You've probably seen it, but just in case: cereta's made a wonderful post on men who don't rape, and in fact who help women out and back them up in tough situations. Lots of good comments, including a tactic for helping.

I'm off to Arisia in Boston this weekend. I saw on the schedule that shadesong and a couple other people are doing a panel for teens on how to have good boundaries and back each other up at cons, which I'm happy to see.

I'm planning to print out a couple fliers and have them in my room - Spicy Braids, room 314. If you are a Backup Woman or part of the Gentlemen's Auxiliary, feel free to stop by and say hi!

So I was in Brüsel, the coolest comic book store in Brussels and one of my favourite places ever, and this guy brushes behind me. I say "sorry" with an awkward smile, assuming that he didn't mean to bump me in a narrow space, and he grins back.

It happens again: bump, brush, "sorry". But it feels weirder, this time, and I fail to smile.

The third time I feel...something far more definite, and realise he's been dragging his crotch across my rump. I stare openmouthed at him and he gives me the same fucking grin that I now understand means "b****, I have had your ass in a million different ways in my MIND."

I RUN upstairs, and would you believe it, after a minute or so he FOLLOWS me. I run back downstairs preparing to beg help from the lady at the till, but before I can do it he leaves.

I tried to give them a description of the guy but he was so generic I couldn't find anything to fix on. It was my first time in Brussels and I really loved that store, but now my whole trip was tainted by that memory. How often does that man come in to molest tourist girls in the narrow English section? Is it likely it'll happen to me in another store? (I have been asked for my IM, my phone number, and if I had a boyfriend or wanted to go out in other comic stores, but nothing this invasive or blatant.)

And most importantly, why didn't I do something about it?

Sometimes I've been able to yell "back off!" or otherwise defend myself, but very often I find I just...can't. I'm too shocked, or clueless, or afraid, or even bizarrely ashamed to tell people to stop perving on me. Reading this comm makes me feel I'm not the only one, so I was wondering...how do I handle this? I don't want to be paranoid, but I also NEVER again want to let anyone cop THREE feels of me before I even twig to what's going on!

hey folks,

I'm going to be making some website updates over the next week. If there's anything in particular you'd like to see linked, added to the FAQ, etc, please comment here and let me know!

A rant reposted by request from my personal LJ. And yes this was in response to some sexually predatory behavior that went on a con.
-----
Don't fuck drunk (in that casual sex sorta way)

Seriously. Don't fuck someone when you're too drunk to think. Don't get someone drunk just so you can fuck them. Don't fuck someone who is too drunk to think. Just don't.

When someone is drunk, they can't really consent to anything. Anything. You know how when you're drunk really stupid things seem like great ideas? Like how it somehow makes sense to lie down on the sidewalk in order to make the world stop spinning, or it totally makes sense to
get in a fist fight with the toughest person in the room over who was the best singer in Van Halen? Guess what, those thing seemed awesome because your judgment is impaired when you're drunk. If you can't be trusted to figure out your portion of the bar bill, what the hell are you doing making complicated decisions about your sexual health and safety?

I should be clear, when I say "don't fuck drunk" I'm not saying you have to be sober as a judge before any sexy times. Lord knows I have engaged in plenty of shenanigans while not entirely sober. But, I've done that when my judgment hasn't been significantly impaired by booze.

Having a drink or two so you relax and feel comfortable doing something you want to do anyway is one thing. Having three or four drinks and ending up in a situation you would never agree to while sober, is the problem I'm ranting about.

Obviously, when you're drunk it can be hard to make good judgments. It takes a real asshole to get someone drunk in order to fuck them. If you wouldn't fuck someone when you're sober, then they get you drunk, and start pressuring you to sleep with them, they are a total rat bastard. They don't give a shit about you as a person, otherwise they wouldn't plan ways to coerce you into doing something you don't want. They have maliciously chosen to violate you, and your stated wishes, by deliberately impairing your ability to think clearly and make decisions. As a corollary, if you the night after doing something while incapacitated that you were coerced, you were. If you don’t want to be in the position of saying “She was into it! She just doesn’t remember” then don’t fuck drunk people.

