THE ANOREXIC QUEEN

Fri, 09 May 2008 22:28:18 GMT

I feel disgusting i hate myself so much right now.
Ok, I was doing ok till 4 o'clock.
Then i had:
*1 cashew nut
*20 grams of spinach..

at three i went to my grandmothers and at 4 o'clock she was like.. Don't you want any tea?
Sure, i said and then she started dragging out loads of bread (healthy spelt corn stuff) but anyways it's like 100 cal the slice.
And the worst thing is that she had those fig rolls which are 70 calories each!
I almost broke down. And guess what! I ate 2 small slices of that bread with sugarfree jam. Like 300 calories or something.. And 2 figrolls..
Ok Then i thought with myself that having eaten 500 calories over a ONE day! I so disgusting and that i couldn't eat anything more.

But when i came home my mom was making some Burritos and i ate one with brown rice chili sauce and vegetables..
And plus that i ate a piece of chocolate 50 cal.
so totally i had eaten more that 800 today.

So i went jogging straight after the meal and there was something that dragged me to a secret spot where i vomited. I didn't have any control..
I promised myself i'd stop this but i can't.
I hate it, and yeah i ran for like an hour and did some exercises.. And finally now I'm beginning to feel a bit hungry again and i love it.

Tomorrow i'm going to eat 1 orange over the day...
It's great!! I recommend it.. After a binge have an orange day.. I normally lose a pound doing that!:D

I can't wait till next Wednesday.. My mom allowed me to eat only fruit for one week then.. "to clean the bodysystem " I said.. But it's true..:D

And King Tubby is the best..
And Nicole Richie.. I'd kill to be that thin!

Fri, 09 May 2008 22:15:53 GMT

I went to a party tonight.
I wore a dress.

I love dresses... but not on me. they show my scars on my leg. there not bad scars and if people ask i could easily make an excuse up but its just the knowing that there there.

the scars on my arms everyones got used to. They all have there own long story of how they became.

all lies.

i am a lie i guess.

anyway the party was ok untill i realised my friends sister was there. she was with her family. just trying to hide herself.
She suffered from anorexia for years and ...

well i dunno.
it was strange.
she was so thin... and tiny... and pretty,..
and i then found myself everytime i walked past her tht i was tensing my waist to make it smaller and doing strange things like this.

im weird.

anyway update:
weight loss ... unknown ive not weighed since tuesday... scales have been removed by the mother. - This is sue to her finding my diet pills... and im assuming my diary because thts gone missing.
im scared.
she stilll hasnt mentipned anything about it yet.
i wont bring it up :S

my singing teacher asked how my eating habbits were yesterday - random.
I denied anything and said i was fine. she then said thts good because people with eating problems annoy her.

mental note to never mention anything about food to her :/

life sucks

xxx

Fri, 09 May 2008 21:47:20 GMT

hey everyonee
i haven't posted in ages but my internet has been down
so neways
today
breakfast - handfull of museli , well 30g is 160cals so i'm not sure how much a handfull is =S
Lunch - an apple - 63 cals
tea - half my vegatalbe risoto which is around about 100 cals i'm so glad i make it so then i can put really low cal stuff in =D

i'm fasting tomorow and sunday =)
good luck all of you =D
let me know if your fasting aswell

love you all
xx

Fri, 09 May 2008 21:35:54 GMT

today was my day, I guess. i had 198 cals, all together :)
3/4 cup of cornflakes= 75 cals.
1/4 cup of milk= 38
3 teaspoons of sugar= 45 cals.
1/4 cup of cramberry juice= 35 cals.
pink lemonade soft drink= 5 cals.
probably even less, I round most of those up! xD

hopefully, I'll get down to 110 by june 7th! <3
so how is everyone else doing?

sorry for double posting...

Fri, 09 May 2008 21:22:05 GMT

...but for girls and guys in the UK
go to Boots and get :

Shapers Chargrilled Pepper and Three Bean Salad
Crispy fresh salad leaves with chargrilled peppers, hearty beans and salsa
48 kcals,
fat 1.0g -
cost: £2.70

But seriously can you go wrong with a 48 cal salad...

theres an even lower one 41 cals.

