| In the end it dosen't even matter |
[05 Sep 2008|10:37am] |
No amount of manipulation overturns a court order and 24 hours later my daughter is home and in school with her brother.
In the end the truth rules and his money and lawyer can't get what they want. After all he's taken from us, in the end all I wanted were my babies and so it will be.
I'm sure I have a custody battle ahead of me but I am looking forward to it. He can't manipulate the court. They could care less how nice he is to them, how much money he can pay a lawyer, or how tough he is They don't care about his fancy vehicles. He can scheme and scam his way through life, but in the end the truth is that I am a good Mother and no matter how many people he convinces otherwise, these kids are in the right place as they've always been. After 6 years he suddenly wants custody? Why?
I really anticipated tears and emotion last night from Katanna. We had a "Welcome home!" cake and a special dinner, some special friends over and a generally awesome night. No tears at bedtime and I tucked the kids in when I went to bed to find them both asleep in the same bed. :) Touched my heart!!! She slipped right back into the mix as if she'd never left. And why would it feel different to her, it's been this way for her entire life minus one year!
I feel so complete. Justice has been served. My kids are together again.
Now if only I didn't have to watch my back for the next plan of attack he has coming. Don't worry, I'm on it. I just hope he's prepared for what comes next.
Things are finally coming together. Dream job, marriage certificate, court process. Now tbhat it's fall I will start teaching at the boxing club again. Life is like a bowl of cherries :D
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| hollywoodfalls |
[04 Sep 2008|08:08pm] |
If your looking for my graphics check out Hollywoodfalls!
;)
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[04 Sep 2008|10:58pm] |
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Good Eats |
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Um, .do you remember the icon I had that was a little cup cake?
Tiff, you commented on it....
it seriously....changed itself.....
wtf
We are all in the gutter
but some of us are looking at the stars
HUH!?!?!?! halp!
Weird
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| On Vox: QotD: You Shouldn't Have! |
[04 Sep 2008|07:16pm] |
What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?
Submitted by tammy
She wrote "If you kill yourself, I'll kill myself aswell."
I know it's morbid and stupid and depressing. But that's the nicest thing anybody has ever done for me. I was in a weird place back then, being beaten up by my former step-dad on a regular basis ( fancy how I can just write that, just like that. In this non-chalant kind of way. As if it was the past now, forgotten, forgiven. Over. It isn't. ) and all this depression going on in my head.
Diana had been on vacation during the summer, some house, some friend, some place. I loved her so much that year, that summer I could barely stand it. She was about 5 feet, tiny and punk all over and inside. She never cared for how she looked. Where she stayed. What she did.
And weirdly enough she loved me back. We were the bestest of friends for a whole summer. Maybe even longer, it's all blurred out by now.
I was in an odd mood that day, being all self-centered, truly 14 with all my senses. I couldn't see forth or back or be in the present. And she wasn't there. We talked on the phone a bit and afterward I txted her how much I couldn't do things anymore. How i just couldn't.
That was also the summer I had started cutting myself. By that day my arms were slashed with cuts, deep, thick ones and tiny little scratches. I think that must have been the summer when people stopped seing me in short sleeves. I was making up this story about how my skin was sensitive and how it got burned too easily. That's when I started getting pale aswell.
It was never anything dramatic or well thought through. I just did it.
There was no giant media coverage on self harm back then - that was about to happen three or four years after with all the emo kids. I didn't know what I was doing was self-harm. It was obviously harming myself but it didn't feel like it... I haven't thought about this in what feels like decades. It's a whole different life.
There is nobody waiting to beat me up after school anymore. There is no fear of not understanding maths and getting hit for it. There's no anxiousness to get the last train before 7 or otherwise I won't see daylight ever again. All this pressure, this giant, massive boulder inside me is gone. It's gone. Back then it seemed like that was how life was supposed to be.
Full of pain and harm.Of not being in control over your own happiness. I couldn't decide wether or not the day would be a good day or not. The day could kill me if it wanted, lift me up, hit me in the face over dishes or a messy room. Over how wrong my clothes were, how unsporty my attitude was, how I was wasting my life in front of the telly.
The telly teached me english. I am self-taught. All of this. I taught this to myself. Tenses, grammer, jokes. All of it. I always had F's in school. In english. They didn't teach me. I did. I spent 7 seasons of Buffy in front of the telly watching the original series with the transcripts next to it and now I am fluent.
He hated it. He hated the potential I was. Reflecting how he has lost every single bit of his by now. He hated my life in front of him where there was none of his. He hated me being smarter then him. He hated me having more opportunities.
Atleast I wish those were the reasons. I don't actually know. But in my twisted head those are valuable reasons to beat up a girl. They are atleast understandable. They make sense to me.
What if he just did it? Just like that. Because he is who he is.
I want him to be a noble. I want his fists and abuse to be noble. I really wanted him to be my dad.
So I cut and I wanted to die. And she just wrote that if i end my life hers will end aswell. How can anything be nicer than that?
