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[26 Dec 2007|12:18am] |
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need to lose 4 or 5 pounds to get to my goal weight (89 pounds)
im 5'5
Im trying to just have liquids for today.
Any suggestions?!
<3
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[26 Dec 2007|12:53am] |
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I know i just posted an entry not too long ago, but i needed to vent some more and get out all my open concerns. I binged a bunch after my other post. at first i was only going to eat a little, and then i thought, oh, what the hell, i'll just purge afterwards, so i'll eat all the fuck i want. And then i got really pissed again, and said, oh fuck! i'm already feeling like a fat ass anyway, why waste food? So i ate and ate and ate, trying to decide whether i should go to the toilet to throw it all back up or not. In the end i didn't and now i'm starting to wish i had, but i did drink prune juice although it didn't work as fast as i had hoped. I'm so anxious now to lose weight again, I almost want to start fasting right away tomorrow, but my poor grandmother poured her heart out in her cooking and I hate to waste food, especailly hers. I can't decide if i should either throw it all away so that i wont be tempted to eat any of it tomorrw and binge again, or if i should eat it all tonight so i wont feel bad about wasting it and i wont have to worry about it ever again. Either way it looks like i'm just doomed to feel like an asshole, either i will waste my grandmother's food, which she puts her soul into, or i will be even more of a fat ass- both leads to the fact that i have absolutely NO SELF CONTROL. Is anyone else having some sort of seasonal holiday depression?- (I dont know what to call it) Or am i the only one moodswinging and feeling like a jackass?
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| The Beginning of the End of Eating |
[26 Dec 2007|01:02am] |
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And so the fast begins.
Now until Sunday! I'm really excited about this! I am going to have to use all my will-power to keep myself from eating because I am such a freaking cow. If I can keep this hidden from my parents I should be able to stick with it! I hope all of your fasts go well! And if you need thinspo just search "Thinspiration" on YouTube and they have some great videos! Good luck! Love!
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[26 Dec 2007|01:37am] |
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SO TODAY I ATE ABOUT 10,000 CALS :( WTF! I MEAN SERIOUSLY. MY MUM AND DAD WERE SAT THERE WATCHING ME LIKE HAWKS THEY EVEN MADE THE DOG GO OUTSIDE SO I COULDNT PASS HER FOOD UNDER THE TABLE. I'VE BEEN SO DEPRESSED ABOUT EATING THAT I'VE ATE MORE TO COMFORT MY DEPRESSION. I'M SAT HERE NOW WITH A BOX OF QUALITY STREETS :/ :( GOD I WANT TO CRY. I WILL HAVE TO EAT TOMORROW ASWELL, BOXING DAY IS WHEN ALL THE TURKEY GETS USED IN SANDWICHES :( BUT THURSDAY, I'M FASTING FOR AT LEAST 5 DAYS!!!!!!!!! THINK THIN AND STAY STRONG GIRLIES! :(
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[26 Dec 2007|01:39am] |
i have been sick the past few days... strep throat, i think. i have been taking antibiotics, but they need to be taken after eating so my mom has been keeping a close eye on me. luckily, tonight is the last dose, and I am starting a 15-day fast tomorrow (fasting buddies?). I have been planning this for a while, making sure that I can avoid any family get-together. And as for temptations, they are gone :) I will go shopping with my mother for groceries and pick out stuff I would never eat.
One of my fatter friends (ugh, that sounds so mean!) is acting really annoying. She bought these really gross french fries (and i mean so gross, drenched in oil) and when i did not want one, she tells me that I am anorexic...out loud on the bus! I was like wtf shut up. god, she is so annoying. i'm scared, though. she is the only one who knows about florida, and if she gets mad at me, she will tell everyone...all i have to do is be nice....to satan.
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| Hate the hols |
[26 Dec 2007|09:57am] |
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Hey girls
Omg i haven't posted here in a long time my current stats are
sw: 127
cw:111
gw1:107
gw2: 100
So i see that you're all going on a fast and i m going to join u. I found this really low cal soup by knorr and is really filling it s just 30 kcal and only liquid. Is that allowed in a fast.
So yesterdy i was at work and i accidentally blurted out i was hungry in the kitchen as it was 5pm and had only eaten a small bun in the morning and the chef decided to cook me some food and had to eat it all and afterwards i had a party. omg i m so fat. what am i going to do???
