Ask Poly

(Xposted to polyamory)

Hi, longtime lurker, first time poster, etc etc... I have a question about a good-idea/bad-idea.

There's a guy I met through an online dating site a few weeks back (met him before, but that's immaterial) and started talking to him. His profile at the time said "single", but after talking to a mutual friend, I discovered that he was, in fact, in a relationship and monogamous. Of course, this only comes after I've thought myself into a bit of a crush on him. We get along online quite well, but I can't quite tell if there's a flirting undertone to his conversation or if he's just being really warm. I don't want to do the thing where poly people disassociate themselves from mono people because they're not on the market, but I also have no idea what he's thinking and if it's a good idea to keep talking to him/ hang out with him.

Help? thank you!

My husband and I have an almost-8 yrs old boy. We opened our relationship just 2 yrs ago after 14 years of monogamy, and decided at the time that he was too young to be concerned about adult relationship issues, so we haven't openly discussed it with him. Any extramarital relationships we've had have been couched in the language of "friendship," and sleepovers have essentially been censored from his awareness by managing our timing with his sleep schedule. Our intention has always been to come out to him when he was old enough (based on whenever he started asking questions), but he's a quiet one, our boy, a thinker and not always an asker...and there has been that part of me that craves deep honesty (as most poly people do) that has disliked the idea of hiding this aspect of ourselves from him, which it seems like we're doing.

My question is not *whether* I should, but HOW...how do I break the ice on this one? He's an intelligent kid, and I want him to know that both of us hold the support of his emotional and physical well-being as being a primary and sacred purpose in our lives...I don't want him to see our extramarital relations as taking attention away from him...OR that "keeping it secret" means we are ashamed, which we're not.

Does anyone know of a *good* poly-friendly relationship counselor in/near Seattle?

Can anyone offer any advice, or point to any websites, on how to make a polyamorous household work? I am about to move house, and I'm moving in with two of my three partners. We're a quad, three girls and a (very lucky LOL!) guy.

I am organising a festival for Alternative Parents and Parenting to be held in Melbourne, Australia. Time and Venue yet to be determined. For more information go to http://applefestival.makeforum.org and please leave your input.

Thank you
Louise

I'm not in a relationship right now, but I'm curious. What advice can you give me about dating a poly couple? Just so I know.

The Florida Poly Retreat (FPR) is a regional level polyamory retreat/conference started in 2003 organized by the polyamory communities of Florida.   This year, FPR will be held on March 27-30. 

Hey everyone. My triad is in a rocky place and we would like to find a poly-friendly therapist or counselor in or around Houston, TX. Does anybody know of one or know of resources that could help me find one? Thanks!

(this is posted in a few different communities)

Hi all,

I'm new to the comm. and also very new to poly.  Hell, I don't even know if I am poly actually.  Back in June, I met someone.  When "J" and I first met, he had just been asked for a divorce.  J and his wife "M" are poly and he had actually just gotten broken up with by his girlfriend.  We initially started talking and becoming friends because we were both broken hearted (my relationship of 8 yrs. had ended not a month before) and needed a friend.   J explained to me the dynamics of his relationship.  At one point he and M had shared girlfriends, but now they had separate relationships outside of the marriage.  Anyways, we started talking on June 30th online and have literally talked for hours since.  I am in love with him and him me.  We "met" about a month ago and it was absolutely amazing.  So, what's the issue right?  

I have never been in a poly relationship and I don't know if I a poly or not honestly.  J and I have begun talking semi-seriously about being together monogamously.  He isn't ready just yet, but he feels it is moving that way.  He's told M that he loves me, and I know from her lj and his comments about her, that she does NOT like me in any way.  In the last few wks since we saw one another he has been talking about getting me down there.  He is also talking a lot more long term, like will our cats get along, do we want to stay in his state, things along those lines.  He's also been hinting at asking for a divorce.  Do I trust this??  I mean, I'm not ready to move yet and he knows this.  But, do I honestly allow myself to think he is going to get divorced for me??  

