Answers On Sex

Hand Job

2008-10-16T05:07:17Z

I find giving hand jobs so boring, and they just seem so boring for everyone in general. What are some ways to spice them up? That feel amazing for him? What is eveyones favourite tricks? Or guy, what is your favourite thing a girl does?

Sexual Technique Tip -- We Vibe

2008-10-13T01:02:09Z

So, to follow-up on my recent post on my birthday presents... the other toy I got was the brand-spanking new We Vibe. Designed by an out-of-work computer engineer in Canada, the We Vibe stimulates your g-spot, your clit and his penis (if using). Yes, that's right, this is a vibe that you can have PIV sex while using it. Of course, you can just use it alone as a one-woman show, but it really is designed for hetero couple fun.

My own opinion? Well, it's expensive & the battery isn't replaceable as far as I can tell. At that price, you should somehow be able to replace the battery since it will likely fade-away after a few years.

But to be specific about the vibe part, I like it (a lot). Just my personal preference, but I like it more without the Penis. For the guys... Mr. Morticia tells me he really likes the vibe feeling during PIV intercourse. Why don't I like it during PIV? Well, depending on the position we're using, it tends to slip (missionary especially) and then it gets uncomfy for me. And sometimes, the pressure of Mr.M leaning into it as we do it is uncomfy, too. (does this make sense?) We are still experimenting with it, however, and if we figure out which positions work best for us I'll let you know. (For that matter, if any of you have tried it, pls. let us know what positions work best!)

Also, it *really is* quiet. And comes with it's own discrete carrying case. Classy.

If my review isn't enough, check out all the press the We Vibe has got. Sue Johansson even made it Sex Toy of the Year!

On the whole, this is definitely one of the best toys I've ever used, especially of the vibrating kind.

I know I've talked about it from a Hetero point of view, but in this video from Babeland Toys in the US, they show and describe how it could be useful in male only, male-on-male couple play and female-on-female. Check it out:

Question about shops and toys

2008-09-30T10:49:51Z

Heya.
I wanted to get this for my GF
http://www.venusenvy.ca/catalogue/display.asp?qType=1&qCategory=999&qMaterial=2&qPage=2&qNum=119
(and also a Diva cup)
The only problem is it's in Canada and I live in South Africa. For some really strange reason this country is stuck in the "oh god sex is evil" or at least a "we don't talk about that openly" kind of attitude (I mean they used to send you to prison for owning porn years and years back). So as you can imagine finding decent things like that is hard to come by here.
While on the subject of toys and such does anyone know of a site that'll ship world wide and accept credit card and such?
oh and feedback on if thats a decent item would be much appreciated =)

Sexual Technique Tip -- Little Chroma or How to use a vibrator

2008-09-30T00:09:07Z

So, for my bday Mr. Morticia went out and got me two fancy high end sex toys for pressies... and since i can't tell anyone I know IRL about it... I'm going to tell you guys in the form of a couple of sexual technique tip posts. :-) Consider it a sex toy how to with a bit of a review mixed in. I should say that Mr. Morticia and I use my toys as a hetero couple, but I will also try to cover what I would do if I used them alone.

So, the first one is a Little Chroma by Jimmy Jane. He got me the red one, in case you want to know. Aside from the fact that it is a bit insane to spend *that much* on a sex toy, I have to say that I am really glad he did it as I'd been secretly wanting one for awhile. Well, not so secret, since he clearly knew I wanted one!

Anyway, The Little Chroma is a small, sturdy, discrete little vibrator. In spite of what you might hear said about the sound, I think it sounds like a lawn mower. Or at least, it sounds like my neighbour's lawn mower! The Vibrations are, well, just right for me. Not too hard and not too soft and, well, constant.

I personally like to just hold it in my hand sometimes... I really like the feel that way. Doesn't even have to be on. I was surprised at how good it feels all over different parts of my body... and Mr. Morticia says he likes the feel, too! As the hype says, you can heat it up and cool it down... which makes for interesting times on nipples, genitals, body etc. So, foreplay use?... check.

Absolutely stunning for clitoral stimulation!

And... oh yeah... you might think that something so small would be crap inside your vagina, but I quite liked it. I could definitely feel the buzz. Last time I owned a vibrator, it was large and frankly I didn't like it at all...So, if you're one of those people who's not thrilled by the idea of a plastic cock the size of an elephant, a Little Chroma might work for you!

It's expensive, but the motor is replaceable; the materials are non-toxic; and it's some serious fun.

Then again, I've only had it for a little over a week... so you might want to ask me again in a year.

soo... if you've got a vibrator... let's have it! What are your favourite ways to use it?!