As human beings, as people who form communities, we have an obligation to look out for each other. When I go out drinking with friends, I keep an eye out for everyone. If it looks like someone is getting into a bad situation, I'll pull her aside and check in with her. Or, if she is really drunk, make the decision for her and shove her into a taxi to go home. I think it's critical to help each other out that way. Similarly, if I know someone engages in bad behavior with drunk women, I'll warn people. I'm not talking about spreading around every story I hear no matter how dubious, but giving someone else information that they can use to make their own decisions. They may decide to ignore what I have to say, or decide that the person has changed their behavior. The point is, keeping quiet about other people's assholery does no one any favors, and allows the asshole to screw over even more people because they don't know enough to be wary/careful.

One last thing. I think many fans think of cons as a safe space, and an asshole free zone. I’m here to say they’re not. Anyone who can pay the registration fee can walk in and be part of a con. Cons can have a really intense positive sense of community and “home.” Cons can be a place where it’s OK to run around scantily clad, say outrageous things and smooch people you don’t know very well. Which is totally awesome. However, you still need to have some level of caution with people. The compressed nature of cons don’t really lend themselves to taking your time. Usually the intense interactions go well, and I leave having had really great interactions with people, and feeling really close. But there are also always people who use that sense of closeness to engage in rampant assholery.

So remember, don’t fuck when you’re drunk off your ass. And drink some water before you go to bed to stave off the hangover.

This goes on the back of the pledge flier. I'm particularly interested in what people think of the text. I thought about having a sidebar for the Gentleman's Auxillary, but there isn't really room.

Source is here, with the same caveat about needing Inkscape. (Same license, too.)

I've been working on some fliers and stuff to take to NDK.





( Read more... )

It's pretty late to ask at this point, but is anyone going? It's my first con since hearing about the backup project, and I'd love for there to be some kind of presence at the con. Which I guess there will be, but it would be cool to be an army of more than two or three. :p

So, as has been pointed out, one of the things guys can do is talk to other guys about things they say or things they do which are kind of creepy. Call them out, whatever you want to call it. There are lots of ways to handle this kind of thing; humor, sarcasm, logical debate, all that can be effective. But I saw a vlog which breaks out a really useful core principle to help get through these conversations, no matter what style you approach them with. The vlog is about addressing racist comments or actions, but the principle applies just as well to situations where a guy says or does something sort of creepy or a little stalker-y or just plain wrong.

Jay Smooth: How to Tell People They Sound Racist.

"...focus on the part that matters: holding each person accountable for the impact of their words and actions."

I'll be distributing Project BackUp fliers around at the Portland Zine Symposium, both via the free table and with Jen and my zines. It's a comparatively small event, but it's on a college campus, so I'm hoping these'll fly farther than the Symposium (and pique the interest of some of the comics-folk who'll be there).

Girl-Wonder.org launches the Con Anti-Harassment Project, with plenty of reference to OSWBEOU(&GA):

The Con Anti-Harassment Project is a grass-roots campaign designed to help make conventions safer for everyone. Our aims are to encourage fandom, geek community and other non-business conventions to establish, articulate and act upon anti-harassment policies, especially sexual harassment policies, and to encourage mutual respect among con-goers, guests and staff.

Feedback, assistance and volunteers welcome!

So, who else is going to be at Dragon*Con?

Is anybody else attending?

I was reading through various link roundups today, and on one of them -- I don't recall which! -- I found a link to Karen Healey's crosspost of A Serious Note From John (she links to the original in her crosspost).

Thoughts, anyone? Was anyone doing Backup Project at Comic-Con? If not, is anyone planning to go next year who would be interested in doing one?

What are some ways to approach the con organizers about this issue?

damned_colonial just announced the Geek Feminism wiki. Thought some folks here might be interested!

Hi, folks,

I'm very happy to see the progress Project Backup is making, and I think it a fantastically proactive approach to a persistent and nasty problem.

My question has to do with other arenas that might be helped by a Project Backup approach to life: specifically, professional conferences in library-IT-related areas. If you'd be interested in some of my firsthand experiences and reflections thereupon, try this or this or this or this or this (warning: they're pretty tame, but there's still a chance that one or two will be triggering).

There have recently been some blog posts in libraryland suggesting a middle-of-the-road IT con, aimed at people who have grown beyond needing to be handheld through fluffy Web 2.0 stuff but don't yet have the chops for the existing straight-up library-IT conferences. I think this is a good idea... but given my experiences, I think the point needs to be made strongly and forcefully that sexist behavior won't fly in this context. I also think Project Backup would be helpful infrastructure for such a conference.

So is it okay if I mention Project Backup in this context? Is there anything special I should say or do to avoid coloring outside the lines?

