would speak with his Father about him moving in with me he has brought up all of his grades in school and it taking more incentive to make sure he has his assignments done. I don't know if it is related to his anticipation in moving here, but my gut tells me it is.

Now to my problem. My ex husband is very intimidating. Not in a physical way, but in a verbal way. He's a pretty intelligent guy who loves to debate and pretty much is a know-it-all. He is also a pretty controlling guy and is used to getting his way (mostly because he's good at breaking people down through debate). Since our divorce over 6-1/2 years ago I have avoided getting into argumentative situations with him as much as possible. And the times that I have attempted to discuss issues with him I get angry so quick because he blatantly ignores anything I am saying or throws old issues back in my face so that nother ever gets accomplished.

I need to talk to him about having Joshua come live with me, though. Joshua is so eager that he's already told his friends that he will be moving. I worry about that because I don't want him to suffer any dissapointment should Nathan decide to make a big issue out of this. We have joint custody so it's not like he can tell me "No. Josh can't come live with you." but because I am so anxious about talking to him about the situation I sometimes almost believe that he will do that and succeed!!

I need some advice on how to approach him in a way that isn't confrontational (because of my automatic defensiveness when dealing with him in these situations). I have thought about setting up a meeting with a mediator. Joshua has asked if he can be there too because he wants to be able to tell his Dad how much he wants to move in with me. I am struggling with that idea but I think it might be good for Nathan to hear it straight from the source instead of hearing it from me. I suppose it is old baggage that he carries still, but he tends to see me as someone who doesn't deserve a whole lot of respect so it's often when I have something to say he sort of sarcastically snorts and has a smart ass remark to contribute.

I guess what I need to know is how to I deal with someone who I am, for all practial purposes, still very much intimidated by? I know that I should be able to set aside my own fears and such for the sake of my son, but even the slightest thought in talking to Nathan about this sets my gut to knot tying. I have been telling Joshua the last 2 weekends that I will email his Father "soon" to talk with him about it, but "soon" is taking longer than it should. I just can't keep putting it off. Especially since Joshua wants to do the switch during the holiday break.

So any thoughts? Words of wisdom? Advice? Anything you can offer will be grealtly appreciated.

Thank You.