-----------

Other people's advice on how to use a vibrator:

http://sexuality.about.com/od/vibrators/ht/use_a_vibrator.htm

http://www.babeland.com/sexinfo/howto/howtouseavibrator

http://howtousevibrators.com/

http://www.sextoys411.com/vibrators.htm

http://www.comeasyouare.com/index.cfm?fa=caya.Page&L=Info&P=How_To_Use_A_Vibrator

http://www.ehow.com/how_2255592_use-a-vibrator.html

competence

2008-09-28T14:45:21Z

How long after losing your virginity did it take you to feel totally competent sexually? I lost my virginity four years ago. There are still times when I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing.

Libido

2008-08-21T03:14:42Z

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 3 years now and we've been having sex for almost the same amount of time. At first, obviously, the sex was very ego driven and all about getting in as much as we could when we could and orgasms. Now that we've been together for a while we've reached a different, more mature, level where we still love to have sex, but it's not about orgasms, it's just about being in the moment. But along with this comes the fact that we don't have sex nearly as much as we used to and sometimes it gets to me. I've talked to my boyfriend about it from time to time but I don't want to harp on the subject. Sometimes I'm worried that maybe I think about it too much; it's strange being a woman and having the sex drive of a young man. I mean I get horny at the most random (and inconvenient) of times. I'm very happy with our relationship and when we have sex it's amazing, but I feel like I'm being selfish and childish because of this strangely strong sense of lust, especially after dating the same man for such a period of time.

I guess what I'm wondering is if there are other women out there who have a very strong libido, and if there are men who have been with similar women? How would you approach this issue?

fellatio with a condom - your favorites?

2008-08-20T19:50:27Z

Hi there!

For performing fellatio with a condom, what is your preference: flavored condom or unlubricated + flavored lube? what brands do you like, or dislike?

answers_on_sex @ 2008-08-13T09:13:00

2008-08-12T21:16:14Z

Im a 25 year old guy, and im a virgin. Not only that, but ive never had a girlfriend (and i can count on one hand how many girls have shown interest in me) and up until 3 days ago i had never even kissed a girl. I am actually really embaressed by all that and i have never admitted it to anyone ever, because most guys will have been there done that before they even turn 20. Im not very charasmatic and my social skills are pretty average (but i get better as i start to get to know you). I have alot of self confidence issues and im worried that when i find a girl who is willing to go there, im going to be a lame duck and she will lose interest and i dont know if my self confidence could ever recover from a blow like that. I had my first kiss the other night with my flatmates friend who id just met that day. We were drunk and it wasnt a full on tongue kiss but thats cool, i'd rather start off with the basics before jumping right in and making an ass of myself. We ended up sleeping together that night (but no sex just a bit of cuddling) and it was cool. I dont think she is interested in persuing anything with me but thats okay, my self confidence is still in tact because she ended up staying the next night when she could have easily just gone home or said she had plans.
Im not the kind of guy who feels the need to have his first time with someone really special. Its more important to me to be able to give my girl a good experience and keep her interested rather than having the knowledge that my first time was with someone i loved. This brings me to my next thing...

Lately ive been thinking of going to whore houses just to gain experience, i mean when you think about it... if you are a bad root, a whore isnt really going to care because it will just be nothing new to them they will have seen it all before. Not just that but its like making an ass of yourself on the internet - it doesnt matter because nobody knows you and you will never see them again anyway. My worst fear is sleeping with a girl and then her telling someone else i know that i was lame in the sack and that i have a small cock or something. I mean sh*t im a normal guy... i like to watch porn and i know how my size compares to others and lets just say im probaly below average and i cant make up for my inexperience with a huge pecker. But i've seen smaller, and im eager to please, and surely thats a plus!

This is my ideal situation... I'd find a girl who wants to take things nice and slow and we would build up a really trusting and honest relationship and once we are completely comfortable around each other to the point where i feel okay telling her ive never done it before, she would be understanding about it. She would know not to expect much the first time, but would also be prepared to help me out and give me a bit of advice about what she likes and doesnt like. I know that for most people they would never want to "teach" someone how to have sex or to kiss properly, but if you really liked a person and their only weak point was that they were hopeless in the sack, surely you would be happy to give them a few pointers? I mean obviously im no expert here, but i think anyone can be good at sex... it just takes an honest person to give them some honest advice, rather than expecting them to know everything and ditching them if they dont perform up to your standard. With good communication, the sex would get alot better alot faster. Wouldnt that be right?

Edit; 2 things i should probably mention;

1) Prositution is legal here in new zealand
2) I've gone off the whore house idea. I agree with what everyone has said. I dont wanna have to tell a girlfriend that i lost my virginity to a whore... I dont know what i was thinking.