Originally posted on darkenedfairy.vox.com
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| first day of classes! |
[03 Sep 2008|11:09pm] |
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Sex on the Phone ♪ E-Rotic |
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So, classes are pretty sweet, I'm excited. I think I have some awesome professors! YAY! Here's my schedule:
Monday
10:30 - 11:20→ Academic Writing I
11:30 - 12:20→ Intro to Computer Science
12:30 - 1:20→ Intro to Psychology
2:30 - 3:45→ Human Sex and Reproduction
Tuesday
6:30 - 9:00→ Connections (first year course, pretty flexible hours, in the evening)
Wednesday
10:30 - 11:20→ Academic Writing I
11:30 - 12:20→ Intro to Computer Science
12:30 - 1:20→ Intro to Psychology
Thursday
1:30 - 4:30→ Psychology lab
Friday
10:30 - 11:20→ Academic Writing I
11:30 - 12:20→ Intro to Computer Science
12:30 - 1:20→ Intro to Psychology
2:30 - 3:45→ Human Sex and Reproduction
Academic writing is pretty fucking awesome, the teacher seems really cool! I like her :] She's like "oh yeah, call me by my first name if you want, just pronounce it right, okay?"
Computer Science is 25 students: 20 guys and 5 girls. Goucher is 65% female. Oh, comp sci, that's where all the guys on campus hide XD It's JAVA though, which is what I took last year, so it'll be pretty easy. It seems like a more fun incarnation of it, though.
Psychology is a giant lecture :O I've never had a class of more than 20 students in my entire life...and the lecture is more than 50! It's really insane. I'm real excited though, it seems like such an interesting subject...it may end up being my major if I really like it :]
My lab is actually canceled tomorrow, so I literally have no classes :D My roommate and I are meeting up for lunch after her class, but that's all :D Oh, and then there's an LGBT meeting from 4:30 to 6:00 that I'm going to as well.
Anyway. I've been making friends. Randi (roommate) is definitely a perfect roommate. I'm not even kidding, it is perfect. We get along so well and have enough similarities and differences to make it perfect :D SERIOUSLY. So happy about that!!!! I was ultra concerned. We both are like, half social, half not, too, it's great :D AND she has a boyfriend back home, so she understands that I have to talk to Patti a lot. It's wonderful.
Maddie = a pretty amazing friend as well. She's like...ultra awesome vegan protester etc from DC, which is super interesting. She's teaching us how to make our own pads :O It's very interesting and spiff. I am much amused by all of it. Also she practically lives in my dorm room, because she lives down the hall but has a crappy roommate.
MORE ABOUT TODAY NOW! After psych, Cait (met her a few days ago) and I went to Pearlstone Cafe for lunch. Goucher has three eating places: Stimson, Huebeck, and Pearlstone. Stimson is basically a giant dining hall with a huge selection. Huebeck is mostly vegetarian and all completely organic. Pearlstone has a lot of prepared stuff and basic stables of food. I had chicken tenders and fries and then bought sushi to put in the minifidge for later.
After that, Randi and I went out to get sticky tack from Micheal's...and ended up buying those fuzzy posters that you color in. KICK ASS, man. Mine has kitties and flowers on it, hers is a complex celtic knot. Also, I bought a wooden stegosaurus to color in. We also went to Best Buy so we could get a TV cable and I needed a bag for my laptop.
Then tonight was the opening parade and festivities, which was pretty awesome. I put up pictures on my facebook, as always, which makes it really convenient (for me at least). I had to leave early because we had to sit in the grass...and I am allergic to grass D: I had to go back to my room and get anti-itch cream. I lolled around for a bit too.
Oh man, so Maddie came back to the room with us and we hung out. We talked to people in the hall for awhile and ended up leaving our door open all evening. It inspired a lot of people to come in, which was cool :D So, Maddie told us about some of the stuff she does and we colored the fuzzy posters.
Now I'm super tired and NEED to sleep, it's late D: Though it's not like I need to wake up for anything...I do have to rearrange the room though, so the TV is near the cable port in the wall D: It's a mess...I'll just work on it tomorrow while Randi is at class.
I really miss Patti, too. I don't want every single essay to be about that, but holy shit. Now everyone is on campus, so I'm seeing couples around and I just want her here with me. I love her so much and I just miss her loads all the time. It's easy not to think about it sometimes, but other times I just want to cry and just have her here to hold onto. I can't wait until October...I will see her then!!!! :D :D :D
ANYWAY!!! HOLY SHIT. SLEEP. ALSO.
GIVE ME LAYOUT SUGGESTIONS!!!
I need to change the layout on http://www.setsuntamew.net/ someday and I have no idea what to change it to...help!
