ooo ..i haevnt burned in a week so thats good i guess..im doin a lot better this year then last year...

 hey im new to this community..i want to be  at my goal weight soo bad..
here are my stats:
CW - 111.3
1GW - 104
2GW - 100
Lw- 104
HW - 114
im 5'4" 
 i need encouragement...today i ate way too much..its saturday and i didnt do anythin cause im sick :(

Hi all!
I've been dieting, exersizing, etc. and want to know if there are any good diet pills out there? There are so many out there and most are gimmicks... anyone try any with positive results?

I have done so good. I stopped cutting for months, and now here i am sitting at work after my boss tells me im worthless, my finace wont talk to me and i dont know why, and i am just craving it. I have razors in the supply room, and i can so easily go get it. The urge is so high but i dont want to fall again. I love my life. Why is it like this?

Hey everyone,


this post may seem a little weird but bear with me,


im a photography student at ryerson university in toronto, im in my last year (fourth) and im working on my final project. the focus of my project is girls who live with, or are recovering from, or who have had an eating disorder. this project is very personal to me as i lived with depression and an eating disorder for five years. i used to visit all of these sites and coming back to them has brought up alot of all memories of the girls i met over these sites and the support i recieved. i am not fully recovered but i am really looking into the pressures and feelings that go along with this and im reflecting alot on my own life and the effects of this. my photos will be only from the shoulder up, a classic headshot, because i dont want each photo to be about the body at all. my purpose is to bring awareness to this and put a face to this struggle. i also want to get rid of stereotypes i have found people have about girls who obsess with what they eat. people have very strong assumptions which i want to change.
i have the upmost respect for everyone im shooting and im looking for anyone of any age and colour. i am willing to go a distance from toronto so you dont have to come to me if youre not able or comfortable.


if any of you are willing to sit for me or talk to me about this you have no idea what that would mean to me,


please visit my site at www.kajatirrul.com just to see that im legitimate.


feel free to email me at kaja.tirrul@gmail.com if you want to talk outside of livejournal
Thanks!

I know its not healthy, but I don't care, but I do. I want it to consume my life, but I don't.
Part of me wants to be this skinny, beautiful, delicate little twig; fragile and sickly and weak; someone needed to be protected. my idea of beauty. I want to control and purge and restrict, be light and airy.
But part of me knows its stupid; I AM SKINNY; I'm 5'4'', 120 lbs. I enjoy having energy. I enjoy wrestling my 230lbs. boyfriend and winning. I don't want some stupid thing like that to consume me; i've got far more important things.
So I'm just trying to find a happy medium. Thats all.
I have a bad tendency to starve when I'm depressed, eat when I'm happy. Neither one is good; when I'm happy, I feel so good I could eat a bucket of ice cream. But when I'm depressed I starve; I make myself suffer so everyone sees my pain. So I guess in that aspect I have a depression triggered eating disorder? I dunno.
Sometimes I feel like a failure, a loser who won't do it because she can't handle it. That if she really wanted it, she'd stop being such a pig. But then I have to say to myself; "dude, you're 120 lbs."
Sometimes thats good enough for me; sometimes its not.

For like that last two days I have wanted to cut like really really bad! The feeling is bad to where is use to be where I dreams and wishes of just taking a razor and cutting all the way up my arm as deep as I can! I just really want to make a really small cut right on my wrist but I know that is I do I'll want to do more because I don't have any feeling left right there anymore. I guess that's what years of cutting does. The other thing is that if my husband founds it I'm dead! But oh my god do I want to. I thought writing about it would make it better but it seems to be making it worse. It's really bad I mean for the last two days and nights I've had dreams and day dreams of cutting all the way up my wrist as deep as I can. I don't even remember how I got back to this place. I wont eat cause I'm fat and I want to cut again. This isn't goods and I know it but I don't feel like I can stop it or I don't want to stop it. I really don't know I'm so confused!