2008 Community Poll Results

2008-08-12T03:03:05Z

Dear AOS Members,

Thanks to those who participated in our mini Poll a few weeks ago. You can find the results here: http://www.livejournal.com/poll/?id=1230469&mode=results

In keeping with your input we have decided on the following actions:

1) As previously stated, we have pulled back the rule on repeat questions. Was it asked earlier today? Last week? Last month? Doesn't matter... ask again as often as you like.

2) Thanks to feedback on the mini poll we have agreed that in general comment screening will not be allowed. If there is a good reason that you want to screen comments on a post, please contact the maintainers and ask. Once we've given permission, write your post and then at the end include "Comment screening is on with permission from the maintainers". Otherwise, you may find that your post has been deleted. If this happens to you, as with any other deleted post, you will find info about it on aos__mods.

3) Thanks to the feedback on whether to change the system for joining and posting, this system will remain unchanged.

You will notice appropriate changes to reflect this in the User Info under Rule #7.

If you have any questions or further feedback, please leave a comment or contact us via aos__mods.

xo M.
(on behalf of the mods)

answers_on_sex @ 2008-08-09T03:55:00

2008-08-09T11:55:02Z

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 months now and we've been having sex for 2 months. I was a virgin when I met him but I had tried oral sex with previous partners. I was never able to come with them because they were bad at it. My boyfriend is quite experienced all over but clean and attentive. I know that it's quite common for women who are new to traditional vaginal sex to take quite a while to get the hang of it and figure out how to orgasm during sex. We've tried switching around with lots of different positions and tried varying levels of foreplay including oral sex, fingering and toys but we still have have trouble getting me to orgasm without a vibrator.
I'm perfectly comfortable orgasming in front of him because I play with myself in front of him on a regular basis if he finishes before me. I usually do this with a vibrator. I tried not using the vibrator for an extended period of time in case it was desensitizing me but that didn't help. He's gotten me close with a combination of fingering and oral but the fingering keeps tearing me every couple times because I'm pretty tight and I tense up when he's pulling his finger(s) out. He never puts in more than 2 fingers and he keeps his nails trimmed and clean but that doesn't always help. He has good enthusiasm with the oral and he's very good at it but it takes me a while to come and he gets tired before he can finish me off.
We tried having sex in positions that allowed me to use the vibrator on myself which worked in getting me to come but we can't seem to do it without the aid of the toy. Also, he's kind of long, 7.5", and I'm pretty shallow so some positions are difficult because it takes me a minute or so to stretch and allow him to get fulling inserted. We tried using a cock ring so that he could last longer in hopes that would give me more of a chance to get closer to orgasm and for the most part it's extended our time by a lot, 5-8 minutes or so I think. A friend suggested we try having sex with me on top to allow for easier penetration and that's helped so far. I also tried not concentrating on trying to orgasm and just living in the moment like I do when I'm masturbating by myself but it didn't seem to help too much. It really frustrates him because he says I'm the only girl he's never been able to get off after so long.

Does anyone have any suggestions as far as positions and techniques, physical or psychological, to use to help me achieve orgasm during vaginal sex or during oral?

2008 Community Poll Reminder

2008-07-31T21:29:59Z

If you haven't seen/filled out our mini poll, please do so by end of day Monday!

http://community.livejournal.com/answers_on_sex/802502.html

Thanks everyone!

xo M.

Sex after chilbirth

2008-07-30T21:02:01Z

I'm not pregnant, never been, and don't plan on getting pregnant soon. However, a few days ago I was reading some sex blogs and came across this article, which got me really, really curious - and worried, specially the part where she gets all excited because it isn't painful, as she expected- about how sex life changes after having a child. But I'm only concerned about pleasure and intercouse itself though, because I absolutely understand that after taking care of a baby all day everyday one must feel wayyy tired to even think about sex when going to bed with your husband/father of your child. And you are probably more worried about your baby than anything else, so it'll take some time before you actually feel ok to get intimate with your partner again -- but when it comes to sex itself, is it less enjoyable? Is it painful? Do you get the same sensations you got before you had your baby, or does everything change forever and ever?

I'd really appreciate it if women who've had kids could answer my questions, because I've seriously been thinking about it -and boring my boyfriend talking about it- every day since I read that story.

Thanks a lot in advance!

