I'm back, finally [06 Dec 2002|07:47pm] Sorry for the long hiatus. I gained 11lbs, going from all time low of 145 to 156. I'm back down to 150, which was my goal for thanksgiving, which i sank below the week before then binged way past the week during and after. I'm back on track now. Nick comes back in a week and i'm hoping to get below 150 by then, below 145 by xmass. I'm taking the goals in smaller steps this time, becuase with the holidays (and my dad's bday , my father's bday ect) it's hard not to have to eat fatttenign foods, so i can't starve/take pills as well as i was. I want to keep loosing, my long term is still 100, but, if i make it through xmass without gaining any more weight, i'll be okay with it. . .i guess. At any rate, my comp. died, which is why i havne't been up dating and why it was so easy for me to binge, i didn't have to think about my diet as much when not on my computer checking out the journals. I'm back htough and hopefully i'll loose it. I'm babysitting t/m, wish me luck, i'll need it.. . Janie post comment

People... [06 Dec 2002|09:45pm] [ mood | stressed ] You know, I have come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as total recovery...a lady that says she is okay was upset last night...and I guess I was an easy target. She goes, "Let me get next to you so I can get what you got." Then, her daughter was talking about crackers, and the lady says, "How much fat's in them, pookie?" I said I didn't know for sure...and she was like,"Yeah, right. Sure you don't." It really hurt me. But it also opened my eyes. She isn't any better than I am. And, I don't want to get better as bad as I say I do or I would be going to the doctor or something to get help. It's free on campus...but I'm not going. I watched A Secret Between Friends the other night. I love that movie. AT least it is honest in saying that you can die from this...but it still doesn't stop me. Scary, huh? I don't know what to do. I wake up thinking, today will be different, but it never is. The hard part is that I go to church...and everyone there loves to eat...it's a Pentecostal church...if that tells you anything! And so people expect things out of me...to be happy and never sad, to not have any problems...so, I feel like not only have I failed myself and everyone else, I have failed God. I'm a total loser. I just want to keep losing and losing. I can't gain any back...and I will never be able to eat in front of anyone. Food police will be like, she eats! Man, she's getting fat! Hey, you look healthy again. I hate that word, healthy...it means FAT. and I am just that...FAT. I am a fat cow. Oh, on the better news...I am getting a 4.0!!! Yeah! Go me! Focus on grades, forget food! Yeah! Love ya all! post comment

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