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[18 Jul 2009|11:20pm] |
so ive just been looking around on here. and after reading some of your stories, i now feel not so weird about this whole thing. i thought their was something wrong with me. All my life i have never had any interest in having sex, and i thought that was because i wasn't ready or found the right person.
My question to whoever reads this, have you told people about being asexual and have people laughed at you when you tld them?
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| Oh, look, another rant |
[14 Jul 2009|08:30pm] |
I know there's a lot of these on here but I just need to get this out somewhere people will understand what I'm saying.
( backstory, you can skip it if you want )...He uttered this: "I think if I lost my penis I would just kill myself, because I wouldn't have anything to live for anymore."
I was shocked and disgusted to hear him say this. I can't believe a person can feel this way. How can it be that if you can't stick your penis into something, you have nothing to live for? What kind of existance is that? Why even be alive in the first place, if that's all you live for? I can't even fathom it. I tried to think about it in other ways, like what if I couldn't walk, or see, or hear, and still I couldn't imagine that any of these ailments would cause me to view life as meaningless.
And now, I feel utterly disgusted with myself for ever sleeping with him. I feel used and lied to. I feel as though everytime he said he loved me, what he was really saying is "I love having sex with you," which is not the same at all. I still have to stay with him until the 20th, too, and I don't know how I'm going to do this. Am I overreacting? I don't know, but I can't help feeling this way, and I can't help but be even more put off by men than I was before, which I don't like, because I assume not all men are sex-crazed and I don't want to close myself off from future potential friendships just because someone happens to have a penis.
I just needed to get this out. If you read it, thank you.
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| Curiosity Post: Fascination with Sexual Culture |
[14 Jul 2009|05:29am] |
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I've been a member here for a while and have commented on several posts, but I finally have a burning question that has prompted me to actually post. One thing I love about the community here is that most everyone is willing to share their experiences and perspectives, so I'd love to hear your take on this.
I've noticed in other people's posts that many of you dislike sexual things not directly pertaining to you: sex in books and movies, conversations about sex among friends, sex jokes, and so on. I identify as biromantic asexual, but my own perception of sex in the world around me is just the opposite: I find it fascinating.
I have zero interest in personally having sex. None. But sex itself, and the effects of sex on society, are very interesting. Fetishes, philias, sexual humor, the tendency of people to either exaggerate or underplay their personal sexual experience, sex work, pornography, erotica... I view all of it with a detached, but still keen, fascination. I actually collect sex accessories and fetish erotica, and before the Great Hard Drive Crash of '08, I had an extensive collection of pornography, though it is worthy of note that hardly any of it was what one would consider "standard" porn. All of it had something specific about it that intrigued me, an interesting or artistic style of presentation, for instance, or an unusual fetish.
I'm sure that on some level it just seems like I'm repressed, but I trust the people here to understand that my interest is entirely scholarly. Once I am added to the equation, thoughts of such things turn from fascinating to repulsive in my mind. It's an interest that is reserved for observation.
What I'm curious about is to what degree you all have academic interest in sex. I strongly doubt that I'm completely alone in collecting elements of sexual culture as others collect things representing Spanish or Hindu or popular culture. At what point, for those of you who do have an intellectual draw to sexual topics, do they become uncomfortable or disturbing?
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| "Love without sex? LOLWUT?!" |
[14 Jul 2009|03:02am] |
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Hey, long time lurker here. While I'm kind of saddened that my first post here isn't exactly a happy one-- right now, I just really need to vent to people I know will understand. Maybe I'll post a coherent ntroduction later.
The thing is, generally I'm pretty cool with people asking me about my asexuality. I have no problem explaining it to people or answering their questions, because I can understand their curiousity. I'm even pretty cool with those people - you know the sort: the ones that act like they know you better than you know yourself, or the ones with the whole "I've never heard of it, therefore it can't possibly exist!" attitude - because I like to feel - however idealistic and ridiculously optimistic it may be - that in talking calmly and maturely about it with them, maybe it'll help them understand a little more. There's a lot of misconceptions and negativity out there without me adding to the problem by being defensive or argumentative, after all. But I digress.
Today a guy IM'd me through OkCupid, which is a site I signed up to for the tests it has, and also as a social networking site to make friends. However, since the site is primarily for dating, I added some extra clarification in my profile, in which I stated that I wasn't there looking for a relationship, a little about asexuality, and also-- since the typical selection limitations of websites like these forced me into picking 'bisexual'-- I explained a bit about being biromantic, just so that I couldn't be accused of lying or 'wasting anyone's time', or whatever.