Community Housekeeping 2008

2008-07-27T15:33:30Z

Usually (well, for the last 2 years running which in LJ life is "usually") in July we have run a community satisfaction poll of sorts (click here to see last year's poll as I am going to reference it). In recent months we maintainers have become acutely aware that posting to this community has dropped off sharply. Is it because we didn't manage to post a sexual technique tip on a bi-monthly basis? Is it because in spite of your interest, our busy lives meant that we didn't get to writing any new PSAs this year on STDs?

We are thinking not (though we will try to step it up this year)... we are thinking that the culprit is the rule on repeating a question within 30 days that came out two years ago. As such, we are going to end that rule and invite you to post questions as often as you like as long as they are within the scope of the community rules listed in the profile. This will take effect immediately, but we will edit the profile page all at once at the end of the polling period to reflect all changes simultaneously.

Two issues have come up this year that we want your opinion on (because tbh we don't agree on the right way to handle this and so we really need your opinion to guide us!)

View Poll: 2008 Mini Poll

Note that any decisions we take, esp. in relation to the second question would need to be vetted against the new LJ Abuse Rules although at the moment we think we are probably in the clear.

Please vote between now and August 4th One of us will post a reminder later in the week.

Thanks!

xo M.

answers_on_sex @ 2008-07-24T23:13:00

2008-07-25T04:13:57Z

My boyfriend and I don't have sex whole lot (and it may be because of stress and also because I'm pregnant) and I asked him what I could do to put him in the mood, and he basically told me to experiment or look it up klol. So, here I am! I can't find anything else on the internet taht I'd actually do, so I need you guys to help me out and give me some advice..

Give me some ideas please! What turns your man on? Or what have you heard that men really really love?

Please help me out :]

The Global War on Sex Education

2008-07-24T22:16:54Z

The Guardian | The Global War On Sex Education.

If you click on the link above you will see that there are many (some not so polite) comments on this blog-like article. There are also a number of links right in the article which I didn't copy when I cut and paste it here.

The global war on sex education

In the US and abroad, the Bush administration has severely restricted women's access to contraception
Sarah Wildman
guardian.co.uk, Monday July 21 2008

If Barack Obama's tour of Europe and the Middle East does anything, it will give the senator from Illinois a taste of just how desperate the world beyond US borders is for the very brand of change he's advocated these many months. Sure there are the obvious points: the promise to pull out of Iraq, the reinvigoration of a kind of outwardly focused global neo-liberalism and engagement with allies and foes alike on everything from climate change to countering terror. But this month's World Population Day pointed to another reason the Bushies can't leave office fast enough.

According to a new World Bank report, despite a worldwide increase in access to contraception and contraceptive technologies, some 51 million unintended pregnancies take place every year in the developing world, and an additional 25 million pregnancies are gestated by women who use faulty contraception or don't understand the methods they're using.

Of that number, according to the World Bank, some 68,000 women die from botched or unsafe abortions each year, and some 5.1 million are left permanently disabled by them. "Giving women access to modern contraception and family planning also helps to boost economic growth while reducing high birth rates so strongly linked with endemic poverty, poor education and high numbers of maternal and infant deaths," Joy Phumaphi, the World Bank's vice-president for human development, and a former health minister in Botswana, said in a statement.

How does that connect to the Bush administration? Simple. Since the moment he stepped into office, Bush's commitment to the foolish "abstinence only" training both domestically and internationally has been coupled with a slavish devotion to the restrictive, ghoulish, "global gag rule", introduced by Ronald Reagan in 1984, that cut off funding for any organisation that used USAID funds to even touch the word "abortion". That meant an organisation couldn't counsel a woman on abortion as an option, even if it received money from an entirely separate funding source to do so. Given that the 1973 Helms Amendment already banned US funds from paying for overseas abortions, Reagan's policy gagged healthcare providers and gave them a stark choice: lose crucial American funding (from the creation of USAID in 1965 to 1984, some 40% of all foreign funding to population control-oriented organisations globally came from the US), or severely limit the way they talked about reproductive choices.

Bill Clinton repealed the policy, but Bush reinstated it the moment he arrived in Washington, in January 2001. Then, in August 2003, he tried to deepen its impact, extending the ban from USAID to the entire state department, pushing to ban all employees at state from even discussing the consequences of abortion. Several reports issued at the time illustrated just how devastating Bush's policy had become. By 2002 USAID had ended shipments of contraceptives to 16 developing nations in Africa and Asia as a direct consequence of the gag rule.

Instead of ending abortions, the global gag rule pushed women into back alleys and undermined, even closed, organisations that would have counselled women on how not to get pregnant in the first place. By diminishing access to contraception, it was actually laying the groundwork for unsafe abortions. The global gag rule didn't just gag healthcare providers about abortion. It gagged them on contraception and education. Since 2002, the Bush administration has also withheld funding - to the tune of $39.7m - from the United Nations Population Fund, claiming - despite evidence to the contrary - that UNFPA is connected to forced abortions in China. The shortfall from the US has also helped undermine the spread of contraception and education around the world, particularly in Africa.

