Jenny ([info]tea_me) wrote in [info]asexuality,
@ 2008-04-26 22:21:00
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Hello all, I've been wondering about the difficulties of "coming out" as an asexual. I notice many people in this community are out, so I was wondering how you guys have gone about telling people? It's not really a topic that comes up in conversation much!
What about those of you who haven't told others?
Personally, I'm still in the closet but that's ok because I really don't feel that my sexuality (or lack thereof) defines me as a person and so I don't feel the need to tell people. How about everyone else?
I'm interested to know the experiences of other people!

Also: Does anyone else keep misreading aromantic as aromatic, or is that just me?

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[info]tacster002
2008-04-26 10:01 pm UTC (link)
I don't really feel like I need to come out, at all. if people ask me about romance or sex I just say it's not my thing, I'm not interested, etc. I've never used the term "asexual," though, but I believe I get my point across just the same.

but then again, I've luckily never met anyone who doesn't believe asexuals are possible, so I feel really comfortable with telling others by default. it could be different for other people. :c

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[info]minuh
2008-04-27 03:52 am UTC (link)
I've luckily never met anyone who doesn't believe asexuals are possible

Lucky you!

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[info]paulabm
2008-04-26 10:10 pm UTC (link)
Hi!! mmmm I'm in/out cause I just realized my feelings were shared by others and had a name. :) I have told some people (like 3) but... they don't believe me and they don't get it. It's frustrating. A lot of education is needed everywhere, don't you think?
Nice to "meet" you. :D

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[info]tea_me
2008-04-27 08:32 am UTC (link)
Hello!
I think more education about asexuality would definitely be good! I'm a romantic asexual and with my boyfriends I've found that my lack of sexual desire has always lead to frustration and feelings of inadequacy for everyone (especially me). It would have been nice to have known back then that I didn't have some terrible dysfunction and most importantly I'm not alone.

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[info]morningtraffic
2008-04-26 10:39 pm UTC (link)
I'm not out as such, but I'm not too comfortable with the term for myself just yet; I'm not entirely convinced that it's suitable for me and I'm open to the idea that one person could change everything. I find that once you have labelled yourself it's hard to readjust it, and I'd rather just not have to address the issue because I have enough of a hard time figuring it out for myself.

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[info]tea_me
2008-04-27 08:26 am UTC (link)
totally! Coming out and then changing your mind must be so embarrassing. Like [info]odetta_to_detta talked about a few posts back, I would really hate to be in that position :(

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[info]metonyms
2008-04-27 06:08 pm UTC (link)
Ze never came out and then 'changed their mind', and still feel comfortable with the asexual label.

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[info]mullenkamp
2008-04-26 11:24 pm UTC (link)
If it comes up, I state it without fanfare, because I'm just naturally a blunt sort of person and don't really have any shame. (Heck, I'm a cosplayer and I write fanfic - obviously I don't have shame. :D)

Sometimes people don't believe me and think I'm covering for being gay. Which is absurd, because if it comes up, I will also openly mention my girlfriend of nearly four years. I don't really care what people think of me, and it serves me well in life. ;)

I don't really go out of my way to say either one, though. It's more likely to come out in ways that are like... well, last week, one of my coworkers was talking about women who keep their money in their bra, and supposed it was because "Women would reaaaaally notice if someone touched them there!" and I was like "Eh, same to me as someone touching my arm, since I'm asexual - I've totally not noticed before... I dunno if it's different for women who aren't asexual." And he just sort of shrugged and went "...Yeah, I think that's not normal." Which it isn't, so I'm cool with that.

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[info]bowezy
2008-04-27 06:22 am UTC (link)
"Sometimes people don't believe me and think I'm covering for being gay."


God, I heard that! I ALWAYS get that.
"Oh, you don't have a boyfriend? Well, honey you're not ugly!....Are you gay?"

><

I've had people who've been fascinated by my saying I'm asexual, people be amused, people be cruel, people be vaguely interested-but almost no one has ever believed me.

It's very annoying. They treat asexuality like it's not possible. Like they cannot fathom why I would be this way. Plus, I'm young, and people just kind of smile like they know something I don't when I tell them that.
Like, "oh, she'll be jumping into bed with someone in no time"

and my parents always say, "yeah I never wanted to get married either, hahaha."

To all of them, I say, "Oh ye of such little faith."

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[info]dream_ghost
2008-04-26 11:31 pm UTC (link)
"I really don't feel that my sexuality (or lack thereof) defines me as a person and so I don't feel the need to tell people."