Now, I've had my fair share of inquisitive people in my time on that site, from the genuinely curious all the way upto the ignorant asswipes, but I can safely say I've never had anybody like this guy before. His argument wasn't focused on my asexuality so much as it was my romantic attraction, and if love can truly exist without sex. He seemed to be suggesting that for romantic, emotional attraction to exist, there must be at least some element of sexuality in it, otherwise it would be no different to the kind of relationship I'd have with my friends or my mother. Which, as you can imagine, I took serious issue with. I actually surprised myself with how much this wound me up.
( a snippet of the conversation.. )
...At which point I had to stop talking to him, because smoke was about to pour out of my ears. I think the thing that annoys me most is that - unlike all the others who said I must feel something I didn't - he was telling me I don't feel something I know I do, if that makes sense. Urgh. Just, please someone, cheer me up a little? This is getting me down way more than it has any right to. :(
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[11 Jul 2009|09:00pm] |
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japandroids - "young hearts spark fire" |
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I have read entries in this community for a long time, so I figured it is about time that I post one.
Hi. My name is Amber. I am a nineteen year old English major. I realised I was asexual at about fifteen, but perhaps we should go a little further back than that.
( Come with us now on a journey through time and space. )
I know that intro posts are generally boring, so I tried not too make it too long. I just feel like I should say a hello before I dive headfirst into the community.
So, hello. :)
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| Ace-friendly petition |
[09 Jul 2009|12:49am] |
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Hey guys,
Some of you may have seen my "Letters to an Asexual" video series on YouTube. In three of the four so far, I've featured letters sent through OKCupid, which is primarily a dating site. Due to their failure to offer an "asexual" (or even "none of the above") option, I'm listed as bisexual on the site. In my most recent installment, Letters to an Asexual #4, some moron nailed me for choosing "bisexual" because he insisted heterosexual is the default, and if I'm not gay in any way, I should just put "hetero." (Back when it happened, I complained to you people about it in this post. You might remember.)
Anyway, I'm sure you can imagine I had a problem with that, but that's beside the point (though I invite you to check out the video if you haven't already!). The main point of this post is that if OKCupid (and other social networking sites like MySpace and Facebook) DID acknowledge our existence by letting us have a drop-down box choice, I wouldn't get in this kind of pickle. Furthermore, a big part of being accepted and spreading awareness about our orientation is getting our existence acknowledged by the bigwigs.
Apparently, pansexuals have the same issue we do. Yesterday, someone I didn't know came across my YouTube videos and sent me a message asking me to sign his online petition, and the purpose of the petition was to get social networking sites to add "asexual" and "pansexual" as choices. The original petition link he sent me had a few errors and some muddy language, though, so I helped him rewrite it, and now the new version of it is available. I promised him I'd pass the petition on to my networks, and perhaps it will be one little thing we can do to help in the march toward widespread understanding of our legitimacy. I don't know how well online petitions work, but it's always worth a shot. (This site does not display e-mail addresses, so they can't be harvested.)
Here's the link:
http://www.petitiononline.com/asm55579/petition.html
Please pass it on to non-members who support our cause as well.
ETA: Could someone who is active in the AVEN forums possibly throw this somewhere visible over there too? If you think it's a good idea? Thanks.
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| Is this what they call a podcast? (Now with 100% more transcription!) |
[08 Jul 2009|03:39am] |
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I pay for 20 voice posts a month so damn it, I'm going to make them!
That was sort of what was on my mind when I started rambling about asexuality into my phone tonight, and these are the end results: 3 5 podcast-y voice posts, rambling on about asexuality, the definition thereof, my own expansion on that, grey-A's/demisexuals, and why we talk about these things in public.
Episode 1:
( 1.1: In which I define asexuality and discuss the various types thereof. )
( 1.2: In which I defend discussing my orientation with complete strangers. )
( 1.3: In which I discuss the importance of having a group to identify with. )
( 1.4: In which I discuss how sexuals view sex, need-for-sex vs. need-for-no-sex, and 'How do you know if you've never tried it?' )
( 1.5: In which I finish up and offer some advice to sexual partners of asexuals. )
Despite it cutting off at the end, I really am done speaking in this one.
So . . . want me to keep posting these?
