Secrets Anonymous

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 12:39:13 GMT

I'm single again for the first time in almost 3 years. I hate it so much.
I miss the cuddling, kissing, hugging, company, closeness, conversation, touching, sleeping next to someone, waking up next to someone, going places, everything...

But I think I miss the sex just a fraction more for everything attached to it. The love, sensuality, broad physical contact, control, lack of control, feeling, and power. Sex isn't just sex for me, but I feel like a slightly terrible person for holding it in a tiny bit higher spot than the rest of the things attached to a committed relationship.

Either way, being single still sucks.

Sun, 28 Jan 2007 23:17:53 GMT

He's getting married next fall. I'm super happy for him; I love his fiance and I love the relationship I"m currently in. But a part of me sometimes wishes he and I would have actually dated so I could get him out of my system. So I could close that chapter. Truth is, we practically hate each other these days, haven't talked in months, I can't stand certain things about him, and a relationship between us never would have worked out. But at one time, we were practically best friends. And sometimes, I miss him and the way we seemed to "get" each other. We're really too mcuh of the same person. She and he, on the other hand, are made for each other. Like he and I, they have the same interests and have "that connection" AND she's more willing to put up with his shit. But I've known him longer, and it does bother me a little bit when she starts telling me things about him that "I just don't know because I don't know him that well." What she doesn't know, is that I know more than she thinks, and while they were dating, he told me he still kinda liked me and wished that we had dated. More than kinda wishing I'd dated him, however, I just hope that the two of them have a happy marriage. Because I happen to know that half the motivating factor behind his proposal to her was GUILT. A healthy marriage cannot be based on sex. I just hope he really loves her and treats her right, and that the two of them don't spend all of their time constantly fighting with each other. They sure seem to now. And if he's going to keep flirting with old crushes and new crushes behind her back, I really feel sorry for her. My biggest secret, though, is that I'm secretly glad that he's stuck in a relationship that may just make him miserable in the end. After the horrible way he has made me feel on more than one occasion, my extremely great current relationship is just like a slap in his face. Or at least, that's what I secretly hope. I am going to wear the biggest smile to his wedding. Really, truly, though, I just miss our friendship, and I want him to know that our fighting does not "affect him more than it affects me," as she claims. I regret the hurtful things I"ve said and I cry when I think about the hurtful things he's said to me. At the bottom of all the crap, I really just love and miss my friend.

Thu, 18 Jan 2007 22:49:02 GMT

I'm in love with my best friend, and I have been for 2+ years. It's terrible, it's the worst feeling in the world, because we're both girls and she's the straight one.

She found out in August, but instead of pulling us apart, we just got closer.

Now every single day I go over her house and we cuddle and she practically (and literally) lays on me, and now I can tell her anything and everything, but it hurts so much because all she wants to be is my best friend, but I want her to be my girlfriend.

And yesterday she kissed me.

I have no idea what to do.

I have no idea how to feel.

I just wished she kissed me because she wanted to instead of out of pity.

Fri, 20 Oct 2006 19:27:23 GMT

Everyday when I'm in my car I'm always afraid that I will be in a car crash and it'd be so bad that I wouldn't make it. So bad that I wouldn't be able to say goodbye to anyone.

But, sometimes, I do wish for it to happen after all that I've been through during the past years. If I saw a car coming at me at high speed, I'd welcome it with open arms while screaming at the top of my lungs, "I love you all."

Fri, 20 Oct 2006 09:38:25 GMT

I feel like a male viciously trapped in a female's body.

I don't think anyone would understand if I told them how much I desparately long to shed this shell and crawl into a new and better "fitting" one.

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 02:58:05 GMT

I hate my body. From the top of my head to the bottoms of my feet, I hate everything in between.

If plastic surgery was free, I would get it done in half of a heartbeat.

Fri, 29 Sep 2006 07:09:07 GMT

I hate Paris Hilton, but more than that, I hate how the lyrics of her songs fit my life.

Thu, 07 Sep 2006 21:59:56 GMT

I don't know what it's like to miss someone. I have never missed anyone in my life. I say "I miss you" a lot, either when it seems expected or as a response to someone else's "I miss you", but I have never meant it. I feel bad about it, but I'm more afraid of the consequences of being honest.

Sat, 02 Sep 2006 22:32:45 GMT

I hope this comm never gets too popular, because I think eventually someone would troll with this journal and I don't want it to be deleted.

Sat, 02 Sep 2006 19:45:02 GMT

I just want to talk to someone about my problems, but I feel like I can't go to anyone anymore. None of my friends care.

Sat, 02 Sep 2006 01:19:05 GMT

God..I don't even know why I'm posting this. You'll probably read it, I know you'll read it, and know who wrote it. But you wanted me to tell you and I want you to know...

January 8th, a post was made on here...I read it. I told you I read it and knew it was you who posted it. I still remember what it says. I was bored yesterday..and wanted to know. So I looked...and found it.

Why do you still have all of that?...

I just need to know why.

God, please, don't get upset. Yes, I may have been mad yesterday but I still remember what you told me and how you realized what your feelings were after we met. I know you love me with all your heart and that she's just a friend. But..why do you still have all of that..?

I wasn't totally snoopy..I meerly glanced in it and knew what it was.

You can be mad at me..and hate me if you want. Just..please tell me.

I love you...I love you so much.

Sat, 19 Aug 2006 18:58:13 GMT

I think I'm in love with my best friend. There's no one I can tell - it would get back to her, and she'd be horrorfied and awkward.

I really wish I wasn't.

Tue, 15 Aug 2006 15:45:53 GMT

I really wish I had someone to talk to when I needed it...