"Hundreds of women are dying every day in poor countries from botched abortions," says Barbara Crane, executive vice-president of the North Carolina-based reproductive rights organisation IPAS, who wrote me by email last week. "By repeatedly cutting the budget for international family planning and putting in place the global gag rule, the supposedly 'pro-life' Bush administration ignores this tragic reality - and without doubt causes more unsafe abortions, posing high costs to women, their families and society at large. It is ironic that the same groups that oppose abortion rarely step up and support better access to contraception."

The Bush administration has time and again put American women's lives second to a religiously inspired relationship to women and reproductive health. Take their latest attempt to restrict American women's access to contraception and the kind of pre-emptive contraceptive measures that pro-life forces should love. In this latest salvo, the US department of health and human services would allow any healthcare provider the right to refuse to treat a woman, and defines "abortion" in such a broad manner as to restrict access to IUDs, the morning after pill, and some birth control pills. This affects any entity – from public and private hospitals to pharmacies - that receives public funding from HHS, explains Jill Morrison, senior counsel at the National Women's Law Centre. "Under the guise of simply interpreting current law," Morrison explained, if this HHS proposal goes through it would "completely expand the federal abortion refusal laws to include some of the most commonly used forms of contraception." Morrison said it was fair to call this a "domestic gag rule".

The Bush administration's relationship to sex and reproduction has been consistently abysmal, from their utterly failed effort to promote abstinence only among teenagers to its unique ability to hire militantly anti-contraception "experts" like Susan Orr, a veteran of the religious Family Research Council, who was named acting deputy assistant secretary for population affairs in October of last year (and stepped down, quietly, in May). Orr was previously known for championing a measure that would strip funding for birth control for federal workers, saying she was "quite pleased because fertility is not a disease. It's not a medical necessity that you have it" and earlier calling contraception part of a "culture of death".

The Bush administration's notion of contraception and sex education has been consistently – maddeningly - oxymoronic. Abortion rates are lowest in countries where women have access to education, especially education on contraception. So while we in the US hold our collective breath, waiting out these last few months of Bush's efforts to restrict our freedoms, globally women are literally dying for him to leave.

answers_on_sex @ 2008-07-21T22:57:00

2008-07-22T07:07:16Z

OK, the other night I was on a date with this guy I'd just met, and at first he was really gentleman-like and sweet, then after we dropped off his friend he turned into this superhorny sex-obsessed animal, and multiple times during the night he would climb on top of me with no warning and I would have to tell him repeatedly to get off of me, ad every time I would tell him this, he would continue dryhumping me and trying to take my clothes off for a few minutes while arguing "no it's ok it's ok" before he finally got off of me and apologized. Normally I would just write it off as him bing stubborn and having low self-control, and be grateful that he did eventually get off of me without doing anything too bad, but it reminded me of an incident with my friend's brother about 3 years ago where pretty much the same thing happened, except my friend's brother did not stop after a few minutes - the first time he tried to go all the way and had me naked on the floor before he stopped, and the 2nd time he actually did go all the way and have sex with me...anyway, the date the other night reminded me of that incident, and I was wondering if I should be worried about this maybe ending up as a repeat of said incident, or maybe if I am just overreacting?

Irritation/Pain

2008-07-17T14:02:54Z

First off, I did look in the memories about this issue, and found nothing. Just wanted to clear that up so I didn't get jumped on, and if I'm wrong, please feel free to redirect me to where I should be.

I am having a lot of pain caused by sex. It's not an internal pain, more external. I know some people are just more sensitive than others, but I would like to enjoy the sex that I am having.

It's not a size issue, or the condom (I don't use condoms because of this problem) and it's not anything to do with my boyfriend. It's been with all the guys I've been with, pretty much everytime. Yees, I use lube, and though I haven't tried every kind out there, I've tried a few. The pain is like an irritation from the rubbing I guess, and while during sex it doesn't hurt as bad, afterwards it feels like I've been using sandpaper to please myself. The only thing I have found that at least cools the burning down temporarily is a nice soak in the bathtub. But, that's only temporary and I find that I can't have sex again comfortably for at least a day, some times a few.
This has been going on for years, and the reason I bring it up now is because I am pregnant, and obviously I am much more sensitive down there. So while before I could at least grin and bear it, the one time in my life that I should be able to enjoy sex the most, I am enjoying it the least.

Any advice anyone has would be helpful. I hope this was enough information. Thanks.