SEE YA GIRLS KEEP YOU POSTED ON MY STATS. LOVE YA. tHINK THIN
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[26 Dec 2007|10:11am] |
fuck. i weight a whopping 142 lbs. at least i didnt gain anything while i was sick? w/e. tomorrow starts my 15 day fast.
anyway, so I was just on AIM, talking to some people from my old school in Florida. And I found out that my ex is in the hospital. he was decorating the tree that we used to decorate together in the park by my house, and he was walking home and was hit by a car. he got 18 stiches on his chin, he broke his left leg and they discovered that he may need an appendectimy. it pisses me off, as if it were my fault. i mean, i told him that it would be cool if he decorated the tree. im not christian, but we always did, all three years. the day after christmas. i dunno, it was kinda dumb but i loved it. and it almost cost him his life. i feel so incredibly shitty. i wouldnt have let him go if i knew he would be in danger. dammit, i am such a fucking idiot. what pisses me off even more is that his new girlfriend (she cursed me out so much when he wanted to continue our tradition) doesnt even care. she said he deserved it. wtf. i was like, "so you wish him dead" and shes like, "no, but hurt." she is such a bitch. and an fugly one too. not as fugly as me, but still horrible. i hope hes okay...i wanted to visit him, but my told me it is too late to travel during break. shit. i pray to god he will be alright.
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[26 Dec 2007|11:40am] |
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music |
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carry this picture - dashboard confessional |
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looks like almost everyone is fasting today until new years
i will be too! if anyone wants to have a fasting buddy, let me know, i could use someone to talk to.
just weighed myself...122.4. (I'm 5'4 btw)
we're getting there..! aha. 2.5 pounds until i will feel accomplished.
oh, and i actually noticed my ribs being visible again when i look in the mirror. it's just a little on the sides, but they're there! =]
anyways, good luck today girlies, we can do it! <33
think THIN
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[26 Dec 2007|12:37pm] |
i pretty much maintained my weight throughout the last 3 days, prolly cause my metabolism got jump started. today i have only eaten a tiny amount of fruit this morning thern went to the gym andc burned 500 cals. pretty good.
today im going to drink coffee.
and have a small tiny only spinach greens salad w/ no dressing
which means like not even 100 cals.
im doin good.
friday im gona fast for the weekend.
although i close to it now
does anyone else noticve that close to their period. they get bloated and jump a couple pounds. i hate it. it makes me fgeel like all my work went to waste
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[26 Dec 2007|12:40pm] |
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hey girls...i used to post all the time under a different name it was spacemonkey513 I just really missed all the great support and advice, so im back!! I am starting the fast today with all of you girls, the one until news years! It sounded like a great idea. All i have had today is water and tea and a little later i am going down to the gym. Good luck everyone!!!
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| upset |
[26 Dec 2007|12:42pm] |
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girls, i really need your help.
school got out on december 19th, and i thought the next 2 weeks would be perfect timing to reach my next goal weight; wrong. i did so well until saturday. I fasted for 3 days, then i ate 300 cals on saturday and thats when everything started. I went to visit my family, and they always make me eat, but never this bad.
we drove to pennsylvania to visit my grandfather and his wife (my stepgrandmother) ever since i got here, all they do is eat and tell me to eat. they are such fatasses and i will never look like them, be like them. this morning i stayed in bed just to stay away from the food downstairs. I am a vegetarian, so they dont make me eat meat, but when i got downstairs my step grandmother had a big bowl of cereal and fruit in my place at the table. she said: eat your food, now. what kind of person does that?! i am sp uset. i ate it, and i got upstairs and i started crying. i lost 3 pounds at the begginging of my attempt to fast and ive gained it all back, if not more beacucse of this woman. i cant stop her. i can purge, my thighs feel HUGE!!
i need help!!!! any suggestions? im trying so hard to stay strong, and no matter what i tell her, she finds a way to make me eat. oh and there is no GYM here!! what kind of town doesnt have a gym nearby??? im in the middle of nowhere in like 20 degree weather with nothing but food!!!! this is my worst nightmere.
i can feel myself expanding!
help me girlies i need you girls.
i hope you all are doing better then i am
love you,
Anna
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[26 Dec 2007|01:14pm] |
heyyy
so right now i feel good buot myself but i know it gonna change soon. i can get out of eating lunch whch is great but i have to go to dinner at my dads tonight and theres no way i can get out of eating there. i wanna exercise lots so that the dinner will be like eating nothing but i have no self will lol, i am not the exercising type. and my friend wants to go for starbux which is soo fattening. the past few times i was there i just got tea. theyre already like "tea???" cuz my fav is the double choc chip frapuccino but obvisouly not anymore
how are ur days going??????