Also, if he doesn't and I am willing to try being with him and being poly, what do I do with the M situation?  It is CLEAR she doesn't like me.  I have tried making conversation and have been rebuffed.  She makes snide comments about me and also makes posts to her lj which mirror my posts on another blog site.  If I decide to be his secondary, how do I deal with her?  

I don't know, I'm confused all the way around.  I do think poly relationships can work and can be fulfilling, but how do you broach situations like these without someone getting incredibly hurt??  Ugh, sorry this has been all over the board, but I need some advice.  Thanks :)

-Jill

 Hey there were alot of replies to that last entry, and it reminded me of what happened the early part of January of this year.  It really changed everything for me. 
 My husband and I (married only a year so far) were dabbling at the local swingers club and considering non-monogamy as a lifestyle. He was not as "into" it as I was. I had encouraged him to read both "The Ethical Slut" and "Polyamory, a new love without limits" and both I KNOW he just leafed through and called it reading. There was another couple that was particularly interested in a relationship with us, I really dug the guy but the girl and I were just so different, and there was a significant age gap between us. My husband and I set up 2 pretty simple rules. When it happens, no sex on our bed wihtout each other there, (symbolic?) and ABSOLUTE condom usage. 
 Needless to say, in our small one bedroom apartment, the other guy and I got the short couch, we were all fooling around and the other guy and I announced we should all move this to the bedroom. We went on there, thinking they were going to join us.....but they didn't. They ALSO didn't come into the room to get a condom. And I left our room to bring one out  to them and bring them into the bedroom....but it was too late, they were barebacking already. 
 I didn't even react. I just went back into our bedroom and started talking with the other guy about it. He said he and his wife always use condoms with other people and he didn't understand why this would happen. I didn't talk about it with everyone or tell the girl how I felt. But after they left, I broke down. 
 My husband used the excuse "Well you went into the bedroom, and that was a rule too, so we both broke a rule." Which is OBVIOUSLY NOT THE SAME . We had invited them to the bedroom. Also, I didn't want to freak out so that he wouldn't want to be open again, because I had been working so hard to get him open to the idea of this, I didn't want him thinking this was a JEALOUSY issue. How do I get closure on something like this? How can I feel satisfied with his level of sorry?
I haven't talked much more about it, because no matter what he will never feel as sorry I want him to feel. Fluid bonding is a big deal to me, and how can I ever trust that he won't get "caught up in the moment" again. Like he did the very first time we tried something like that. I really feel like our sex life hasn't been the same since. He didn't even take the responsibility to get tested afterwards. Also, afterwards, without ever telling anyone about our experience, I had heard rumours that this girl was trying to get pregnant from other people because her partner had a low sperm count. 
Anyways, NOW my husband is bringing up that he feels ready to have more partners, but I am still not over this, and I dont think we are mature enough....or that he can use his brain. 
 Sorry that I had to post my own UPS post but I didn't think this constituted as a good reply to the last, but also, had to get out some pent up rage..

Hey.  I'm looking for a sanity check.

If you're dating person A, and person A begins to date person B...

Do you naturally assume that your time, energy, etc, with person A
will decline and/or that person A will pull away from you?  Or do you
generally assume that these things will remain relatively constant,
with the understanding that if things take off between A & B that
there may well be some NRE to dissipate?

Conversely, if you are dating person A and you begin to date person C,
do you plan for or expect that your time, attention, and/or energy for
person A will necessarily decline?  Or do you tend to assume that your
relationship with A will remain more or less consistent as you begin
to add the new relationship in to your life?

Greetings from a trapazoid,

I'm really excited to have found this community, and hope it'll become more active again. I went surfing specifically to find a relationship advice type community dealing with polyrelationships.

I'm a newb, to this community, and to poly in general although I'm sort of in my third poly relationship. I want some advice from some people more experianced in extracirricular relationships than myself.

Brief backstory: I'm 24, married (for ten months now, dating for five years prior) to a wonderful male, 25 - R. Two weeks before the wedding I met D. D's male, 38, married to T, female, 40. ( Read more... )

mono-amorous and polysexual? Just curious. My BF (who is also my Master and very very very occasionally my sub) and I were talking and decided that was the best description of where we are now. Hope this isn't outside the remit of the group...

