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| User: | alien_suicide (2996986)
HOW TO KILL YOURSELF
FINISHED!
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| Name: | How to Kill Yourself |
| About: |
THIS IS A READ-ONLY COMMUNITY (but you can comment)... A NOVEL CALLED "HOW TO KILL YOURSELF"... JOINING LENDS YOUR SUPPORT TO THE AUTHOR TO HELP THE BOOK GET PUBLISHED AND WATCHING KEEPS YOU UP TO DATE. THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT. YOUR AUTHOR IS ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) jamin_law
I made the icon- it's from Bjork's Hyperballad video, which was directed by Michael Gondry.
CHAPTER SUMMARIES... (SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ THE WHOLE THING TO DECIDE IF YOU WANT TO JOIN. THIS WILL ALSO LET YOU KNOW WHERE WE ARE UP TO.)
#1: BEING BORN IN REVERSE
It seems as though the price of being a “normal girl” is, in fact, empowerment. It seems as though, if I want to be a proper traveler in this life, I need to be a beautiful nihilistic kick ass psycho-bitch.
#2: DON'T YOU DARE LOVE ME
The first step to create slaves in a decadent society is to take away their ability to love. You make them naturally unhappy. You make them selfish. You make them loveless, and unable to love.
#3: IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN
I think I understand only because I’m in the same boat. Everything’s got this… dark shade to it… everything is in shadows… it’s like you’re the only one who can see all the shit people are covered in.
#4: PURPLE SLASH VIOLET
They believe in meaning behind colors, and that their importance lies in focusing thought and energy. As they explained each color to me, I was finding that color somewhere within my visual range and concentrating on it to see if I could feel what they were explaining to me. Physics and Wicca seem to agree on a few points. The way colors and energies are dispersed are the same as they taught me in school.
#5: LUCID SCHIZOPHRENIC DAYDREAM
Sometimes there’s a black hole in my head that sucks all the pleasantness, personality, and peace from my thoughts. It makes me incomplete. It’s like parasite… a cognitive tapeworm. I take medication and the hole closes… but never completely. It reopens, I change medication, and the hole closes… but never completely. My brain is my own parasite.
#6: MUTE GODS
The world offers you blatantly hypocritical religions. American pop culture programs you to be unsatisfied with your life. Fairy tale romances die with the serotonin reuptake. And if you’re happy for too long, the people in your life will find something in lifestyle to disapprove of. We’re more susceptible to manipulation when we’re unhappy. And we’re happier telling everyone else that they should be unhappy. You’re going to Hell. You’ll never look like Britney Spears. I don’t want to be lovers; I just want to be friends. It’s not you, it’s me… and it’s with every fiber of my being that I reject you.
#7: TRIGGER POINTS
I’m just a domino of hate, getting hit in the back and pushing whatever is in front of me, and there are plenty of people ready to run up and help… but that song comes back, and I hear the sweet and sallow chorus… and I feel our bond, and our love… and I smile a twisted smile, one that can only be brought on by love spawned by mutual hate.
#8: ALIENATION OF AFFECTION
He managed to cut himself open with mangled Coca-Cola cans. Apparently, the knives in his apartment weren’t sharp enough. So he poked a hole in a can, ripped it apart with his teeth, and sat in a tub filled with warm water until his veins emptied like a river into an ocean with pieces of flesh mucking the wounds like a muddy delta. Personally, I felt that it was quite an accomplishment.
#9: WHISPER SISTER
Whether you make me a goddess or a tramp… it just doesn’t matter. I’m an object. And when I begin to believe otherwise- I’m a psycho.
#10: WHAT YOU FIND INSIDE THE SUN
I’m thankful that God made it painful to stare into the sun. Otherwise, I think most people would be blind... how tempting is it to stare into something so powerful... it's the same thing when people stare into TV cameras and wave like idiots... Look at me! I'm on TV! That's what happens when you don't go blind.
#11: A SUICIDAL PHOENIX
And she gently pulls me toward her, kisses me on the cheek, and whispers in my ear, "In order to rise from the ashes, you have to burn."