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| Give me courage... |
[26 Dec 2007|01:38pm] |
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I need aspiration to be thin...
I'm unbelievably SICK! of being chunky.
Can anyone PLEASE give me the courage to loose all of this weight...
Also, every time I stop eating my parents know because I always say "I'm not hungry" or I just don't eat...There not dumb & so they tell me things like "Don't even get into that not eating BS" It annoys me...but I want to know if any of you know any tricks on how to avoid others from finding out your anorexic...in this case my family.
THINK THIN!
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[26 Dec 2007|02:16pm] |
ko know how i said that i could get out of lunch and all i had to worry bout was dinner at my dads..WRONG!
my mom through a fit bout how i dont eat lunch with the fmily anymore so i had to eat lunch and when i finally finshed my plate she gave me more and more food and i kept telling her i was full and shes like "i dont care". i hope shes not noticing anything. but seriously ughhhhh i still managed to not eat much but i had like 310 calories!!!
ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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| Hi Fasting Girlies! |
[26 Dec 2007|02:17pm] |
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I hope everyone's fasts are going well, remember Day 1 can be the hardest, esp. since I know pretty much all of us binged through the holidays.
I've done really well today- drank 1 cup fasting tea, 1 bottle of mastercleanse, and have the kettle on the stove for a cup of lax tea right now. check out my journal for "40 Reasons to Starve." I promise you will not want to eat after reading that.
Remember, girls: I AM IN CONTROL AND I WILL BE THIN
<33KISSES!
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[26 Dec 2007|02:17pm] |
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hey girls, well i just wana to wish u all the best on these holidays, Anyways lately ive been feeling so down on myself, i have los t my control to say no to food, i just had 3 slides of pizza =[ i know im a fat ass, but i couldnt control myself, then without my mom knowing i went to the bathroom to throw up luckely i did, but i couldnt keep on doing it because my mom is checkin up on me, well girls these holidays suck for me, i hate so hate them, i just hope u all keep strong, i am going to focus on doing this myself,
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| fasting help |
[26 Dec 2007|02:35pm] |
"You will be tempted quite frequently, and you will have to choose whether you will enjoy yourself hugely in the 20 minutes or so that you will be consuming the excess calories, or whether you will dislike youself cordially for 2 or 3 days for your lack of willpower."
Also, found a tip on my fasting tea- supposed to help appetite:
Sit cross-legged or in a chair with spine straight and feet flat. With eyes closed, block right nostril with right hand and inhale slowly through left nostril. Hold breath as long as possible then release slowly and hold out as long as possible. Continue for 1 to 3 minutes.
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| fasting |
[26 Dec 2007|02:45pm] |
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Hi everyone this is my first entry. I hope everyone is doing ok. I see that everyone is fasting. I have been fasting since Dec. 21. It was easy for me to not eat on christmas day because I do not celebrate christmas. I plan to fast until new years day. I hope everyone sticks to their fast. I know its hard but we can encourage each other. Stay strong girls and remember you can never be to thin. So every time you feel the urge to eat just remember all the weight you will gain if you do it.
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| :) |
[26 Dec 2007|03:06pm] |
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Yesterday I had to eat dinner with the family for Christmas, but I only had vegetables so it wasn't too bad.
That's all I ate which was quite amazing, seeing as the rest of my family ate loads of shit during the day.
Today's fast is going really well, it's surprisingly easy!
Last time I fasted I struggled to not snack, but today the mear sight of food makes me feel ill.
Is green tea actually good for you in any way?
It's all I drink nowadays, apart from an occasional lemon squash sometimes.
Although I eat at little as possible and exercise loads, I still don't lose as much weight as I would like.
Why is this?
It's quite upsetting sometimes.
Hmm.
Today is a good day, so keep your spirits up girls.
Thin is in.
You don't want to go back to school looking like a walrus now, would you?
Aha my chemistry teacher looks like a walrus, with a horrible moustache.
