its been a while [17 Dec 2002|01:01am] [ music | the voice within ] Hi everyone. How are you all doing these days? For whatever reason, i havent been posting. I've been reading here and there, but .. i dont know. Lately i dont even feel like i should belong to this community. Every now and then i will see a girl who is obviously anorexic and .. i just feel like i dont even have the right to associate with it. They are so beautiful, so perfect... and im so.. not. I went to the mall the other day and started looking at clothes in AE... they have gotten so ridiculous about their sizes. Maybe its just me, but all the tops are SO SHORT, and if you go to a medium, they are just WIDE and short, not longer. The large is a half an inch longer but way too wide. I cant wear anything from there. And all i can think is that if i was just bones... i probably could. I feel like my self control is slipping away. I should be so much thinner by now. I'm not usually a "depressed" person, i havent felt this crappy in such a long time. It makes me more frustrated than anything, i think. I hope you guys are doing great. Please help. love, annabella post comment

blah, blah, blah [17 Dec 2002|10:39am] [ mood | artistic ] Hey, everyone! Sorry that it's been awhile since my last post. How's come I can't get below my current weight? I try so hard, and nothing seems to work. And, when the numbers don't move, I feel like a failure. I have been taking hydroxycut for about a week now, and they are really good at keeping my appetite down. The only problem is that you have to wait an hour before you can eat, and I start getting queasy about 30 minutes into it. I totally flirted at Old Navy...with my pastor's son! hehe. He works there, and he acted all interested...which really boosted my self-esteem...because he is soooo hot! And, I promised God that if He would hook us up...including mariage, that I would quit all of this, and just watch what I eat. I know that will be really hard, but I think I could do it...with the right incentives. heheh. And, about the sizing thing that someone posted, I totally understand. I usually don't have a problem with shirts, though, because I am so short anyways. But, I was shopping for my mom, and I saw a lot of shirts that were screaming wear me and you'll look like a cow! I don't have a problem with skirts (I don't wear pants). I am a 0-2 wherever I go. But, I don't feel like I look that small. People tell me I'm little, but I just don't see it. Is that body distortion? I'm not sure. How can I see something different than what everyone else tells me they can see? That almost makes me feel like I'm crazy or something. WEll, I have said enough for now. Take care, girls! 2 comments|post comment

Going good.... [17 Dec 2002|11:56am] [ mood | bouncy ] [ music | Fiona Apple - Paper Bag ] Hey girls! I'm up to 36 hours in my fast...just a bazillion to go, but I'm going strong. I had suuuuch bad hunger pains all yesterday afternoon, I like couldnt get out of bed. I had such a headache and just wanted to eat soo bad. But I didnt give in, then I got whored up and went out...then since Ive been taking Xenadrine again couldnt sleep...so finally passed out like 6am. And woke up feeling good. So Im so proud of myself for sticking through last night. And Ive been sick so that was my excuse for not drinking last night. God Im so fucking proud of myself. Usually on fasts I let myself drink But thats such empty cals. Next weekend I can drink, just bc its right before Thanksgiving, and I need to party it up withmy school friends, before going home. Haha I was talking to an old friend last night online, ps she was completely trashed: friend: i know you are bad buddy friend: bcauste your'e too skinnty! me: ew no im a fatass friend: no!!! friend: y9ou're so skinny friend: i saw the pics, tooooooo skinnny friend: you're like a size -10 friend: stiop being anorexcixc haha, that amused me. i hate that ppl will always comment on my weight to me. i hate that i used to be a fatass. i wish people could forget how huge i was in the spring. 168, jeesus christ thats like uncomprehendable to me now...seriously. i feel fat enough at 124 right now. i really really hope Im at 120..or below when I get home on the 26th. Like November 29th is my 18th birthday, if i could be 118 that would be soooo amazing. dammit if only i didnt fall so off track for like all of september. girls, i honestly love you all. seriously. like reading all your posts, i really feel close to all you, i think its a real good support system we have going here. like even me just writing this takes my mind off eating and that feels soo good. so i just wanted to say thanks :) ack, i did it. i uploaded pics of me from this week, annnnd some OLD PICS of me when i was beyond fat to my picturetrail. wow, those pictures honestly haunt me. like i still feel so fat, but looking at those i know ive come such a long way, i know i dont look like that at all anymore...like seriously. so if you all would go look and comment it would help me a lot. New and Old Pics of Me!!! thanks again girlies, you know i heart you all. good luck, we can do this. 5 comments|post comment

New!!! [17 Dec 2002|10:46pm] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | Taproot CD ] I'm new! Lets see, i'm 18, 5'7", and around 128. I've been dealing with ana since around 7th grade maybe earlier, and well now i'm a freshman in college. I have come around into it again and it feels great. You all show so much support for one another and i know this is the place for me. amanda 2 comments|post comment

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