I really don't know how to start this or what to say without feeling like I’m rambling. I want to share my feelings but feel like no one cares. I've cut since freshman year of high school. I want to cut but know if I do my husband will cut himself to prove a point to me. I don't really think he understands why I do. We had a miscarriage in July. I was 12 weeks pregnant but the baby had only been 5 weeks and stayed at 5 weeks until the doctors decide my baby would not miscarry on it own. So I had to go through a d and c. That's where they put you under and do an abortion on you pretty much. So many times waiting for them to take me back to the operation room I wanted to say I change my mind I don't want to do this. But I knew if i did I would never miscarry. My body and I still wanted to be pregnant so on July 23rd at 10:30 am I wasn't pregnant anymore even though not even an hour before that I had been. That day I wanted to cut so bad, even the week before that I did. I found out on my husbands birthday that the baby wasn’t growing. Since then I have had two miscarriage just not as far along as I was so no more d and c. I'm afraid that my husband and i will never have kids. There I go rambling again. Sorry.

I like to think that i really don't have a problem...
and that i injure myself out of boredom.
but its deeper than that.
i know it.

anyone feel the same?

god, its been so long since i posted...i needed a break. (details in my journal).

i am now at university in leeds (not at the met thank you) and am living in student halls approximately two hours travel away from "home".
after doing pretty well in my A levels i'm now in the first week or so of persuing a BSc psychology degree (ironic?).
all of my intro/freshers stuff finished yesterday after an amazing freshers ball at the student union, and i can honestly say that in some respects these last two weeks have been some of the best of my life to date:
i've moved out - this makes me happy!
i've made some incredible new friends who i get on really well with and who dont know any of the secretive bad stuff about my life...and we've had some awesome days and nights out already :]
i'm actually enjoying myself - going out more etc etc.
its a bit strange to be honest...but i love it :D

today was the first time i have had chance to weigh myself in a very very long time.
i went back home at the weekend to pick up my digital scales, and this morning i weighed myself about twenty times all throughout the flat.
the good news is that i weighed the same pretty much everywhere i placed the scales.
109lbs exactly.
i'm quite pleased with that, i thought i'd be about 120lbs, thats how i feel.
the good thing about living away from home is that i can control how much i eat more and unless there is food in my room i am very unlikely to binge. and since i make a point of not having food in my room i'm hoping things will get better - i've been on a bit of a binging cycle recently and it just disgusts me.
as well as eating less and eating healthier, i'm hopefully going to a tai chi class tomorrow night (at dinner time as well :]) and a boxercise session on friday.
i also walk EVERYWHERE now, so hopefully if i do accidentally binge i'll be able to excercise it off more adequately.
the only thing i need to find now is the swimming pool - there isnt a pool in the university gym unfortunately :[
109.
by the time i go home at christmas i want to be so skinny.
just to show everyone because they thought i was too fat and lazy to shift some pounds.
i am going to do this.

i also havent self harmed since i got here.
which is good like.
i so badly wanted to last night though. it was so hard. i know exactly where and how many i want, and what i'm going to use...but my boyfriend told me if he finds another mark on me he will do something to himself. and i know that he will. and it scares me because he doesnt really get that i need it sometimes, and i cannot be the person to make him hurt.
i have a box of stuff with me anyways.
it contains:
- 2 types of blades
- a kitchen knife
- plasters/bandages
- 2 kinds of diet pills
- caffeine pills
...and it will soon contain ipecac syrup. just in case.
(anyone have any positive experiences with ipecac?)

that was the good stuff thats happened like.
passing my exams and coming to uni, an amazing boyfriend, lovely new friends...

the problem is that i seem to have lost all of my best friends back home in the process of moving away, without quite knowing how or why.

and i dont know what to do

...we're off the damn wagon again.

not sure what to write...
there was a lot i wanted to.. but then after i started.. the comp kinda deleted it.. so yehh :(
i guess i'll start with a bit about me..
i started cutting about 2 years ago.. but then my mum and my dad and friends found out.. and yeh.. long story behind it all but i had to stop..
i still do tiny things wen im depressed..
but yeh.... thats all for now..
thanks xx

Well, I'm new here. So I guess I should introduce myself.