Not satisfied

2008-07-07T05:42:06Z

I am new here and was wondering what advice you may have for a relationship where the guy is done way before I get good and going, he comes and i'm left wanting more, how can I get him to last longer? I've never had this problem before.
Am I expecting to much? I would think that if two people are in love this shouldn't be a problem.

Sexual Technique Tip -- How to be a Dominatrix

2008-07-05T20:13:00Z

Thinking about spicing up your sex life with a little dominatrix routine? Or has your lover suggested that he/she would like it if you would take more control? Or you are thinking of becoming a professional dominatrix, but don't know if it is really for you? Or just curious -- what does it take for a woman to be a domme?

Well... for the curious, here are the links:

http://www.ehow.com/how_2107901_be-dominatrix.html

http://www.arenablaze.com/index.php

Books on Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Tips-Dominatrix-Patricia-Payne/dp/0060392878

And Interview with Patricia Payne (author of the book above):
http://www.salon.com/people/lunch/1999/12/16/payne/

And here's an online meme to "see" whether you would make a good dominatrix!

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/the-could-you-be-a-good-dominatrix-test

BDSM not for you? But how should you act if you come across a dominatrix and her sub at a dinner party?! BBC (amusingly) attempts an answer: http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A545159

Positions.

2008-07-01T17:15:34Z

I'v never posted to this community before but i'm hoping some of you may be able to help me out. I'm relatively inexpierenced sexually, and have only had sex with my current parter a handful of times, always with him on top. The problem I have is that I always feel like he is doing the majority of the work during sex. Is there anything I could do whilst he's on top to make things more pleasurable for both of us? Or is the only solution for me to go on top?

Thanks.

Want Better Sex? Savour the Experience

2008-06-29T17:42:49Z

Canada dot com| Want Better Sex? Savour the Experience

Want better sex? Savour the Experience

Jennifer Parks , Canwest News Service
EDMONTON - For a culture enamoured by fast cars, drive-thrus, instant messaging and work productivity, it's no surprise that "wham-bam-thank-you- ma'am" is part of our pop-lexicon.
Typically, men shoulder the burden of blame for fast-tracking foreplay, treating sex like a race to the finish line and being champions of the three- minute orgasm.

However, there's a scene in the new Sex and the City movie in which an exhausted, overworked Miranda blurts out to her partner Steve, during their first sex in six months, "can't we get this over with?"

The culture of the "swift shag" is waking up to the fact that it's the journey, not the destination, that matters.

To destination-oriented lovers, in this age of speed, erotic deceleration may seem counterintuitive, but more and more people today are starting to wonder "what's the big rush anyway?"

Slowly, but surely, every facet of life - work, travel, communication, food and even sex - is being touched by the emerging desire to do less and enjoy more.
Slow, it seems, is the new fast.

In his book In Praise of Slow, Carl Honore examines how the slow movement is challenging how we do everything from raise kids, build cities and treat disease to eat, sleep and make love.
"Even lads' magazines have started urging readers to seduce their partners with long, laid-back erotic encounters, complete with candles, music, wine and massage," he writes.

In major North American cities, couples can now enrol in tantric sex workshops that teach a mix of meditation, yoga, breathing and unhurried foreplay to magnify the intimacy and pleasures of lovemaking.

The quickie, to be sure, will always have its place; in fact, Honore argues that doing it fast is an instinct that goes back to when our ancestors fornicated on the fly to make themselves less vulnerable to attack by rivals and predators.

Nonetheless, the culture of the "swift shag" is waking up to the fact that it's the journey, not the destination, that matters.

Sex should be savoured, like a 100-year-old bottle of Chateauneuf-du-Pape, not guzzled like the last watery pint before the bar closes.

Taking your time won't just score you points in the bedroom, says a Vancouver sex expert.

``The one thing all sexual dysfunctions have in common is that our head is cut off from our genitals," says David McKenzie, a marriage counsellor and sex therapist with a doctorate in human sexuality.

"Anorgasmia and premature ejaculation are often a result of people not giving themselves enough time to get into their sexual feelings and enjoy them, " he says. "Many men aren't aware they are getting close to ejaculating, and 30 per cent of women are not able to orgasm."
Women naturally take longer, on average 20 minutes to reach full sexual arousal, compared with 10 minutes for men, McKenzie explains.

"Guys need to take more time to get their women on board," he says. "Slowing down means both people have the chance to enjoy sex more."

And isn't the biggest turn-on knowing your partner's as into it as you are?

Yet those in search of slow are swimming counter-current: we receive so many messages about how sex "ought to be" from former lovers, erotic media, and even our own masturbatory styles, says McKenzie.