But enough about him.
I fancy some new myspace friends, anyone want to add me?
www.myspace.com/stuckin_minorchords
Stay strong!
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[26 Dec 2007|03:32pm] |
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so i havent left the house in days.. and my and my friend were supposed to go skiing today. so i call her and she said she couldnt go. so i sit at home all day. and then she tells me how she went to the movies and went shopping with her other friend. im like "didnt you say you couldnt do anything?" and she was like "no i just said i couldnt go skiing"... i mean if we had plans to hang out today and she couldnt go skiing.. shouldnt she have invited me to do whatever she was doing? pshh whatever and then tonight my other friend was supposed to spend the night and then shes like "well my brother asked if i wanted to see a movie with him and i didnt want to hurt his feelings so i cant come over." i mean if we had plans first, you could have just told your brother that you have plans. shes hurting my feelings more than her brothers would have. jeeze what a bitch.
sorry that isnt realy ana related.. i just had to get that off my chest. and ive felt so depressed today i havent felt like eating, but then a little while ago a like shoved two peices of chocolate in my mouth. i mean wtf im not even hungry. grrr im so pissed. i think everyone hates me =[
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[26 Dec 2007|03:51pm] |
Hey Buddies!!!!
GUESS WHAT ..... WE MADE IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
&& Fattie (Santa Claus) Was Extra Nice Too Me This Year ... Mayb Some Fat People Are Ok,Ho Ho Ho.
I Was Thinking > Say If We Eat One Proper Healthy Meal A Day Wont We Be Healthier & Thinner Cos We Arent Fukin Up The Receptors In Our Body ??
Hmmmmmmmmmmm.
Well Done My Lovelies....
SUPERWOMENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
Write Back // x
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| STAY STONG |
[26 Dec 2007|03:51pm] |
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The first day of fasting has went well so far. I did slip up with 2 bites of a bagel, but i am leaving for the gym now to work it and more off!!
I heard something about a fasting tea...does anyone know any good teas to drink while fasting?
Good luck to everyone!!!
xoxo
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[26 Dec 2007|04:09pm] |
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foo fighter - the pretender |
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I feel fine right now
I was able to stay on my weight even though I was eating in the past days
It's a mystery to me but I'm really happy about it
It's weird, everybody is telling to stop loosing weight because it's enough
but I am still so fat...they just don't seem to understand me...I know I still need to loose and I will
hope you ladies doing all well, stay strong
<3 love y'all
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[26 Dec 2007|04:28pm] |
so i'm in aruba, i woke up.. had a fruit salad with a little bit of plain yogurt with honey in it
then i tanned outside and sweated for about 5 hours
then i came in my room, and my family is going through trouble and my dad went home from Aruba today because my parents aren't getting along
i saw my mom moping in bed crying and i got depressed so i ate a whole fucking box of fucking "multi-grain crunch wheat things"
omg it has like a gazillion cals in it, i purged some of it out but it kept choking me because of the cracker texture. ugh w.e im going to the gym
ill do 15 min running and 90 crunches and 90 seconds of holding in this position that works the abs
for dinner ill jus have tea and MAYBE soup if my mom makes me go for dinner
:( boo any tips on what i should eat tomorrow?
xx
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[26 Dec 2007|04:34pm] |
Hey
So I Hope Christmas Went Well For Everyone
And I See Nearly Everyones Starting/Started There Fast Today
Good Luck With Everything
I'm On Mine Now For The Next Two Weeks
Can't Wait Till Then End So I Can See How I've Done
Anyways Seriously Stay Strong Cause I Know You Will
Much Love xox
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[26 Dec 2007|05:10pm] |
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hey everyone!
I hope your dieting/ fasting adventures are going well...I'm not doing very good myself...I tried the master cleanse, but I just CAN'T stand the taste of the lemonade/tea. plus it gave me horrible cramps...yucky.