I've been cutting for about two years now, on and off. As strange as it might sound, it all started with a book; "Thicker than Water". I've been suffering from depression for a very long time now, and have had no outlet for my pain until after I read that book. It was the first time cutting entered my mind. Of course, I tried it and found that it did make me feel better. Now I cut when I'm angry or sad, which is often on a daily basis. I don't do it everyday, just maybe a few times a week. Nobody I know is aware of this, and I'd like to keep it that way. As far as anorexia goes...I don't really consider myself to be so. I've only just started not eating for almost a week now. Food just grows increasingly gross to me as the days go on. I feel fat. It disgusts me. I came to this community to find people I can relate to and possibly share my stories with. Noone around me seems to understand how I feel.

New plea.

Dear all,

Firstly, I would like to thank you all for the fantastic support you have offered after my last post asking for photographic models. I received messages from people offering support, willing to have their photo taken or those wishing to fill in a questionnaire. I couldn’t have expected a better response and I hope I come across as genuine when I explain how grateful I am. That gratitude is also extended to all the moderators who kindly left my posts up for people to read. Thank you.
Your support on my last project has inspired me to push my creativity further and extend the self-harm project that I began over two years ago.
This time I am hoping other people might be willing to get involved as I am opening the 'requirements' up to include many more heath issues.
Although I have not yet written my Artist statement, I am hoping to make the most of my 4/5-month holiday by getting a head start on next term’s project.
The project I worked on for my first year of my BA(Hons) Photography, at Anglia Ruskin University, was surrounding the subject Self Injury/Harm. My initial plan was to put together a book of shots of young men and women who use self-harm. I had always planned to put these, headless, images in a book. However after much deliberation I decided to hand in a miniature version of the images, kept in a box for presentation and to save the book idea for my second year.
I now have another 8 or 9 months to put together a comprehensive collection of images that not only cover the issue of self harm, but also bring in other issues that may trigger self harm or are produced as a secondary to self harm (although I realize this is very different for everyone). I intend to create images that contain men and women, of all ages, colour or sexuality, who have had or who currently are experiencing issues with, self harm, anorexia/bulimia/EDNOS, depression, binge eating, disassociation, sexual abuse/rape survivors, participation in S&M, transgender/ transexuality, scaring from incidence etc. Essentially I am hoping to capture many aspects of mental health with a specific look at how mental health affects you physically and how you feel about your body.
As part of this work, I would like to follow 3 or 4 people through treatment. This could be in-patient or out patient, mental health related treatment or physical health. For ease, it would be great if the participating people lived near Cambridge or around the south of the country, however, I would be willing to travel if needed.
The idea of lots of people modeling once, representing their own lives and stories, means I can share very small insights into a mind set or situations. However, by having the chance to follow 3 or 4 (or more if possible) people through one part of their lives, documenting the details of their stories, I have the opportunity to show people a much deeper look into life with impairments.
I hope that the work is tasteful, that it never glorifies SI or any other issues that may be raised, yet at the same time offer people who don’t understand a chance to see how it affects people. That is where your help comes in!
I may be able to explain my own relationship with self-harm and mental/physical health, I may even be able to give statistics, but unless many people get to share their stories.. We can’t expect people to just get it.
Just like last time, I am looking for people from anywhere in the UK, 
any age (as long as your over 16 with parental consent or over 18), and either sex. I would be willing to help out with travel costs to my home and you would be more than welcome to stay at my house with a friend of yours.
This time the compassion of the images will be slightly different, but you will always have the last word on what you are happy to do.
The models I have used so far are my close friends, people who I love and would always want to protect, as well as the wonderful people who nominated them selves. I would never exploit anyone and I will include text in the book that describes just how grateful I am for the models co-operation. All models will need to sign a model release form.
I am telling you all about the book and my hopes for the future as I would like to ask if anyone would want to take part? I want to show all aspects of self-harm and mental health issues, not just scars or tears or meds. There is so much more to it. The smiles you have to put on for those around you, the depression you feel, the guilt, the eating distress, the arguments with loved ones, I want to try and communicate that too.
I am hoping to get moving as soon as possible, so if you have some free time over the summer and fancy a trip to Cambridge, please e-mail and we can work something out!
Feel free to contact me, Indigo.Clouds.Imagery[@]Gmail[.]com

I think I get more upset at being lectured by internet friends because I don't have a safety net with them. When Cassie (my best friend, I'd be lost without her) is disappointed with me, I know that she's upset/sad for me because she cares about me (not because it's the way she's supposed to react), and that even if she's disappointed, she still loves me.