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[03 Sep 2008|03:42pm] |
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first day of class is complete.
its going to be weird not having my first class until 1.
its hard because i dont want to start any projects or missions because i know ill have class later
but i keep waking at 9am immediately.
modern drama is going to be fine. its 9 people and us just reading plays out loud
and studying modern classic dramatists.
while my shakespeare class is going to be kickass.
my professor has produced movies, acted on suddenly susan with kathy griffin, dominated the royal shakespeare company, and is now directing several shakespeare films in NY using 7 acadamy award winning actors among many other amazing credits. i love him.
shoot. i have to go to work.
xoxo nicole
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| a picture for you |
[02 Sep 2008|08:53am] |
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| still busy! |
[02 Sep 2008|12:24am] |
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Classes haven't even started yet and I'm still fairly busy...any free time I have is spent talking to Patti ♥ I miss her so much, but I can take a Greyhound bus to see her for a weekend and it's under $80. I think I'll end up doing that once a month, if I can afford it.
I miss her loads, I can't even describe it really well. All summer I saw her nearly every day...I think the longest we went without seeing each other was four days? So this is going to be a MASSIVE change.
I have been making some amazing friends at college, though! Randi, my roommate, is supa spiff :D And I've met other people from my dorm and around campus that are hilarious and great so far. I don't know yet who will be my "close friends" and who will just be acquaintances, of course. But we'll see as the year goes on.
Anyway, I have to sleep and write my letter to Patti for the day ♥ I think Wednesday I should have time to update on everything that has happened so far!!!
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| zomg, COLLEGE |
[29 Aug 2008|10:28am] |
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College is amazing and wonderful and I love it here!!!!! My roommate is awesome and spiff and I have so much to say, and yet so little time D:
My dorm room is made of AWESOME, though, look at it!!! That will take you to the public facebook album :3 It's really spiff and yay. Yay!
I miss Patti so much though D: I just want to see her again...she is so wonderful and sweet to me ♥
Also, I need to buy paper so I can write her a letter! I owe her one since she's been writing to me already.
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[26 Aug 2008|12:11am] |
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i cried today.
well first i went to the beach.
played football with my family (me my dad and hannah won. go us!)
then i went into the hot tub.
hannah and i went to get coffee and run errands with camille.
and then we began rearranging my furniture (i am extremely compulsive about feeling "at home" in my house. i needed everything to feel just right. its really unfortunate im as sensitive as i am about it. but thats just me.)
i then came home and we went out to dinner and sat out on the beach while we ate. it was fun.
we then watched some 24.
none of us have ever seen it but my aunt owns every season of it,
so we thought wed try it out.
im not adjusting to change again very well.
i know this happens every year.
third time. my house. i thought this would get easier, but it doesnt.
tellings stories to camille, some she liked some she ignored,
i pictured matt and julian at dunkin and me telling them and how they would react.
i miss that already. people who understand. who laugh.
im really anal about the house. and im scared that my concern for feeling comfortable is going to come off as being bossy and demanding. im doing it because its important to me, not because i NEED control. and im worried.
the end days of my family are in near sight
and im getting scared.
i know ill survive,
i even know ill have a great time.
i have in the past.
i just, hate to walk away from things i love.
so i cried because brittany didnt like my set up of the house furniture.
what an effin baby.
i need to take a deep breath.
xoxo nicole
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| Bokeh Textures! |
[25 Aug 2008|08:54pm] |
Download @ Box.net
Comments and credit are always appreciated.
All of my textures can be found here.
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| The End of an Era |
[25 Aug 2008|07:41pm] |
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I am closing this journal and moving here ~ ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) daisypotions
I ONLY want you to add me, if you are certain that we are going to keep in touch on LJ - i know i'm not around THAT much these days - but thats why i want to keep my friends to a minimum, so that when i do come on, i have time to catch up on all your journals. I am bored of scanning through journals of people who i have no clue who they are. So i would like you to either be a longterm/special LJ friend or a regular poster Viper Room who i know well. And please only add if you update regularly. I realised today that i have SO many people on my FL that never update anymore. Thats why i thought it would be easier to start a new journal, rather than going through all my friends and seeing who is who.
PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT ON MY NEW JOURNAL TELLING ME YOUR REAL NAME AND YOUR VR NAME IF YOU POST THERE.
Also, daisypotions is the name of my new business, so i will probably be writing more about natural skincare, complementary therapies & my new spiritual path. That may not be appealing to some of you on my friends list. Im sure i will still have some updates about my boys and music though, so dont fret too much!
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| would you hose me down with holy water if i get too hot? |
[24 Aug 2008|11:17pm] |
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so my brother does an incredible "soupion" his own pokemon impression.
allie stuck her head out of the van window for majority of south carolina.
we've played scribble wars on our ipods at every cracker barrel stop thus far.
and we went to the beach for an hour before FAY came out of hibernation and rained on our parade.
all in all, its weird to be back.
rushes of past feelings here ooze back into my system.
which is good and bad in a way.
i wish i felt simplicity.
instead i feel, the stresses of being grown up.
i never want my family to leave.
xoxo nicole
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