It's a one in a million chance that the woman who backed me up last week reads this comm, but here's what happened:

It's a little after noon on a bright, sunny day and I'm walking to work. As I pass a coffeeshop, with several other people sitting at outside tables, a shirtless, middle-aged, disheveled guy, mumbling something slurred, steps out to block my way. "Excuse me," I say, and try to move around him. He moves aggressively to block my way. It's a narrow sidewalk; I can't get around him without stepping out into traffic and getting hit by a car.

He says "Can I see your passport?" and reaches out for me, or possibly my purse. I am literally stunned-- it's broad daylight, there are people around, it's a busy street-- but I can't get around him, I sure as hell don't want to turn my back and walk away. I start yelling at him to get the fuck out of my way and he doesn't even blink, which is creepy in and of itself-- I mean we're in public. Most people, even aggressive panhandlers or whatever, have enough of a self-preservation instinct to back the hell off when a woman starts yelling "DON'T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME."

And all of a sudden a black car pulls up to the curb and I see a woman in the drivers' seat. She honks her horn, but in the heat of the moment I don't realize that she's reaching over to unlock the door of her car so I can get in-- all that I see is that, since she's stopped in the street, I can step off the sidewalk, zip around the guy blocking my way, walk away *fast*, and hop on the bus waiting at the end of the block. Which I did. I didn't even realize that she was stopping for *me* until two blocks away.

So:

Dear short-haired brunette in a black car (?) --

I didn't get a very good look at you, but thank you so much for the backup. If I hadn't been so stunned about being accosted in *broad daylight* on a busy street in front of a handful of other people (none of whom did *anything* except sit there frozen like statues-- not even to pull out their cellphones-- even when I was yelling "Let me past, don't you touch me...") then I probably would have hopped in your car and accepted a ride. But I sincerely appreciate the offer. And I'm kinda impressed with you. :) You couldn't have heard me yelling for more than a few seconds, but you clearly were perceptive and decisive enough to realize I wasn't just kidding around-- you didn't think to yourself, "Well, I bet those other people will do something about it, none of my business," and you *did* something about it. And you helped me get out of a bad situation. So thanks.

I should end this by saying "I hope I'm in a situation where I can offer my help someday" but honestly, I wish we lived in a world where I'd never have to. But if I have to, I hope I can be as quick-thinking and decisive as you were. Thanks, brunette in a black car.

-- Sincerely, Tall brunette in a red top with a silver purse

Just in the vein of talking and sharing and encouraging, I thought I'd mention this.

I was on the train to a friend's house last night, and a woman got on and was crying a little. I couldn't easily get to her at the time, but when I got off the train I asked her if she was okay, thinking that if she needed I could make sure she had money for a taxi or something.

She said that she'd seen her daughter for the first time in years that day, and that the daughter's father wouldn't let his daughter go home with her mum (the woman I was talking to). She said that she was okay, just a bit upset and that her husband was picking her up at the other end.

I wished her well and said that I was sorry that it had happened, that I hoped that with her family's help they'd be able to make something work.

One of the things that I want to mention about this is that here in Australia, our racism is insidious and obvious all at once, and that if the woman I spoke to had been a white woman, I am sure others would have gone to speak to her. But because she was indigenous she was invisible. There is a strong tendency to turn a blind eye to the indigenous people in our community, and I didn't want to be one of those people. I didn't want to hesitate and not back her up if she needed it.

I heeded the backup call today. Nothing dramatic involving daring rescue while swinging in using, as for example, a chandelier. But it's mine so here I am with the sharing.
( Though we can pretend I had a heroic theme song, if that helps )

I've read through the other posts and the FAQ, and I just wanted to address a possible issue and add some encouragement: don't be afraid to back-up "tough"-looking women!

I'm a 6' tall woman with a mohawk and a leather jacket practically sewn on, and while that gives me a slight edge as back-up, it seems to rather hinder* being on the receiving end. People seem to assume that I can handle harassment better than others who are smaller or dress in a more waif-ish style, which isn't true. I've been in many uncomfortable (and some downright scary) situations where I would have loved back-up, but I either couldn't make eye-contact with or was summed up and dismissed by nearby women.

So I'm asking you, dear Back Up, to remember that strength comes in numbers, not just muscles and height. You may feel silly backing up someone bigger or more bad-ass, but I guarantee they won't think you're silly at all.




* And it's made worse, I feel, by the special breed of asshole that deliberately seeks out strong women to threaten and intimidate.