Shapers Superfood Salad
Full of goodness from baby purple basil herbs to soya beans to lightly blanched brocolli - with zesty lime and soy dressing to pack a real tasty punch.

41 kcals,
fat 1.3g
cost: £2.55

=D

xxx

Fri, 09 May 2008 20:51:29 GMT

gah another nosebleed =[
really bad habit but mum had leftovers from dinner and made me eat it...
i decided that i did not want that food in my system...

my brother heard me..,. but i blamed it on the nosebleed...which i don't know was a good or bad thing that it happed... anywhoo he went away after he saw a tissue with blood =/ got away with purging but now stuck with a nosebleed =[
parents anniversary tomorrow so im bound to be going out -sigh-
However...because Oriental City is closing down soon in Colindale, London. its most likely we're going there...being half chinese n all xD
Which means...i'll be eating very teeny portions of rice n such.
Maybe vegetarian dish will do for me =] its better than all that high cal meat. and fried foods.

Mmm and theres strawberries downstairs in the fridge...my family dont like strawberries that much. so muahaha.
Its my food =]

Ugh...theres this song. Called "Cheeseburger in Paradise" by Jimmy Buffet.. It was featured in a South Park episode at some point. But the lyrics actually make me feel sick.
I sent it to my friend because he likes that kind of music. And he was describing his perfect burger...-shudders-
He's the type of person that likes Meat, meat, meat...and just food. I worry about him sometimes. Because he told me his BMI! wayyy too high.

xxx

I'm into an 80s vibe with music at the mo :D

STATS!

Fri, 09 May 2008 20:33:47 GMT

5f4

still stuck at 126lbs :(

gw1 : 123lbs by monday 12th may

gw2 : 120lbs by saturday 17th may

gw3 : 118lbs by saturday 24th may

gw4 : 115lbs by saturday 31st may

gw5 : 112lbs by saturday 7th june

then i need to maintain this until july 2nd which is my prom.

wish me luck!!!!!!!

xxxxxxxx

i am so taking back control

FUCK FOOD

Fri, 09 May 2008 20:30:04 GMT

I swear to god I've put like 100lbs on overnight.
Do you ever just look at yourself and go "holy shit i really am fat!" ?
I just feel like I've got an extra layer of fat around me today.
Round my thighs, my hips, my jaw, my calves, not really my stomach because my stomach's always been fat, but also the bit under my bra but before my stomach?, and also my cheeks.

I swear they were not like this yesterday.

Fri, 09 May 2008 20:25:16 GMT

I really am excruciatingly hungry right now :|
It's "that time" I always seem to bigne around this time of the month :/
I need something to eat that's low in cals :/
We have no Jelly >.<
I need something sweet :/

i'm not losing anything >.

Fri, 09 May 2008 19:43:23 GMT

i can't believe it!!!

I REACHED MY FIRST GOAL WEIGHT!!!
and a WEEK before i needed/predicted.

last night, i had a tokyo tea at a bar that didn't card. and i got really drunk off of it (like 5 different liquors in one drink), then i came back and ate some popcorn, tortilla chips, and a bite of pot-cake.

i came back to my room to sleep and was lying there for maybe a minute before i ran to the bathroom, toothbrush in hand. i purged more violently than i ever have in my life. i needed to get it ALL out, especially the pot-cake.
i think i attribute my LOSS rather than gain to this purging session.
i've lost 25 disgusting pounds since March 23rd. :)

i notice no difference. my body is still so disgusting looking. reaching GW1 makes me realize how long of a way i still have to go to reach bones and total control, and how much i DON'T want to screw up and binge this weekend. i would be so broken if i gained over my goal weight. time to get under it!!!

hope everyone else is doing well :) <3

Fri, 09 May 2008 19:09:04 GMT

lost 4 pds this week then what do i do? binge. 2,000 calories.
:(

so far so good

Fri, 09 May 2008 18:51:30 GMT

today i had

lightly salted quaker rice cake at 6am for breakfast.. 35 cals
Dole fruit cup at 12pm for lunch .. 80 cals

my friend is coming over later and we decided to bake cookies.. i checked and the average cals in a chocolate chip cookie is 119-150
so i'll just have two of those and let him and my mom have the rest.
that way i should be able to be at 415 cals tops.

not to mention i spent 3 hours cleaning the house today so thats about 187 calories per hour (according to thedailyplate.com) which means i already burned 562 calories so im really happy about that.

how are the rest of you doing today??