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| Intro post |
[06 Jul 2009|10:15am] |
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I'm Kassi, 28, and I feel I need support for my asexuality. I'm surrounded by polyamorous friends whom I love and don't judge for their sexuality, but have been judged most severely for my lack of love life. They are all so casually hypersexual that to them not wanting sex means there's something wrong with me.
Backstory: when I was 19 I had become fed up with dating. I expressed as straight but didn't feel much attraction for any but maybe one or two guys. Guys I dated, once they found out I wouldn't put out, dropped me pretty fast. I suppose I would have been more hurt if I'd actually been attracted to any of them. I did leave that dating scene with the notion that the only thing of worth about me is between my legs.
Later that year I fell in reciprocated love and married. I had no end of love and attraction with my husband and thought that I wasn't asexual after all. When I was 25 he died. Since then it's just as it was before I met him -- I don't want sex, I'm not attracted to any men and when men express interest in me it's clear all they want is sex. Only now it's harder, because most of my friends are poly, almost all are sexually active and I've felt pressured to try to enter into relationships and have sex on general principle when I really, really don't want to. My saying, "I don't want to," isn't enough for them to lay off.
I even gave in a couple of years ago and dated and had sex with someone to whom I was not attracted. I felt dirty and miserable, especially when my friends at the time only treated me with respect when I was dating him. It's heartbreaking. I want to find a way to tell my friends that there isn't something wrong with my love life, that I want my sexuality to be accepted and respected as no less valid than theirs.
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| =/ |
[05 Jul 2009|10:27am] |
I think I've discovered that one of the biggest reasons I can't stand the idea of sex is that I find human genitalia positively disgusting. No offense to bearers of either anatomy (I'm a girl with gross girl parts), but I guess God was going for function and form in the design of those parts. SERIOUSLY...
I was watching a huge cockroach crawl around the bathroom today and suddenly I realized something like I would never want a penis inside of my secret place for the same reason that I'd never want a cockroach crawling around inside of me. Similarly, I'd never want to stick my fingers or my tongue into a vagina for the same reason I wouldn't stick any exposed part of my body into the innards of a dissected fetal pig.
Does anyone else feel like this, or is that kind of shallow...?
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[01 Jul 2009|07:14pm] |
I wanted to share an experience that made me feel absolutely baffled by non-asexual people. (I'm not saying I have any problem with someone who's different than me, but I just don't understand them sometimes.)
It's about a story someone related to me about them having sex. Nothing graphic at all-I only put it under a cut because it's a bit rambly.
( baffled )
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| asexual literature? |
[29 Jun 2009|07:40pm] |
Random question - we know that Amelie is an asexy movie, but if you had to pick a book with an entirely asexual storyline... that's appropriate for extremely religious students. Do they exist? At a high school reading level?
Many thanks!
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| Pride Parade <3 |
[29 Jun 2009|12:58pm] |
Pride Parade!! (<--link to AVEN)
Awws, I didn't go... but if you click on the link there are more wonderful pictures!
Also, cough cough, if you are a member of the facebook group you can see cool pics like this one below! <3
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| And because borderline mood swings are fun: I love being asexual. |
[22 Jun 2009|05:32am] |
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I mean, I LOVE it. I really, really love it. I'm kinda thinking I might be demisexual (a person who is sexually attracted to someone based on {usually romantic} emotional connections), which is fine by me, but I just wanted to say that I love not sizing up everyone I meet as a potential sex partner. I love being able to talk with people, have deep and serious and sometimes shallow and asinine conversations with them, without sexuality being brought into it (on my part).
I love that I don't need, or want, another person to get me off. I love that I don't spend my time scheming of ways to get laid. I love that, at the end of another night of karaoke, I don't hop into a stranger's car and head off to fuck them. I love that I no longer let people touch me when I don't want to be touched, be it in a sexual manner or a gesture as innocent as touching my hair (but seriously, unless I know you really well, don't FUCKING touch my hair). I love not needing to tart myself up in the hopes of catching someone's eye, not feeling like I need to spend hours on my looks or shove myself into uncomfy shoes/outfits just to be appealing to potential mates.
I want to be more comfortable talking about sex and relationships as they pertain to me, but I'm working on that. On the whole, I love being ace. Yeah, it adds complications to my life, but looking at the complications sexuals have, I'd say I got the better end of the bargain by far.
I'm lucky to be ace. ^_^
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| it is hard to meet other asexuals! |
[21 Jun 2009|06:43pm] |
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Well I joined some asexual meet up thing a while ago and there are no asexual women that live anywhere near me! I live in southeastern MA kinda near RI. Are there any women here from around that area preferably around ages 23-36. It would be nice to meet some like mined women in my area.