(x-posted to polyamorous, polyamory, and askpoly)

first, the intro:
melissa / 33 / pansexual / poly / living in ohio.
anything else you would like to know, feel free to ask.
:)

now, the asking for help:
i have been involved in poly relationships since 2000. some worked well, some didn't. from each experience i try to learn a little more - about myself, about others and about relationships. right now, i find myself in a very different situation than any other i've been in - i am a secondary to a man in toronto (5-6hrs away). my primary relationship is in a bit of chaos (moving, family obligations, etc) but i love her dearly and am sure we will make it through just fine.
i feel like i am unable to really get my footing in the secondary relationship. we started out casually chatting and quickly became quite interested in one another. i do truly care about him, but have never been in the secondary role or in a ldr. granted, the distance isn't unmanageable; i have a very flexible schedule and love to drive!
i guess what i could use the most help with is how to acclimate to a new position (secondary), situation (ldr), and relationship (stephen) - all at once. ::sigh:: i want to do this; i want to do it right. i just feel a bit lost and hope that there are a few folk out there who are willing to drop me a line or lend an ear (even virtually).

thank you!

[cross posted to askpoly, polysecondaries, and poly_ldr]

Hey.. New to the community, I'm a pretty open minded person but essentially monogamous (I like to have one person as the centre of my universe).. I've met a polyamorous guy, he's already involved with at least one other person.. I really dig him, pretty sure he feels the same way about me.. I was just wondering about other people's experiences with poly/mono relationships..

I am a Catholic Theology student who has decided to write a paper for my Catholic Morality class on Polyamory. I would appreciate an leads on peer-reviewed journal articles on the subject or books that cover the ethical and/or morality of polyamory.

My question is more about parenting as a poly person, rather than about poly relationships per se.  I would
like suggestions from parents in open relationships how they handled this situation.


I have a long term partner and she and I are raising a child together.  I just started dating a good friend.
My partner and my friend get along, and my partner said she's happy for us.

My friend and I want to have evening dates and spend time together on weekends.  We will also have occasional
sleepover dates when I will spend the night with my friend.  My 6 year old daughter wants both her parents to
be home with her during the evenings and will get worried if I spend the night elsewhere.  (Our little one
complains when one parent works late and is not home by the time she goes to bed.)


How could we explain to a 6 year old why I'm not sleeping at home occasionally?  We have explained to our
daughter that some people love just one person, and some love more than one, and that either can be okay as
long as people are kind and respectful to each other.  We haven't described polyamory with any more detail
than that.

Hello! I'm new to the group and wanted to say my greetings. I am a bi poly by birth, currently monogamous by choice. Been in poly relationships before, would like to be again but my b/f has differing views which I respect. I'm always interested in meeting and having intelligible dicussions with like-minded induviduals. :) Just wanted to throw my $0.02 in...

I have mentioned my polyamory project on my personal LJ a few times but instead of being able to meet with all the people who have volunteered to be interviewed, I have created an online survey. This means strangers can fill it out, too! It eases the process for me, since it will track the data anonymously, and I think it will be easier on those who wish to participate because it is anonymous and doesn't have to be done in person. I hope that my questions are useful and inoffensive. Please do not answer any that cross your boundaries, of course. Also, feel free to hand this around to anyone who is poly friendly- or not, I suppose, as their input is also valuable when painting a picture of the discrimination that polyamorous people face.

Just to make the purpose of this clear: I am going to be doing a presentation in my Culture and Identity class on 12/12 to a room full of future psychotherapists, and I am hoping that I can increase their awareness and support for the poly community in receiving services and advocacy.


Click here to take the survey. Thank you!

Note: there are 2 pages, the next button is at the bottom. the second section is really the more important one (meant for non-poly people too), but does take more time and is more personal. many thanks!

Update:
I'm noticing that many people are skipping the essay questions. is it just too much? should i try and make them multiple choice somehow? any ideas?