The last televised debate (synopsis):
Cokie Roberts: Hello, and welcome. I'm Cokie Roberts. You might remember me as Sam Donaldson's dominatrix on This Week before that short, cute, Greek little man replaced us. Before we begin, I'd like to ask a question of the Democrat because that's all us media folks can talk about today. Should Kerry have apologized for his comments?

Deval Patrick: Um, I don't know if you checked the news wires, but he has. Should he have? I think I can answer that as my teenage daughters might..."Um...DUH!"

Cokie Roberts: First question: Should church folks be allowed to rally on state ground?

Kerry Healey: Shouldn't the flock (and the rest of us) get the tax break we voted for?

Grace Ross: Notice she doesn't say she's going to get it through the statehouse any better than Governor Goodhair. Speaking of which, has anyone seen him lately? He's harder to find in this state than a $500 one bedroom apartment.

Deval Patrick: I prefer the courts to decide on moral issues. After all, I'd like to have married Connie Stevens, but if they voted on that in 1961, I don't think that would have won a popular vote.

Christy Mihos: You wanted to get married to Connie Stevens when you were five years old? Personally, I think people in Massachusetts in this state are smart and they'll vote the right way, but they should be allowed to vote. If every smart person in this state votes for me, I'll be sure to crack double digits on election day.

Cokie Roberts: Next, they'll be a series of confusing one on one questions and I'll butt in when I feel like it.

Christy Mihos: Kerry, you poll at 59% negative right now, somewhere between dark chocolate and Hitler. Why don't you quit and endorse me so a real Republican...I mean...real alternative candidate to Deval Patrick can have a chance. You don't have a shot to win.

Kerry Healey: I don't have a chance to win? Isn't that a little bit of the pot calling the kettle black?

Deval Patrick: Oh, here we go again with dissing the blacks.

Cokie Roberts: Next question!

Deval Patrick: Kerry, how are you going to balance the budget?

Kerry Healey: By rolling back taxes.

Deval Patrick: How do you take away money and still spend?

Kerry Healey: It's called "economic growth".

Deval Patrick: That's MY idea!

Cokie Roberts: Actually, it was Ronald Reagan's idea. Next question!

Kerry Healey: Deval, can you name for me one court case you won?

Deval Patrick: Um, no.

Kerry Healey: A follow up: Are your pants on fire, you liar liar?

Cokie Roberts: Next!

Christy Mihos: In the last debate you said the ratio of teachers to students was 13 to 1. How do you come up with that figure?

Kerry Healey: (# kids) ÷ (# teachers) = 13.

Christy Mihos: I ask that because people asked me. I looked into it and it's more like (# kids) ÷ [(# teachers)+(# principals)+(# administrators)+(# custodians)+(# lunch ladies)]= ±13.

Cokie Roberts: Next!

Grace Ross: I'm going to ask Christy Mihos a question because the other two prefer talking to each other.

Christy Mihos: I'm going to answer that question and the audience will quickly forget both the answer and the question and the only thing that will get played on the news highlights is that statement of yours, Grace, not the question.

Cokie Roberts: I'm going to ask all the candidates what they feel the role of government is.

Grace Ross: Helping people lead good lives. Helping the riches go to all, not to few.

Kerry Healey: Safety. We can't have a better world without it.

Christy Mihos: I know what isn't! Taking money and ruining lives! I'm going off topic now! Exclamation! Blah! Blah! Blah!

Deval Patrick: Helping us helping ourselves. Shared responsibilities.

Kerry Healey: Ooo! I thought of another one! Educating kids.

Cokie Roberts: Okay. I'm going to end it there. My Tivo is broke and "Lost" is new tonight.

Deval Patrick: You three should get used to that verb, "Lost".