I haven't eaten anything today though, but my stomach feels like its eating itself, so i figured i'd put something in it low calorie...something to dull the pain because water just isn't working.
does anyoen know how many calories are in a pomegranate? I think I might have one of those. They take so long to eat, I might just get tired of it! haha
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[26 Dec 2007|05:22pm] |
i ate christmas dinner
christmas pudding
christmas presents
but i just purged all of it
it took me forever
but i think i got most of it
plus stomache acid my throat is well soar
=(
i really need to get back on track cz since telling my mum about my ED
i've just been completely distracted but i havent put on any weight =)
so this holiday is just gonna be excersise all week =)
let me know how you all have done
xx
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[26 Dec 2007|05:22pm] |
Hey everyone :]
today i started my experiment with adderrall to see how long it takes for me to reach 100 lb.
i woke up and i weighed 123.6 today and i was soooo pissed.
but i took my pill and went and worked out a tonnn
so i hope to be 120 tomorrow.
i'm thinking it'll take me about 10 pills (1 a day) to reach my goal.
i'll let you know how it goes
hope everyone didn't eat as much as i did over the break.
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| Question |
[26 Dec 2007|05:23pm] |
hey girlies
k so today i have had absolutly nothing to eat or drink. 0 calories. I feel so hungry!
Can I have green tea (no sugar or cream or anything) or will that ruin my fast??
Megan <3333
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[26 Dec 2007|05:24pm] |
Today's intake:
Breakfast: Nothing
Lunch: 1 tomato - 50g of cheese
Snack: 1 orange - 25g of cheese
Dinner: 1 fatfree yogurt with a tsp of honey
I could have done better.... :( Well at least I didn't binge on carbs as I always do.
What do you think? What are your menus these days?
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[26 Dec 2007|05:57pm] |
so today i looked in the mirror (full body mirror) and I suddenly realized how fat i really am. I mean ive always known i was fat but i never actually thought i was as fat as i was. My stomachs to flabby. my butt is too big. way to big. My inner thighs are ginormous! and my arms are flabby. Im depressed and very fat. And im stuck at 102 lbs. gosh i hate this. I wanted to cry earlier. I look so fat in everything. Even the pants that used to be my "fat jeans" i mean wow i hate this. This sucks. holidays are horrible. And i want to be skinny. So my new thinspo people are Kiera Knightly and Mary-Kate. They are so skinny and very pretty. Well good luck ladies. Im off t o go play giutar while i think about how fat i am.
xoxoxoxo
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| must need of suprot |
[26 Dec 2007|06:13pm] |
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i look so gross and disgusting today
it all because i'm bloated from yesterdays supper
i need to fast for three day starting tommorrow
i only ate 150 cals
so i'm doing good it will be 250 by the end of the night
i cant get over ow fat i look
i also have been suffering from conspation in the last month most likely cause i only eat 200 to 300 calz aday.
i took a laxative on the 16 and 21 but i don't want to make it a rutine thats not good at all
i'v been eating handful of greaps aday to try to help
my out fit wasn't even sexy and i don't want to ware it to the NYE Party coming up
girls plz reply i need the suport so much right now
xoxo
chrisa
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[26 Dec 2007|06:23pm] |
today i had
south beach diet bar 140 cal
apple 80 cal
rice cakes 210 cal
total=430
I feel horrible. I was trying not to eat anything today so make up for yesterday.
Motivate me to not eat any more tonight!
What are some exercises i could do to burn it all off! without going to the gym or running.
I would really appreciate responses!!
<3
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| =( |
[26 Dec 2007|06:27pm] |
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!
i hope ur all doing better than i am
i cant stop eating =(
i just wanna die!!
anyways once 08 starts im not eating at all (unless my mom makes me)
i need some motivation and some way to stop myself from craving food so i dont binge
does anyone have any tips
good luck to the rest of u
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[26 Dec 2007|07:05pm] |
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Hey everyone im new to this so please bare with me.
Well i just turned thirty on the second i have four children the oldest fourteen and the youngest nine.
I have been up and down with my weight for the longest time since i was fifteen . My choice has been anorexia that followed with bulimia. Right now having mixed feelings i lost like forty pounds seven months ago then got with this new man i got happy and so there my weight went. He has no problem but i do and on top of this we are thinking of having another child but i want to lose about fifty pounds first. By then i will probably just say forget it about having another child. LOL
Anyways i just started my fast on Monday and so far lost five so im happy along with being sick has helped.
Hope everyone else suceeds!
Best to all of yous and Merry Christmas!