DavidJM (an internet friend, we're v. close) and I talked tonight for a while (45-60 minutes) about me. I was fine with the me and drugs talk because we were sort of working together then, trying to hash out my problem and fix it. But then we moved into talking about why, and my opinion is that at least DEFINITELY with cigarettes, it's just an adaptation on my self injury. And so we started talking about me and cutting, which as you well know, I still have no earthly clue why I do it. I hate talking about my cutting with people who don't... get it. Which sounds stupid and childish, but you get it. You can understand on some level why I do it, how it helps. Fatty (another internet friend, but of three years and like a brother to me) never got it. David doesn't get it. Maybe it has to do with boys' minds versus girls' minds. Whatever the reason is, conversations and lectures always tend to reach a dead end once we hit Cutting. The other person gets frustrated and then I'm left with a huge desire to cut and to cry. Neither of which, obviously, are desirable (at least not after a discussion like that).

Really: I wish I knew why I did it, I wish I could blame it on self esteem, or boredom, or whatever. But it's like picking up a book, I don't mindfully think, "Hm, I'd like to cut myself!" It just sort of happens. I don't mindfully think, "Let's read a book, shall we??" I just pick up whatever is lying around and start reading. And then it gets to the point where I'm locked into the reading and the story, and cutting is like that too. How many can I make before it hurts? And at some level, I'm fascinated. I can actually -do- that to myself! I have no compunctions about carving into my own -flesh-. Seeing my own blood dribble out of its veins does not make me squirm or grimace. How twisted is that? I can do that. It's interesting, it's sick. And I mentioned to David, sometimes I get angry at the scars, and I don't think they're lovely, and I don't think they're ever going to heal over, and those are the times I have a cigarette instead. For a long long time (and still, usually), I didn't smoke around other people. Lighting up a cig was private, a solitary self destruction, it was indecent. I don't want other people looking in on that, you know? Even now, I'll smoke after I blaze to mellow out, or I'll have a cigarette while I'm out with Anne, but I don't like to smoke with other people. Social smoking has no appeal for me.

He said he had two qualms with me, and drugs was only the first. I asked him to disclose the other issue, but he refused, saying it was for another night. After we left our private channel and went back to another, we had this dialogue.

"David, please try not to be too disappointed in me," beseeched Kat, who was suddenly very sad and trying to brush it off.
"We'll talk about me being disappointed in you later, that's a talk for another night," murmured DavidJM with an aire mixed of disdain and authority.
"I didn't need any elaboration, it was just a request," explained the girl, only wanting to hear she was still loved.
"Well, I mean, you know I love you all the same," quoth David quickly. Kat looked forlornly at her hands, poised at the keyboard, looking for something to say. It was certain that she didn't feel like he loved her at all, not right then.

And really, we talked about that. He told me that he really did care, and that I wasn't just hurting myself, but people around me. I asked if that was actually true (it's a fact I have trouble believing, unclear as to why). He said, "well yeah. Why else would I talk like this to you? You think I enjoy lecturing? And giving these kind of talks?" And frankly, yeah, I do. I feel like people find it their duty as a friend, as a brotherly (sisterly?) figure, as a straight edge person, to lecture their friends who stray the path a little. And DavidJM didn't lecture as much as some people do, but I can't stow the feeling that people like him have talks like these because they like fixing people, not because they necessarily want me fixed.



Sorry it was sort of long, let me know if I need to lj cut this.

This will be triggering, I think. I often take pictures of my "big" cutting-experiences. Times when my cuts have been particularly heartfelt or most apparent or most bloody. And I wanted to show them somewhere. So here.


( TRIGGERING )

I deleted a lot of them. But yeah. There.