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| im new and bad at intros |
[20 Jun 2009|04:50pm] |
Hi, first of all this is a new account i just created today (primarily to join this community but also to keep some things seperate or something) I'm not ashamed of whatever i am, im more ashamed that im not sure what that is.
just wanted to mention that cause i know it can be kinda shady if new accounts withj no friends or entries randomly start joining places.
I'm 22 (23 in a couple weeks)
I know that i am Bi, i find men and women ,more or less equally attractive.
however i dont really have a sex drive... at all. I'm also a virgin. which i fguess is part of my confusion because i wonder if maybe i just dont want sex because ive never had it?
at the same time im terrified of it. i had planned to have sex with someone and freaked out and bailed. (im a recovering addict, and it triggered a desire to use like nothing else has)
uhm, I will probably mostly be lurking for a little, but i wanted to just introduce myself
theres alot of things about myself i havent figured out yet, but ive recently been becoming more sure (not entirely but more) that im asexual. Ive never really cared muchj about labels, as far as "bi" i figure ;abels make it easy to sum things up, i attract to people not genders, but sex both does not interest me and actually quite terrifies me.
i like cuddling and kissing. but thats it.
i feel like im writing a personals ad. lol/
as stated in the header, im bad at intros. i either write like nothing, ot wayyyyyy too much.
i havent really had a conversation with anyone about it so i guess this is kinda cathartic.
sorry for such a long first entry.
im really quite relieved to find this community (and the link to AVEN)
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| Why can't it be black and white? |
[19 Jun 2009|12:53am] |
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Hello! Just another face here. This account isn't my true one, if only because I don't know if I'm really ace and while I try to figure it out, don't want people I know finding me posting about this subject.
To introduce myself a bit. I'm a 23 year old girl living in canada. Up until last year I assumed I was your standard heterosexual, because hey, I have a boyfriend of several years via a LDR and I have plenty of dirty thoughts as well as masturbate (that word always looks ugly to me), sometimes to images. I've only started wondering otherwise because although everything is fun in my head (often I think about it from a voyeuristic view however), when it comes to trying anything in the real world when we visit, I lose interest. It's too messy and it just feels weird having someone poking at your netherparts! And only a little better doing the poking in return.. It feels more like "taking care of hormones" than "this is love". I don't see models as sexy either.. If anything some of them are a bit unaesthetic. I also never crave sex (I'm guessing it's like a craving for sexual people?).
Despite all this, I'm afraid to give myself any particular label. Mostly because I'm afraid of the implications it may have for my relationship, and I also fear that it's a case of me reading the traits and deciding I have them... I'm somewhat of a hypochondiac.
Has anyone here ever been in that type of situation, where they're afraid to trust their own "diagnosis"? It's too bad there isn't as much material on asexuality as there is on other non-heteronormative lifestyles. In my case, it'd probably be useful to see my boyfriend more frequently, but unfortunately I don't think that will happen very soon. I'm actually talking with him about this general subject right now (not asexuality, but he's trying to figure out how to get me in the mood whenever we visit again.. I feel bad that I don't have any good/happy answers for him).
Anyway, it was nice getting a some of my thoughts out of my head and written down. :)
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| Being Asexual in a Sexual Place |
[17 Jun 2009|09:58pm] |
Over this past weekend I attended an anime convention, places well known for being rampant with lots o'vices from alcohol to sex to fetish flaunting [collars, anyone?], and so on and so forth. During the course of the weekend, with my new found pals that roomed with me, we all shared in the normal activities of the con. As an asexual, the burlesque show didn't do anything for me, the random half-naked cos-players [lol, Kamina] just seemed normal, and all that other rampant sexuality was null and void.
I'm happy to say that I was quite comfortable around my group who, despite one being there for casual sex, the other open to finding a boyfriend there, and the others just being your average sexuals, thought me odd, but were cool about the idea of wanting to party boy and dance rave-style without any sexual intention. I think I had more fun this time around partly because I didn't let myself feel awkward around people making subtle [or not so subtle, drunken] advances or the open relationships around me in such a concentrated place.
I know there are fellow con-goers here, furry, anime, fantasy, sci-fi, or otherwise, so how do you guys feel at conventions where most people flaunt it 'cause they got it as asexuals?
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asexuality