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[26 Dec 2007|07:06pm] |
oh y god
i hate christmas so much!!!
days of my family pretending we're all ok
and the fucking food and chocolate!
thankfully, i got no chocolate this year but my mum cooked a massive meal and i had to eat it
the today my 'dad' cooked
eurgh
major mar fst tomorrow
how did everyone else do this xmas?
love you guys =]
xxx
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[26 Dec 2007|07:16pm] |
I used to binge like... once a week or so...
But these days, I've been binging EVERY DAY.
Does this happen to you?
I'm desperate... really
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[26 Dec 2007|07:22pm] |
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anxious |
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So is there anyone out there that would like to fast with me and give oneanother support at this!
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| heyy |
[26 Dec 2007|08:56pm] |
so im doing good in recovery girls. i actually lost 1 lb!!
they were pissed at me but i don't care. i don't trust them. i know what makes me happy. and thats being thin. so i need some tips to not gain any weight while im there. im doing well, but i know im goanna gain cause theyve caught onto me. :/ so any tips on how to not gain while im there would be appreciated. i hope everyone had good holidays?
i really need to get back on track. srsly, i will be 100/105 by my birthday. :]]]] theyre goanna make me 120. hopefully i can trick them outta it. but all i know is that i only have to be there until jan 30th. think i can maintain and not gain any girlies? i sure hope so. take advantage of not being in treatment girls. work hard cuase you never know what might happen.
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| back from the dead |
[26 Dec 2007|09:17pm] |
a month in rehab
gained a hideous amount of weight,
lost a hideous amount of friends,
hope you all had a lovely christmas
i bought myself a kate moss dress in size six
i need to slim myself into it
thank god i was banished from the family home for the christmas meal
ive been sent to live with my grandmother
i was discharged too weeks too early for my mothers liking
merry christmas everyone
xxxloveliness
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[26 Dec 2007|09:31pm] |
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1/2 bowl of vegetable broth: 40 calories.
1/2 apple: 25 calories.
1 piece of gum: 5 calories. total: 70 calories. i think i did really good today, it was boxing day so i went shopping.
OK, i thought i was doing really well.
i had completely forgotten about the gingerbread latte i had this morning from starbucks...
380 calories. i didnt even realise it has so many!
oooh i feel gross.
but all that shopping burned about 1200 caloriess (161 an hour!) so it's ok.
i'm still in the negative.
i'm going to do about an hour of pilates,
so thats going to burn about 300 calories.
i don't want to look at a scale, ever get that feeeling?
goodnight ladies.
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[26 Dec 2007|09:42pm] |
some people really piss me off
fuck off back ot where you're welcome
please
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| Alone |
[26 Dec 2007|09:42pm] |
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lonely |
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Hey Ladies.
This is completely un ED-related, but I just feel like posting. (Not that my eating was spectacular today ]= )
Do you ever feel...completely alone?
Just so lonely and you can't think of a single thing in this world that would make you feel better than a boy that loves you for everything you are?
That's how I feel.
Good friend of mine... he really proved how much of a friend he is.
We have our flings. He knows I love him. And I love him too. Over the summer, we did have sex, a few times, even though he had a girl.
And he's still with her. And it's okay.
But the other night, he was talking about seeing her and I kind of got quiet. I don't like her much, and he knows that, even though it has nothing to do with my feelings for him.
So he noticed I got quiet and offered to hang out with me, so I "wouldn't get jealous". (His words, not mine)
So I thought about what he said... I don't think I'm so much jealous of Mike being with her, as I'm jealous of what Mike has with her that I don't have... period.
He was never one to fall for a girl, he always telling me he doesn't get attached, that's for when he gets married.
But more and more I see how much she means to him.
I am okay with it. I'm happy for him, I really am.
So before we hung up that night (It was 2AM between Christmas Eve and Christmas) He said... "I'm in love with her, but I still love you, Emily"
It was sweet. It made me realize that he's really the best thing I have out there.
Then he said "Merry Christmas hunni" And I don't know if he knows how much my heart melts when he calls me hunni, but I know when he does it that's it's his way of saying "I love you", no matter how it's meant.
So that makes me feel lonely. He's so happy and I would kill for it, I truly would. I've had that, so I know what it's like, and it hurts that much more.
Then my sister seems to be getting a new boyfriend. She's 19, home from college for break, and I hear her giggling on the phone yesterday and I almost cried. She went all the way out to see him today, too. Not officially her boyfriend, but soon to be, I'm sure.