#12: THE TRUTH ABOUT MONSTERS
The monsters that exist today aren’t sleeping under beds or hiding in closets- they are mothers, fathers, uncles, neighbors, family, strangers… Selfish people, greedy workaholics, child molesters, alcoholic wife and child beaters… these are our monsters. We become our abusers. We inflict our own trauma. We become our monster... The true torture is that I may become my mother.
#13: SNICKER SNACK
A sickly yellowish green mist pours through the black trees and clouds and surrounds the hanging bodies. So that is the color of suicide, I think to myself.
#14: SOMETHING YOU BOYS WILL NEVER FIGURE OUT
I can tell you something about love. It’s convenient. It’s a great weapon when you want someone to feel worse than you do. All you have to do is take it away.
#15: REMEMBERING A HALLUCINATION OR HALLUCINATING A MEMORY?
Sometimes I feel like my dreams are a memory from the future, like I’ve flash forwarded to my death bed and I’m having a hallucination based on the memories of my life.
#16: PHUCK PHISH
It was never about love to begin with. It was always about power. I never gained the edge I thought I had when I broke up with him. He lost nothing. All he wants is to exert force on me. He did that before we broke up, and he still gets to do it.
#17: A MELODRAMATIC DISTORTION OF REALITY IN HANOVER, PENNSYLVANIA
Your melodramatic distortion of reality is not a mood disorder. You’re just a bitch, that’s all.
#18: A CAT IN THE BRAIN
Trying to love yourself the way the world tells you to… just doesn’t work. In fact, ‘try to love yourself’ is, in itself, misdirection. Most people who try to love themselves end up selfish and unfulfilled, and hating themselves instead. Don’t try to love yourself, just try to feel love.
#19: ANTI
Just say no? Fuck you, Nancy. Give me my mood stabilizers. Then I can be a good little girl… a smile on my face and dead to the world… a cock in my mouth and a Coke in my hand.
#20: SUTURE
The American Lie… You can be anything you want to be. You can do anything you want to do. The answer to any social situation is: Just Be Yourself. All men are created equal. Just Do it. Drugs are not the answer. We are one. Music Television. Women are not treated as second class citizens. Feed Your Craving. We’re not brainwashing you. Have a coke and a smile. You’ve got a friend in Pennsylvania. I wouldn’t lie to you. Have it your way. You’re in good hands. Lose 7 lbs in 7 days. I love you. Life cruises by with regular commercial breaks to mark the time. Every once in a while the sun comes up and goes down. There’s nothing I can do to stop it.
#21: PERPETUAL PANIC
There is a fear of loneliness buried so deep in my mind that my actions are almost involuntary. If my pupils dilate one more millimeter, I will be in a full blown panic. I think I’m more afraid of being alone than anything else in this world.
#22: OUT COME THE WORMS
Why can’t everything be as simple as this solitary moment? This moment of realization when the faces and motions and thoughts and vibrations of the world can be ingested in one singular form… and accepted… It’s not trumped by some ego that says that this moment is great or important or makes you special for having it. Everything simply is. And where I fall in the great game- my life, my death, and everything in between- is neither significant nor insignificant… it simply is.
#23: THE RIDE HOME
Can you feel the walls closing in? Can you feel the pressure drop? Has your heart stopped? Do you know that luck has run out?
#24: DARK WATER PERCEPTIONS
All of that power and radiance of atoms being split, and a couple of girls swimming in dark water see the clouds of the aftermath and think it’s pretty. Maybe it isn’t the clouds that are beautiful, maybe it’s the girls.
#25: TECHNO HEARTBEAT
Wheels of meat just whirl into my eyes. It hypnotizes me and I grow hungrier and hungrier. I am carnivorous. I want this blood. I want this meat. I become a vampire, hunting people in the stark night of cyberspace.
#26: TRANSGENDER DRAMA QUEENS
If you tell a drama queen that you have cancer, she’ll turn into her problem. She knows so many people who have suffered with cancer and why-oh-why is she a cancer magnet? If she’s a smart one, she wouldn’t say that to you, or even to your close friends, but to everyone she can she’ll turn your trauma into her source for attention.
#27: JUST ANOTHER SILLY CUNT PART ONE
Yes, she is quite the psycho bitch. She has fit in very well with us.