Fri, 09 May 2008 18:42:58 GMT

Feeling Like SHIT! (excuse the language)
I done so well yesterday, was quite proud of myself actually :)
Today, until 4pm, I was still doing well
Then, I came in, and my aunty & her "partner" were round.
I usually see them about 3 times a week, but havent seen them for a month.
So it was a nice suprise
My mum decided to have them for dinner, but it wasnt just dinner, it was snacks before, then dinner, then pudding.
Grr!
There was no way I was gettin out of it.
Mum: Your eating this dinner emily, I dont care. I didn't see you eat at all yesterday, and I didnt give you dinner money so you couldnt have eaten at school either.
Me: Yh, I borrowed some money off friends.
Mum: Hmm... Well whatever, your eatin dinner with us tonight.
Me: Ok. But dont put too much on my plate, i'm not feeling too well.
Still, she goes and fills my plate up with about 1000 calories: sourthern fried chicken, home made chips...
My mum eats SO unhealthily, but because she has an over active thiroid, she doesnt put on any weight.
Gettin to my main point, I started purging it after, but then my nose started bleeding :S
This doesnt have anything to do with purging does it?
I done it about 6 times, tryin to get everything up.
It may just be the hot weather :S
x

Fri, 09 May 2008 17:52:59 GMT

Nearly 2:00 and all I've had is two cups of green tea and some water.

I'm about to go and take a nap (or at least lie down) as I have to work tonight. I've been watching "Center Stage" on YouTube since I've never seen it before, and wow...I'd give anything to look like a ballerina. They're so beautiful and graceful.

I just weighed myself and it said 129.6...I think it's all liquid, though, because I was 128.0 when I woke up. It's getting to be a pattern. God, I hope this isn't a plateau. What kind of pathetic loser caps out at 5'2" and 128 lbs?

Fri, 09 May 2008 17:52:01 GMT

I've fasted for the whole of today. Im sat here with my bottle of Evian. I feel a bit bad though, because I haven't gone to the gym in ages, almost a week, so I'm scared I might not lose anything. I need excercise...
Hope you are doing well

LY x

upbeat...and full of energy

Fri, 09 May 2008 17:35:22 GMT

Hey chicks & dudes,
So the gym went fabulously for once, managed to burn 700cals, and I just feel so envigorated for once, I think eating the banana before hand made all the difference, cos I jst kept on going!!
All in all a good day, total cals in = 350 total out = 700. so overall -350 for the day. I'm gonna pay for it tomorrow tho...lol..(aching muscles,etc)

enjoy your wkend...xxx

Fri, 09 May 2008 17:04:20 GMT

Hey sweeties :)

hope everyones day hasn't been too bad.

I unintentionally ended up fasting till 4pm
then i felt ill
so i had a 82kcal cereal bar.

but i've burnt off 120kcal

so thats gone.

mums making me have dinner, so i may just have neg kcal food and a bit of chicken
and purge it.

down 2.5lbs since wednesday :)
not too bad.

just another 40 ish lbs to go

xxxx

Fri, 09 May 2008 16:56:34 GMT

I'm back on track after having a weird week filled with ups and downs. This morning I weighed 126.8. I drank 3 ballerina green tea last night and I'm going to drink another glass today. I have 17 more pounds to lose until I reach my gw. I think I can do it :)

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Fri, 09 May 2008 16:06:56 GMT

i just binged on 2 cupfulls of specail K.
Its just dry cereal but i am so disapointed. It was like i couldnt control myself. I just needed to eat!
im so stupid
a fat stupid fuck who gets everything wrong. I so fat!!!!!!
there is no way i will ever be thin for prom. Im going to stay fat forever and look like the biggest lard ars forever and ever

GOD I HATE THIS CYCLE!