Mon, 10 Jul 2006 01:16:08 GMT

I'm addicted to pornography.

...

It's awesome.

Mon, 03 Jul 2006 02:16:42 GMT

My Secret:

I want to add one of descants' interests as mine, so that one of hers would be highlighted. :)

Sat, 24 Jun 2006 20:58:00 GMT

you're NOT PRETTY.

you're NOT AMAZING.

we're friends, but you're so conceited that you can't even see what an immature little twat you are.

i sometimes want to give up on you.

Wed, 07 Jun 2006 04:23:35 GMT

i've just realized...

...i hate all of my friends.

Tue, 16 May 2006 16:03:40 GMT

Sometimes, I want to brag about how happy and in love I am and rub it in the faces of people who say that love doesn't exist or whatever other stupid reasons they come up with.

Tue, 16 May 2006 02:51:38 GMT

I don't know how to help you. I wish you'd just tell me how.

Mon, 15 May 2006 20:15:26 GMT

Do you ever get that feeling that you're finally snapping? That after everything that you've been put through, it's one thing, one small, stupid little thing that finally makes it give?

I'm beyond that point. I've been pushed beyond it again and again for the past six or seven years. Every single one of my teenage years has been screwed up because of one member of my family or another.

And then the girl I love does something as simple as glare at me over IM, and tell me to go lie down because I have a headache, and I'm finally giving in. Family, exams, being in love with someone thousands of miles away who doesn't seem to return your feelings with the same intensity?

It's hard on heart and mind.

And when they break, it hurts. It fucking hurts and I can't stop it, I can't stop the pain in my chest or the pounding in my head.

Thu, 11 May 2006 14:12:32 GMT

The deepest wounds I have are threatening to open up and bleed out everything I have, all over again.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever truly get over it. It seems that no matter how happy I am, or how good my life is, little reminders keep creeping up and claw at my deep-running, knotted scars until they bleed and I crash and burn and she can't understand why, and I don't know how to tell her. It makes me really fucking hate myself.

I wish I could just keep it pushed in the back of my mind and stay in my happiness, completely uninterrupted...

Wed, 03 May 2006 04:26:57 GMT

Four months ago you broke the promise you made to me...and you probably have no idea that I know.

Sun, 30 Apr 2006 16:25:31 GMT

I think I met the guy of my dreams. He's possibly the most intelligent person I've ever met and just the way he acts is ridiculously attractive. We listen to the same music and that is astonishing in itself, since i've never met anyone with my taste in music and who is equally passionate about it. music is literally my life. i don't know what to do now, because i have a friend who's "liked" him for ages. i can't go after him with any friends knowing about it...if they see us talking, it would be so awkward and make me look like such a whore.

Sat, 29 Apr 2006 13:49:15 GMT

When I was six or so, and we were visiting my mum's sister in Venice, my uncle molested me. Just once, never again, and it wasn't all that serious (he didn't hit me or hurt me in any way, possibly because as soon as he started I got the feeling that something was very wrong and started to question him about it, and I'm guessing he didn't want to wake the rest of the house up (it was in the middle of the night) with what he was doing so he didn't try to coerce me into doing anything). I was definitely not planning on telling anyone after. I was so ashamed and afraid, like I'd done something wrong. I've never told a soul until today. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I feel like since it's not as big as someone who was more seriously sexually abused or raped that I'm just making a fuss out of myself by calling attention to it.

But the thing is, I still think about it all the time, and it still disgusts me to this day. I'm still scared of my uncle, and I feel like crying every time we have to go to visit him. I make sure I'm never left alone in a room with him. I'm not someone who's generally nervous about this type of thing. I can and have handled millions of other guys that have done things like trying to feel me up in clubs or forcing themselves on me when it seemed like we were alone or whatever (I've even actually hit boyfriends sometimes when they've tried to get close, so now I don't date anymore). But I can't get over this and I don't know why. I'm nineteen now. My uncle just pretends that everything is okay, and I don't know if my parents would actually even believe me if I told them. What's the point of telling them anyway? I feel like there's something really wrong with me, the way I keep replaying that night over and over in my head, even though it sickens me more than anything else in the world probably will.

Fri, 21 Apr 2006 15:06:21 GMT

I get angry and depressed and I go somewhere and I scratch my arms and legs until they feel like they're burning. I scratch my face too, sometimes. I cry myself to sleep. I want to scream and scream and scream. I am a needyperson and get insanely jealous. I'm 15 and two years ago I read porn stories. I hate the girl who is supposedly one of my best friends. My other best friend is the greatest person of all time but she has such low self esteem that one time she made herself throw up. Thank God she called me straight after and told me. I'm so scared that one day I'll make myself throw up too and then I'll know I've gone completely. Lots of people hate the girl I do. I think it would be so great just to slap her and scratch her and rip out every single one of her stupidly long hairs. Sometimes I scare myself because I think I am going to do that. People joke about me being a goth (I'm not) and how I probably self-harm. If only they knew what I do with my nails. I wish I could go crazy and not have to cope ith people and my GCSEs. I'm supposedly clever but in reality I just listen more. I feel like me and all the other children started out the same. I got a lot cleverer quickly whereas they improved more slowly. Then I reached a plateau three or four years ago while they carried on getting better. Now I'm the same and they're better than me. I want to be better than everyone but I don't think I can be. I feel like I'm drowning in problems. At the same time, who am I to talk? I go to an independent school, have friends, come from a middle class family, am regarded as clever - what do I have to worry about? There are people staving to death all over the world, being abused or are ready to commit suicide. My problems are just stupid. Stupid stupid stupidstupidstupid. Nothing. Fucking nothing.