#28: JUST ANOTHER SILLY CUNT PART TWO
It was so cold that leaving the car brought a sense of disorientation and split-second fright that one might encounter if they were to wake up underwater at not know which direction the surface is. Of course, I’m used to this feeling. I feel it every time I wake up.
#29: RETAIL HELL
Maybe that’s what she’s doing now. She followed the road of feminism and got pissed when she realized how empty corporate greed and mindless careerism was. It’s not like men were hiding that fact. They went off and divorced their wives and dated girls in their late teens. They bought sports cars and dyed their hair when they realized that half of their life had passed and they had done NOTHING worthwhile. Maybe fellating young men on the internet is the new female mid-life crisis.
#30: PSYCHOTIC LULLABY
I have felt this way before. This seems so familiar. I miss this feeling- the first few minutes of being an infant before you realize you’re alive- and start crying. And if you don’t start crying the doctor will smack you just to be sure. Now I understand why he did that- I needed to be struck to know I was alive.
#31: NAKED AND BLEEDING
When she came to, I was wrapping her up in towels. I had propped her back against the outside wall of the tub and wrapped my legs around her to hold her steady. I hadn’t turned off the shower and the curtain was pulled open, so we were being sprayed with warm droplets while we were being stung by the chill of the tiles. She made a sound but I gently shushed her. The bleeding had stopped, so I reached underneath the sink for ointment and bandages. I never said anything to her, and she was quiet too. When I began wrapping her, she started crying, and fell forward into my chest. I hugged her until the shower ran cold.
#32: TOO MUCH CAN BE TOXIC
I have to believe that there is more to your Truth than this. There has to be another side to this, something that’s not a disappointment. It doesn’t make sense for there to be nothing else. I’ve just been too overwhelmed with the life’s heartbreak too look for it.
#33: AT LEAST LEMMINGS HAVE A DESTINATION
I had an orgasm, and everything changed.
#34: POINTLESS BURNING
Everything that passed into her physical space seemed different. Light seemed to fall differently upon her skin. And likewise, the air seemed to swirl around her in her patterns that were not consistent with the rest of her surroundings. And like the dream environment, my feelings also fell differently upon her.
#35: BLISSFUL SELF DELUSIONS
A strange feeling overtook my euphoria. My chest sank and my extremities went numb. It was disappointment. And I was very thankful that it was only disappointment. It seemed right to be disappointed, and that in itself made me feel better. It had been a long time since I had an emotion that felt right.
#36: PSYCHOTIC LULLABY PART TWO
I dream just like everyone else. But when I'm lying in bed, waiting for sleep to come, my mind can run wild. Sometimes the images are wild and abstract. Sometimes they are memories that I thought I had forgotten. Sometimes there aren't any images- my mind just talks to itself. Sometimes it feels like I fall out of my head and wind up somewhere else... in other beds... in other bedrooms... places where I have dreamt before. And yet, I do not sleep. I think that I've done this my whole life, but I've only just started paying attention. I've only just started paying attention to my mind.
#37: GOOD CUSTOMER SERVICE
For a moment, I achieved something like enlightenment. The Light had lifted all my thoughts from distraction and ignorance. I had it all figured out. I understood the true nature of my existence. But it only lasted for a moment. The Light dimmed. The fire had died. It slipped away. But due to the nature of things. I can stretch the moment out for you, so you can know what I know.
#38: HOW I BECAME FAMOUS
There was a time when I thought that I only had two choices- be the one being crushed under the boot, or be the one in the boot, crushing someone else. I didn't realize that I could get out from under the boot and laugh in the fucker's face. Cricket had been trying to tell me this for years with her living, breathing, and thinking. I finally get it now. I needed to stop being so defeated by the American Dream and start finding other ways to happy...
#39: THE END
I keep my Love in my right hand, covering my heart. I keep my Sorrow in my left hand, ready to slash my throat.
CHAPTERS 30 - 39 (the final chapters) WILL BE UNDER FRIENDS-ONLY PROTECTION. YOU MUST BE A MEMBER OF THE COMMUNITY IN ORDER TO VIEW THEM. IF YOU ARE JUST WATCHING, YOU MUST CLICK THE "CLICK HERE" TO JOIN COMMUNITY LINK AT THE TOP OF THE PAGE.
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