Asperger doubts
I'm a 19-year-old-girl. Yesterday my acquaintance, who has Asperger's syndrome, told me that I seem to have many features that are typical for an AS person. I haven't thought about that before, but today I have thought about that, and many things just seem to "click."

When I was a child, I had some special interests like reading books about medical sciences, reading about murderers, and drawing. I played with my kid sister, and I wasn't interested in getting friends. Adjusting into school was hard for me, because I was very, very shy - I didn't play with others; I liked to be alone. I just walked around the school yard and "told stories in my head", if you know what I mean. I have always lived more in my head than material world, and nowadays I can spend even many hours walking in my room and thinking about things. I think verbally, and I have endless monologues in my head, so I'm talking to myself inside my head (always with written language, for some reason), and I often realize I'm moving my mouth and hands when thinking. One thing that isn't very typical to AS people, is that I'm very expressive. I use expressions and I move my hands very much, when I'm talking to people. I don't like group situations, because they make me nervous and "spacey" - I find it really hard to concentrate what everyone is saying. I use eye contact a little, but my eyes move a lot, because keeping an eye contact is uncomfortable.

I got my first friends when I was 9 years old (and they were few years younger than me). I didn't talk to people at school, unless I was asked something - at home, I talked normally. But, I had an eccentric feature in my speech. I just didn't like letter y, so I didn't use it at all - I replaced it with u (in Finnish language, they have quite a big difference). When I was 10, I finally started to talk like other people do. Before that, I had some speech therapy. I could say that letter, I just didn't want to.

When I was in junior high, I was bullied, and I think it was because I was so shy and didn't talk much. Now I have some friends, but I still have difficulties with relationships, especially if they are romantic. I can be quite obsessive with my crushes, but I find it very hard to let people close to me, because I feel like I live in my own universe, so nobody can reach me. Rationalizing my emotions is easy to me, but experiencing and expressing them can be hard. I start to feel uncomfortable and fearful when someone "invades" my personal space. I'm not very interested in sex. I just don't enjoy it very much. An intellectual conversation is much more satisfying to me. I also don't feel like a woman - I feel more like neutral-gendered, being "something-in-between."

I also have some motor difficulties. I learnt to drive a bike when I was 9 years old, and I can't swim at all. This can be partly explained by my fear of new situations. I'm also really bad at throwing and catching a ball, and when I try to run fast, I tend to fall down, because I find it hard to move my legs so quickly.

I have been depressed for five years, and now I'm on medication. I don't know what has caused my depression, but maybe it's my social problems. I'm bad at interpretating people, because I notice even small variations of tone, expressions etc. - and take it as criticism or attack towards me. When I feel attacked, I tend to take out my frustration by self-mutilation, because I don't know what to do. If I can't understand and control my emotions and feelings, I feel like falling apart.

I have some concentration problems, but when I'm doing something I like (reading, in example), I tend to lose the track of time, and I'm completely absorbed to it. When I'm doing something that doesn't interest me, my mind wanders all the time. In group situations my mind goes "blank", because I don't know who to look at and who to listen to. People are often saying to me: "You've lost contact with world, again." It's hard for me to be still - I'm always moving my hands and feet.

What do you think? I will be thankful if you help me with this!