That's how I feel. I never have actually "come out" about it. I guess I just don't see it as a big deal. (Although I think if I was dating a guy and our relationship might become more serious then I would be honest with him so he knows). And who knows! Maybe he would be asexual too! ;)

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[info]tea_me
2008-04-27 08:18 am UTC (link)
Yeah, I found out about asexuality mid way through my current relationship. My boyfriend knows I'm not really into sex or being naked but I haven't yet told him, "hey I'm asexual". I don't think it would really make much difference to him, but thankfully he has a very low sex drive.

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[info]neongryphon
2008-04-26 11:32 pm UTC (link)
I've not had to tell people I'm asexual without being promted. So many people have asked me the strangest questions as to why I'm single. One even asked if I'd been raped and mistrusted men! But when I explained I just had no drive for it, the response was just as shocked. Whatever way you tell people, many either don't "get it" or think you'll "come around." So don't get upset if responses IRL are not positive, or you just get a blank stare.

But it's easy to shrug off any questions with a simple 'I'm just not interested in sex.' I don't think it's odd, but then we are 1% of the population or something.

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[info]mysticmysterya
2008-04-26 11:40 pm UTC (link)
It's not really a topic that comes up in conversation much!

Uh, I don't know what kind of people you talk to, but with the people I talk to? Yes it does, VERY often. I don't mean asexuality, but sex and "oh, he's hot" etc. I just use that opportunity to say I don't understand, because I'm asexual. I think it's important to educate people about it, so I'm out. Usually after they find out they will come ask me questions about it.

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[info]jukebox_hero
2008-04-26 11:52 pm UTC (link)
I've never felt any need to "come out" to anyone. If it comes up in conversation, I'll say that I'm asexual, and that's that. Fortunately, the people I talk to are pretty open-minded and aren't all "YOU JUST HAVEN'T MET THE RIGHT _____!" If they argue with me (trying to convince me that asexuality doesn't exist or I'm in denial or something...it's different if they just don't understand it and honestly want to know more), they're idiots that aren't worth my time.

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[info]shecanread
2008-04-26 11:56 pm UTC (link)
I haven't 'come out' either, and I agree with your sentiment that it simply doesn't define me. If friends asked me specifically why I'm single or similar, I guess I'd try to explain myself (though I kinda dread that scenario because I suspect the first reaction to be incomprehesion and so on), but for some reason it hasn't happened yet... but as long as they don't care, why should I?

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[info]bailzzararco
2008-04-27 01:27 am UTC (link)
Lucky for me it hasn't come up, so I haven't needed to make the official announcement to live people. On line, yes, I have made the statement and I have met with both hostility and disbelief. Seriously, I've had people say some really nasty things when I said I was asexual. But it was mostly about, "no, there is no such thing, you want sex but won't admit it."

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[info]queerunity
2008-04-27 02:05 am UTC (link)
hey i have only mentioned i might be asexual because im not certain. but everyone i tell is like "oh you arent asexual" which might be true but they shouldnt dismiss it so easily.

http://www.queersunited.blogspot.com

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[info]eralkfang
2008-04-27 02:07 am UTC (link)
I only tell people when it's relevant, really- when I'm asked or my asexuality affects the situation at hand. I do enjoy spouting out "YOU CRAZY SEXUAL PEOPLE" at my friends when they're being particularly lust-driven. I did "come out" to my parents, but in relevant situations- when my mother expressed distaste that I didn't notice the "cute" waiter (Hungry asexuals have different priorities!), I told her. When my parents expressed concern that if I attended an all-girls college, I would immediately be seduced by lesbians (...they're like that), that's when I told my father. Who promptly stared me down and told me that "People change." Ugh.

But everyone else who knows? Is fine with it. I have not told my extended family, however- since they, like my parents, may be invested in me having children (I was childfree long before I discovered I was asexual), and may have similar reactions. Sigh.

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[info]seri_scribble
2008-04-27 02:33 am UTC (link)
I'm out and it's amazing. The average reaction of the people I've told is a head tilt and a thoughtful "Huh. That's really cool. And totally you". And what's really awesome is that no one that's known me for more than 5 minutes has not believed me when I told them, they just see it as finally understanding the vibe I give off that sexuals find hard to place.

Being out means my friends don't judge me by their rules since they don't apply to me. I'm not "single", they don't try and find me a partner, they don't ask me who I think is hot. It's great!