And it's the holiday season. Couples together everywhere. And New Years... that was the last holiday I had with my ex, and it sucks to think about. These are the big couple holidays, and it's hard to live and breathe during this time without noticing every couple holding hands and being happy.
I just feel so alone. Does anyone else feel that way? I just wish I had that.... I don't know what's stopping me... some of it's fear, I won't lie. I know it. But at the same time, if I got into a relationship... I'm just so scared I'd feel like this and let myself jump in way too quickly, make myself happy, and get hurt. It's hard to keep a guard up. And if I do, it's not really fair to whoever my boy is. I just feel so... inadequate.
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| uhm |
[26 Dec 2007|10:07pm] |
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music |
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crushcrushcrush! |
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ok so i ate today.. so mad at myself.. but i bought laxatives and took some.. ill also workout for a while tonight in my room seeing as i have it to myself tonight. then tommorow im not eating i think because im shopping all day! taking more of my laxs.... im so stupid and fat. 103 pounds need to be 95 asap. xxxx
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| im back |
[26 Dec 2007|10:14pm] |
im back
so its been a loooonnngggg time, but im back. and im fat
this year i managed to not have many ed fallbacks buttt, i did gain 8 kilos. so, guess what?!?! fallback!
so, now that all this christmass bullshit is over, i can concentrate on loosing all this stupid weight!
the day after tommorrow im going to travel to a beach bangalo in the south of brazil without parents, so im hoping to fast or, if unable to do so because my cousins will be there, they might get suspicious, im planning then to eat as little as possible, like 200 cals a day.
today was a bad day, i had a club sandwich and two scoops of strawberry icecream.
can anyone tell me if whisky is very fattening?
thanks!!!
goodluck for all of us!
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| HELP! |
[26 Dec 2007|10:23pm] |
So I got a speeding ticket last week and I have to pay it off by working as my dads secretary since his normal one is out of town. Its only for two days. All I am going to do is make copies and answer phones, but unfortunately he goes out to lunch every day. If I don't eat he will wonder why. Any excuses? HELP!
I also have soccer practice tomorrow so I can exercise! Whoo!
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| Ana asked me to pass this along to you... |
[26 Dec 2007|11:32pm] |
Dearest Girls,
I've been watching you and I must say I'm disappointed. I have loved you. I have been there for you. I have made you whole. I was honest with you. I told you what a cow you are. I wanted to save you. To make you beautiful and thin.
I know where you hide, and all your secret thoughts. I know you want to whither away and disappear. I wanted to help you, don't you see?
And what do you do? YOU EAT. I saw you. You forget I'm watching when you shove your chubby little fingers into the cupboard, but I'm always watching.
But you're lucky sweetheart, because I'm forgiving. I can't just remove the fat from your hips from all the junk you ate last night, but I can do better. I can help you remove it yourself. You know why? Because I'm forgiving. As much as you hurt me, I have forgiven you. But you can't let me down now. I can help you if you let me. You are fat, you are worthless, and no one really loves you but me. Only I see your true potential. No one else understands. You can show them, though. You can show them all. It's simple really- just starve. Accept me as your guardian, and starve. You will be filled with emptiness. Your stomach will growl. Your mind will be dizzy and weak. But you will be strong. You will be better than them. You'll show them that you're not worthless- you are elite. Because you have me. Now go, child. Starve. You will be beautiful. You will be thin. You will whither up and blow away, and they won't be able to hurt you anymore.
Love, Ana
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[26 Dec 2007|11:40pm] |
Erghhh so my parents are seperated, so I have two christmas', 1 on xmas day and the other today, boxing day, yesturday was a load of shit! Seriously! I ate like loadsss :/ today wernt so bad, just had salad, pickles, and things like that so yeah.
This morning I went shopping with my mum, and i got these jeans which are like a 1-2 sizes too small (got on purpose), so everyday im going to put them on and see if im any closer to fitter into them, tomorrow im still at my dads, having 500cals max, then friday-friday im fasting, and maybe most of saturday, but im staying at my friends so will be a lil hard, and fasting on sunday, unless her mum makes us breakfast, but i will shove half in my pockets or something :/
So anyone want to fast friday-friday, liquids only, nomore than 100cals a day, on new yrs eve i will probs drink alcohol, try not to drink alot anyways, way toi many caloriess!
Anways good luck and think thin xx
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anorexicqueen