Fri, 09 May 2008 15:55:56 GMT

oh fuck.. that didnt work. sorry. how do you guys upload pictures?? cuz aparently photobucket doesnt work..

Fri, 09 May 2008 15:53:04 GMT

lets hope this works..

stay strong girlies,
xoxo

Fri, 09 May 2008 15:14:41 GMT

Down 7.2 lbs in 4 days! This is the best plan ever! Hehe i am in a very good mood about that, even though everything else is pretty lousy right now. I'm super nervous about the weekend, because i'm going to New York to see family for mother's day, and lately every time i go back i've been gaining weight. I used to lose every time i went home, but something changed starting in March, and i have no idea what. I know we have to go out for dinner and everything to celebrate, but my mom is pretty happy i'm losing weight so she probably won't say anything if i just get like veggie soup and salad if that's an option, but vegan soups are often hard to find at restaurants. We'll just see what happens i guess.
I'm definitely going to stick with this plan for next week, since it seems like it has actually improved my metabolism. who knew? Today is a fasting day, and it would be a lot easier if it weren't so so cold in my office, it's making it hard to drink water! Only 3 lbs away from my next short term goal-- entering the normal weight range. I know it's pathetic that that's an accomplishment for me, but my disorder has always prevented it-- i'm more of a COE type of gal than purely a restricter. It has been 5 days since my last binge!

hi!

Fri, 09 May 2008 15:13:52 GMT

So today has gone okay. I could have ate alot less.

3 x plain rice cake 87cals
2 handfulls of balance cereal with water 130 cals
a small tuna bagel!!!!! (im so fat) 300cals ???

so yeah, still too many for my liking but i am going to do more exercise.
I burned around 300cals at school from walking and fidgeting and i am going to work out later for an hour or so.

Im going to get out of dinner today, i really dont want it.
Its my step sis's 13th birthday tomorrow so there will be food everywhere :(
This is so shit!!!!!
I need support i really do not want to binge!!!!

xxxxxxx

Fri, 09 May 2008 14:39:49 GMT

so i had a dream last night that i was staying in a hotel with these two girls from my dance team. and one had a giant bag of skittles and i ate a lot of them.. and then i ordered a piece of chocolate cake from room service and ate that whole thing. and then the other girl wanted to go to wendys to get french fries.. but luckily i woke up before we went there. i was all panicy when i woke up and then i realized that it was just a dream and it was a HUGE relief.

the thing is, i went to bed last night really hungry and when i woke up this morning i was really full. i feel like i might have gone to the kitchen and eaten something last night, because ive been known to sleep walk. god that thought scares me. do any of you naturally feel really full when you wake up?

the good news is, the scale said 113 pounds! im not posative because my scale isnt all that accurate but at least its nice to see the numbers go down. that would leave me today, tomorrow, sunday, monday and tuesday to lose three pounds. i think i can do it.. right?

my friend wants me to spend the night at her house tonight.. and i love her to death, it just sucks hanging out with her because we always get high and i binge. and i know i should have the will power to be better than the munchies, and resist food, but mary jane always tuns up my anorexic feelings. like i always feel fatter when i smoke, i always feel hungrier, i always feel bad for myself for not being able to eat the things that my friends do, when im resisting food its literally ALL i can think about so im not even having fun and then i feel much much worse about myself when i binge.. it really sucks. but i kinda blew her off last night, for fear of bingeing, so if i made up another excuse i think she would think i dont like her or something..

sorry for the long post, but i hope you all are doing well
xoxoxo

Fri, 09 May 2008 14:06:51 GMT

i swear my body just loses weight when it feels like it.
a couple of weeks ago i lost 6.6pounds in a week.
then i put it all back on because i am a dickhead.
all this week i have stayed below 300cal and i have only lost 3pounds.
so annoying.
it's taking too long.
wow. i suppose i am being a little impatient.
as somebody said a few weeks ago "progress is progress"
haha, ok ill stop acting like a spoilt brat now.
hope everyone is going well.
xoxo