And honestly, having an army of friends ready to run interference on any developing sexual situations is fantastic. I highly recommend it. :)

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[info]baranohanayome
2008-04-27 03:55 am UTC (link)
For me, "coming out" as asexual wasn't such a big deal. If someone asked about my relationship status, or if I were asked out, I'd tell them honestly that I was asexual--no muss, no fuss. There's the annoying fact that some people just don't get it (one bitch, who I'm not really a fan of anyway, flat-out called me a liar), but they either just say "That's really weird," or clam up. My close friends and immediate family--you know, the only people who really matter--accept and support my orientation.

The thing is, I'm not even sure why being "out" as an "A" would be anywhere near the problem it is for people who are homosexual or bisexual. Sure, we fall outside of the heteronormative sphere, but at least someone who comes out as "A" doesn't have to worry about getting assaulted or killed the way other sexual minorities do. =/ Although...now that I think about it, I can see the problem arising if such a person was homo- or panromantic. Trying to explain to a potentially dangerous bigot that you love, but aren't having sex with your same-sex S.O. would probably be an exercise in futility.

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[info]virginangelic
2008-04-27 06:53 am UTC (link)
For me, I'm sorta out. When people do ask, then I'd tell them. I came out when I was about 16 to some friends and let's just say some were a tad mean - it was expected, considering it's high school we're talking about like the amoeba jokes.

I came out to one of my sexuality ed teacher during a conversation and she said I was just going through a phase. I came out to my parents who until today refuse to accept it.

Now, I kinda stopped telling people because as I grew up, I realised that my sexuality did not define who I am. Although it does perturb me slightly when people think I'm gay (including a couple of my close friends). At times, I do question my sexuality but at this point in time, I do know that I don't want to have sex.

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[info]goddessofchaos
2008-04-27 10:39 am UTC (link)
I only realised that I was asexual myself about a year and a half ago, so obviously I didn't "come out" before then... I first talked about it here on LJ and all my online friends were totally cool with it. I then dropped it into conversation with my parents - I was talking about a friend online and said "She's asexual, same as me". They didn't bat an eyelid - it was only a new word for something they were already well aware of.

Other than that, I don't use the word asexual to other people I know - I just say I'm happily single. Most of my friends and co-workers are older than me, married or in relationships and not the type to sit around talking about sex and dating, so it doesn't really come up. I know some of them do find it odd that I have no interest in dating, but I've known most of them so long that they're just used to the idea and it doesn't really come up any more. With single friends I just say I prefer being single and no-one has made a big deal about it. If I was asked directly about my attitudes to sex, I would quite happily explain. I'm already unusual in a variety of ways and people have got used to it! I don't think it would be a big issue.

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[info]postingwhore
2008-04-27 09:21 pm UTC (link)
I'm out in the sense that I freely tell people if the topic comes up, but I don't really think my asexuality defines me at all. It's just another part of me, and a small part at that. :)

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[info]amethystium
2008-04-27 09:46 pm UTC (link)
I came out to my my mother, because she was convinced I was a closet lesbian. She wouldn't want to believe me for a while, too.

And I tried to talk to my friends about it, but they didn't want to know, for some reason. *shrug*

But usually, I don't see a necessity for letting somebody else than very, very close friends knowing that... I mean, my personal life and relationsips are obsiously nobody's business but mine. :)

EDIT: Oh, and icon love! ❤

Edited at 2008-04-27 09:47 pm UTC

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[info]love_pirate
2008-04-28 02:58 am UTC (link)
I started a blog about asexuality (http://theonepercentclub.blogspot.com) and sent the link around; that worked for most people. Seriously, the internet's here, use it to your advantage! There's no need to sit people down for "the talk" anymore :-)

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[info]purplethings
2008-05-08 11:29 am UTC (link)
hehe, onepercentclub. That's cute :D

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[info]nelotizapu
2008-04-30 12:43 am UTC (link)
"Also: Does anyone else keep misreading aromantic as aromatic, or is that just me?"

Actually, I keep reading "aromatic" as "aromantic". It's oddly appropriate, as I am aromantic and I have a very weak sense of smell...

And I learned the word aromantic before I learned the word aromatic. Actually, thanks for mentioning that, I just looked it up (I see aromatic coming up several times but not when I'm around dictionary). Hmm, so it's somethign WITH a aroma... I actually assumed it was the opposite. XD

And I don't really come out to people, and if I do it's not with the word asexual. It's just easier that way. Ever since I became confotable with the idea of my own asexuality, sexuality in general just... isn't a big deal anymore.

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