[27 Nov 2002|10:21am] [ mood | pissed off ] [ music | MatchBox 20-Back to Good ] yup i fucked up. I knew it. i knew if i set a new goal (even a tenetive one) that i would screw up. What'd i do? Hmm well i hit 150 a week ago and was like "i'm not going to set a new goal but it would be nice to be 140 by goal time" what did i do after that? BINGE BINGE BINGE yup, 1400-2000 calories a day for 5 days straight now. Started off as my parents didn't believe i was eating, then i got new smaller clothes and was like "what's the harm in eating a little in front of them" then i started binging, and i mean, til my stomach ached with pain and fullness. I feel disgusting. What's my weight, this morning (as in naked after peeing before food) 153. Yup, not going to meet my 150 goal by tomorrow now, now am i? GODDAMNIT! Why do i do this? And to top it off, i was so distraught afterwards i had two pancakes. Yeah, i'm fucked. i think i should purge, but at the same time i hate purging. What i think is the craziest thing, is this is what my rational mind said : It really would be much healthier if you purged, you know Helthier? I really am insane, aren't i? Janie 2 comments|post comment

[27 Nov 2002|11:07am] Well...I said I was going to start writing regularly again, however, that did NOT happen. I have been up and down lately! I'm once again in treatment for my bulimia and I don't know how this is going to go! The doctor is not a specialist in eating disorders, he specializes in addictions, so he is treating my bulimia as an addiction to food. I am going to try and show him that it's not...that I can control myself...I wanna be 98 pounds so that's some control I think! I've received numerous e-mails about you girls being worried about me and I tell you what...you girls are absolutaly wonderful! I LOVE ALL OF YOU! If it weren't for you girls I don't know where I'd be! Thank you so much for all of the love and support that you have given me! I'm currently trying to control my mia with a new pill called Anorex but I'm not sure how well it will do. I will be sure to keep everyone posted with the effects and all that! Thanksgiving is going to be Total Hell for me! I hope I am able to control myself...I'm sure I will be though, my grandma, who always makes me noodles, is helping me out this year by making me fruit salad instead! That's my total fave! mmmmm...yummy! Then...with the help of some laxies during this holiday I'll be on the road to success! ;) Idolize Me [My Webpage] post comment

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