"Some men masturbate too fast, and over the ultra-sensitive head of the penis, which creates too much stimulation and can lead to premature ejaculation; while others grip too hard, which no vagina can replicate, no matter how many Kegel exercises she does," McKenzie explains. "This guy can pump for hours and never come, so he needs to slow down, ease up, and start smelling the roses along the way."

Slow sex can not only be more pleasurable, it becomes necessary the older we get, says Joan Price, author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty.

``The depletion of hormones means we don't get as aroused, so rather than rush to the finish line like we did in our 20s, why not stay at each step and really enjoy it?" says Price.

Older people also have the benefit of being seasoned lovers, she adds. "For many seniors, this is the best sex of our lives; not the easiest - because we're not as quick with arousal and orgasm - but we know ourselves and our partners, in and out of bed, and we're much more ready to love, be loved, and express ourselves sexually."

As you begin to redefine yourself sexually, focusing on the journey rather than its conclusion, slowing down helps us live more in the moment, says an Ontario life coach, author and slow-living advocate.

Free of distractions, expectations and judgments of how sex should unfold, a true and deep conversation can take place between lovers, says Sue Kenney.

"If we go to bed thinking 'he always wants to do it too fast,' your partner will receive that pressure. Instead of opening to the possibility for it to change, it's reinforced," she says. "If you slow down and take a breath, you can open to creating new possibilities."

Slowing things down will not only help you connect more deeply with your lover. It will make orgasms longer, stronger and extend the journey to climax, says McKenzie.

Besides, sex is loads of fun, and since we all work so darn hard these days, don't we deserve a little extended play time between the sheets, too?

Edmonton Journal

© CanWest News Service 2008

Study: Treating herpes doesn't prevent HIV

2008-06-22T21:22:37Z

Study: Treating herpes doesn't prevent HIV

By MARIA CHENG, AP Medical Writer
Fri Jun 20, 7:07 AM ET
LONDON - Doctors have long suspected that people with herpes are more likely to catch HIV. So they thought that by treating herpes, they could also cut a person's HIV risk. But a new study that tested this strategy found the assumption may have been wrong.

"It's a significant, disappointing finding," Francis Ndowa, coordinator of the sexually transmitted infections control team at the World Health Organization, said in an interview.

Ndowa was not connected to the research, published Friday in the medical journal The Lancet.

The finding may spark a rethinking of HIV prevention strategies in Africa, where controlling sexually transmitted diseases such as herpes is usually part of general AIDS prevention plans.

Researchers tracked more than 3,000 men and women infected with herpes in Africa, Peru and the United States. Roughly half were treated with aciclovir, an antiviral that stops herpes ulcers.

After a year and a half, the scientists found that 75 people out of the 1,581 who had been receiving aciclovir were later infected with HIV. Of the 1,591 people who received placebo pills, 64 contracted HIV.

In the trial, researchers chose participants who had herpes and who faced similar risks of getting AIDS. The study also questioned the participants during monthly visits about risky sexual behavior with their recent partners.

The study was paid for by the United States' National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, other U.S. government institutes, and by GlaxoSmithKline PLC, which sells aciclovir as Zovirax.

A small study in Tanzania last year also suggested that treating herpes didn't help reducing HIV susceptibility.

But that doesn't necessarily mean that the theory of treating herpes to avoid HIV is incorrect, experts said.

"It's probably likely that we need considerably more potent interventions than we have," Connie Celum, a professor of global health and medicine at the University of Washington who led the Lancet study, told The Associated Press.

Experts said there was a complex relationship between the two viruses that is still not entirely understood.

When herpes ulcers erupt, that draws white blood cells to the skin to fight the virus. Unfortunately, those white blood cells also have receptors for HIV.

Ndowa said it was possible that even without the telltale ulcers, herpes might have lingered while patients were taking the aciclovir, allowing HIV to gain a foothold.

In an accompanying commentary in the Lancet, Ronald H. Gray and Maria J. Wawer of Johns Hopkins University said it was questionable whether controlling sexually transmitted infectious could work to prevent HIV.

"It is time to reassess the hypothesis and to adjust prevention policy accordingly," they wrote.

But Ndowa and Celum said the strategy of fighting herpes to prevent AIDS might work, if a different dosage or more powerful drug was tried.

"We don't exactly know why this didn't work, but this approach still has potential," Ndowa said. "Maybe it was just too much to expect from a tablet taken twice a day that it could be effective against HIV."

