i am falling deeper and deeper back into this. i am getting so depressed, all I want is to cut, throw up, (which i can't fucking do properly), and to be fucking ruined. I want to be broken. I feel so shitty, I need a REASON.

part of this is i think my PTSD and shit kicking in...god.

you know, this isn't the comm for this, but I had a stalker and don't know anyone else who has. all my friends have been raped or molested, so I feel as if i can't confide in them about this. i feel like they'd feel as if I were being a wimp, having just been stalked, versus raped. i mean, i was terrified he WOULD, but he never did. it makes me wish he'd given me something concrete to feel so violated about. but WHO wishes to be raped or assaulted? it's sick. and i feel like a pariah. but don't three years of harrassment count for something,?

i'm sorry to bother you all with this crap. but hey, he's the real reason I started this ed anyhow. and i can't even fucking do it properly. in SIX MOTHERFUCKING YEARS, my lowest LOWEST was 123. AND I'M 5'7". i'm such a failure.

i'm trying, i am. i don't know how to resist cravings. can someone help me here?

i'm falling apart and i can't talk to anyone. <33

and i'm going to ask a question, and you can obv answer or not: its a tricky position to be in.

i've tried to purge many times, drinking a couple glasses of water and waiting ten mins. more and longer, maybe, idk. i know there are many of you who won't tell, as you're looking out for everyone, so i respect that totally. honestly, i do. i'm just desparate for any bone you can throw me. please forgive me for asking.

i love you ladies, you're my effing lifeline. i'm sorry if i've offended anyone.