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Rhianna-Disturbia |
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On one hand, part of me feels wonderful here. Disney World really is the happiest place on earth. No, really, it is. I mean, it's definitely not perfect, but when I'm here I have next to no stress about anything, I have no parents pissing me off, I have no one to answer to but myself...it's like a little utopia here. How can you not be happy? You know how Simba felt when he was living with Timon and Pumbaa in their little tropical island paradise? Yeah, same thing happens here. Hakuna Matata aaaaall the way.
But on the other hand, that's part of my problem. I'm sort of sick of the "Lalala Life Is Hard So Let's Keep Putting It Off And Ignore It" bubble I live in when I'm here. It's nice for the summer time and to clear my mind, sure, and it was great last year because I really needed it then, but I think it scares me that this is all I have going for me in the future. "That Disney thing". It's funny because I'm so close to finishing school (*3* semesters, omg) that I'm sort of eager to go back now, but I'm so afraid that I'm just running back there to graduate and then run back down here to waste all those years, and that money, and my diploma on...this all because I can't do anything else with myself. I don't want this to be my ONLY option, but it seems this is all I've set myself up for. I don't want to be the person who has a degree in something and doesn't even use it. What was the point, you know? It's so easy to just move here and stay forever that it's scary, really, but I know me. I won't do that because it would drive me insane to live in one spot that long. It's been giving me anxiety just staying in Tennessee for as long as I have these past few years, why the hell would Orlando be any different? I need some place new, but where?
Part of me thought about doing a Disney Professional Internship in art, but Disney and the arts is so shifty now that I don't even know what I'd do with that anymore as silly as that sounds considering this is the WALT DISNEY COMPANY and you'd think there'd be a ton of options. Plus, it's no secret I have zero point NO confidence with myself and art because I have no mad skillz what so ever, so I'd never get the internship to begin with. Still, even if I did get one, where do I GO with that? I don't want to draw stock art all my life and LOL on picking back up that be an animator dream. I just feel so royally lost right now about where I'm headed in life that I'm digusted with myself for not thinking about this sooner. I'll be 22 soon and I have pretty much nothing to show for it except 11 months of life procrastination.
And on one hand, I love the feeling I get when I'm here. I love that I'm actually working and doing something with myself that could make a difference to someone out there. That means a lot. I can't do that anywhere else it seems because here it counts. Little acts of kindness here means the world to people and that's amazing. It's such a gratifying feeling to know I did something right for a change. I made someone's day just by being nice, or calming their child down, or giving away something. Why would I want to leave that? I'm...something here. I have a purpose.
But on the other hand, God, I'm surrounded by so many wonderful people that I don't even know what the hell I'm doing here half the time because I suck in comparison. I've come in contact with some of the most amazing, beautiful, completely awesome people EVER that I look at myself and feel awful about everything from how I look, to how I dress, to how I act, to who I even am and what I'm about. I was self-conscious before, but here it's in complete over-drive. I feel like I fit in here, but not necessarily with the people who are here, if that makes sense. I just...don't know why I'm here a lot of the time. Why do I come here? I don't get it. I'm a loser when I'm here. They don't need me. No one does, really. I'm not needed in Tennessee and certainly not here. I just want somewhere to go.
I feel awful in general all the time, too. I sometimes spend my nights looking at pictures of people I think are prettier than me, I try to buy normal clothes that don't have cartoons on them so I don't feel so one dimensional, I've sort of stopped eating as much as I use to to cut back on my weight, I try to read about something new in the learning center each day on my break so I don't feel so dumb...it's getting really pathetic.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not having a miserable time here. I love it here. I wouldn't trade this for anything. It's just I'm constantly having this internal conflict that's an on-going battle I never win. I just wish I could make myself feel better. I don't think therapy is going to help. It's something I have to do on my own, but how? And where? And what am I going to do with myself? And...*sigh* :/
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