Original Link Click Here

False Positives in Oral HIV Test Halt Use in NYC

2008-06-22T21:19:37Z

False Positives in Oral HIV Test Halt Use in NYC

Thu Jun 19, 11:46 PM ET
THURSDAY, June 19 (HealthDay News) -- Due to problems with false-positive results, the use of an oral rapid HIV test was recently halted by the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene, which operates 10 sexually transmitted disease walk-in clinics.

In January 2004, the clinics introduced on-site, rapid HIV testing of finger-stick, whole-blood specimens using the OraQuick test. Then, in March 2005, the clinics replaced the finger-stick test with an oral fluid test, the OraQuick Advance Rapid HIV-1/2 Antibody Test.

However, beginning in late 2005, the clinics noted an unexpected increase in false-positive oral test results. This increase subsided after several months, notes a report released online June 18 in Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, published by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

The use of oral fluid tests was suspended for three weeks in December 2005 and replaced with the finger-stick test while city health officials investigated the increase in false-positive test results. The finger-stick tests didn't produce any false-positive results.

The oral fluid test was re-introduced in late December 2005. However, any positive result from an oral fluid test had to be followed up with a finger-stick test.

In late 2007, there was another larger increase in the incidence of false-positive oral fluid tests. The cause has not been determined and the city health department has stopped the use of the oral fluid test. Only the finger-stick test is being used.

"These findings underscore the importance of confirming all reactive HIV tests, both from oral fluid and whole-blood specimens," the report authors wrote.

"In addition, the results suggest that the NYC DOHMH strategy of following up reactive oral fluid test results with an immediate finger-stick whole-blood test reduced the number of apparent false-positive oral fluid test results and might be a useful strategy in other settings and locations," they added.

More information

The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has more about HIV testing.

answers_on_sex @ 2008-06-19T11:26:00

2008-06-19T16:26:55Z

Just curious... do blow-up dolls actually feel tight?

Sex Advice to Give The Guys.

2008-06-11T01:11:36Z

I saw this online while reading about tomato salmonella... please don't ask how it's related. I'm not sure!

Does anyone have any other messages you think the young guys need to hear?

The most important sex talk of all

ANTHONY E. WOLF
From Tuesday's Globe and Mail
June 10, 2008 at 1:40 AM EDT

"Son."

"Yeah, Dad."

"I think it's time that you and I had a little talk about responsible sexual behaviour."

"Cool."

Hardly. Despite widespread — and not always enlightened — media exposure to sexuality, such conversations still rarely happen. Parents think the sex talk means telling their boys to wear condoms, not making the point that responsible sexual behaviour means being considerate and respectful. And even if the culture now recognizes that girls are people too, many boys still don't get it.

Parents typically avoid the sex talk for a number of reasons. They feel embarrassed. And political correctness notwithstanding, most parents still tacitly give their sons permission to do whatever they want so long as they don't make someone pregnant or pick up an STD.

But talking to boys is essential. They are often unsure of what is good, or even acceptable, behaviour. It's not the sort of scenario typically discussed among their peers or online. The messages that dominate these sources are as follows:

It's cool, admirable, a source of pride to rack up sexual conquests;
It's cool, admirable, a source of pride to do wild and irresponsible stuff;
Caring about girls as people is uncool, not something that you'd want to admit to.
Over all, the message is that sexual activity with girls is something that you do for what you can get out of it, and that the girls' feelings are not part of the equation.

Here's what they need to hear — whether from Mom or from Dad, or from both together:

* No means no. It's an iron-clad rule. (And it applies when the boy says it, too.);
* Physical force is seriously never okay;
* It is not okay to have sex with someone who has a diminished capacity to say no — they're drunk, drugged or suffering any other impairment;
* If a girl puts herself in a situation where she is vulnerable — drinking alone with you, for example — it does not automatically mean yes;
* What you do sexually with a girl is a private matter between the two of you;
* It is never okay to have sex without a condom. It's dangerous to you and dangerous to your partner;
* It is never okay to make fun of a girl's body.

While every parent will tailor these messages to their child, the fundamental theme is that no matter what the circumstance, no matter who the girl is, she is someone with valid feelings that should always be considered. Sexual behaviour should not produce harm.

In regard to gay male teenagers, these rules apply as well. But with gay teens it is more complex, because they are more vulnerable to sexual predators than straight male teens, and that absolutely needs to be discussed with them as well.

Will your talk have any effect on a teenaged boy in the face of such strong counter-messages from their culture? Perhaps it will. Perhaps it will not. But what the above can do is expose them to another view. Just by having the conversation, you put the words in their head.

"Thanks, Dad. Now I know the right thing to do, and I realize my friends are idiots and the stuff I see online is messed up."

Maybe not. But he hears every word you say.

Link to the original article